Alone in the Impact Zone: 10/30/08

Your Boy Carlton Leach Presents.....

"Alone in the Impact Zone"

*Just a quick note....this ain’t my first article...I did this last week when my name was The Joker...Realised that character is a bit too "Original" so decided to change my name and image. The one thing that hasn’t changed is my undying hatred of all things Matt Morgan...

Let’s get IT STARTED!

Tonight's a big night for TNA. Not only are we LIVE (That’s Right), but we're also at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and in HD. This is the place where dreams are made and money is gambled down the drain......

Before I go on, I should mention that the place where this is coming from is absolutely horrible. It looks like one of those old AWA studios. But really, you don't want all the intricate set details any more then I want to type them, so without further ado, let's get right on into to.......

Tonight's episode is called "What the Hell was TNA Smoking this Week to Book all of this?" Actually, I'm pretty sure we had no title tonight, but no title would be more appropriate than the one I just mentioned.....

Match 1: Velvet Sky vs. Christy Hemme

Christy Hemme being pushed as a face will never work because no one will ever cheer for Rock and Rave (aside from me....what about you fine TWG folk?). But hey, that'll be the least of your worries tonight. Hemme hits a Monkey Flip, but Love sprays perfume in her eyes. That’s a DQ anyday in my book. This gave Sky the advantage, so she threw a Knife Edge Chop. She then climbs on the middle rope and smashes Christy's head into the turnbuckle.

In the corner, Velvet misses a Splash, so Hemme gets in a few Clotheslines and a Flying Double Sledge. She also slings Sky to the mat by her hair. Christy climbs the ropes, but Kip James tries to interfere, but he gets nailed in the face instead. No amount of pain inflicted upon this man will ever satisfy me....Christy hits some sort of Leg Drop to pick up the win.

Winner: Christy Hemme

JB is talking with Kurt Angle in the back. He has an announcement (which you will soon see is the theme for this week). It will change pro wrestling forever and ever and ever and ever....according to him. If it doesn't involve the termination of Sting and Matt Morgan, then consider me disappointed...

Booker T is also in the room, and he talks about the "elite" coming together in TNA. Nash is here too. This is getting pretty creepy. Oh, this is great, just when you think this Joe/ Sting thing is over, leave it to TNA to throw it right back into our faces. After every single sentence Nash says, we must suffer through Booker yelling in the background.... yep, that's right... "respeeeect!" But really, it makes sense. I mean, the only way we'll ever understand TNA is if we have people summarizing storylines for us as they go along. Nash talks about coming back to take care of Joe, which is BS since he pretty much admitted that that wasn't true a few weeks back. Continuity rules!

Angle then brings out Sting without face paint (Shock Horror!), but with a suit and sunglasses, the ultimate sign of serious business. He says how there's 75 years of experience in the room, and he's ready to demand respect, DESPITE HIM DEMANDING IT FOR OVER A MONTH ALREADY AND NOT GETTING A RESPONSE..... I’m Just saying. Oh, by the way, this giant group of annoyance is called the Main Event Mafia. Just go with it no matter how stupid it may be. The less questions you have, the longer you will save your sanity.

Classical Stinger eh?

Lauren is standing outside the hotel waiting for Foley to arrive. He pulls up in awesome, yet horribly junky car. He has an announcement too, you know. But we have to wait until later to hear it.....Spared for now.

Booker Tea and Sharmell make their way down to the ring with their briefcase. It is now time for their announcement. Are you ready for absolute failure? It's a new title. The TNA Legends Championship, to be exact. You know a bad angle has gone too far when a title has to be created to keep interest. While Booker unveils the title, the crowd chants "no more accent." What a bunch of morons. I bet these are the same idiots who sit at home rapping along to R-Truth's theme song. Booker awards himself the title, but really, who else is going to want it?

