Die In A Fire : Episode I

The thoughts of this article are only those of the writer, and clearly don't mean anything to 12 year olds. Facts may be used, but opinion is the majority of this article. Viewer discretion is advised.

Many MANY years ago, there was a guy who stepped into the WWF scene with a unique look and gimmick. He came in a long black overcoat, a wide hat, and a creepy mortician manager. This man was The Undertaker. Welcome to Episode I of Die In A Fire.

Armed with surpising agility for a man his size, a gruff enough voice to sound as if he had smoked 12 packs of cigarettes a day since he was a fetus, and a finishing move (The Tombstone Piledriver) which looks just as scary then as it does now, why would anyone wish him pain and misery? Well, read the rest of the article, and find out!

In WCW, where he started his known career (he may have done other things, but I don't care to look them up) he was just some nameless faceless jobber. Sure, he MAY have been with some other faceless jobber facing the LEGENDARY Road Warriors (or Legion Of Doom, depending on where you saw them...) for some tag belts.  Does this make him better? Not really. Sure, he even did some singles stuff, but he was just a mid carder living in a main eventers world. When WCW declined to renew his contract, the WWF said "Eh, I GUESS we can use you."

With a super push and a premier on Survivor Series as The Million Dollar Man's mystery helper in 1990, the Undertaker made a splash. He worked his butt off participating in fueds with rich storyline, including those against Shawn Michaels, Kane, Mankind, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. His first decade in the WWF was outstanding. Truly the makings for an amazing career with dedication rewarded with no less than 3 WWE titles, some tag titles, and a buttload of merchandise sales. People loved him in the ring, and out of the ring he strove to maintain kayfabe in every interview and public appearance he could.

His fued with Mankind was so epic in fact, that the Hell In A Cell match between these two men set the standard for everything awesome in the world. Let's face is, Mick Foley was a glutton for punishment after The Undertaker not only tossed him off the roof of the cell onto (and through) the Spanish Announcer's table, but Foley got BACK to the roof of the cell only to get chokeslammed through the roof onto the ring below. Even though this literally (and legitimately) knocked out Mankind, he still needed to perform a tombstone piledriver to win. See? This is awesome stuff. However, it was also 13 years ago. He was 37 years old then. He (and probably WWE booking) decided that he needed to let this whole goth cowboy thing with mystic ties rest in peace.  

The Undertaker was already getting on in years with 15 years of pro wrestling under his belt. Every day that passed was another missed opportunity for retirement. The "American Badass" Undertaker was born... A biker no less. No more Deadman, now just some random biker. No more spooky crap. For a man who tried so hard to 'stay in character', they brought his love of motorcycles and crappy tattoos into focus. Sure, it made him more 'real', but people didn't care about that stuff. He still sat up after being hit with power moves, he still had his bells toll, he was still named The Undertaker. He just wanted to be called something else too. Why? Why not rewrite your whole story, rather than half ass it? Two things, in my opinion. Money and fame. Mark Calaway was not content to simply fade into nothingness, or start over with a new face. So, why not just mesh them all together. This is when my distaste for him started.

In theory, this would have made him better, and for a while it did. He stood up against the 'man', and that made him a huge fan favorite. He fueded with even more names, Diamond Dallas "I'm stalking Undertaker's second wife" Page, Kurt Angle, Edge, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, just to name a few. Let's face it though, even after cutting his hair and wearing a stupid stocking cap and calling himself "Big Evil", he was still just some scrubby biker who had a hard time saying anything of worth, when everyone around him both wrestled around him, and had the mic skills to make them champions. At this time, The UndertakerBadassEvil guy was just a high class jobber. When Kane and Vince McMahon finally buried him alive in 2003 at Survivor Series... I hoped this would be Kane's time to shine. Nah, it'd take another 7 years for that to happen.

Honestly, had The Undertaker retired at that moment, I would have said "Excellent career. Hall Of Fame material!" I would not be so lucky.

Since his return to the original Deadman gimmick which made him who he was, he's been erratic in his quality. He fought for about 6 months before taking another year away from the ring. Again, had he jsut stayed down, we would have been reverent of his accomplishments and abilities. Nope, unwilling to accept not dying in the ring that made him, he returned to more lackluster fights. Mark Henry? Great Khali? These are big guys, but not exactly known for their wrestling prowess. Where are the storylines that made him The Phenom? Not even Kurt Angle could make The Undertaker worth anyone's notice anymore.

Yet, in 2007, they put him in at number 30 in the Royal Rumble where he won. Why numer 30? Because he was a broken, battered 42 year old man without the spy limbs or ability to take bumps he used to. Why did they give him the win though? I think I know. To keep him from retiring. A few months later though, he dropped the title to Edge (who cashed in a Money In The Bank) and took even MORE time off.

Then, upon coming back and fueding with Vickie Guerrero and her posse of cronies, he found himself on the losing end of a stipulation. A stupilation that said he was to leave the WWE. Had he just left then, again, cheering and smiles abound from me. Alas, it was not to be. He was reinstated by Vickie (another multi-month break for him) and set upon Edge. Oooh boy. You can tell how excited I was to see him back AGAIN.

