Alone in the Impact Zone: 12/25

Welcome back to my whatever it is by noweth edition of the Alone in the Impact Zone Report. Since Christmas just passed and Hanukkah is practically over, this is where I wish you all a very late happy holidays. You'll have to excuse me for this week, as I've been going back and forth to at least 7 different and all equally unnecessary family affair sort of things, so this is going to be taking the words "half assed" to a whole new level. I'll say this much though - I haven't not enjoyed any wrestling show I've watched this week, so this should be interesting.

Tonight's show is called A Hit with Style? which foreshadows that good things are about to happen. I'm seriously hoping I'm right. I'd hate for TNA to be the ones to break the chain of good wrestling that has been around this week. My overbearingly negative mind tells me not to get my hopes up, though.

Mick Foley starts us off, and wishes everyone happy holidays. An Impact that doesn't start with the Main Event Mafia? I like it. He's back to his old message-delivering ways, because he has another one for us tonight. If the Main Event Mafia holds anymore GANGBANGS, he will personally involve himself. He then says that the bloodshed will stop tonight, and the MEM's music cuts him off.

Kurt Angle says that there is a misunderstanding because the MEM were the victims last week. He mentions how Sting and Nash were forced into the cage match last week, and Styles left Joe, and Joe just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That last statement technically negates his whole argument of the MEM being victims. But since Angle is cutting an awesome promo right now (which will soon turn into a theme tonight) I' ;m willing to forgive and forget. Foley says he doesn't want to put Nash, Booker or Steiner into any matches at Genesis, because they will probably put a hit out on their opponents. The God damn Mafia slang. I can't take it. Tonight is all about contradictions though, because Foley doesn't seem to mind making a double main event tonight~!!!! (Forced excitement.) Booker T and Scott Steiner will take on Brother Devon and AJ Styles, and Angle will face Rhino with Jeff Jarrett watching on the outside. Is there a reason Jarrett needs to be stalking the ringside area? We see enough of him throughout the night as is, we don't need more Jeff Jarrett.

-Jeremy Borash is in Rhino's locker room now. I swear to God, he mentions ECW and I will go to Orlando and do some bad, illegal things. He is going to punish Angle like an animal tonight while Jeff Jarrett watches. Who knew Rhino was the white Michael Vick? He says tonight isn't about winning, it's about getting revenge for Petey Williams, Brother Ray, and Samoa Joe. And yet another surprise, Rhino isn't putting himself before the REST OF THE PLANET. And no mention of any Gores? What the hell, TNA? What the hell?

Kiyoshi vs. Chris Sabin; X Division Tournament Semi-Final Match

Crazy Ref Shane Sewell is apparently off his suspension because he is refereeing this match. That was the shortest suspension. Ever. And you can expect Bashir to make his presence known any second now. The match starts with some back and worth action, and whaddaya know? Here comes Bashir. He pulls up a chair and watches on the ramp as Kiyoshi hits some kicks and a Headlock. Sabin turns the pace by nailing him with a Hesitation Dropkick. Chris Sabin has to win this match. Shelley vs. Sabin= X Division greatness. He then picks up a near fall with a Tornado DDT. Kiyoshi takes control with a kick to Sabin's chest. Kiyoshi misses and a Moonsault, and Sabin hits the Cradle Shock for the win. This was a really good match. No lie.

Winner: Chris Sabin

After the match, Sheik Abdul Bashir walks down the ring and stands face-to-face with Sewell. Bashir slaps him and shoves him a few times, but Sewell can't do anything about it or else his crazy ass will be fired. Sewell "Hulks Up" and rips his ref shirt off, and all of a sudden, the lights go out. Suicide comes flying down the ring (with zip line assistance) and gives Bashir a Dropkick that knocks him out of the ring before leaving. Suicide is so useless. And that ridiculous costume. I'm never going to get over that costume. That costume will haunt my dreams for eternity.

-In the parking lot, Lauren is with Velvet Sky and Angelina Love, and of course, Fake Sarah Palin. The election is over. Why is she still here? There are a bunch of fans outside and Love calls them all "dirty, disgusting marks". You know, The Beautiful People aren't anywhere near as annoying as they used to be, and I for one, am thankful for that, because I actually do want to like Angelina Love. She's too talented for me to despise. Fake Palin calls the fans American people, and pushes Love and Sky into the crowd so they can meet them.