I spoke too soon because here comes.......Christian Cage. He is so above this. Actually, he's here to mock Booker for making his own title belt and to mock his accent. In response, Booker invites Cage to join the Main Event Mafia, which clearly, makes tons of sense. Cage turns him down, and challenges Booker for his new title at Turning Point. I smell a negative buy rate! Booker accepts the challenge but makes the stipulation that if Cage loses, Cage has to join Booker T's unnecessary stable......

Could be argued that this title may possibly overshadow the TNA Heavyweight title itself....how likely is that gonna be?

Abyss and Matt Morgan are with Lauren in the back. Morgan says he will not allow Abyss to wrestle tonight, even though Abyss wants to. Who needs Abyss when your DNA grants you the strength of 20,000 men?! I'm sorry. I know I said I'd stop those jokes. Abyss got 3rd degree burns at BFG, and Morgan feels guilty. At least he has one redeeming quality (that being his sympathy). Abyss says that when his burns heal, they have unfinished business with Angle.....

Even though we should clearly have a match here, what with this being TNA's biggest TV show since getting 2 hours, we don't. Because that would be smart, and this is TNA we're talking about. Instead, we get JB talking with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett will not tell Borash what his announcement is. You'd think that after all these years, Borash would get the hint that people hate talking to him......

Match 2: X Division Title Match: Sheik Bashir vs. Jay Lethal

I'm willing to bet that this match gets rushed just so we can suffer through more backstage segments. I don't know, it just seems like the TNA thing to do. Bashir jumps Lethal before the bell rings and hits a Belly to Back Suplex and a Snap Mare. Bashir locks in a Rear Chink Lock and some Sledge Hammer Shots. Lethal ducks a Clothesline, and is able to gain the advantage with a Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors.

Lethal gets in a Dropkick and a Suicide Dive through the ropes which sends Bashir into the barricade. He rolls Bashir back inside the ring, and misses a Lethal Elbow. Because of that, Bashir hits with WMD for the win. I told you this would be rushed.

Winner and still X Division Champion: Sheik Bashir

Lauren is talking with My man AJ Styles and Samoa Joe about the Main Event Mafia. I'm going to need a really creative yet completely stupid name to call them... Styles delivers the best line I've heard in TNA so far, "TNA is falling apart". How true. Joe then says to Sting that he can take his title, but he'll take his career. This may be the best promo in wrestling history simply because Sting's career is in jeopardy and TNA is being recognized as a failure.

Suicide promo airs. He's coming to TNA for revenge. I'm really going to enjoy how they explain this one. Just how do you do it when the only people who will know of him know him from a fake video game storyline?

In the back, Rhino and Bashir are getting into a little screaming match. Bashir I guess had some sort of open challenge that Rhino accepts. He is going to deport Bashir, in a body bag. Oh how I love me some death jokes. Bashir attacks Rhino and leaves him laying there while Lauren calls for help....

Match 3: Beer Money vs. LAX vs. Team 3D vs. Abyss & Morgan

This match is going to require effort. I'll half-ass it and you will learn to love it. Storm and Ray start off with Brother Ray hitting a few Knife Edge Chips, a Hip Toss, a Clothesline, and a Body Slam. Robert Roode enters next, so him and Storm double team Ray. They hit a Double Suplex, but then Devon enters the match. He hits a Hangman's Neckbreaker and a Flying Shoulder Tackle on Storm. Ray picks up Roode for a Side Slam, and now, Hernandez enters.

Hernandez gets in Knife Edge Chop on Roode and a Back Body Drop on Storm. He also hits a Pounce on Roode. Storm comes back by kicking Hernandez in the face, and attempting a Flying Crossbody, which Hernandez reverses into a Sit-out Powerbomb. Brother Ray gets back into the mix by setting Hernandez up for a Doomsday Device, but here comes Homicide.

Homicide nails a Double Missile Dropkick on both Ray and Devon, and once he gets up, a Tornado DDT on Devon. Brother Ray eats a Hurricanrana from Homicide and then a Corkscrew Back Elbow on Devon. Fucking Matt Morgan comes in now. He takes out everyone in sight. I'm limiting myself to one DNA joke per recap, and unfortunately, I have already used it this week. He hits a Fallaway Slam on Homicide and throws him over the top rope to eliminate him.

