Monday Night Vince-stigation: 11/24

Hello destitute public, welcome to – VRRRRROOOOOOOM!!!11!!1one!1  Tonight's RAW kicks off with a car pulling into the back. Shane McMahon gets out and rushes into the arena, stopping to show love to Cryme Tyme. Shane greets Kelly Kelly and turns Dolph Ziggler into a coat hanger before heading into the arena. Shane's music hits and out he comes.

Shane talks about Cena being the new World Heavyweight Champion. He says two former Champions have rematch clauses in their contracts, Batista and Chris Jericho. Shane says the two will fight tonight to see who faces Cena at Armageddon for the World Title. When Shane says Cena is in the house the crowd starts throwing feces.


Stephanie's music hits and out she comes. She’s all grown up now, apparently, listening and learning. She has an announcement of her own. She says Randy Orton has a valid argument as to why he should face Cena. (He lost his title match, never got a rematch.)


Stephanie adds Orton to the match tonight, making it a Triple Threat with Orton, Batista, and Y2J. Shane and Stephanie have a few words off-mic and you hear her say "this is my show." The crowd chants Cena's name. Stephanie says up next is John Morrison and The Miz vs.... Shane cuts her off and says Shawn Michaels and Rey Rey’s names. Stephanie says he didn't hear her when she said, this is HER show. She says he has given her no other choice. Steph says she won't let Shane ruin this show, it's her show. Some boring stuff transpires before Shane asks her if she's going to run RAW by herself, or sleep with another Superstar and get herself a new husband. She slaps him. Shane says if she wants to run RAW, he's going to watch her run it into the ground. He walks off and she follows.

 We cut to a shocked looking Cole and Lawler who talk about Cena being in the house tonight.

John Morrison (w/ Glitter) and The Miz vs. Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio  
Miz and Morrison are out first representing ECW. Out next is Rey Mysterio followed by his tag team partner Shawn Michaels. Rey and Morrison start the match out.

As the match starts, we cut to JBL getting in his limo. He tells his driver to go but he says there's a match going on. JBL tells him to go anyway. We cut back to the arena where Morrison and HBK are doing battle. HBK goes for a super kick but Morrison ducks. JBL's music hits and here comes the white limousine.


JBL gets out at ringside and just watches the match. Miz and HBK are in the ring now. Miz gets a 2 count as we go to commercial break.

Back from commercial and Rey is down on the outside. HBK and Miz are going at it in the ring as JBL watches the match from beside his limousine. Back drop by HBK as he looks for a tag. Rey is still down on the outside. Morrison comes in and drags HBK back to the center of the ring and hits him with right hands.

Morrison takes HBK to the second rope for a superplex but HBK pushes him to the mat. HBK gets tangled on the ropes going to tag Mysterio. Miz and Rey get tagged in at the same time. Rey with a scissors take down. Rey hits a split leg moonsault for a 2 count. Rey decks Morrison and hits the senton on Miz. Rey nails the 619 and goes to the top. Morrison goes to knock him off but HBK makes the save. Miz fights Rey on the top but Rey sunset flip powerbombs Miz from the top for the pinfall and the win.

Winners: Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michaels. – This match was the best opener in a very long while. VERY LONG. Team Face got their revenge and M&M looked good. 8 out of 10.

After the match, Morrison comes in and decks Mysterio. HBK comes in but gets beat down by Morrison. JBL slowly makes his way to the ring and takes his coat off. Morrison holds HBK for JBL, who licks his chops but then cracks Morrison in the teeth with a big boot. 

- Back from commercial and Todd Grisham stops JBL backstage. He says he made Shawn Michaels an offer this morning that he can't refuse and he thinks he is considering it strongly. JBL says what he did tonight was an act of good faith and walks off.

 When I think things are just about winding down for the night, which they usually do after a good start, I hear something… it sounds sort of like… KENNEDAAAAAAAAY! 

No, not that one, but he does come out and say he has a presidential name (after shameless plugging of his movie), which gets some cheers, and gets him thinking. So he announces that he toured the uh… Survivor Series LINES last night, asking people which WWE Superstar reminded them of Barack Obama.
---
It went like this: A bunch of yokels, some handicapped kids and like one normal guy yelling out suggestions such as: Undertaker, Shelton Benjamin, and …The Undertaker again, eventually culminating in a little animation that exaggerates the EARS of Barack Obama & God.  Kennedy screams his name, but isn’t cheered as loud as he should be, and leaves.

