Alone in the Impact Zone: 11/20

Your Boy Carlton Leach Presents.....

"Alone in the Impact Zone"

Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Tonight's going to be an interesting night to say the least. For one, Booker T is defending the LEGEND'S TITLE against ERIC YOUNG. Try to make sense of that one. There's that, and some more Main Event Mafia domination! It's like the same episode of Impact that we've been watching for the past month - Tired, Not different, and Absurd. You see what I did there? I am just too good.

Tonight's show is called "Leadership...Divided". I'll throw in my own title as usual, "Leadership...Not Knowing How to Properly Book a Wrestling Show". Let's get on with the show before I start another tirade. Let’s get IT STARTED!

JB's useless ass starts us off, chasing Kurt Angle and the rest of the MEM. They have a casket. HAHAHA! HOW FUNNY! They're going to give Christian a "proper burial." Holy hell, that was horrible irony. The casket and the MEM make their way down to the ring. Everyone is dressed in black. Because this is a funeral for Christian Cage. It's also a funeral for my faith in TNA. Kurt says he's sending Cage back to the WWE in an ambulance and wants to know if anyone has any words for him....And here comes Rhino! Wait. What?

wait......thats not right.......

Ah thats better. Not sure what pic is uglier to be honest. Well heres....Rhino? He has something to say. It's probably going to be something self-glorying and end in "GORE, GORE, GORE!" but it's still something. He was offended that Cage was beaten down. Yeah, because this is ALL about you, man. Forget that you're friend is probably dead, he can't be as physically hurt as you are emotionally. Now Rhino's demanding respect too? God dammit. He also says that the MEM is afraid to lose their spot to the younger guys. First of all, if Rhino is calling himself young, I'm laughing. Secondly, um, duh? Booker says that Rhino sounds pretty brave, but that's only because he's on the ramp. So, this brings Rhino down to the ring and he proceeds to be destroyed just like his good friend Christian. The MEM then shoved him into the casket and closed the lid. Seriously, if you were that concerned about Cage, why didn't you help the guy while he was being torn apart? Just a suggestion. -JB is in the back again with Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett wants to know whose backing the MEM. These little Mafia references are neither cute nor clever. -My man, AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are talking with the Motor City Machine Guns. Alex Shelley makes some comments about Styles kissing Foley's ass. And of course, here's Foley to tear into Shelley some more and book Styles & Joe vs. Shelley & Sabin. Talk about team unity! On a bit of a side note, I'm not enjoying this half-assed anger being produced by Mick Foley. Whappened to one of the best promo men in the business? He was you know.

Consequences Creed & Jay Lethal vs. Hiroshi & Sonjay Dutt w/ his herself

Jay and Dutt start it off with Jay hitting his Backspring Elbow. Val decides to be her usual annoying and bitchy self by getting up onto the apron and taunting Lethal. Unfortunately, he doesn't slap the taste out of her mouth. Nope, instead, Dutt jumps him from behind. Tanahashi gets tagged in, and hits a Somersault Senton on Lethal. He then hits a Splash and calls for Creed to get in. Lethal hits a Drop-kick and tags in Creed. Dutt is also tagged in, and gets caught with a Spinning Fisherman's Buster. He sets up for a Big Punch, but Dutt was rushing him, so he went ahead and punched Dutt and then Super Kicked Tanahashi. Dutt hits a Jawbreaker, and Creed reverses an irish Whip. Dutt then tries for a Springboard Inverted DDT, but Creed turns it into a TKO, and picks up the win.

Winner: Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal

-In the back, Lauren is with the Hey, They Could Be Worse People and Kip James. They talk about the newest Knockout, Sojournor Bolt being Christy's new partner. Why must she have such a complicated first name? And holy crap, what the hell is Kip James doing!?! Am I seeing Kip James preform sex on himself on television!?! Please excuse me while I let my eyes drop out of their sockets and turn to dust. Screw this. I'm so done with that promo.

-Suicide promo airs. How can you take somebody seriously when they dress up so comically? it's not possible.

-And now, a Feast or Fired promo airs. Dear God, TNA, please do not do this. This is all a horrible attempt at beating out the Money in the Bank, and once again, probably due to copyright issues, TNA makes it so ridiculous, then even the Impact Zone fans are silent. Well, goodbye Lance Rock. -There was a fight in the back. Bashir was going off about his loss last week in his "native tongue." Jim Cornette is not pleased at Crazy Referee for showing off his skills last week. I'm pretty sure he just stripped Young of the X Division Title, because it's now back in Bashir's hands. Crazy Ref is now on probation. And once again, ERIC YOUNG gets to face Booker T later for the LEGEND'S TITLE. Still cant get over that one...

Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/ Random Man Whose Existence I Refuse to Recognize After What he Put me Through vs. Christy Hemme & Sojournor Bolt
Bolt and Love start it out. Bolt locks on a Headlock, but is soon sent to the ropes. Love hits a Thrust Kick, and climbs on top of Bolt and begins to punch her. Sky is tagged in and her and Love hit an Elbow Drop. Bolt fights back with a High Crossbody on Bolt and then a Jawbreaker. Hemme gets the tag and she hits a Clothesline on Love, who just got in as well. She nails a Double Sledge on Sky, and then uses Love's hair to Spin Slam her. She kicks Sky in the head, and Random Man jumps on the apron to distract Christy, but is met with a slap. She then turns around and is hit with the Lights Out by Love for the win.
Winners: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky

That was so bad. Really, really, really bad. Christy Hemme cannot wrestle. The girl's been in the business for around four years now and she still can't wrestle. Keep her at the ringside, TNA. She has no business making Angelina Love look like a bad wrestler. But hey how about random Christy Hemme pictures to cheer me up?

Yep....works a charm everytime. -We now get another Rough Cuts with Homicide. He once stuck a tampon into a bullet wound and taped it together so he could wrestle. Move out of the way Sabu, HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE! That was just too easy.

-ODB has taken over Karen Angle's job with ODB's Angle. Way to get creative with the name changes, TNA. At least ODB has a personality. She's with Sharmell this week. She makes fun of Sharmell's name and asks what kind of underwear she wears. Sharmell is demanding respect now too. Would it be too harsh for me to type "STFU, you annoying b-atch"? Because if not, then that statement sums this segment up. Holy crap, Sharmell vs. ODB in a DANCE OFF at Final Resolution. That whole segment is what is most commonly referred to as a "train wreck."

-JB is talking with the NWO II. Again. Hey guys, would you like to totally take over all the air time tonight? Angle warns Abyss and Matt Morgan that they're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have had it with the God damn Mafia references. One more time on this show, and I will make so many unfunny comments that you'll be embarrassed for reading this recap on a weekly basis.

Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

I'll give you a bit of a spoiler: The MCMG stand no chance. Surprising, huh? All four guys go after each other as soon as the bell rings. Shelly hits the floor, Joe goes for a Suicide Dive, Shelley moves, and Joe shifts last minute and lands on his feet. Shelley hits a Back Kick from the apron, and jumps on the ropes to allow Sabin to hit a Suicide Dive on Joe. Styles knocks Shelley off and hits a Somersault Plancha on pretty much everyone. After the break, The Guns are working over Joe. Sabin uses a Dropkick, and both of them hit a Sandwich Kick. Joe fights back with Knife Edge Chops and an Irish Whip on Sabin. Sabin goes for a Tornado DDT, but Joe shoves Sabin off and hits a Snap Powerslam. BOth Styles and Shelley are tagged in, and Styles hits a Springboard Flying Forearm. He goes for a Styles Clash, but Sabin runs up from behind Shelley and Dropkicks Styles. He goes for a Sliced Bread, but gets shoved into the corner instead. Joe's in now and he hits a Running Back Elbow and an Enziguri on Sabin. The Guns them hit Big Boots on Styles. Sabin goes for the Cradle Shock, but Styles gets out and shoves Sabin into the ropes. Styles pins Shelley with a Styles Clash.
Winners: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Seriously, one the best matches I've seen on Impact in a really long time. If TNA could do stuff like this for two hours every week, people wouldn't be willing to drink poison or some other crazy crap just to get out of watching an episode of Impact. Really, the key to more success isn't all that hard.....MORE AJ! ALOT MORE! But then.....Of course, in true TNA fashion, here come the NWO II! They jump Styles and Joe and Shelly and Sabin don't bother to help them out. Creed and Lethal rush out to aid Styles and Joe, but they get destroyed too. This is all too ridiculous.....