Morgan then goes for a Running Clothesline on Devon which takes him out of the ring, eliminating him as well. Hernandez sends Morgan to the corner, but ends up being eliminated by Morgan. Matt Morgan is on fire... I really wish I could show some excitement while typing that. Too bad I despise this man so much. Abyss enters the match next, much to Morgan's dismay. Abyss is possibly 20 times more entertaining than Morgan will ever be, anyway. Morgan gets eliminated next by Roode and Ray. There is a God, and I officially love him.

Storm and Roode attack Abyss on the outside. In the ring, Devon brings in a table and the fans toss lighters in the ring. ECW! ECW! Abyss comes in to stop Ray from lighting the table. Abyss gets eliminated with a Clothesline from Team 3D.

Winners: Team 3D and Beer Money

Confused yet? Well, you see, It's still not over! Nope, now we get ANOTHER match. Lucky us....

Match 4: Table are Legal: Team 3D vs. Beer Money

Table are legal? Huh? Team 3D catches Roode with a 3D through a table. Jacqueline pulls the referee out of the ring to stop the count. Brother Ray goes after her, Storm spits beer into his eyes and gets the win. Wow what a devastating finisher....

Winners: Beer Money

Now really, this all could have been just as easily settled with a pretty good Table Match between Beer Money and Team 3D. But no, that would be the logical and easy thing to do. Welcome to TNA, everybody.

Here comes Kurt Angle. He wants to fight Jeff Jarrett and threatened to go to Jarrett's house. I'm convinced that going to another man's house is the most personal thing you can do to another wrestler. Visit a guy's son at a football game and maybe hurt him? Somehow knowing the names of someone's children despite never associating with the man? Creepy, sure, but so long as it doesn't happen within a 50 feet radius of their house, there's no harm done. Really.

Jarrett walks down now saying their feud is over and done with. I bet he'd have a change of heart if he came out on the losing end at BFG. Angle whines and complains that he's the best wrestler ever. Jeff says Angle must take no for an answer, but for now, there's someone right behind him who wants to speak to him. It's Abyss. Oh, how unexpected. Abyss lifts Angle for a Black Hole Slam, but Angle breaks free and runs.....RUNS!

Lauren is in the back talking to Raesha. She doesn't like how Kong has to deal with Taylor Wilde. Someone should tell Saed that if in fact Kong didn't have to deal with Taylor Wilde, there would be no way for her to win the title. This goes to JB who is with Taylor Wilde. She says that Kong will have to end her career to take her title....

Match 4: Knockout Title Match: Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde

This bitch really needs to drop her title already. Kong goes for a big Splash, but Wilde is able to duck out of it. Wilde nails a Corkscrew Elbow on Kong, but ends up eating a Clothesline which gets a two count. Kong goes for a Knife Edge Chop and uses her boot to choke Wilde on the ropes. Taylor gets sent the corner so Kong can hit an Avalanche Splash. Poor Taylor stands no chance. She gets Chokeslammed by Kong which gets another two count.

Kong goes for an Awesome Bomb, but Wilde counters it into a Face Plant. Wilde goes to run off the ropes, but Saed tries to trip her up. Kong hits the Awesome Bomb for the win. It's about time.

Winner and NEW TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong!

MAIN EVENT: Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. Sting & Kevin Nash

For those last remaining idiots who are STILL cheering for Sting, this match was made to finally drive into your head, that yes, Sting is heel. Styles tries to send Nash across the ring, but Nash holds onto the ropes. He immediately goes and tags Sting in. Minimal effort on Nash's part. Can't say I'm surprised. Joe slaps Sting and reverses an Irish Whip into a Running Back Elbow. He also hits an Enziguri. Styles gets in and hits a Kneedrop onto Sting. Nash gets in a Clothesline from the apron and gets tagged back inside.