Over the last 2 years, he's averaged just over one match a month. Yet, he's still considered champion calibur? He's not out there night after night like the younger talent. The talent that work their butts off like he did. The talent that come in night after night to make his saggy old manboobs look tolerable. The talent that dances on hot coals to make sure they don't break his brittle old man hip. He doesn't come to shows, he does pre-recorded promos while he nurses his hands and back. He's had maybe three GREAT matches in those two years, and two of them at Wrestlemania with Shawn Michaels (who is awesome beyond belief, and knew when to step down). This is not a champion anymore.

So, in the past was he great? Sure. However, at this moment? Not even a little. Retire. It's WELL past your time. Do the world of wrestling a favor and step down. Right now, you're only cheapening everything you sought to create by trying to live in the shadow of your former glory. I mean, you even got a cheap blonde tartlet trophy wife after the one who stayed faithfully with your sorry ass got as old and bitter as you are.

The Undertaker, kindly die in a fire.

Comments

1. Comment #1

   13 years ago, Taker was 32

   Posted by Rafa on Monday, August 23, 2010

2. Comment #2

   Mod. Sakura Smythe 16.09
   I should have put in the end "Who would you like to Die In A Fire? Reply now!"
   
   MIDGETSTERIO! PLEASEEEEEE!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord/Henry Fitzroy on Monday, August 23, 2010

3. Comment #3

   The Undertaker has had a great career in the WWE. He should have originally stepped aside after being "retired" by Edge or when he defeated Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 25 cause that match was truly great and could have been the perfect end to his career. He literally gave his all in that match and hasn't had much left in the tank since then. Kane is at the same stage as Undertaker age wise except for Undertaker has been more depended upon throughout his career. Kane has always been that main event or mid-card jobber. Now he's a dominant force on Smackdown and can actually have a long-term title reign.

   Posted by Joseph on Monday, August 23, 2010

4. Comment #4

   I hope this is Kane's last hurrah. I hope Undertaker retires BEFORE Wrestlemania, but if he doesn't I want him to lose to someone truly deserving to take up the mantle. Dolph Ziggler. >_>

   Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, August 23, 2010

5. Comment #5

   Kane can have his title reign until Wrestlemania and hang up the boots. I'd rather have someone beat Undertaker at Survivor Series and end his career on the same show he started it on. Win or loss he has to put someone over. Dolph Ziggler can keep his IC title and run with it. They need someone young to put over. Alberto Del Rio has Rey Mysterio to help him but if they have a short feud they can really put him over if he can beat Undertaker. CM Punk is a good choice too even though he's already over as a heel. He'd be able to generate a big push that way. Cody Rhodes is a little green but he'd get super over with a win over Taker. Drew McIntyre can also benefit greatly by beating Undertaker, he already had his own point of view in the feud between Kane and Rey and could be a match down the line. Jack Swagger seems so forgotten since his world title loss, he had virtually no chance to win at Money in the Bank and he's turning into a hick Kurt Angle >.<

   Posted by Joseph on Monday, August 23, 2010

6. Comment #6

   I agree with every, i repeat *EVERY* part of this article.. Great article Snaps!

   Posted by Portable Air Bag on Monday, August 23, 2010

7. Comment #7

   Hogan Hater - You think I have any warm spot for Hogan? Oh man, that guy is a WORLD CLASS DOUCHEBARGE. Between publicly throwing himself in everything he can, basically ruining TNA (yeah, I said it) and putting his talentless hack of a daughter into the spotlight... He's the very worst type of person.

   Posted by Madam Snapshot on Wednesday, August 25, 2010

8. Comment #8

   You may bad mouth Taker, but he is no where near as bad as Hogan, but most people forgive Hogan every time he returns to the ring because he is the Fans Favorite. I know who I would rather pay to see between Hogan and Taker. Hogan even recently participated in TNA even though he is so badly battered he can hardly walk, accourding to his family and friends. You talk about take only having 3 decent matchs in the past 2 years. It dosn't change the fact that two of those matchs at Wrestlemania where against Shawn Michaels where the best matchs in WWE for YEARS. Also Shawn Michaels came back after retiring once and only retired this time because he was forced to, not because he wanted to.

   Posted by I hope Hogan dies in a Fire on Wednesday, August 25, 2010

9. Comment #9

   your right undertaker needs to hang up the boots before his mania streak gets eaten by wwe board as much as i hate 2 admit it its true though good thinking on the survivor series thing but someone like cena or jericho need 2 end it they r the only people worhty of facin him at mania if his streaks gna end or he jus gna retire though it would be gud if he had all his gimmicks and attires in the next games

   Posted by times over 4 taker on Wednesday, August 25, 2010

10. Comment #10

    I will not lie.
    
    This was a highly excellent article. You hit it with the history, then you gave good comentary. While I disagree with what you say about the American baddass bit. I personally thought it was pure awesome. When I was in the crowd, the people around me ate it up. I guess it lackes the intensity of his original gimmick, but the undertaker coming out to works like limp Bizkit and kid rock, doing his UBER powerbomb, it was show stopping.
    
    The undertaker now is the legacey. He comes in the ring with his long entrance, and his history behind him. His in ring work isnt the selling point to his matches, although we can all remember the awesomeness that was him V HBK.

    Posted by Devil D on Wednesday, August 25, 2010

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