Alone in the Impact Zone: 11/13

Your Boy Carlton Leach Presents.....

"Alone in the Impact Zone"

Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. I told you all not to order Turning Point. And I'm sure you all thought, "oh come on, it can't be THAT bad! AJ Styles at least is getting a title shot!" Well to that say, "yes, yes it can be that bad and it was that bad, AJ's title shot or not." Sure the wrestling was pretty good, but the actual results? Holy crap, just thinking about it gets me ready to cry hysterically out of pure rage. We can't relive the NWO (unless we want TNA to go under, which surprisingly, I don't), but as it turns out, that is exactly what's going on. And now, with Christian Cage's alleged departure from TNA (yeah I take notice of the rumours), we're about to take 10 more steps down the hill to failure tonight.

Tonight's show is called: "Christian Gets Made (to look like a total b**ch)" Except I added that last part, but hey, foreshadowing is a good thing......

Let’s get IT STARTED!

JB spoke with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley about NWO V.2 winning all their matches at Turning Point (I hate typing that). Jarrett says the Originals have to fight back, and Foley was embarrassed by the behavior of several wrestlers on Sunday, Alex Shelley in particular. Why is Alex Shelley always the one to look like a total jackass? Petey Williams just looks like an clown(probably because of his resemblance to Scott Steiner). Why can't it be Petey, huh?

-Mick Foley makes his way down to the ring, which already has all of the TNA Originals in it (AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Eric Young, Petey Williams, Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal, Chris Sabin, and Alex Shelley.) Shelley was apparently acting up, which really he wasn't, but he's the horrible person here, so we will be forced hate him no matter what, just so we don't turn on Joe or some other guy whose more important than Shelley for losing every single match they've been in against the NWO V2. Foley calls him out, and says he'll deal with him next week.

Foley tells the rest of them that they need to understand the power of words, and Joe should watch out for the mental mistakes that made Old man Nash beat him on Sunday. They should learn from their mistakes, look for new opportunities to shine, and blah blah blah, a whole bunch of more useless cliches considering they will all still be crushed by the NWO V2 anyway. Tonight, Eric Young has a shot at the X Division title, Styles and Joe get to face Beer Money, and Jay Lethal gets a World title shot...? He does? The crowd was so dead for this whole thing, I can't even get slightly excited for any of it......

-Lauren tries to talk to Christian Cage in the back. Kurt Angle and the rest of the NWO V2 show up to tell him there will be a party. Steiner gives Cage a suit to wear, and Angle tells Cage that he will be a "made man" later in the night. Cage then throws the suit in the garbage once they leave. It's probably just me, but every time I see the NWO on the screen, I feel it's only a matter of time before TNA copies Edge and Lita and gives us their own Live Sex Celebration. Unfortunately though, it'll involve Steiner, Angle, Nash, Booker, and Sting. Get those remote controls ready, because they will be useful on that day. Or any day TNA is on, really.

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: Alex Shelley

Awesome Kong & Rhaka Khan w/ Raisha vs. Taylor Wilde & Roxxi

I absolutely hate how TNA is pushing Roxxi as the second coming of Sabu. It's getting a bit ridiculous, as is everything else they put on the air and try to pass as good television. Kong attacks Wilde on the outside and whips her into the railing. Wilde gets tossed across the ring by Kong, and gets hit with a Splash. Rhaka Khan is tagged in now and hits a Kneedrop, and chokes Wilde in the corner with her legs.

Kong gets tagged back in, and Roxxi gets in as well. Roxxi hits a couple of fore arm shots on Kong, until Khan comes back in with an Axe Kick. Silly Rhaka, black people can't hit Axe Kicks. Ever. All four of the women attack each other in the ring after that, until both Roxxi and Wilde hit a Double Clothesline on Khan. They then take down Kong with a Double Dropkick. Kong is then able to hit the Implant Buster on Roxxi to pick up the win.

Winners: Awesome Kong and Rhaka Khan

-Lauren is with the Motor City Machine Guns in the back. Chris Sabin tells Styles and Joe to get things done by any means necessary. Lauren then takes a little trip to Traci Brooks' office. She still has a job? Saeed is in there making quite the spectacle out of herself, screaming for opponents for Kong. Instead of actually replying and setting up good matches, Brooks decides to ask Khan why she's on Kong's side. "Who wouldnt want to join the Beast?" Don't think that makes you smart by having Kong on your side. Because it doesn't. It does the total opposite considering your chances of ever becoming Knockouts Champ are gone because of this partnership. Dummy.