After the commercials, Sting comes into the ring and sends Styles to the ropes. Styles comes back with a Sunset Flip that gets a 2 count. Sting tags out to Nash, and Styles tags out to Joe. Joe ducks a Clothesline and hit a Backsplash Senton. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash in the corner, but hits Nash by mistake. Joe throws Sting out of the ring, but Nash grabs the title and hits Joe with it to pick up the win.

Winners: Sting & Kevin Nash

After the bell, Styles attacks both Sting and Nash. YEAH! Samoa Joe jumps in and locks on a standing version of The Clutch on Nash. This brings out Angle and Booker. It's your typical 4 on 2 beat down. Something tells me that at this point, TNA is just begging me to change the channel. Maybe they're tired of the Matt Morgan jokes too?

Mick Foley comes down the ring to hopefully save me from a night of way too much Sting. He says that Double J mentioned the rumour that Foley is one of the cheapest men in wrestling. Who'd have ever thought that?

In the middle of Foley speaking, here comes the Main Event Mafia. Holy crap, it just hit me. The Main Event Mafia is TNA's version of the NWO. Oh God no. Anything but this. Angle headbutts Foley, who in response, gets up and laughs. At least he's a good sport. Foley says that Jarrett asked him to invest TNA (because God knows they need all the investors they can get to keep them in business after tonight). He then turns to Kurt and says "you just headbutted... your new boss." TNA almost always manages to have a way of saving a horrible show.....

Foley was about to fire Kurt, but then told him that he's free to work in TNA if that is what he would like to do. He says that TNA is about to become very, very big. If you keep telling yourself that, maybe it'll come true. Foley then asks Kurt "do you want to be a part of history? Or do you want to be history?" Confetti falls from the ceiling and Impact fades to black.....

You mean to tell me this guy is now the Top Dog in TNA???

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: Matt Morgan

READERS CORNER

If anybody’s got anything they would like talked about in the article.......pm me in game (and I’ll put them in the article along with your name! I’m also going to start a Comment review...where the best comments/topics make it into my article. It’s a chance to become.....famous I guess? I’ll make you famous......

The Lo'Down

Well, things are definitely going to be getting interesting. Not necessarily in a good way, because 9 times out of 10, new titles equal epic failure. Diva's Championship, anyone? And I'm willing to mention this pretty early on: the Main Event Mafia will either be extremely good for TNA or will absolutely destroy it. There's no room for a gray area here. All the signs are pointing towards destruction, though. It's too full of ego to work out.

Til next Time, I’m Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Carlton Leach

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

Anyone getting paid by the month with free supporter on TWG to write respectable articles about their chosen topics. In particular anyone who knows these articles are seen by more than people on TWG and EoW and used to bring more people to the site. If he wanted to write an OpEd piece than he should have submitted one of those instead of a review of a nationally viewed television program. Insulting and belittling the program and the people on it, (as well as the fans of some of the wrestlers), is very much not in the spirit of these articles. Sure, a quip here or two is nothing as everyone does that. But constantly getting down on every single thing about TNA is over-the-top and uncalled for.

Posted by Asgard on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #2

Whoa. My response to White Stallion appeared in a weird place...

Posted by Asgard on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #3

i would have to agree with u White Stallion and to Carlton Leach i like the way u just say wat u believe is true.

KEEP up the great articles

WRESTLINGGGGGGGGGGG GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Wrestling GOD!!!! on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #4

It hurts, litterally leaves me in physical pain to read this, and I've been one of the most philanthropic commentors throughout all the articolists' works.

Do you think you sound witty, or snazzy? You missed most major plot points, you don't know the names of finishing moves, hell you even constantly contradict half of your own insults for the sake of starting fresh ones. Tone down the bullhonkey, tivo the damn show and watch it two or three times if you seriously dont get it, do something other than continue this general godawfulness.

