Alone in the Impact Zone: 12/11

Welcome everyone, once again, to my Impact Rundown. I know, I know, I've been slacking. As for Final Resolution, the only thing left to say is, thank God that Christy Hemme didn't win. Tonight's show is called "Angle gets Jarrett...It's real...It's damn real". How about instead of giving us an entire novel, you settle on a simple title next time?

Show starts with the Main Event Mafia making their way down to the ring. I've been watching the same episode of Impact for over a month. Kurt Angle gets on the microphone and talks about him getting Jarrett at Genesis. He left WWE to help TNA (because they need all the help they can possibly get), and now, Jeff Jarrett is jealous of him. Kurt hates Jarrett more than he hates Vince McMahon. This name dropping is killing me.

AJ Styles cuts Angle short now. He warns Angle that Jeff will make an example out of him at Genesis. Styles then turns to Sting. He tells him he can't talk about respect if he takes cheap wins like he did at Final Resolution. Oh, burn. Maybe that will FINALLY make these Impact Zone idiots turn on Sting? Of course not.

Kurt tells Styles to shut up, and invites him to come to the ring. Styles will only come if the rest of the MEM leaves. This is dragging. Styles comes down and screams at Sting, so in response, Sting attacks. They fight until the MEM destroy Styles together and leaves. Angle swears that a member of Team Ecstasy will be eliminated tonight.

-In the back, Jeremy Borash is with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Why are these two always together? Do I sense a strange "partnership" of sorts? Jeff says he's back as a wrestler. Oh joy. Also, he says Mick needs to step the hell up before he just cancels this whole angle, and goes in the ring to yell "I WAS GOING TO SAVE THE DAY, ANYWAY~!!! YOU DON'T NEED THIS CRAPPY ANGLE, JUST WATCH ME WRESTLE AND TALK WITH MY UNNECESSARY GUITAR AND WOMANLY SHIRTS UNTIL MY GIANT EGO STEALS YOUR SOUL!!" Well, he did kind of tell Foley to step up... Foley has something planned tonight for the MEM.

West and Tenay go over this tournament that's apparently taking place for the X Division title, or as it probably should be known as at this point, Midcard Hell Title. This is only taking place because Sheik Abdul Bashir had the title confiscated from him after he went all medieval on Crazy Referee's ass. Yep.

Lauren is with the Motor City Machine Guns in the back, where she says that they're both huge targets. Shelley is pissed off about being attacked by a video game character dressed in what could be, the most ridiculous outfit to ever be inside a wrestling ring. Also, he got ripped off in Feast of Fired. Alex Shelley as TNA champ. I like the sounds of it, but I hate the chances (or lack thereof).

X-Division Tournament; Eric Young vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir

If you haven't gotten used to me half-assing the matches in these recaps yet, after this week, you should all be totally accustomed to it. Eric Young gets the early advantage and goes for a few quick pin attempts. Bashir though, is able to turn the match in his favor with a Headlock. He goes for a high risk move, but catches Young's boot instead. Young then hits a Death Valley Driver, but then misses a top rope Elbow Drop. Bashir gets in a little shoving match with Earl Hebner (now seriously, what's up with this guy and referees? Why all the hostility?), so Young picks up the win with a Bridging Suplex.

Winner: Eric Young

Lauren is in the locker room of the TNA Originals. Why can girls so easily get into the guy's locker rooms, but once a guy tries to get into a girl's he's a freak and has security called on him? Just a thought. Anyway, Ray says the Originals need to go after the MEM. Really? I never would have figured that one out considering it's the basis for the ENTIRE ANGLE. He is going to make Kurt an offer that he can't refuse.

-Jeremy Borash is trying and failing at shilling out TNA Mobile. All of a sudden, Mick Foley walks out of the MEM's locker room and says that they're a good group of guys. I stand by my prediction of a Foley heel turn in the near future.

-Lauren is with The Average People and their horrible Sarah Palin impersonator. Fake Palin wants to give them makeovers. Just what Angelina Love needs.

Promo airs for a new guy, Brutus Magnus. Just when you thought things couldn't get any more ridiculous in TNA....

Alex Shelley w/ Chris Sabin vs. Jay Lethal; X Division Tournament

I can totally get used to matches with this level of awesomeness. Too bad this is TNA we're talking about, where awesomeness will always be short lived if Sting or Jeff Jarrett have something to say. New tag line? I think so. Anyway, Shelley attacks Lethal before he even gets his jacket off. Lethal fights back, and is able to pick up a two count. Lethal heads up to the top rope, but Chris Sabin distracts him, and Shelley gets control again with an Over-the-Shoulder Piledriver to pick up the win. No way!?