Time for a pre-tapped interview. This one is between Mikey Tenay and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says that he handpicked Kurt Angle to take his place in TNA and carry the company. That's bull and Jarrett has to know it. Tenay mentions some of the comments Angle made towards Jarrett's family, and Jarrett says Angle is a different guy now, and it turns his stomach. Losing is not an option for Jarrett or his family at Genesis. To be fair, I'm starting to not hate this so much. This segment was pretty damn convincing. I even believed that there were real, serious personal issues between the two of them. Once again, I ask, what the hell, TNA? What the hell?

Kurt Angle comes down the broadcast table and says he has no sympathy for Jarrett or his children. Why is it that Kurt Angle constantly involves himself with grown men and their children? There is definitely something wrong with that picture. Angle promises bloodshed and that he will hurt Jeff Jarrett tonight. I can put how convincing all this is aside, I'd still love to see some injured Jeff Jarrett. Angle is bringing Sting with him tonight. As long as he stands still and doesn't do a god damn thing, I won't complain.

-Rough Cuts with Beer Money airs. They give their thoughts on Beer Money. Storm says Beer Money is completely different than America's Most Wanted. Obviously. Robert Roode never went to WWE looking like a damn hot air balloon, before trying to get his old job back. They both think they're the best tag team today, and I may just have to agree with that statement.

-Lauren is in the back with Abyss and SUPER DNA. Abyss starts talking but SUPER DNA cuts him off. According to him, he has heard enough. And when SUPER DNA has heard enough, you shut the hell up because he can do things with that DNA of his that can seriously mess you up. He then chases Lauren away. He says that the games are done, and at Genesis, it will be the final act between them and Beer Money. Angry Matt Morgan sounds just like happy Matt Morgan. It's called charisma, and he doesn't have it. But in all fairness, this is way better than any other Morgan promo I have ever heard, so for that, I applaud him.

-Jeremy Borash is in the Originals locker room with AJ Styles and Devon. He wants to know how Joe is and also about their match tonight. Promo awesomeness ensues. And by awesomeness, I mean a seriously 100% totally shockingly amazing promo. Styles says that Joe was informed before his match that his wife was in labour, and after the match, Joe had a fractured arm. He will have to hold his child for the first time with a sling on his arm. Style s goes ape and starts punching furniture and tells the MEM to come after him. Devon says that in 15 years, he has never seen Ray second guess himself and he may never come back mentally. The MEM unleashed something in him that they shouldn't have. Did I not tell you that was promo awesomeness?

-Borash is now with the Motor City Machine guns, where even more promo awesomeness commences. They're celebrating Sabin's victory from earlier and Shelley talks about his match against Eric Young in two weeks. He can remember when Young was afraid of his own pyro, and doesn't understand how he can be the valiant now. It's called "no continuity", fans of TNA get used to it after a while. Alex Shelley really likes the word "furthermore". The guy must use it at least once in every promo. Eric Young comes in and is mad about Shelley not wearing his Originals t-shirt and slaps him. Of course. Only Alex Shelley deserves the violence, no one else. They get separated by Consequences Creed.

-As Tenay and West review what just happened (because we obviously aren't intelligent enough to remember something that happened 5 seconds ago), the fight comes down to the ring. Lethal and Creed keep Sabin away as Young and Shelley go at it. Sabin is finally able to pull Shelley away, but Young hits a dive through the ropes to take them both down. Lethal, Creed, and all the refs break the fight apart again. Now, this all probably doesn't seem special at all. But it was done right, and for once, I didn't mind seeing Alex Shelley get his ass kicked. This, more than anything else thus far tonight, deserves a WHAT THE HELL, TNA!?!?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?!

-Lauren is with all the face Knockouts in the back. They're all dressed up in Christmas colours and such and I’m in heaven. Traci Brooks says tonight will be the second annual Santa's Workshop Knockout Street Fight. How special. They all then scream really loud and make unnecessary noises. They're pretty obnoxious. Taylor Wilde is the worst of them all. I'm gaining new respect for Roxxi though. Girl knows how to shut her mouth and let everyone else embarrass themselves for her.

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b213/yinyangguy/Roxxi01.jpg

A video package airs that basically goes over all of the MEM's "hits". It's more Mafia lingo which pisses me off to no end. But, there has been 5 of these so-called "hits", and while 5 may not seem like much, it's actually a whole hell of a lot when you consider that after each "hit" the credibility of every Originals member drops about 4 points or so. But, at the same time, everything is staring to make sense now when it comes to this angle. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HELL!?