Posted by Mr. Groove on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #5

You say you're a fan of TNA, but it doesn't sound like it. X Division matches usually are great, this one sucked, but so does Bashir. Don't know why you're hating on Matt Morgan. The Main Event Mafia is going to help TNA because it allows the good wrestlers more screen time feuding with these guys and filling in the spaces where the MEM usually blocks. TNA still puts on the best matches each week and Foley as the boss, while is nothing new, is a breath of fresh air for TNA.

Posted by Mask of Fury on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #6

boring i hated it

Posted by Arletta on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #7

FIRST!!!!!!!

Posted by Judas Desomas on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #8

The writing seems good, but your blatant and obvious contempt for TNA and a good portion of its wrestlers had me scrolling down to leave this comment before I even got past the old-school Sting picture. If you don't like the material your writing about why bother? Your negative attitude towards TNA and its wrestlers really brings down your readers and makes them uninterested in what is otherwise a well-written article.

Posted by Asgard on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #9

Haha Jackass of the Week:Matt Morgan.

And to Asgard, who wouldn't be negative towards TNA?

Posted by The White Stallion on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #10

Welcome to the team.I just half to say your as bad as Curtis Kash.

Posted by philly on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #11

tnas boring but you got to be fair.

Posted by crazydude on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #12

Suicide is going to be played by Kaz (Frankie Kazarian)

Posted by The Golden Sheik on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #13

only thing i laughed at was when you misspelled chin lock. i cant wait to see what a CHINK LOCK looks like lol

Posted by Teddy Von Erich on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #14

mate not being funny, but are you REALLY a TNA fan or not? You spend most of the article shooting down in flames what they are trying to do. They do something and WWE copy it.
What do I mean? TNA began the Sting/Joe respect angle and lo and behold, what does Jericho start whining about on Raw last week? Shock, gasp, horror! Respect! Now doesn't that sound a tad familiar? Also who couldn't guess what would happen on Raw last week? Oh look Michaels staggers from backstage after a brutal attack and saves Batistas butt.
Yawn.
TNa throws curve balls and admittedly WWE did that on Raw
(Punk and Kofi tag champs YAYYY!) but honestly WWE is so darned predictable these days. TNA isn't perfect but dude stop kicking them in the nuts! The fact that they CAN go to Las Vegas for a show and leave Florida shows that they are beginning to grow and throw their net further and wider.
Give 'em a break. If you can't find anything positive to say about TNA then don't watch it or better yet, stop writing negative articles.

Posted by jake storm on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #15

Honestly this article goes very well with TNA. Both are train wrecks.

Posted by Michael Jakens on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #16

ahh another stupid article
fire this grandamotha fudger!

Posted by Thekillah on Saturday, November 01, 2008
Comment #17

TNA sucks.

Posted by Stefan Escayg on Sunday, November 02, 2008
Comment #18

Tna sucks!!!! ROXOR!!11!!!11!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!11!!!111!1!1!

Ok, had to do my copy cat of the ignorant TNA haters. Tna is not perfect. But seeing as Mark Henry and Vladamir Kozlov are number one contenders across from Aj Styles and Christian Cage, which brand is better again? The only title holders in WWE worth a dang is the world tag champions. They both deserve better. Keep drinking the Kool Aid, unlike the brainwashed Stanford slaves, TNA fans can admit their are problems with the product.

This article gets a 0 out of 5.

Posted by Vince and Dixie on Sunday, November 02, 2008
Comment #19

This was ...different. You came of like one of the annoying members of the IWC that thinks everything about wrestling is crap, and complains religiously about every tiny thing. If you don't like TNA, why on earth did you watch, much less agree to write a weekly review of the show?

Posted by Survive on Sunday, November 02, 2008
Comment #20

Carlton Leach:
ur looonnelllyyy ur sooo lonelllyyy u have nooobooodyyyy ur alll on urr oooooowwwwwwwnnn

Posted by blah blah blah on Sunday, November 02, 2008

Alone in the Impact Zone: 10/30/08

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