Alone in the Impact Zone: 12/4

Your Boy Carlton Leach Presents.....

"Alone in the Impact Zone"

Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Welcome to this week's super half-assed edition of the TNA Impact Report. When I say "super half-assed", I literally mean "super half-assed." This recap will lack so much detail that you may even think it would be better to just watch the God damn show yourself. (HA! Who am I kidding?) Well anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I did. Screw the stuffing and cranberry sauce, I had Italian food. And now, it's time for "The Frontline Digs In". What a dumbass title. I know this is a week behind or whatever but before anyone starts whining let me just say....shut up about it. Tonight brings us the return of the TNA Turkey Bowl!! What? You don't remember the Turkey Bowl? You know, one guy gets a nice little prize, and one ends up dressing up like a turkey. No, I'm totally serious. Someone (cough vince russo cough) doesn't think this is suicide inducing. 

Let’s get IT STARTED!

To start us off for tonight's Thanksgiving festivities, we get Rhino and the rest of the TNA Originals, who are now officially The TNA Frontline. Say that over and over again in your head. I guarantee you that it doesn't sound any less stupid the 56th time as it did the first. Rhino gives another self-glorifying and erroneous speech about how he built up ECW and now he wants to do the same for TNA. I'd say this is pretty inspirational. I would, if it wasn't total bullcrap. Rhino makes it way through the crowd like a total douchebag before making his way back in the ring. He swears that he will end Kurt Angle's run in TNA. Keep telling yourself that, maybe you'll believe it.

This brings out the Main Event Mafia. Kurt asks Rhino is hes delusional. No Kurt, this man is not delusional. He's just hopelessly clinging onto his past. Leave him be. Kurt says he will destroy Rhino to get to Jeff Jarrett at Genesis. Rhino tells Kurt Angle to kiss his ass, which in all honesty, is pretty revolting. Scott Steiner holds Angle back. -In the back, JB is with the MEM. Borash tells Angle that Jarrett has made Foley the special enforcer for Kurt vs. Rhino at Final Resolution. Of course.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Mick-foley-at-signing.jpg  

Turkey Bowl Semi-Final: Rhino vs. Hernandez vs. Sonjay Dutt

Time for the half-assing! Get over it. It's a one week deal. Hernandez hits a Back Breaker on Sonjay before ripping off his shirt and throwing it across the ring for no real reason. Rhino hits a Shoulder Block on Hernandez which takes him outside the ring. Sonjay does a Go-Behind and pushes Rhino which leads to him getting a Shoulder Block from Hernandez. Sonjay hits a Hurricanrana on Hernandez. Hernandez then hits a huge Dropkick onto Rhino, and Sonjay hits an Enziguri on Hernandez. Rhino eventually hits a Belly-to-Belly and the Gore to pick up the win.
Winner: Rhino

A video piece about Jarrett and the start of TNA plays. Jeff Jarrett needs to get the hell over himself. In his office, Jarrett is arguing with Angle. Angle is pissed about Foley being the special enforcer. It's a simple concept really. Stack the odds against Angle so some idiot fans believe that he stands NO CHANCE IN HELL against Rhino, when really, he's winning it. Jarrett says this was done to even the playing field. Hey Jarrett, the playing field would never not be even if you'd just ban the MEM from ringside, idiot. Kurt says he'll have someone watching his back at Final Resolution. Im gonna take a wild guess and say its Jack Bauer.  

http://thoughtfulconservative.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/jack-bauer.jpg

 

You never know.

-Lauren is in the back with all the TNA Originals. I'd call them the TNA Frontline, but I really am doing fine without lowering myself to that level. The fact that Rhino is even in this group makes me pray that the MEM starts to kick their ass 50 times worse. I know that's totally hypocritical, but it's Rhino. The whole groups walks into Team 3D. Devon says they're being massacred. Really? You mean those constant brutal beat downs aren't a friendship offering? Who would have known? Rhino goes onto mention how TNA and ECW are similar. You're forgetting one thing though, TNA sucks and is painful to watch, ECW, on the other hand, was awesome. They want 3D to join them, and need an answer by the end of the show. 

Turkey Bowl Qualifying Match: Alex Shelley vs. Kip James vs. Consequences Creed 

I'd say how much I want James to lose this tournament just so I can get enjoyment out of watching him in a turkey costume. But then it hit me. Kip James would probably enjoy that. And that is something that none of us need to see. Ever. Shelley and James team up on Creed early on, but Creed eventually hits and Enziguri on James and an Arm Drag. He then goes for, and misses, a Splash on Shelley on the outside. Shelley hits a knee onto Kip 's face outside the ring. And Creed comes back with a Somersault Clothesline on Alex Shelley. Creed punches James to the outside and attempts the TKO on Shelley, but he reverses that into a pin for the win. 