Scott Steiner & Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Brother Devon & AJ Styles

Wow, I'm looking forward to an Originals vs. MEM match? Seriously? Shows what a really great promo can do for a match, and for a generally disgustingly negative person. Devon takes Booker down with a Thesz Press and knocks Steiner off the apron before tagging in Styles. Booker knees Styles in the midsection and tags in Steiner who hits a bunch of chops and a T-Bone Suplex. Styles changes the pace by hitting a boot and tagging back in Dev on. Devon works over Steiner in the corner and then tags Styles back in. Styles gets pushed into the corner and Booker tags himself in and the match totally breaks down. As we go to commercials, the match is on the floor.

Once back, we're still on the outside. Booker and Devon are actually backstage. The referee rules it a no contest, and Angle and Nash attack Devon outside and handcuff him to a pole before heading back inside.

Winner: No contest

Back in the ring, Steiner is working on Styles, but Styles mounts a comeback. He also takes out Angle, Nash and Booker, but the numbers game eventually comes into play. A chair is brought in and the put Styles' arm in it. Young, Lethal and Creed run down for the save but they get decimated as well. Rhino then comes out and cleans house, before being hit by a chair from Steiner. I enjoy watching Rhino get attacked viciously with a steel chair. Let's keep this up.

Mick Foley's music now hits and he comes down the ring and does as he said he would do. He gets involved...on behalf of the Originals, including the Mandible Claw on Angle. Wow, this is awesome. Did I seriously just say something in TNA was "awesome"? As shocking as that may be, it's true. So true. And now, he puts himself into a match at Genesis with Styles and Devon to take on Booker, Steiner and Nash. And he leaves Rhino out of it too! Why is TNA rocking so hard tonight?

Sojournor Bolt, Awesome Kong, Rhaka Khan & Raisha Saeed vs. Christy Hemme, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde & ODB; Santa's Workshop Knockout Street Fight

Before the match even starts, Don West makes a horribly stupid joke that he can't seem to stop laughing at. Mike Tenay simple talks over the idiot. You show him, Tenay. Once the match starts though, Roxxi picks up a near fall on Saeed before Saeed tags in Bolt. Roxxi ta gs in ODB and she slams Bolt down and tags in Hemme. Hemme kicks Bolt a few times, and Kong comes in and puts a Nerve Pinch on her. All of Hemme's partners come in to help, but Kong destroys them all. Hemme locks a Sleeper on Kong and the match totally breaks down. Wilde jumps on a bunch of Knockouts from the top rope, while Kong and Christy battle it out in the ring still. Wilde comes back in to hit a Dropkick on Kong which sends her outside. Rhaka Khan comes in and hits Wilde from behind and knocks her down. Wilde comes from behind with a roll up for the in.

Winners: Christy Hemme, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and ODB

If you don't care about really good women's wrestling, this match is still worth viewing simply for Don West's commentary. However big of an unintelligible moron you thought of him to be before, well, this match will make it 5 times worse. And I'm thinking all of you will appreciate that as much as me.

And on a slight side note, calling Roxxi the "Hardcore Knockout" is total bull. I don't think I've ever seen someone so downright awkward in their character. And that's a shame since normal Roxxi perfectly fine.

-Brutus Magnus promo airs. He is going to be ridiculous. That is all.

Kurt Angle w/ Sting vs. Rhino w/ Jeff Jarrett

If this ends up being a good match, I will be shocked and admit that TNA has completely proved any and all opinions I have about him wrong. The action goes back and forth, but Rhino finally hits a Clothesline that sends Angle to the floor. Rhino follows out and sends Angle into the guardrail and then back into the ring. Angle hits a Shoulder Block and spits on Jarrett. I love how tasteless this whole thing truly is. Jarrett is being restrained when we cut to a break. Back, and Angle is in control, getting a few 2 counts. He hits a bunch of Shoulder Blocks in the corner and a Bear Hug. Rhino fights his way out and they both hit Clotheslines on each other. Rhino regains momentum and goes for a Gore, but Angle kicks him in the head. Angle attempts an Angle Slam, but Rhino counters it into a Spinebuster. Angle kicks out of a pin and locks on an Ankle Lock. Rhino rolls though and sends Angle to the floor where Jarrett gets all up in his face before being slapped by Angle. Serves him right. Jarrett charges at Angle, and Angle sidesteps, so Jarrett crashes into the railing. I am absolutely loving this. In the ring, Angle applies an Ankle Lock, and Jarrett enters the ring and hits a big right hand on Angle. The referee ends the match and security comes down to separate the two of them. BG James tells Angle to control himself, so Angle simply knocks him the hell out. Most hilarious main even ever? Perhaps.