- We go backstage with Todd Grisham and Batista. Batista congratulates Cena on coming back from injury and winning the World Title in his hometown. Batista says he is headed back to the top and will start tonight with a win in the main event. Back to commercial.

- As announced on RAW tonight, The WWE Slammy Awards will take place two weeks from tonight on the USA Network as a part of a three-hour special RAW. The show will highlight the WWE achievements of 2008.

Intercontinental Title Tournament Match #1:
WWE Hall of Famer Pat Patterson comes out to do commentary for this match. Kofi Kingston is out first, which is a pleasant surprise because I had heard NOTHING about this tournament during the week. When I lull myself into a false state of “This is okay”-ness, the stage explodes and out comes my big red buddy.

Kane works over Kofi for another quick 2 count. Kane with a big side slam on Kofi but he misses a big right hand. Kofi mounts him in the corner with right hands and a big uppercut. Kicks by Kane. Kofi kicks him in the face and lands a splash off the top for a 2 count. Kofi misses a flying kick and Kane lifts him for the chokeslam. Kofi escapes and kicks Kane to the floor. Kofi comes off the top and to the floor on Kane.

Kane throws Kofi into the steel ring post then bends his body around it as the ref counts. Kane doesn't let up and the referee calls for the bell. Kane pushes Kofi back in the ring and takes the ring steps in with him. Kane lifts the steps and decks Kofi with the steps, laying him out. Stephanie McMahon comes to the entrance and tells Kane he has two options. Take his aggression out on Kofi Kingston right now…(The camera shows the obvious pwnage)-

…or on John Cena next week on RAW. Stephanie announces Kane vs. John Cena for next week's RAW.

Winner by DQ: Kofi Kingston. – I hate DQ endings more and more now. Kane got to look strong this week but I doubt his campaign against Cena will be successful at all. = ( 4.0 outta 10.

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contender Spot: Chris Jericho (w/ Hot Dog Legs) vs. Batista vs. Randy Orton
Back from commercial and the former World Champion Chris Jericho is out first for this match. Out next is Randy Orton to a nice pop followed by Batista. As Orton made his way out, we saw Cody Rhodes and Manu backstage watching on a monitor.

The match starts with Batista fighting both guys off. He puts Jericho back in the corner and goes to work on Orton in the other corner. Batista works Orton over and goes back to Jericho. Shoulder block and a 2 count by Batista on Jericho. Batista goes back to Orton and drops him. Big boot and a 2 count by Batista. Jericho decks Batista and hits him with right hands now. Batista fights back and kicks Orton to the floor. Batista runs the ropes and Orton trips him, taking him to the floor. Jericho dropkicks Batista and battles with Orton in the ring now.

Orton takes Jericho down in the ring and starts to stalk him as Jericho tries to get up. We go back to commercial break.

Back from commercial and Jericho has Batista in the corner and rolls him up for a 2 count. Orton makes the save. During the break, Batista pulled Orton to the floor when he went for the RKO on Jericho. Orton starts to stomp Batista now and gets a 2 count. Orton stomps some more on Batista. Orton pounds on Batista some more now with right hands. Jericho and Orton start stomping on Batista together now. Jericho throws Batista into an Orton clothesline. Orton decks Jericho. Jericho with an amazing running enziguri on Orton for a 2 count.

Batista catches Jericho in that spinning-standing-sidewalk-slam-thing for a 2 count. Running clothesline by Batista crushes Orton. Powerslam by Batista and another 2 count. Orton catches Jericho in a powerslam for a close 2 count. Batista hits Orton with a big spinebuster. Jericho goes for the Codebreaker but Batista catches him. Jericho counters the Batista Bomb and locks the Walls of Jericho on Batista. Orton breaks the hold with a clothesline on Jericho. Orton with his backbreaker move on Batista. Orton starts to stalk Batista now on the mat.

Orton goes for the punt kick but Batista spears him for a 2 count as Jericho breaks it up. Jericho takes advantage and pins Orton to get the win and go to Armageddon to face John Cena.

Winner and new #1 contender: Chris Jericho. – Good call, Jericho is still in the picture. There were some impressive spots from everyone in this match, and Batista catching Jericho by the knees? Woot. 7.8 outta 10.
--
Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. Goldust (w/o Robe but w/ Wig and Lovehandles)
Back from commercial and Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix are in the ring. Santino says he is the best IC Champion of all time and for him not to be in the IC Title DVD and tournament are big mistakes. Santino rants about someone not wanting to face him tonight and the music hits and out comes Goldust.