Winner: Alex Shelley

WHAT THE DEUCE??!/!!!1? HE WON!?! Somebody check on the sun, I sense the Apocalypse approaching! (Wow. I have never been so lame.) 

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/Baruke/AlexShelley.jpg

 
-The Fairly Attractive People are ranting and raving about not being on the card at Final Resolution. And they complain about James getting ripped off in his match. Shut the hell up, Alex Shelley won. Doesn't that mean a thing to you? All of a sudden, someone runs in a hands a note to Love. Holy crap. The note said Palin will be on Impact (the hell?) to pick up her money for charity. Oh thank God it's joke. Her charity of choice is Hockey Moms of America and she can't come to the PPV because she has a moose hunt. There is a God after all. And he must hate TNA as much as I do.

All of sudden, the second most annoying bitch in TNA (Sharmell) comes in and tells them that Booker T wants to speak to them, now. I bet it's because they're not showing any RESPECT(!) to Sarah Palin. 

-Time for more Jeff Jarrett. This time he's with Rhino. Okay, seriously Rhino, I'm getting tired of you wasting valuable airtime. No body cares about you anymore except yourself. All he did was promise that he will win at Final Resolution.

-Rough Cuts with LAX. Homicide and Hernandez are like brothers. I'll tell you something, they sure have RESPECT for one another. Those TNA Originals could sure learn a thing or two from these guys. 

-Lauren is with Team 3D and talking about their offer from the Originals. Ray says that they've been thinking about their options. Scott Steiner walks in and says the MEM has an offer that they can't refuse. That can be considered a slight Mafia reference, right? Okay then. SHUT THE HELL UP, STEINER! Ray agrees to listen to this offer. I'm willing to bet 3D joins the Originals. Either way, if you need any more proof that the MEM basically IS the NWO, this episode will give all the proof you need. You can't have the ENTIRE roster involved in this angle. 

-Traci and Christy Hemme are screaming at each other. Christ says she's trained with AJ Styles for 3 months to get revenge on Kong. I can think of no better teacher. She begs for a match and Traci tells her that if she can beat Saeed tonight, she will face Kong at Final Resolution.

Turkey Bowl Qualifying Match: Jimmy Rave vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Super DNA

Jimmy Rave still exists? Really? It starts off with some double team moves on Morgan that basically work his legs. Oh, Crazy Ref is the referee for this match. Wasn't he put on probation? CONTINUITY! Morgan Back Body Drop's Bashir and does a really strange looking Cross Body onto Rave and Bashir. Truth be told, it wasn't really "strange looking." It's just that his DNA makes it so amazing and innovative looking that we aren't used to the greatness of it. He then does a Fall Away Slam on both of them. Morgan goes for his Bicycle Kick, but misses and falls to the outside. How humorous. Bashir hits a WMD for the win.
Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir 

-In the back, Lauren hangs around while Booker T asks Love and Sky to act as backup for Sharmell. Kip James wants to know what Booker can do for them. Maybe Booker can terminate Kip James? No, instead, after Love asks for it, he agrees that he will give them his super awesome locker room if they help Sharmell win.

-Kurt Angle is now speaking with Ray and Devon. He makes more idiotic Mafia references, but Ray can't trust anyone in this business. Devon is offended by this crazy bald white man. Scott gives Team 3D suits. How eventful. 

Christy Hemme vs. Raesha Saeed w/ Awesome Kong and Rhaka Khan

Hemme hits a Face Buster, but Saeed is able to hit a Slam and throw Christy to Kong and Khan on the outside. Kong flings her to the guardrail and Saeed hits a Curb Stomp. Saeed misses a Dropkick on the top turnbuckle. Hemme misses the FFG, but then reverses a Power Bomb attempt into a pin for the victory. 
Winner: Christy Hemme 

That was such a not believable victory. The poor girl still just cannot wrestle. After the bell, Kong comes in and destroys Christy. But hey she did win did'nt she? Any excuse for another Christy Hemme pic eh?

 

Oh Boy. 

-Mike Tenay is interviewing the World's Best Teacher, AJ Styles. He asks AJ if Rhino can unify the Originals, to which Styles says "who gives a crap, Jeff Jarrett will be our savior!" No, he really says that Rhino will be a great leader. Tenay mentions the MCMG and then randomly mentions Styles's problems with his father. Styles calls his dad a drunk and a wife beater, and says he once knocked him out for assaulting his mother. O.......K. 

