Alone in the Impact Zone 11/6/08

Your Boy Carlton Leach Presents.....

"Alone in the Impact Zone"

Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Now before you all ask me "oh Carlton, why are you so late with reports? I can't live without your recaps and you have yet again left me without a recap for when I wake up! How could you be so cruel!?!" I will tell you how. I spent the majority of the week at the hospital due do some family emergency sort of deal, so I really had no time to watch Impact until 5AM this morning. I'll tell you this much though: never strip naked and run through 3 glass doors. Trust me. It's a bad idea.

Let’s get IT STARTED!

Now onto the wrestling and such. Tonight's episode is called: Hit Man for the Mafia. I'm assuming they're referring to Scott Steiner who has once again graced us with his awful presence all in an attempt to bother us to our very core and remind us that yes, NO MATTER HOW BAD TNA MAY BE RIGHT NOW, IT'S ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT WORSE. Am I right?

Speaking of getting a whole hell of a lot worse, here comes the Main Event Mafia! That flowed pretty nicely. Angle introduces Scott Steiner as the hit man of the MEM. Scott Steiner should not be allowed to wear suits. Ever. Steiner and Nash do the Wolfpack sign together, and all I can think is WCW was diced for a reason idiots!

Steiner rants about the lack of respect in TNA and how it's pissed him off. There's tons of irony in that because him talking about the lack of respect in TNA is pissing me off. The crowd is actually cheering for this crap. Scott says that the only stars in TNA are in the MEM and that they will be "kicking your ass and look good doing it." Which leads me to believe that Scott Steiner's house doesn't have any mirrors in it.......

This brings out the TNA Originals. Samoa Joe mocks Steiner for not being able to cut a promo. As bad as this angle is, there are a few little gems. This being one of them. Joe also goes off about Nash turning his back on him, and how he'll probably do the same to Scott. He then brings out Christian Cage as the newest member of the TNA Originals. Wait... since when is Cage a TNA Original?? Seriously.

This is where Cage corrects Joe. He said he isn't picking a side, but he will be happy to lend a hand. This means sometime in the future, Cage will be a member of the MEM. Cage goes on to say that he will beat and embarrass Booker on Sunday at Turning Point.

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: SCOTT STEINER

*JB is in the back with Mick Foley and AJ Styles. Mick has yet another message for everyone. I'm pretty sure this is Foley's new job; pretending he has a major part in the company, when really, he's just used to make the crowd a little more interested in the product with these "major announcements." Foley is mad that Borash was insensitive when he talked about seeing a kid in the hospital, and Styles went to look for Joe..

Booker T w/ Sharmell & Beer Money vs. Christian Cage & The Motor City Machine Guns

Sharmell's mere presence at ringside has me ready to attack at any given point and rip her throat out should she decide to speak. Shelley and Sabin double team Roode with a bunch of different moves until Storm hits an Enziguri on Sabin, which allows Roode to hit a Spinebuster. Beer Money gets in a Double Suplex on Sabin, and Storm goes for a Reverse Playmaker and a Rear Chin Lock.

Christian Cage gets tagged in and hits an Inverted DDT on Beer Money. Booker T tags in now, and gets hit with a Frog Splash from Cage. At this point, the match becomes a total cluster----, with Suicide Dives, and Slingshot Crossbodies and the like.

Finally in the ring, Booker misses the Ax Kick (when the hell will he learn?), so Cage hits the Reverse Face Plant. Jacqueline jumps in to provide a distraction, so Sharmell slides in the Legends Title, which Booker uses on Cage to pick up the win.

Winners: Booker T and Beer Money

JB is now talking with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett is warned that Angle is upset and wants Jarrett in the ring. If Jarrett wasn't already aware of this, he may just be an even bigger idiot then Matt Morgan. Who am I kidding? That's not possible. Anyway, Jarrett says that he will get into the ring if and when he's ready.

Kurt Angle magically appears, with security restraining him. No! Don't stop him! Let me enjoy this episode at least a little bit! Jarrett tells Angle that it's over, so in response, Angle threatens Jarrett's kids. As I've said before, wrestling + kids = ULTIMATE RAGE.

We now cut to the back and see that Kong and Saed have destroyed Roxxi. I like Roxxi as much as the next person, but really, she got what was coming to her after that horrible promo from a few weeks back. Lauren then talks about Roxxi being hurt and how she was bleeding from the back of her neck.....

Matt Morgan & Abyss vs. Team 3D vs. LAX vs. Tanahashi & Volodor; 4 Team Ladder Match for the Number One Contendership to the Tag Titles

As I always say, the less Matt Morgan, the better. Keep the all-powerful Morgan and his high quality DNA far away from this ring for a large portion of this match, and it'll be good. Very good, even. Team 3D gets destroyed by Morgan and Abyss. Too much fighting to taking place for me to even try to keep track.

After a commercial break, a ladder was set up, but Hernandez tips it over and sends Morgan flying over the ropes. Oh Hernandez, you officially have my heart. Homicide hits a Faceplant off the ladder onto Devon, and went up the ladder, but Abyss catches him and hits the Shock Treatment. Brother Ray then comes in and Chokeslams Abyss. Tanahashi hits a Spinner Neckbreaker on Ray and then one on Devon as well, but then misses a Frog Splash. That allows Team 3D to hit the 3D on him. It looks as if they're about to win, but here comes Beer Money, who attack them.