We get a little bit of comedy between the two to start the match. Goldust taunts Beth and Santino, blowing kisses at them and doing his “woooooohff GNAW!” thing. This pisses Santino off. Butt bump by Goldust for a 2 count. Santino takes control now and works over Goldust in the corner. Big right by Goldust and an inverted atomic drop followed by a clothesline. Goldust nails his finisher (some kind of crazy spinning suplex) for the pinfall and the win.
Winner: Goldust. – Thanks Jesus. Thanks Baby Jesus. Thanks Brett Favre. Thanks God. Thanks RAW team. 6.0, an okay match, but a MONUMENTAL step in the right direction.

Goldust taunts Beth and Santino after the match as we get ready for another commercial break.

- Back from commercial and Randy Orton is walking backstage. He runs into Cody Rhodes and Manu who just stare at him. Orton keeps walking.

Intercontinental Title Tournament Match: CM Punk vs. Snitsky (w/ Obvious knee coming to his face)
One half of the Tag Team Champions CM Punk is out first. What really got me is that a FEW people were doing the “We Are Not Worthy” bows for Mr. Kennedy, but CM Punk got a whole section of people to do an attitude era wave.  William Regal's music hits and he comes out with Layla by his side. Regal takes a seat at ringside for commentary. Snitsky is out next for the match.

Snitsky and Punk go at it. Snitsky drops him with a big side slam for a 2 count. Big elbow drops and another 2 count by Snitsky. Regal hopes Punk wins and says he predicts the two will have a feud for the ages. Snitsky applies a big bear hug on Punk. Snitsky drops him and starts stomping.

Snitsky gets another 2 count and applies another bear hug on Punk. Punk fights out of it with elbows to the head but Snitsky drops him with another slam and a big elbow drop. Punk with kicks from the mat and a jaw breaker. Punches and kicks by Punk now. Punk goes to the top and hits a forearm for a 2 count. Punk hits the running knee in the corner but gets dropped by a big boot from Snitsky. Snitsky locks on the third bear hug of the match.

Snitsky levels Punk with a big clothesline out of the bear hug. Snitsky goes for a big pumphandle slam but Punk turns it into the GTS. Punk gets the pinfall for the win and the advance in the tournament. Regal stands and applauds Punk at ringside.
Winner: CM Punk. – errr 4.0 out of 10. Action not so great, but Regal was actually cordial on the mic behind the table. He said he wanted a big match and feud with Punk. Hmmm.

- Todd Grisham is backstage with Rey Mysterio. Rey has a match with The Miz for the IC Title tournament on next week's show. Rey talks about the IC Title when Mike Knox walks up. Knox and Rey stare each other down. Knox walks off as Rey looks on and we go back to commercial.

- Back from commercial and DX are dressed up with some Christmas jingle in the background. They're the best at plugging merchandise. Triple H says he met Kelly Kelly at the video game commercial shoot, sooo… long story short Kelly takes her shirt off and throws it at Shawn’s face. He’s a born-again Christian so he uses his merchandise to cover his eyes. If Mike Knox isn’t Santa Claus during a segment soon I’ll scream.

Beth Phoenix, Katie Lea and Jillian Hall vs. Mickie, Candice and Melina
The heel Divas come out first and there's a fan at ringside with a Beth Phoenix sign. It's a WWE developmental Diva apparently. No word what her new (TV) name will be yet. Beth starts speaking and Jillian Hall interrupts her and says she is excited about the Slammy Awards. Jillian breaks out in a horrible song. We go to commercial.

Back from commercial and Mickie and Candice come out, followed by Melina. They gave away Melina's return before she came out and Lawler tried to play it off. Whoever was working the Titantron probably got castrated. Candice and Jillian go at it with Beth getting tagged in. Beth drops her for a 2 count.

Beth with a backbreaker on Candice and she applies the pressure. Beth tags in Katie Lea but in comes Melina too. Melina decks Jillian and goes to work on Katie. Katie misses a clothesline and Melina hits a nice rollup for a 2 count. Beth comes in now but catches a jawbreaker from Melina. Mickie dives from the top onto Beth. Melina hits her split leg drop on Katie Lea for the pinfall and the win.
Winners: Melina, Candice Michelle and Mickie James. – Okay, okay, I hate diva matches, but there was heel divas and Melina in the same ring together. It was a good match – 7.0 out of 10. Melina hits a matrix bend, Canadian Destroyer (kinda), and her finisher in about 30 seconds.  