-Raesha Saeed is in the back with Traci Brooks. She wants to know if Kong will have a new opponent. Traci says she couldn't find anyone who would be willing to face Kong. In response, Saeed says that an innocent "civilian will be victimized." Can TNA maybe fire Sting tonight and then invite him to have a front row seat? He'd them become a civilian. A civilian, I should add, that I would love to see get victimized by Kong.....

-Lauren is now talking with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. Rhino drugs Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley in and once again, begins to tear into them. Here he goes, delivering an insane promo. And by insane, I do not mean in a good way. Somebody needs to tell Rhino that he DID NOT build ECW up. He had nothing to do with ECW's success. Rhino needs to realize his place and get his irrelevant since 2001 ass off my TV screen.

LEGEND'S Title: Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. ERIC YOUNG
This match is such a joke in its concept. Anyway, Booker his a Kneelift, but Eric fights back with an Arm Drag to the canvas. Booker gets to his feet and uses a Knife Edge Chop and a Kneelift on Young, but Eric then hits an Arm Drag. Deja vu much? Booker gets to his feet again, and uses ANOTHER Kneelift to get free. Young ducks out of a Crescent Kick, but Booker catches him off the ropes and hits a Hot Shot. Booker hits a Crescent Kick, and then a Superkick. He goes for a pin which only gets a two count. Once back up, Young dodges an Axe Kick (because everyone in the world does), but ends up being locked in a Rear Chin Lock. Young fights back to his feet and hits a back Elbow off of an Irish Whip. He then hits a Clothesline, and goes for a Spicolli Driver, but Booker breaks out of it and attempts another Axe Kick. Which he fails at. As always. Eric gets in the Spicolli Driver this time, and Booker kicks out of two. Eric goes to the ropes, but Sharmell grabs his ankle, so Booker is able to hit the Axe Kick for the win.
Winner: Booker T

-In the back. Borash is again with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Foley apparently has another "huge" announcement, which in actuality, are never that huge. Borash now travels to Team 3D. Devon says that Roode and Storm are trying to make themselves more important than they really are. If Beer Money wants to play, it's time to play. Oh God, that sounds so wrong. Ray wants to know why the MEM hasn't invited Team 3D to join yet, and then says that Beer Money needs to learn...yep, you got it, RESPECT. You know what? I think every obnoxious wrestler in TNA needs to learn how to respect whatever fans they have left by not being so boring and repetitive. You can't get respect if you don't respect other people. [wordsofwisdom]

-Hermie Sadler, a race car driver who I didn't know existed until this very second, is with Lauren in the back. He has a new show on TNAwrestling.com starting in 2009. Am I actually plugging TNA's website after all the crap they just put on the air? How low have I gotten?

Old Man Nash & Kurt Angle vs. Abyss & The Blueprint of Failure
Angle and Abyss start it off. Angle locks in a Headlock, but Abyss lifts him up and Irish Whips him. Abyss then hits a Shoulder Tackle, followed by a Clothesline. He beats on Angle in the corner, and eventually hits the Shock Treatment. Why is it that the only time Angle can possibly look weak in a match is against Abyss. It makes no sense because no one cares how good Abyss does in the ring. People are too transfixed on the fact that his tag team partner sucks so much that he makes Kip James look 0.0000005% better. That's saying something. Or, they could just be jealous of his SUPER AWESOME, TOTALLY AMAZING DNA. Back to the match, Angle kicks out at 2, so here comes Matt Morgan! ...Silence. Morgan hits a Bodyslam on Angle and then drops an elbow. Nash gets the tag and hits a Clothesline on Morgan. He then used the boot to choke Morgan in the corner. Kurt gets back in and goes back and forth with fists with Morgan. Angle hits two European Uppercuts, and goes for the Angle Slam, but Morgan turns it into a Clothesline. Beer Money and Jacqueline come down from the back to watch. Why? Both Nash and Abyss get tagged in. Abyss uses a bunch of Clothesline on both Angle and Nash, followed by Running Splashes on both of them. Abyss then hits a Side Slam on Nash, but Angle breaks up the pin attempt. Abyss throws Angle to the outside, so Nash and Morgan fight in the ring. Nash hits a Back Elbow. Just watching Kevin Nash trying to wrestle makes me feel like I'm being injured. Morgan misses a Bicycle Kick, and flips over the top rope. Abyss throws Angle back inside the ring and goes up to the top rope. James Storm jumps up onto the apron and shatters his beer bottle on Abyss's head. Abyss comes off the ropes and flys(?) right into Nash's Big Boot, which gets the win.
Winners: Kurt Angle and Old Man Nash