Winner: Alex Shelley

Shelley and Sabin decide to talk to Mick Foley. They blame him for "screwing the Guns," and Sabin demands the tag title shot briefcase. Please, please, please let this happen.

The lights suddenly go out and Suicide comes down on a zip line. Hahaha, how bloody ridiculous can this guy possibly be? So ridiculous that you can't even comprehend it fully. He took down both Sabin and Shelley and absolutely destroys them both. Even when there is one really small good thing going in the world of Alex Shelley, TNA has to ruin it with vibrant clashing colors and horribly blasé ring entrances.

Lauren talks with Abyss about his upcoming Vince Russo creation, a Beer Bottle on a Pole match against James Storm. SUPER DNA talks with him about falling into Beer Money's trap every single week, and Abyss starts talking about Family Guy? THIS ISN'T ENTERTAINING AT ALL.

Rough Cuts with James Storm. He's so awesome. This just gave me more reasons to think he is so awesome. Thanks for that, TNA.

James Storm w/ Robert Roode and Jacqueline vs. Abyss w/ THE BLUEPRINT OF GENETIC PERFECTION;Beer Bottle on a Pole match (no, seriously. I'm not kidding).

They actually hung a bucket full of ice and beer from a pole. What the hell? As soon as the bell rings, Storm goes for the bottle, but Abyss pulls him down and slams him to the mat. He then tosses Storm to the floor where they fight in the crowd. Storm grabs a chair, but Abyss punches it into his face and goes back into the ring.

Abyss climbs up to get the bottle, but Storm kicks him down, and hits a Superkick before grabbing the bottle. He takes a few sips, and Abyss takes him down with a Black Hole Slam. Abyss once again picks up the bottle, but Jacqueline takes it away. SUPER DNA stops her, but Robert Roode hits a Low Blow on him. Roode then hits Abyss with a chair and Storm picks up the win. You know how sometimes, you can watch a person, or a group of people, go from being the most entertaining people on your show to a sad, sad comedy act and shell of their former selves? Tell Beer Money I feel their pain.

Winner: James Storm

Beer Money beats down on Abyss after the bell. SUPER DNA comes in and takes out Beer Money. Just as Roode is about to get stuck in the Hell-a-Vator, (see what I did there? No?) Storm cracks him in the skull with a beer bottle. Abyss comes in with a chair and cleans house. Security and a random doctor go to check on SUPER DNA, but Abyss pushes them all away. Clearly, Abyss knows that when your DNA provides you special healing powers, no doctors are necessary. Clearly.

-Borash is talking with Sting the rest of the MEM. He wants to know Sting's thoughts on Styles's comments. Nash interrupts and tells Sting he did what he had to do, and then he accuses Borash of being a member of the TNA Originals. It makes sense though. If I were a member of the Originals, judging by their success thus far only, I would want to keep my identity secret.

In the ring, Brother Ray is out and tells Angle that he's alone. He asks Kurt to come out alone, and Kurt asks the rest of the MEM to wait in the back.

So, Kurt makes his way out and Ray tells him that there is a potential for bloodshed, broken bones, and career ending situations. Sounds like my kind of party! The TNA Originals won't sleep until they rid TNA of the MEM. He then challenges Angle to a match, where both the Originals and the MEM would leave the building so it could be one-on-one.

The Originals didn't want to leave Ray (because they are all aware of their less than impressive track record against the MEM). Samoa Joe thinks there will be a sneak attack. Wow. What a smart man. Eventually, all the members of the Originals leave the building.

In the MEM's locker room, Angle also asks all the members to leave. Nash offers a steak after the match for Angle. It's not even funny. Nothing in this storyline is funny. Booker is worried about what could go down, but eventually, they all "leave" too.

Cut to the ring where all the rules for Feast or Fired are reviewed. Jay Lethal won the Tag Title Match, but he's not important enough to be involved in this ceremony(?) I guess. Curry Man, Homicide and Hernandez are though, so they are all out in the ring with Borash.

We start off with Hernandez. I'll try to make this as suspenseful as possible, even though the results are so painfully obvious. Slowly Borash opens his briefcase................very slowly.................what could it be? Hernandez gets a World Title shot. Nice. Really nice, actually.

Time for Homicide and Curry Man. Curry Man's case gets opened next. And Curry Man is......... fired. How surprising! Some really bad comedy act follows, where Curry Man, being the 100% totally Japanese man that his, thinks he actually won the title shot. Homicide gets an X Division shot though, and that is something I cannot complain about.

