Big Time With Big C: The WWE Heat Index

The Beatles once said that “Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight” (I’m Looking Through You).  That’s true in love, and also in wrestling.  You love one wrestler one day, the next you could care less.  A wrestler bores you for years, then he’s suddenly the hottest thing since the inside of Kate Beckinsale’s costume in Underworld.  That’s why I, the Big C, have created the Heat Index.  It doesn’t measure how popular a wrestler is, or how much the fans hate him.  Instead, it measures how much heat they have gained or lost recently.  These are the guys getting pushed or squashed.   And we’ll start with who’s hot.

Who’s Hot?

Justin Gabriel—Man, Gabriel came out of nowhere, didn’t he?  It wasn’t so long ago that he was off TV completely, and before that he was in an awful tag team with perma-jobber Heath Slater.  Now he’s back, and he’s feuding with Cody Rhodes, a main event caliber worker. 

            This is going to be a great feud for both of them, though it will probably end at the Royal Rumble to give a Rhodes/Goldust feud time to percolate.  Justin Gabriel is a superstar about to be born.  He has a great look and exciting moves.  He seems to be ok on the mic so far.  All he needs is a big match to get traction.  Now Rhodes is already a superstar.  He is amazing in the ring, with a wide variety of moves and sells.  He uses match tempo and storytelling very well.  The two of them are going to make each other look like gods in that ring.

Jack Swagger—It looks like whoever is in the back that Swagger offended has finally forgiven him.  For almost half a year, Swags was jobber to the stars, losing match after match to everyone.  It was sad, really.  Swagger has so much in ring talent and he was just being used as talent enhancement, an overgrown Heath Slater (yes, that’s Slater rip #2.  I’m going for a record).

            Now Swags has got himself a belt and some main event victories for a change.  All he needs now is a good feud, and to stay off the mic.  Yes, the mic will continue to be his nemesis, but maybe his ring work will outshine it.

 Brodus Clay—Brodus Clay walked, or rather, danced from OVW straight into massive heat status.  Creative was lucky, they billed him as this giant main event monster, and then brought him out as Funkmaster Flab.  This almost backlashed and destroyed him.

            Clay made it work though.  He seems to genuinely enjoy the gimmick, and he pulls it off well.  Clay is one funky (Ernest the) Cat. 

            That being said, Clay is not ready yet for anything above mid-carder.  He is still very new to wrestling.  He has two moves and a Fat Guy Splash.  The idea that people expected him to come out and feud with the big stars is laughable now.

            His lack of experience is why he has this funkasaurus gimmick instead of a monster gimmick.  He’s a noob, and noobs need to pay their dues.  Part of those dues is a terrible (though entertaining) gimmick.  It could be worse, he could be a One Man Southern Rock Band (rip #3).

Daniel Bryan—Daniel Bryan has a ridiculous amount of heat as a villain right now.  Honestly, he might be the most hated wrestler in the WWE, next to John Laurenitis.  The crowd hates him because he’s arrogant, he weasels out of tough matches, and he insults the Big Show.  Michael Cole hates him because he’s a ‘nerd’ (good job with that anti-bullying program).  Booker T recently turned on him too.  Who’s left?

            I think a lot of the audience doesn’t like him because they don’t see him being legitimately strong enough to be the champion (yet CM Punk is?).  Bryan is one of the best in ring performers you will ever see, with a whole quiver of epic submission moves (He studies MMA at Randy Couture’s gym just to make his stuff authentic).  So far, the WWE hasn’t let him open up on anyone with some of his more unique stuff.  Instead they gave him Chris Benoit’s old move set.  Once Bryan breaks out of that, he will show some Cirque du Soleil moves.  In the meantime, enjoy watching him run away from giants.

Who’s Cold?

Chris Jericho—Chris Jericho is a genius.  It’s amazing watching him manipulate the crowd like it’s all some weird science experiment.  When Jericho came back, he knew that he would have too much heat (yes, there is such a thing).  He would be so popular that even as a heel the crowd would cheer him.  He wasn’t brought in to be a face, he was brought in as a heel.  So he did the only thing he could do.  He shut up.

            If people go crazy the second you open your mouth, then don’t open your mouth.  By teasing promos for weeks now, the crowd is finally beginning to turn on him.  He created anti- heat!  It’s just a brilliant swerve from a master manipulator.  Now after he wins the Royal Rumble, he’ll be ready to feud with CM Punk as a heel.

Zack Ryder—Oh no, Zack got chokeslammed all the way to Hell.  Yawn.  Seriously, yawn.  His segments have been putting me to sleep.  I loved his story arc with Ziggler.  It was a great triumph of the plucky upstart versus the evil champion.  But since then, he’s just gotten annoying.  I’m over the Broski stuff, and I don’t think that I’m alone.  Why else would WWE be taking him off of the air?

            Maybe after a Bro-less month I’ll be able to fist pump again, but I’ll enjoy my vacation from Long Island.

Kofi Kingston—The only person getting screwed by Evan Bourne more than Evan Bourne is his tag partner, Kofi Kingston.  Kofi did nothing wrong.  He stayed on the straight and narrow while his partner smoked his brains out like a hippie at a bluegrass festival.  Evan Bourne cost Kofi his tag title, his story line, and most importantly, time on TV.

            It looks like creative doesn’t have any ideas for Kofi right now, which means that we won’t being seeing much of him except as a jobber.  Here’s an idea, you can team him up with Heath Slater and job in tandem (rip #4)

Question:  Why so much Heath Slater hate?

I don’t hate Heath Slater at all, but he is killing his gimmick to all hell.  He’s supposed to be a southern rocker, but he has hair like a pretty girl and wears tights.  That’s about as southern rock as the waitresses at Chilli’s.

            If he wants to fix his gimmick, this is what he needs to do:

1)     Cut your hair into a mullet

2)     Grow either mutton chops or a creepy thin mustache

3)     Turn in your tights for blue jeans and a big belt buckle

4)     Come to the ring with a jean jacket covered in band patches

You can’t just put on a gimmick.  You have to live it.

            That’s all for now.  This is the Big C reminding you once again,  “If you gotta go, go big.”

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