-Lauren is with Sting and Ol Man Nash in the back. Sting doesn't know how to address Styles's comments. Nash on the other hand, says that Styles deserves what he got. Sting started questioning it, but Nash stops him and tells him to get ready to welcome Team 3D into the MEM. Sting needs to stop trying to be a face. It's officially ridiculous.

-Lauren is now with the Motor City Machine Guns (This girl is the flash tonight). Shelley proceeds to tear into Styles, Joe and Foley. He's also confident that he will win this tournament. Alex Shelley, thank you for being the saving grace of this show. 

Turkey Bowl Triple Threat Finals:Rhino vs. Alex Shelley vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir 
Borash gets in the ring to run down the rules for the match. He shows off the $25,000 check and the Turkey Suit. That useless turkey suit. Rhino hits a Belly-to-Belly Suplex on Bashir and a Spine Buster on Alex Shelley and goes for the pin, but it's broken up as we go to commercials. Once back, Shelley and Bashir double team Rhino on the outside and inside the ring as well with a Suplex. Shelley hits an Inverted Atomic Drop on Bashir from the top turnbuckle. And holy crap, Alex Shelley better win this match. Or else. Rhino Clotheslines Bashir and Gores Shelley for the win....Oh for the love of..... Winner: Rhino
 

So Rhino will be presented with the check which should go to Alex Shelley. Screw you, TNA, for using one of your best talents ever as a ridiculous comedy act. Shelley rolls out of the ring to avoid the wrongful embarrassment he's about to ensue....dammit, dammit, dammit. Foley threatens to fire Shelley if he doesn't put on the suit. He has until the count of ten to put on the suit. This should be illegal. At 6, Shelley slips a leg into the suit.

Shelley eventually stops, and Foley has to make jackass comments towards him. The moronic crowd starts a "gobble, gobble" chant. YOU ARE ALL HORRIFYING DUMBASSES WHO WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE TALENT IF IT SPAT IN YOUR FACE. Okay, I'll calm down now. Shelley flips off Foley and in response, he eats a Double Underhook Cactus DDT, and tells Shelley he should be thankful that he still has a job. That was so stupid and that's not just my insane amount of love towards Alex Shelley talking. I swear. The TNA Originals come down to the ring, and AJ calls out Team 3D. Instead of Ray and Devon, we get the MEM. Just great. Kurt throws a fit at AJ, and then calls down Team 3D, and announces them as the newest members of the MEM. They come down in their suits, looking even worse than Scott Steiner an get booed like whoa. Ray spoke to the Originals about the MEM being right, but they also felt the Originals were right. Technically, you have a choose a side. They're so opposite, there's no middle ground. (Someone needs to tell Sting that, though.) Ray says they want to be remembered as two warriors that entertained the world, and two men who helped build ECW. I'm willing to agree with that. At least they know their place. Ray calls the Originals "all balls and guts". They join the Originals, despite not being TNA Originals. I guess nothing really has to make sense anymore, anyway. 

And holy crap, what's this!?! THE MEM IS BEING DESTROYED BY THE TNA ORIGINALS! Team 3D announce themselves are the partners for Joe and Styles at Final Resolution. And just as Team 3D is about to put Kurt Angle through a table, Sting pulls him out of the ring. TNA fades out for the first time ever, the Originals standing the ring!! Can I get a....

 

MY JACKASS OF THE WEEK: Mick Foley 

READERS CORNER

Comment # 1
you should already know what i think of you, why cant you stop whining like Jericho and Batista and do a un-bias report, you cant judge TNA based against WWE, WWE has been in business a lot longer, you should respect the fact TNA is on th rise but there no where close to being wwe's challenge, if you dont like it stop watching it, a real writer writes on what he is passionate about not what they hate about.
Posted by Collective Soul on Saturday, November 29, 2008

When the hell have I ever judged TNA against the WWE? Check back my reports man....I dont think I've ever even mentioned the WWE until right here...If you gotta complain about me, at least make it worthwhile please.

Comment # 2
i dont agree with any of u carlton in my opinion is funny and hes right about tna theyre just trying to live the glory days of the nwo by bringing in the MEM. and carlton reports on the whole show and brings in comedy to it which is why i read it so if u other assholes dont enjoy reading it then dont and get the hell off of this page=] HAVE A NICE DAY!
Posted by Mexican Afro on Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hey I had to add in one of the positives too eh? At least the mexican population is down with your boy;) 

REMEMBER....The best 3 comments make it into my article. Its a chance to get your name in my article. Woo Hoo. 