Sojournor Bolt vs. Christy Hemme

(Not So) Fun Fact: It took me 9 tries to spell Bolt's first name correctly. Christy locks Bolt in a Leg Scissors and a Hammerlock, but Bolt hits a Snapmare and a Dropkick. Bolt then attempts a Clothesline, but Christy dodges it and counters a Powerbomb attempt into a roll up for the win. This Bolt girl seems pretty good, but in all seriousness, the hell is up with that hair?

Winner: Christy Hemme

After the match, Christy hugs Bolt, but Bolt attacks Hemme with a Slap. What a bad sport. It goes with her bad hair. Burn. Hemme hits a Thesz Press and referees jump in to separate them. Okay, so really, Christy is getting slightly better. But still absolutely no where near good enough to be the head face of the Knockout's division. But to go with traditions, another Christy Hemme Pic shall we,,,?

Lauren is with Curry Man now. He still can't grasp that it's time to put away the plastic curry plate, and time to pull back out the black face paint. I miss me some Fallen Angel. Security drags him away while TNA airs a really lame goodbye video. It actually ends with "Curry Man 2008-2008 We Barely Knew Thee". Someone out there (Russo) seriously thought that was a good idea (Russo).

Brother Ray vs. Kurt Angle

Angle doesn't come out for his entrance, and instead attacks Ray from behind. Angle is basically destroying him, but Ray finally comes back with a few Clotheslines. He then gives Angle a release German Suplex and sends him to the floor. Brother Ray follows him out and sends him into the railing. Ray sets Angle up next to the entrance ramp, and charges at him, but Angle sidesteps it, and Ray goes through the wall. And now, we head to commercials.

Back, and Ray is a bloody mess. It makes me upset that all the really violent scenes always happen during commercials with no instant replays. Either way though, Ray still has the advantage. The referee, noticing how much blood Ray has lost, ends the match, but the two keep fighting out to the parking lot. Ray sends Angle into a production truck and then throws him into some catering tables.

Security now comes, but Ray knocks them down and tells Angle that if he didn't have a wife (not anymore?) and some kids, he would end his career right now. Angle begs Ray to stop and tells him that he's no longer with the MEM. Um, obvious BS.

Winner: No Contest

All of a sudden, the rest of the MEM show up with various weapons. They practically kill Ray with them, as Sting looks on, and then walks away.Seriously? Why is Sting so against being a heel? The MEM toss Ray into a dumpster and after, Angle tells him that no one messes with the MEM. Back to the old ways, I see.

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: MATT MORGAN

READERS CORNER: This Week: A Jane Ross Special

Comment # 1

Okay. You are the most illogical person, seriously. PLEASE can you hand over these report duties you're SO loathe to fulfill to somebody else! ANYBODY! Whoever is next in line. I don't care if they're humourless and can't write for toffee. Or maybe even just stop calling it a report. Because it's not a report, it's a rant. And I seriously do wonder if all these people saying you rock are just one person, who possibly might be yourself. IF YOU HATE IT, THEN STOP DOING IT, STUPID. Pass it to the next person, write about something else - problem solved. Please consider this. I am seriously pissed off at some armchair hatemonger spewing garbage about a bunch of people who've actually done something with their lives.

Posted by Jane Ross on Friday, December 12, 2008

First off, the people who like me, why you having a go at them? Thats their choice...and you should understand that unless you grew up in Nazi Germany which I very much doubht. Im not a "hatemonger"...I love TNA with all my heart....but the product they are putting out right now is crap and me, I tell it how I see it. And what would you know about my life? NOTHING. So dont ever comment with regards to that again.

Comment # 2

Heck you're all just WWE sheep anyway. I'm not a TNA sheep, I don't think everything they do is right. I just don't like watching some bully stomp something into the ground over and over again for no apparent reason.

Posted by Jane Ross on Saturday, December 13, 2008

You know what you need? To be taken out for a night. Your having a go at everybody. Relaxation. I suggest you try it sometime.

Comment # 22

Botac you're right, I'm not achieving anything here. Gonna leave the sheep feed for the sheep. Treat it like a heel interview, or something. Clearly unrealistic, and nothing that actually matters either. I got too upset over this because of a bit of fragility over other stuff that's nothing to do with it. I know TNA puts out a reasonably good show and so does everybody who watches it every week. I must say the unprofessionalism of being constantly around two weeks late did kinda get to me too. If Carlton has his fans then he has his fans though. It'll just be another one of those things I simply don't get. I'm outta these comment pages from now on. Y'all else enjoy!

Posted by Jane Ross on Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Good Riddance

REMEMBER....The best 3 comments make it into my article. Its a chance to get your name in my article. Woo friggin hoo.