Abyss comes back in the ring. Please God, no. No one is there to stop him. I'm begging you, please don't let this happen. He climbs up the ladder. Good God, I don't deserve this. Abyss grabs the contract for the win. God dammit.

Winners: Abyss and Epic Failure Morgan

Mick Foley makes his way down to the entrance ramp. He wants to speak to AJ Styles. And this being TNA, instead of bringing down AJ, we get a promo for Suicide. Why must they do this Kaz? There was nothing wrong with Kaz aside from TNA's crappy booking.

Foley's down to the ring at this point and introduces Styles. The crowd is seriously behind Styles. Excuse me while I express my extreme rage: YOU CANNOT BE ON BOTH SIDES, YOU IDIOTS! YOU EITHER ARE ON STING'S SIDE AND THE REST OF THE MEM OR YOU'RE ON THE TNA ORIGINALS' SIDE! PICK ONE. Foley talks about Styles being an unknown before TNA and how Raven has a huge amount of respect for Styles.

Foley said that it's time for his issues with Sting to come to an end. Styles is the "President Elect" of TNA. Sting now joins us in an attempt to tease me. See, whenever he comes out, he's secretly saying to me "change the channel, change the channel, change the channel..." And right when I'm about to he goes "HAHA YOU CAN'T!" At least that's what goes on in my mind.

Sting says that the younger talent want to be "fed with a silver spoon." Sting then says in time, Foley will be treated with as much disrespect as Sting. No he won't. Mick Foley's sole purpose in life isn't to annoy us so much that we're ready to stick coat hangers in our ears just so we don't have to listen to him. Sting now flips out on Styles for disrespecting him. Give it up. Sting screams about AJ's dad and son, and I'm not even listening to him anymore.......really.

Lauren is with Taylor Wilde in the back talking about the attack on Roxxi. Wilde seems like she'd be genuinely upset if she wasn't such a bad actress. Wilde then walks right into Rhaka Khan, who offers her services to help out Wilde....

Awesome Kong & Raesha Saed vs. Taylor Wilde & Rhaka Khan

Wilde starts off with a bunch of kicks and a Leg Lariat, but Kong hits her with a Clothesline. Saed gets in now, and WIlde hits a Flying Arm Drag on her, followed by a Flying Headscissors. Saed got Wilde into a Scoop Slam and then a Downward Spiral Elbow. Kong gets back in again and throws Taylor across the ring by her hair. Wilde is able to get the tag to Rhaka Khan.

Kong and Khan (kinda cool to say... you should try it) have a little stare down in the middle of the ring. Khan then turns around and grabs Wilde by the throat. and hits the Uranage. SWEEEERVE.....can just imagine how happy Russo must be right now in his office, laughing hysterically and practically falling out of his chair. Kong takes out Wilde with the Implant Buster.

Winners: Awesome Kong, Raesha Saed, and Rhaka Khan(?)

JB is with Old man Nash now. He wants to know if he's ready for Joe. Nash fires back with a line that is so full of comedy, I feel as if any joke I made would be horrible in comparison. Joe offended Scott Hall a year ago, and because of that and ONLY because of that, Nash trained so hard to get revenge. Holy hell....that's great.

*Mike Tenay talked with Sheik Abdul Bashir. He says how after 9/11, his life changed forever. He loves America, but hates Americans. That's not what you said a few weeks ago, Bashir. Tenay then makes some douche comments, so Bashir gets all up in his face (did I just say that?) and got ready to attack him. Unfortunately, Tenay has security drag him away.....

We not get a rundown for the card for Turning Point, which in itself looks to be good, but taking in the angles these matches are built around and outside interference and every other thing that can and will go wrong, I'm not sure it's worth the money......

Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle & Sting vs. Jay Lethal, C.Creed & Eric Young

I'm not going to lie, I liked Eric Young better when he was made a joke out of.

Comedy is good in angles like this, and unfortunately, the only comedy we receive is seeing Scott Steiner in a suit.

Angle hits a European Uppercut on Lethal, but Lethal comes back with a Cartwheel Dropkick. Kevin Nash tags in and works on Lethal's neck, eventually hitting a Backbreaker, before he completely collapses and needs to be carted out of the arena, never to return again. That's a lie. But how awesome would that be?

Sting tags in and hits a bunch of kicks on Lethal. Angle and Sting keep tagging in and out to work over Jay Lethal even more. Lethal is finally able to tag out to Eric Young. Young goes for a Spicoli Driver on Sting, but Angle jumps in and takes Young down. Angle goes for the Ankle Lock, but Young goes for another Spicoli Driver. And now I wonder, where exactly is Consequences Creed? Angle avoids the second Spicoli Driver and locks in the Ankle Lock, but Young tags in Creed. Creed takes Nash out with a Superkick and hits a Rolling Clothesline on Angle. The match breaks down at this point, but Angle finishes Creed with an Angle Slam.