The Lo'Down

Well, that was unexpected, huh? Just put Kurt through the table next time, and then I'll be really impressed. But this is progress, and I'm willing to give credit where credit is due, hence this sentence. I just don't know how much longer I can stand seeing Alex Shelley being completely misused and overlooked like this though.

 Til next Time, Im Your

Comments

1. Comment #1

   As was said above, dont agree with all what you write, but damn its fun to read your reports! Keep up the good work.

   Posted by The Witcher on Friday, December 12, 2008

2. Comment #2

   This is hilariously entertaining. Great stuff!

   Posted by Man of Men on Friday, December 12, 2008

3. Comment #3

   Okay. You are the most illogical person, seriously. PLEASE can you hand over these report duties you're SO loathe to fulfill to somebody else! ANYBODY! Whoever is next in line. I don't care if they're humourless and can't write for toffee. Or maybe even just stop calling it a report. Because it's not a report, it's a rant. And I seriously do wonder if all these people saying you rock are just one person, who possibly might be yourself. IF YOU HATE IT, THEN STOP DOING IT, STUPID. Pass it to the next person, write about something else - problem solved. Please consider this. I am seriously pissed off at some armchair hatemonger spewing garbage about a bunch of people who've actually done something with their lives.

   Posted by Jane Ross on Friday, December 12, 2008

4. Comment #4

   Wheres comment number 3!!!! Hahaha, nice article.

   Posted by R.U.Sty on Friday, December 12, 2008

5. Comment #5

   From a fellow reporter I just gotta say....Nice Job!

   Posted by Curtis on Saturday, December 13, 2008

6. Comment #6

   I thought the whole MEM was created to push TNA Originals to get them over. Why the hell is Rhino the leader? Why not Joe or Styles? Now with Whino and 3D on their side, the originals will just get overshadowed.
   
   Jan Ross keeps viewing your article despite hating it, then he claims you are illogical because you write about a show you hate. Just pointing that out.

   Posted by Botac on Saturday, December 13, 2008

7. Comment #7

   Hey Carlton, can I ask you something? Why do you write reports on TNA when you show a big dislike towards their shows? No offense because I think you write good articles, I was just wondering.
   
   - Amen

   Posted by Amen on Friday, December 12, 2008

8. Comment #8

   He is right. TNA really is bad. They are doing bad characters Vs. what they did best before. Two years ago very good, now trying to be WWE but very weak.

   Posted by El Condor on Saturday, December 13, 2008

9. Comment #9

   Botac, if you like something, and somebody keeps trashing it over and over each week, wouldn't you be concerned enough to check out a few paragraphs to see if anyone's talked sense into that person yet? Or to check if he's done anything ban-worthy. Although two counts of swearing and one count of racism, as well as constant two-week lateness, don't seem to matter for some reason.

   Posted by Jane Ross on Saturday, December 13, 2008

10. Comment #10

    Heck you're all just WWE sheep anyway. I'm not a TNA sheep, I don't think everything they do is right. I just don't like watching some bully stomp something into the ground over and over again for no apparent reason.

    Posted by Jane Ross on Saturday, December 13, 2008

11. Comment #11

    Until this insulting twit gets fired or does the decent thing by passing on the duty to somebody else, you can all take my bad comments each week, eat them, and like them. By the attitude in his article, somebody's bound to be as pissed off as I am, so he might as well be writing these replies himself. Besides which... he seems to enjoy hatred anyway. So it only seems fair to spew some back at him.

    Posted by Jane Ross on Saturday, December 13, 2008

12. Comment #12

    Jane, he's here because, if you ever actually read these comments, about 50% of the smark community is made of of dumbass sheep who go along with any opinion they read so long as it's angsty enough. Despite all logic, despite what makes money or is a solid idea for future endeavors, any move that WWE or TNA makes can be introverted by some 10 year old somewhere into a comment consisting of several f-bombs, and then hundreds of people will be posting the same crap everywhere. It's pretty much the same principal in action here, sickening as it is.
    
    However much I beleive that Carlton is an insipid ass, however much I beleive that those who congradulate him on his work are representitives of the dregs of the smark community and as such marks on whole new levels, he gets good views from alot of folks for stating what he truly beleives, and so he's gonna be here for awhile.

    Posted by Tim Taurus on Saturday, December 13, 2008

13. Comment #13

    funny article.
    
    Like always

    Posted by sealeman on Saturday, December 13, 2008

14. Comment #14

    PLEASE! Pick my comment to be in your article next week! PLEASE!