-Mick Foley comes down to the ring for his 456th "huge announcement." He says that the MEM is part of the past, and that he shares the past with him. Do I sense a Foley heel turn sometime in the future? He agrees that the MEM could be the best stable in wrestling history. WHAT. THE. HELL. He also says that the MEM could be the past, present, and future of TNA. Again, WHAT. THE. HELL. It's not even that the comment is logically incorrect, but it's also factually incorrect since none of these guys were there for TNA's inception to be part of the past, and once they stop making the money they earn now, they won't be a part of the future either. Mick announces two co-main events for Final Resolution.

1.) Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Sting vs. AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and two others who have yet to be named. Nice little deal there. I can't complain. But hey, leave it to TNA to put a horrible twist on it. If the MEM wins, Sting keeps his title, and if the MEM loses, AJ Styles gets the title. Basically, it means that AJ can take his sweet ass time in this match, and hell, he doesn't even have to get involved. Samoa Joe can do all the fighting for him and actually score the pin (hahaha, right. Like the MEM is going to lose) and AJ Styles will still win the title. Oh TNA, you never fail to make me question why I watch your product. The second match is Kurt Angle vs. Rhino. Which I think deserves another resounding WHAT. THE. HELL. Nothing makes any sense anymore. How the hell can Rhino push himself into the main event when last week, he didn't even exist? Kurt Angle comes down now. He's all up in Foley's face. He wants to know why Jarrett won't face him. He then challenges Mick Foley and slaps him. This keeps getting worse and worse. Oh joy, here comes Jeff Jarrett. Jeff wants Kurt out of TNA. He says he can't fire him (yes you can...) but he can add a ridiculous stipulation onto his match with Rhino! If Rhino wins, Angle is done with TNA, but if Angle wins, he gets Jeff Jarrett. Could you make the outcome of this match any more obvious? Kurt slaps Jeff when he offers his hand, but Jeff just smiles and points to the ramp, where Rhino now runs down and Gores Angle.
MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: RHINO

READERS CORNER1.“So, article put up on the 24th of november. Show actually transmitted on on the 13th. Do you always intend to be so late that you might as well not have bothered?

And where you say that you don't want TNA to go under... pull the other one, it plays Christmas carols. Every article of yours is littered with hatred for TNA. Seriously, if you don't like it as much as you make it obvious you don't, then don't watch the show (a week or so late). “

Posted by Bill Durham on Monday, November 24

Billy Boy, the only way I can respond is to let you live my lefe for a week. See how busy and hectic it is, then you will find that you will be complaining much less about me and my deadlines.

2. “Neil'Ombra'Davies I should tell you Carlton Leach is a solid writer but his blantant ignoring of his comments plus he onyl knows hwo to hate on stuff not meantiona nythign good. Has me to Suspect that Carlton is actually Jake Hammer. Because only Jake Hammer could be so vile about everything and so dumb to waste so much potential writing greatness on bashing.

Carlton Leach are you Jake Hammer Yes or No?

Posted by Tornado Panther on Monday, November 24

Carlton Leach is Carlton Leach. This Jake Hammer guy...never heard of him. So answer to your question....not in this lifetime.

3.”I love how you diss TNA, not that i agree with most of what you think/say, but it keeps me entertained...As for MEM, i think in the long run(if they do have one) sting should just turn on the rest of them, and lead the originals to demolish MEM. Otherwise it will corrode TNA talent. Short term i believe its working for TNA”

Posted by R.U.Sty on Tuesday, November 25

Well aint that what its all about,,,me suffering through the shows for you guys to benefit entertainment wise...whoever said this writer aint good to his readers? If Sting was to actually do that, he may just reclaim back the ounce of respect I had for him. Speaking of ounces....Later allJ

REMEMBER....The best comments/topics make it into my article. Its a chance to get your name in my article. Woo Hoo.

The Lo'Down
And that just about does it for this week. The NWO II has been around for a month now, maybe a little bit longer, and that Gore that Angle just took was literally the most vulnerable they have ever looked. That's really saying something, and it's not a good thing. As for my prediction? Clearly, Jeff Jarrett has to involve his egotistical self. The TNA Originals can't succeed without Jarrett's amazing power. I swear, it must be a great, great thing to be able to let your ego run wild on national TV whenever you please.
Til next Time, Im Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

First Post, plus great report! Christian Cage diddent need going away match. Christian, do better in WWE.