- We see Chris Jericho walking backstage when Stephanie McMahon stops him. She asks where he's going. He says to welcome Cena in the ring. She looks on as we go to commercial.

- Back from commercial and Jericho comes to the ring. He says at the end of 2008, he will be the World Champion and talks about it. Cena comes on the big screen, surrounded by WWE fans, and tells Jericho to hush it. Cena says the fans aren't hypocrites like Jericho says, they're good people. Cena says he didn't show up alone tonight and brought thousands of friends. He says if Jericho wants to welcome him, he welcomes all of them right now. Cena and the fans head to the ring.

Cena tells them to stop the music, and starts vomiting passion. WE LOVE WWE, I LOVE WWE, BUT I AM WE, SO JERICHO HATES US, LET’S BE WWE GOOD YES. Typical Cena stuff. He wants a fight and Y2J backs out, but then comes back in when Cena makes some remarks about it. Y2J tells Cena he’s the BEST of the friggin world, the cream of the crop, then Cena lays a beating on him. Clotheslines, steel steps, STFU’s, everything is used as a weapon. The crowd is electric through all of it. Off da air.


 Notes:
-Shane’s hair looks like his Daddy’s.
-I would totally hit on Stephanie if her husband wasn’t The Triple H.
-Face JBL would be exciting.
-Kennedy’s facial patch of hair makes him look like a hearty beer drinker.
-The Undertaker looks like Barack Obama.
-Kane picked up the steel steps easier than Cena.
-When CM Punk’s name is announced by Lilian Garcia, it sounds like a certain video game character.-C – M – POOONK! 

  Are we doing Shameless plugs this week? Viva Vince.

Comments

1. Comment #1

   That last gif is my favorite EVER. It's way funnier without the pause, too, because you see how damn fast he nailed that guy.
   
   Melina actually looked like a diva who could wrestle tonight, first time we've really seen such a diva this entire freaking year.

   Posted by The Glide on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

2. Comment #2

   Far out that was a great review. The .gif's get better and better every review. Great job The Vince, I haven't come across a reporter who can write a better review than you yet :)
   
   Keep up the good work.

   Posted by Mr. Futureman (gimme a match sometme) on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

3. Comment #3

   Lol, a TNA gif in your Raw review ;-). Anyway, the only show reports I read are yours and I'm glad I do (you had me at VROOOOM, this time). The last gif was good, almost epic, but for some reason I laughed harder with the "Highlander" and the evil cat. It was more random and I just love evil lolcats. +1 on hitting Stephanie.

   Posted by El Valo on Tuesday, December 02, 2008

4. Comment #4

   Ahahaha love the Gif. at the end.
   
   Oh by the way that move Melina did near the end of the match was a hopping sunset powerbomb and she hit it off pretty good. Glad to see her back.
   
   Oh and good article as usual.

   Posted by The Dominator on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

5. Comment #5

   That. Was fantastic. That's the best article I've read in God knows how long. Perfect buddy, A+.

   Posted by EdgeHead on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

6. Comment #6

   Great article. love the last GIF XD amazing stuff, keep on going

   Posted by Sean Ryker on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

7. Comment #7

   Your going down JBL!

   Posted by peej on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

8. Comment #8

   Your no match for me! You can still backaway from this challange.

   Posted by peej on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

9. Comment #9

   Damn, that was the best article you've ever written

   Posted by Some Guy who fought the Big Show TWICE on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

10. Comment #10

    I don't know what was more awesome; Melina's Canadian Destroyer or the article. Great Job!
    

    Posted by Tru Reazon on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

11. Comment #11

    If you wonder why Regal has so much god to say about CM Punk - He is/was training him (if Wiki is reliable)
    
    BTW good article esp. how you shortened up Cenas segment. good work.

    Posted by Arney the Ghost on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

12. Comment #12

    That was an awesome review, one of the greatest NEW raws i have ever seen was tonight. Every loves the last GIF, so i guess imma jump on the bandwagon because that was one of the funniest i have ever seen xD FALCON PUNCH!!! well, "Posted by Some Guy who fought the Big Show TWICE on Wednesday, November 26, 2008" I see that people are using my old name now, but whatever. xD well, you rock vince and have fun.
    
    -Lord Satan (Formerly known as Some Guy Who Fought The Big Show Once *lol*)

    Posted by Lord Satan on Friday, November 28, 2008

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