Winner: No contest

Well, that's just about it for this week. Maybe it's because it's the holiday season, or maybe not, but either way, I can honestly say that I enjoyed watching Impact this week. I know. What the hell, right? It was probably a one time only miracle sort of deal, but I really hope it wasn't because when TNA is good (like tonight), they're really good. And by the end of the night, I'm now finally able to say that I understand the point of these MEM GANGBANGS and can accept them for what they're worth. I must be going insane.

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: Brutus Magnus

READERS CORNER

Comment # 1

if you truely like TNA why dont you add a postive twist here and there in your artical?
P.S Jane is gone im not

Posted by Collective Soul on Saturday, December 20, 2008

When there are positive twists to add I won’t hesitate to do so mate. As is evident from this week’s report.

Comment # 2

Thank God someone knows how stupid TNA is. The MEM angle is just an nWo rip off without anything all that interresting. If it wasn't for Kevin Nash (Or at least the memory of Diesel) I would not be watching.

P.S. TNA should have really be called WCW Jr.

Posted by C on Saturday, December 20, 2008

WCW Jr….Hmmmmm.

Comment # 3

I actually like your articles but could you put reviews of the matches in your view at the end?

Posted by Croc on Saturday, December 20, 2008

Honest answer….just couldn’t be bothered. Perhaps just by just reading the report you could rate it for yourself in your own mind but….if enough people demand it…then maybe I might start doing it.

REMEMBER....The best 3 comments make it into my article. Its a chance to get your name in my article. Woo friggin hoo.

Til next Time, Im Your Boy Carlton, and do come again.

Carlton Leach

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Comments

Comment #1

better this week i must say and yes Don West is really bad on commentary

Posted by Collective Soul on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #2

Carlton Leach being positive???

There is a God...

Posted by Grim Reaper on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #3

I'd personally at least like "good match", "bad match", "okay match" after each one.

Posted by The Glide on Thursday, January 01, 2009
Comment #4

I don't know about alliances so much, seems to take away from good wrestling in my mind. I have always been a huge fan of great tag team battles and think TNA should make more of those rivalaries, a 3 team involvement that would provide 1 face, 1 heel, and 1 neutral (so to speak) just to have some great matches (like the guns in their sync).

Posted by C,J, "The Viper" Venom on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #5

I love the MEM vs. Frontline fued. But something about it makes me think I have seen it before *COUGH* Millionare's Club *COUGH* New Blood *COUGH* LATE WCW! *COUGH*...... sorry just had something in my throat.....

Posted by Shawn Bridges on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #6

Dude seriously... you gotta make it more interesting... its so boring

Posted by Roman Synn on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #7

Bah iv read better... just quit while ur at it

Posted by Jaoa on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #8

Booo you stink! i cant believe i wasted 2 mins of my life scrolling/reading thru this

Posted by Fields on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #9

I agree with above man

Posted by Comment # 8 on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #10

need more sexier pics and be a bit more skillful

Posted by Need better pics on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #11

been a long time since iv rated anything and ur lucky to be my first one. on a scale of 1-7, i give it a -9

Posted by Vlaeghe on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #12

Review your matches

Posted by J on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Comment #13

You must hate Rhino vs Sting at Genesis.
Truth or False?

Posted by kapten memo on Saturday, January 03, 2009
Comment #14

I can speak for Carlton..

TRUE!!!

Posted by Carltons PR on Monday, January 05, 2009
Comment #15

Damn people are being harsh on this article, i enjoyed it, but yeah perhaps a small "out of ten" rating after each match would be good. Nice article 8.5/10

Posted by Georgerv on Monday, January 05, 2009
Comment #16

you know "last heart of a phighter" had 600 views your articles have like 200. Well that tells me you must be loosing some of your audence lately. Maybe it's just the holidays. Fake Palin needs to be freaken Jackknifed or powerslam or piledrivered or something. God Palin was so bad she cost McCain. TNA is just like the USA once a really cool idea now totally barren and void of any real greatness.

TNA is so bad I refused the Scholarship money they offered me to train at a TNA wrestling Facultity. When Jeff Jarrett left WWF thats when the attitude Era really took off. WCW was very successful until they added Double J then it went to hell. So anywhere Jeff Jarrett is at that company slowily loses rating and dies.

Posted by Jyhad on Monday, January 05, 2009
Comment #17

What the Hell TNA ?! :)

Posted by Bloodbath on Thursday, January 08, 2009

Alone in the Impact Zone: 12/25

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