X Division Title: Eric Young vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir

Crazy Ref is officiating this match. I sense a questionable victory for Eric Young here. Bashir jumps Young once the bell rings, but Eric hits a Belly to Belly Suplex. Bashir gets in a Drop Toe Hold and sends Eric to the corner. He then locks in a Body Scissors. Young pulls apart Bashir's legs and shoves him into the corner. Young hits a Running Back Elbow and a Snap Slam, followed by a Clothesline. He then goes after Bashir in the corner, but Crazy Ref pulls him away, which allows Bashir to get in a Low Blow. I guess Crazy Ref noticed, because he refuses to count the pin.

Bashir, pissed off, shoves Crazy Ref down to the mat. So in response, Crazy Ref "Hulks up" in the best way a referee who has been stuck in an extremely strange angle can, and hits a Body Slam and a Dropkick on Bashir. This allowed Young to hit a Death Valley Driver to win the title!

Winner and new X Division Champion: Eric Young

Normally, I wouldn't mind angle developments pre-match, but considering how the TNA Originals need all the credibility they can get at this point, and Eric Young only won because of the help of a RANDOM REFEREE, things are not looking good.

The rest of the TNA Originals pile into the ring to congratulate Young.

-After the commercials, Lauren is taking with the TNA Originals. EricYoung dedicated his victory to Mick Foley (Huh?), and says it was time for the Originals to shine. I agree. It is time for the Originals to shine, or to at least show a slight chance of glittering. It's not going to happen.

-TNA Rough Cuts aired for LAX. It was actually pretty interesting, so no jokes this time. In the back, JB is talking to the NWO V2. Angle says that Young didn't beat any NWO members to win the title. That's true. Because it would never ever happen. Petey Williams now runs in to talk to Scott Steiner. Everyone except Steiner was ready to eat him alive, but Scott just tells him to get out.

-Lauren is with Jay Lethal now. He has the most creative line of the night in "the Stinger gets stung tonight." I wish I was that clever. Petey wishes him luck.

Scott Steiner vs. Rhino

This isn't going to be good. Not at all. They lock up, and Scott flips Rhino across the ring. They get in a shoving match, and Rhino hits a few fists and sends Steiner to the ropes. Scott bounces back to hit a Belly to Belly Overhead Suplex. He chokes Rhino on the ropes and got in a couple of Knife Edge Chops. He then lays Rhino out with a clothesline, and does a few push-ups. You arrogant.....moron..

I'm falling asleep from this match. Once I am able to pry my eyes open, Rhino hits a Belly to Belly Suplex. Rhino sets up for the Gore, and Kurt Angle came down at some point I guess, because he grabs Rhino's ankle, which allows Scott to hit a Rolling Belly to Belly for the win. Thank God it's over

Winner: Scott Steiner

JB is with Sting now. I don't even know what he's saying. I hate him too much now to even care to listen. I'd say that because of that, you'd be suffering, but really, I'm sure none of you care about Sting either. Sting's job should have been to help put over talent, and he's been in TNA for years, and I'm still waiting for that to happen.....

TNA World Title: Sting vs. Jay Lethal

Do you seriously think Lethal stand a chance? Because if you do, just know I'm virtually laughing in your face right now. THE CROWS BOOED STING DURING HIS INTRODUCTION! Are this people finally catching on!? It's about God damn time. My gospel is finally being spread.

Jay hits a bunch of fists, and he follows that up with a Dropkick and a Flying Clothesline. Lethal begins pounding Sting in the corner, but Sting flips him over the ropes. Lethal hits a Suicide Dive, and Sting limps back into the ring.....Sting hits a Clothesline and a Suplex. Lethal rolls out of the ring, but Sting goes out and grabs him. The Motor City Machine Guns come down to ringside at this point to watch. Sting rolls Lethal back into the ring and locks in a Rear Chin Lock. Lethal manages to power out, and hit a Back Suplex and a few Clotheslines. Jay hits a Dropkick, and Shelley distracts the referee so Sabin could hold Sting down for Jay to get in a few che ap shots. Lethal kicks Sabin out since he wants to win cleanly, so Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop to pick up the win. Nice move, Lethal.

Winner: Sting

Some video game awards commercial aired in the middle of the show, but once it cut back, backstage, the NWO V2 totally destroyed Petey Williams. Lots of blood, and weapons. Everything needed for some good entertainment, and we didn't even get to witness it.

JB is with Beer Money and Jacqueline. Roode was upset that they have to wrestle tonight, and Storm tells Joe and AJ to focus on Beer Money, not their silly war. This is going to be such a hard match for me to watch. Who to cheer for? Hmm. Oh crap, I sound like your basic Impact Zone fan going between Sting and the Originals. I hate myself.