Posted by The Demon on Saturday, November 29, 2008
Comment #2

you should already know what i think of you, why cant you stop whining like Jericho and Batista and do a un-bias report, you cant judge TNA based against WWE, WWE has been in business a lot longer, you should respect the fact TNA is on th rise but there no where close to being wwe's challenge, if you dont like it stop watching it, a real writer writes on what he is passionate about not what they hate about.

Posted by Collective Soul on Saturday, November 29, 2008
Comment #3

Soul, he doesn't referense TNA to WWE, at least not through the half of the page that i bothered to slug through.

The matter still stands, Carlton, this isn't anything close to a decent report of events if you completely bypass the meaning behind everything they're saying and doing, and simply laying down the skeleton of the previous week's show and garnish it with bad insults you might as well've copy and pasted off of youtube comments.

I hate to diss you, as you've continued writing up this obhorrent crap for weeks on end now and apparently there's nobody to be seen to replace you. However, please at least try to tone down the childish slander. If after this post there are 50 more commentators who honestly find you funny, I'll stand corrected, keep up the good work I'll just skip reading this, but otherwise for the love of god come up with better material.

I, for one, enjoy TNA's product, and just don't see why it deserves such a poor preformance on your end representing it.

Posted by Balduran on Saturday, November 29, 2008
Comment #4

WOOOT my name is up there!!

Posted by R.U.Sty on Saturday, November 29, 2008
Comment #5

ok crazy person above me, lets have better articles, people like tna, i got bored of it last april now, id rather snore throw it.

Posted by crazydude on Saturday, November 29, 2008
Comment #6

Hey guess what, I've got a busy schedule too! Lots of people have! This is an internet game though, not your weekly pay packet, and nobody's holding a gun to your head to write these articles. But! Don't worry. Help is at hand! You don't have to "drink poison" to avoid watching these shows. You can have a bit less of a hectic schedule, for nothing! How? Hand me your job here. Then you won't have to suffer any more. I want to rid this site of your reports, and you want to not have to do them any more. Everybody wins! I'm going to try my best to make it happen. I'm typing up THIS week's report first thing tomorrow (because it's late today), and sending it in. I'll let the people in charge listen to my arguments, go over my work, and decide if they want to use me instead. Hopefully for both our sakes (and everybody else's), they'll say yes. Because, SOMEbody has to stop this. It can't just go on like it is. If the word 'disrespect' wasn't so overused in the TNA programming, I'd be talking about it right now. Get the hell off my favourite TV program's back, and all the creative minds, business people and especially the athletes who work damn hard to make it happen!

Posted by Jane Ross on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #7

I agree, i say VOTE Jane Ross, yes or no TWG players, should Jane take over the disrespecting Carlton's job?

Posted by Collective Soul on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #8

Carlton has my vote...he shows his emotion...most the other writers in this game are robots

Posted by Mike Test on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #9

Carlton for President

Posted by Carlton Fan Club on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #10

TAKE CARLTONS JOB JANE ROSS

Posted by Mr.Jones on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #11

Yes to Jane Ross. A million times a yes. Get Carlton of TNA reporting as he obviously can't do it without being ridiculously biased.

Posted by Survive on Sunday, November 30, 2008
Comment #12

What the hell? i thought reporters are suppose to be unbiased?
that was just tna bashing there

Posted by comment on Monday, December 01, 2008
Comment #13

holy crap I haven't seen so much crap since i worked on the farm. I agree Jane take the job ,Carlton shows emotion well that too is a crock of well i wont curse.just how much emotion is shown in a bunch of useless text and wow talk about a waste of the the 30 seconds I took to try to read that article,please give me back the 30 seconds anyone.

Posted by redfreak on Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Comment #14

Well I tried but unfortunately I wasn't allowed to take the job since that's against the rules. Fair enough I guess. I tried.

Posted by Jane Ross on Saturday, December 06, 2008
Comment #15

you're welcome for the use of my Christy pic

Posted by Mauser98k on Monday, April 06, 2009

Alone in the Impact Zone: 11/20

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

Comment #2

Comment #3

Comment #4

Comment #5

Comment #6

Comment #7

Comment #8

Comment #9

Comment #10

Comment #11

Comment #12

Comment #13

Comment #14

Comment #15

Leave a comment