Til next Time, Im Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Carlton Leach

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

if you truely like TNA why dont you add a postive twist here and there in your artical?
P.S Jane is gone im not

Posted by Collective Soul on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #2

kinda silly how MEM can show up but not the originals, or REYS BROTHER for that matter! but whatever....

Posted by R.U.Sty on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #3

Thank God someone knows how stupid TNA is. The MEM angle is just an nWo rip off without anything all that interresting. If it wasn't for Kevin Nash (Or at least the memory of Diesle) I would not be watching.

P.S. TNA should have really be called WCW Jr.

Posted by C on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #4

P.P.S. I'm a WWE fan Myself. (HE He He he HE)

Posted by C on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #5

dont you mean tna is wcw jr, they do the same crap storylines and vince russo wcws fall guy is there = wcw jr.

Posted by crazydude on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #6

nice article, but why is it always so delayed?

Posted by sealeman on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #7

Speaking of Christopher Daniels, I haven't seen him in a while. WHERE IS HE?!?!?!? jeez, TNA used to be good when he and Styles were tag champs. But, TNA has better wrestlers (well, Diva's anyway) than WWE so it's good to watch. BUT WHY THE DUMB STORYLINES?!?

Posted by Lord Satan on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #8

Here is a theory:
Suicide = Kaz who once again is injured for another SIX MONTHS. This will just destroy Suicide's character won't it? Umm... No. Think about it, who's just 'left', who's used to wrestling behind a mask (or has been for a decent time). Yes, I'm thinking, The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels. Maybe at one stage they could unmask Suicide and has Daniels return to his immortal self.

Posted by Sean Ryker on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #9

I actually like your articles but could you put reviews of the matches in your view at the end?

Posted by Croc on Saturday, December 20, 2008
Comment #10

How does one post a report here. I was hoping to post a few opinons myself. Thanks

C

Posted by C on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #11

Comment 7 here is the answer to your question. VINCE RUSSO. And if Chris Daniels comes back it would make things interesting especially if he sides with the frontline.

Posted by Tru Reazon on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #12

You know, i'm an advid TNA fan. i believe in some ways they blow away WWE, such as in there X division as opposed to the cruserweights who no longer exist. But TNA makes some things way to predictable. Like the latest cage match. AJ Styles climbs out the cage for the win, leaving Joe inside with Sting and Nash. Anyone wanna guess what happens nxt? Joe is gettin doubled teamed and Nash destroys styles with the door. eventually the entire MEM comes in and destroys Joe. Way to predictable. Anyway, thats just my little rant on it. Im pro TNA!

Posted by Brian "Dynasty" Dynamite on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #13

I don't get you people.. Do you really (and still) think that Mr Carlton ( I asume that Mr) hate TNA?..pff.. so why he even bothers wathing and writing about it?
Anyway, I liked how did the "fist or flames" ended,hell kind of impressed, Hernandezz World Titile shot !
Suicide entrance..... very lame.... i loved how sting entered the ring in nwo/wcw era (the whole rope thing), quick and bit suprasing.. but suicide...hell, it mmg can see him about 20 seconds before he gets into the ring..!?!?.... i would prefer something more suspicious...than a circus actor..

still love TNA

Posted by Bloodbath on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #14

Did you predict Joe owning the entire MEM before they beat down on him?? Even tough Joe ended up getting his ass kicked he still looked good just easily taking down the entire MEM.

Posted by The Domiantor on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #15

Another pointless useless article, but hey, at least you're only one week behind now.

Posted by Alex Kiseragi on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #16

Jane Ross just got BURRRRRRNED

Posted by man of men on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #17

I miss the WWF Attitude era, why do we have to put Total No Action and the new Worl Wussy Entertainment.

Posted by The Paco on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #18

Lord Satan, Curryman is Christopher Daniels, theres a chance he'll do suicide, or come back as The Fallen Angel

Posted by Collective Soul on Sunday, December 21, 2008
Comment #19

Total No Action really, really no action at least its not politics like wwe, and i agree with the fact that wwe guys no a days are wussies because of what mcmahon wants.

Posted by Collective Soul on Monday, December 22, 2008
Comment #20

TNA sucks. that is why i stopped watching it. i read these articles to check in on all the crappy storylines that are going on and after reading this i am not disappointed. keep up the creativity TNA!(sarcasm)

Posted by vandaminator on Saturday, December 27, 2008
Comment #21

YouTube comment that is pretty true

brandonbk12 (2 weeks ago) Show Hide -1 Marked as spam Reply TNA=
Talent
Not
Available

Posted by Akahana Xandre on Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Alone in the Impact Zone: 12/11

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

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