Tag Team Titles Match: Beer Money w/ Jacqueline vs. Samoa Joe & AJ Styles

James Storm comes down to the ring on a beer scooter, therefore, I'm on Beer Money's side tonight. James Storm is more awesome then your mind will even let you believe. The match starts, and Styles starts working over Storm with a Flying Knee, and he tags in Joe. Roode also gets the tag, and gets in a few Knife Edge Chops. Joe retaliates with an Enziguri and tags Styles back in. There's a bunch of double teaming going on, and Team 3D come down to the announce table.

After the break, Styles gets flipped over the ropes by Roode. He then goes for a Springboard Flying Fore-arm, but Roode tags in Storm who gets the advantage. Storm then steps down and gets in 3D's face. Roode goes for a Belly to Belly, but Styles slips out. AJ hits an Enziguri to break free. Beer Money begin to double team AJ, but he eventually hits a Pele.

Both Joe and Roode get tagged in now. Joe hits a Samoan Drop on Storm, and lifts Roode up for a Spinning Drop. Team 3D then decide to leave the announce table. Ray grabs some beer and spits it in Storm's eyes, which gets a DQ.

Winners by DQ: Beer Money

Easily the best match of the night. But hey, this is TNA after all, so just when you think that maybe things can end on a positive note...........

A promo for Suicide airs. But no, that is not the issue here. The issue is this: The Not So Beautiful People and Kip God Damn James are on my TV screen inviting SARAH PALIN to come to TNA and join them and receive $50,000 for a charity of her choice in the process.

OH MY GOD, PLEASE, TNA, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ANY OF YOUR VIEWERS, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. I'M BEGGING YOU. FOR MY SAKE, BECAUSE I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS WEEKLY, AND FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WRESTLING GAME AND THE WORLD OVER, PLEASE.

Alright. Moving on. The NWO V2 comes down to the ring now, without Sting. Kurt Angle asks Christian to join them. Cage comes down in his street clothes, and the NWO seems pretty angry about this. And once again, Scott Steiner and his awkward suit is one of the only things that entertained me tonight....

Kurt tells Cage that he needs to bond with all the members of the NWO, but then he mentions that Cage has refused to negotiate a new contract with TNA. He says Cage wants to jump ship to WWE. I then start crying (not really) because I realize where this going and I know TNA is about to start sucking even more. Angle then says that tonight is Cage's "going away party". It's his last night in TNA(?) and he ends up being absolutely destroyed by Kurt and friends. And to take us out, YET AGAIN, the NWO stand over Cage with their arms raised, secretly laughing on the inside knowing that they're the Triple H and/or Hulk Hogan of TNA.......

READERS CORNER

If anybodys got anything they would liked talked about in the article.......pm me in game (and Il put them in the article along with your name....Im also going to start a Comment review...where the best comments/topics make it into my article. Its a chance to become.....famous I guess? Il make you famous......

The Lo'Down

And that just about does it for this week. I read a seriously awesome column earlier this week about the Main Event Mafia and a list of some really good reasons to prove that they are really ruining TNA (as if it's not already obvious). But because of that, I've now become incredibly curious. Is there anyone out there, who is mentally stable, that actually likes the Main Event Mafia? Seriously, if you exist, I'm interested in knowing how that's possible. Christian Cage....take me with you??? Please?

Til next Time, Im Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Carlton Leach

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

You won't be able to post pics of Christian for much longer.

Good read - I'm liking the Jackass of the week thing.

Posted by Vince on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #2

i think the MEM is a good idea if they do it right. but this is TNA so i dout they will do it right. but i like MEM. lets see were it goes.

Posted by Dude McCloud on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #3

I actually DO tolerate the MEM, relative to the rest of TNA. Most of my toleration for them comes from Angle's awesomeness, not their storyline. But hey.

Posted by The Glide on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #4

the main event mafia is great and scot steiners promos are always entertaining, even if they are not intended to be funny.
the young guys are going to come out on top in the end but the mem have to dominate at the start to make the young guys look even better when they do eventually win. other wise all that will happen is the mem will look bad.

Posted by WarMongrel on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #5

So, article put up on the 24th of november. Show actually transmitted on on the 13th. Do you always intend to be so late that you might as well not have bothered?
And where you say that you don't want TNA to go under... pull the other one, it plays Christmas carols. Every article of yours is littered with hatred for TNA. Seriously, if you don't like it as much as you make it obvious you don't, then don't watch the show (a week or so late).