    Posted by Redman on Saturday, December 13, 2008

15. Comment #15

    Another week.
    Another bad article.
    Another agreement with Jane Ross.
    I see a routine forming.

    Posted by Survive on Saturday, December 13, 2008

16. Comment #16

    Jane Ross, I don't care if someone trashes anything I like. Especially to the point that it become borderline obsession like it seems to have become with you. Let people think what they want to think, don't elevate someone else's opinion to a level of importance. You're not accomplishing anything by nagging at him.

    Posted by Botac on Saturday, December 13, 2008

17. Comment #17

    repeating what my clansmen did yes Jane we are distant cousin. I must say Fathers are put ont his planet for one reason to Tear you up wher eit's by elaving your mommy or being a drunk or refusing to be a dad orby disownign you a fathe rnever fails at his role. I can actually feel empathy for Aj for this reason. You ahve to say give me a break Aj sucks and can't train Christy. Nobody trianed Foley so maybe Christy cna be a briand ead female. Carlton you are such a horrible writer. You writer for one reason to make people hate you get all orgasmic about reading your hate mail. I would say bring back the Joker atleats his articles wher eon time and under your bias. I would like to say I support Akahana Xandres idea to balcklist you. we will impeach you has a writer. Next Week a complete list of people who have boyscotted even opening your article will be posted by Akahana Xandre. Power of the users pwn everything but Silencer. So it will work on you unless your Silencers Alt.

    Posted by Jake Hammer on Sunday, December 14, 2008

18. Comment #18

    HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT RHINO AND MICK FOLEY LIKE THAT!

    Posted by blackhole133 on Sunday, December 14, 2008

19. Comment #19

    hello i love ur column A+ every week awesome but i cant watch TNA on tv anymore:( thats y i read ur column the best column eva and when i become a columnist u r the 1 whos name will be in my column

    Posted by RIP on Monday, December 15, 2008

20. Comment #20

    don't speak for me you did that so I could see a few messages to make me angry. Jake grow up already. There will be no list cuz it doesn't matter. I was at your house Jake about three weeks ago you had ECW Anarchy Rulez and you wrestled has Rhino so don't tell me your not a fan. Mick Foley this man has Mick Foley's Greatest Hits and Misses DVD special edition. YOu hear dhis promos you saw his hand picked matches and you still don't respect Mick Foley. I want to see you walk in Foley's shoes you elave the Grocey store and don't knwo where your hosue is so your drivign around trying to remember. He loved the business more than anybody else alive no man would ever make Sabu and Undertake rlook better than Mick Foley did. He brought out so much brutality int hose two Mick has earne dhis TV time and also the support of TWG. please delete any hateful Mick Foley references. what if Micks Kid read that and you made them cry is that right. No it isn't. Our friendship is over I am sick fo your games. Why is backstabbign a reflex to you and ahting and beign a hipocratic abotu every somethign you have to do before the days out lieks its your lfie mission.
    
    There is no list please don't send any pm my way in game thank you.

    Posted by Akahana Xandre on Monday, December 15, 2008

21. Comment #21

    Botac you're right, I'm not achieving anything here. Gonna leave the sheep feed for the sheep. Treat it like a heel interview, or something. Clearly unrealistic, and nothing that actually matters either. I got too upset over this because of a bit of fragility over other stuff that's nothing to do with it. I know TNA puts out a reasonably good show and so does everybody who watches it every week. I must say the unprofessionalism of being constantly around two weeks late did kinda get to me too. If Carlton has his fans then he has his fans though. It'll just be another one of those things I simply don't get. I'm outta these comment pages from now on. Y'all else enjoy!

    Posted by Jane Ross on Tuesday, December 16, 2008

22. Comment #22

    HAHAHA this is stupid its going no where, Jane Ross your right, me and Jane started this guys we in tend to finish it.
    Look Carlton, TNA has problems, but your making them sound as if there the worst promotion in history, there not, no promotion is but you dont go out of your way to stomp on a company that grew into the TV world faster in 6 years, it took nearly 10 years before wwf found a ligitment TV station. heck in my opinon the OLD ECW was better then any show on primetime wrestling circuit (WWE and TNA).
    If you hate so much stop watching it, quit writing it, pass it off to the next person please.

    Posted by Collective Soul on Wednesday, December 17, 2008

23. Comment #23

    Why the heck were your PPV predctions so half-assed the crazy maraichi guy was right, Fire the HALF-ASS i meant CHARLTON.
    
    just kidding

    Posted by Lionman on Wednesday, December 17, 2008

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