Winners: Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, and Sting.

This felt like a totally glorified squash match to me. It could be my total disdain for the MEM talking, or it could be the truth. Whichever, really.

Lauren is with Rhino, talking about his feud with Bashir. He's not fighting for the title, he's fighting to shut up Bashir. Since when does Rhino scream "patriotism"? Never. That's when. He also threatens to Gore Lauren. Why...? She may the only female interviewer who doesn't drive me absolutely insane.

Scott Steiner vs. Samoa Joe

Scott and Joe fight before the bell even rings. Joe hits a bunch of Knife Edge Chops and fists, and Steiner hits a hard knee. Joe hits an Enziguri, and a Snap Mare to send Steiner to the mat. Joe then hits a Kneedrop and locks in the Clutch, but Steiner uses a Low Blow to get out of it. Has no one else ever thought of that before? Seriously?

Scott gains control with a few Knife Edge Chops and an Over Head Belly to Belly Suplex. He locks in a Rear Chin Lock and a Steinerline. Steiner proceeds to be even more of a jackass (hence my jackass of the week) and does a bunch of pushups in the middle of the ring.

After the break, Joe hits a Bit Boot and a Senton Backsplash. Old man F'ing Nash comes down to the ring. Joe sees him and tries to attack, but the distraction allows Steiner to jump Joe from behind. Joe hits a Suicide Dive through the ropes and catches Nash with it. Steiner pulls out a pair of brass knuckles and knocks Joe out for the win.

Winner: Scott Steiner

Way to make Samoa Joe look worthy of his position, TNA. You guys seriously couldn't even let Steiner win cleanly and make Joe look a little bit better?

After the bell, Nash beats on Joe until Styles shows up with a chair. Kurt Angle is out and starts clapping for all the destruction... yet again... for the third week in a row. Impact ends with the MEM celebrating.

READERS CORNER

If anybody’s got anything they would liked talked about in the article.......pm me in game (and Il put them in the article along with your name....I’m also going to start a Comment review...where the best comments/topics make it into my article. Its a chance to become.....famous I guess? I’ll make you famous......

The Lo'Down

Okay, so I know I said I'd have some hope for this, but all hope has been lost. TNA has created the second coming of the NWO and there's no way this will do them any good. No matter who goes over at this point, the results will be bad. So bad. The TNA Originals look too weak, and having them go over the Mafia will then make the Mafia look too weak. All talk, but no action, so to speak. Having the Mafia continue to go over, will make the Originals look even worse and would make many fans question why TNA would even let Joe win the title to begin with, let alone employ any of them. Dammit, I just went off on a totally unnecessary tangent. But hey, at least I won't have 10 more people ask me what I "really" think of the MEM this week. Like I'd lie in all these recaps and but then suddenly tell them the truth when only one person would be able to read it, like it's a deep, dark secret. I'm done.

Til next Time, I’m Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Carlton Leach

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Comments

Comment #1

Yes. I know there's two of them. It's not Carlton's fault. No, I can't delete them.

Posted by Glide on Sunday, November 16, 2008
Comment #2

wow this is fair and balance writing? you trash tna for bad things? what about the wwe? you wrote good but damn dude if you dont like tna dont watch it. and ask someone who does to wrote the comments for it because you suck on this.

Posted by jonathan garza on Monday, November 17, 2008
Comment #3

ok look, i belive the Main Event Mafia is a good way to draw heat and money espacilly with Foley helping the young guys, Foley is a money producer, its good to see that, i think he should get in the ring once in awhile. TNA is not as bad as u think it is its not as melodramatic as the WWE, i mean HHH as champ again oh how creative those out of date creative team wwe has, they draw on fueds that dont need to go on, i.e Noble vs. Regal or Noble vs. Palumbo, thats sad that they think Noble is any good, youre prolly a Noble fan arn't u Carlton? stop being a mark, its fair to make fun of both WWE and TNA, because WWE is far from perfect. STOP TALKING SMACK ABOUT STUFF YOU DONT KNOW!

Posted by Collective Soul on Sunday, November 16, 2008
Comment #4

Once again... Your writing is fine but your obvious loathing of TNA ruins the article. And your a week behind on your TNA watching in case you didn't notice...

Posted by Asgard on Sunday, November 16, 2008
Comment #5

The pic on top is dated. Good writing though. :)

Posted by Khaos King on Monday, November 17, 2008
Comment #6

Am I the only one that noticed that he is a week behind this was the Impact from Nov. 6.. Sting Beat Lethal for Tna Title Eric won the TNA X Division Title this past Thursday...

Posted by Brg on Monday, November 17, 2008
Comment #7

I still suck

Posted by TNA on Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Comment #8

Jane Ross you said you were busy how did you have the time to write that out and I'd prefer ross to carlton

Posted by Guslightning on Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Comment #9

No idea why my post got deleted... I wasn't as offensive and didn't swear as much as the actual article itself after all. Anyway... I had time to write that out because I'm quick at typing and it was the end of the day anyway. I am busy in general, from day-to-day. This article, though, just got to me enough to make me type something that length about it.

Posted by Jane Ross on Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Alone in the Impact Zone 11/6/08

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