Posted by Bill Durham on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #6

i have to agrue with bill burham. if you dont like tna please dont write about it. you suck at it. please ask someone else to write it for you.

Posted by jonathan garza on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #7

I don't see a single problem with your writing. You have the potential to become a well know yet infamous Columnist.

My advice to you is either let someone take over TNA who actually enjoys it. I agree that TNA isn't good. It's a pile of Horse manure. But some people. I say some. I mean alot of people really enjoy TNA and it is an injustice for them to have to read your constant bashing of the Brand. Think of a new subject for your articles. As i said you can write and you can write well.

It's just your constant bashing of TNA that makes your columns bad. If you don't enjoy something then don't write on it. It's not professional.

With that being said. I wish you all the luck you need in future articles. 6/10

Posted by Neil 'Ombra' Davies on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #8

Neil'Ombra'Davies I should tell you Carlton Leach is a solid writer but his blantant ignoring of his comments plus he onyl knows hwo to hate on stuff not meantiona nythign good. Has me to Suspect that Carlton is actually Jake Hammer. Because only Jake Hammer could be so vile about everything and so dumb to waste so much potential writing greatness on bashing.

Carlton Leach are you Jake Hammer Yes or No?

Posted by Tornado Panther on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #9

Now as far as CC leaving TNA, anyone else think that itd be decent if he went to smackdown and challenged edge for the title?

Posted by Matt on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #10

Nah, Carlton can both spell and use grammar simultaneously. He can't be Jake Hammer. To someone who doesn't (can't) watch TNA, these articles are actually pretty funny, though I can see why TNA fans might want a different guy/girl on the job

Posted by Say What? on Monday, November 24, 2008
Comment #11

I love the whole MEM vs TNA Frontline thing going on.. but you said anyone witha stable mind.... so that being said, never mind... cuz the last thing i am is stable.

Posted by Freestyle Chris Michaels on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Comment #12

You are still a week behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get with the program, I don't care where you are from it don't take two weeks for a show to go around the world.... Get UPDATED!!!!

Posted by WOW on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Comment #13

To add to my comment... in the world of Journalism and Media "OLD NEWS IS NO NEWS!!!"

Posted by WOW on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Comment #14

I love how you dis TNA, not that i agree with most of what you think/say, but it keeps me entertained.
As for MEM, i think in the long run(if they do have one) sting should just turn on the rest of them, and lead the originals to demolish MEM. Otherwise it will corrode TNA talent. Short term i believe its working for TNA

Posted by R.U.Sty on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Comment #15

go ahead ban another one of my comments what you going delete my wrestler i'll just make him again, TNA is better then WWE with storylines and creativity, bottom line, CARLTON U SUCK STOP WATCHING TNA YOUR EMBARISSING YOURSELF

Posted by Collective Soul on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Comment #16

forgot too metion that Carlton Leach, your a racist, saying "black people cant do an axe kick ever" really? is it because Booker T is in TNA or maybe Raka Khan is bothering you, well, at least she dosent have a bulldog for a finisher (Kelly, Kelly) or a RIP OFF of CC (Candice) next week you'll probably metion that R-Truth is good, but keep this in mind according to you TNA sucks and black people cant do axe kicks, Ron Killings started in TNA, and landed great kicks while he was there.

Posted by Collective Soul on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Comment #17

i agree man Carlton Leach can suck it

Posted by Collective Soul 2 on Thursday, November 27, 2008
Comment #18

No swearing this time... but we get racism instead (for what reason I've no idea). Okay... you're more positive than last week. But that's not saying much. You're still vastly mostly just ripping on the product and complaining about having to do it. You almost ask, in your article, for somebody to take over your column. So... I'm gonna do you a favour. Opinions on my own work and technicalities permitting, I'm gonna take over your column. If I manage that, maybe you'll be cheerful and relieved to instead write about something you do enjoy (as I do agree you can write well in a linguistic sense, if not maybe in an audience consideration sense - so you're sure to get another column). No hard feelings, aside from the racism - that's just plain unnecessary, and you can have some hard feelings for that. But other than that, you must admit you do seem to be begging to not do this column any more, so I don't really feel bad at all for telling you I want to take it over. I would also hand in my articles in a more timely fashion. I will be contacting Glide when I get home. Again please don't see this as something personal, you just made me so sick of the negativity in your articles towards something I personally enjoy, that I want to fix it. I'm only human.

Posted by Jane Ross on Friday, November 28, 2008
Comment #19

Thenk you very much

Posted by penis enlargement pills on Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Alone in the Impact Zone: 11/13

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