Monday Night Vince-Stigation 12/1/08

Hello destitute public. Your GOD (I hope I offend you) who art in Connecticut has had his dog neutered in the last week, what have you done with YOUR lives? One this wrong with our world this week: I forgot the comment of the week last Monday, and you jack-holes didn’t even remind me.  Well, I’ll do the same this week – because every comment last week basically said I was better than ever and that the Philadelphia baseball team sucks eggs. Pre-show run-through:

~JBL wants to be cheered? Or someone else to be boo’d.

~Mike Knox gets meaner and hairier every week, in search of his mid-card cushion.

~Kane hates the crowd.

 Think on it. ANYVEY. Tonight's RAW kicks off with a video showing John Cena winning the World Heavyweight Title at Survivor Series and how Chris Jericho became the #1 contender the following night on RAW. We see Cena beating up Jericho at the end of the show.

- We cut to the arena where Jericho and security are in the concessions area of the arena. Jericho talks to Cena and makes his way to the ring. Jericho says he hired the security to keep the people away from him. Jericho says he doesn't respect any of Cena's fans or like them. They aren't like him. Jericho continues to down the fans as he heads through the crowd to the ring.

Jericho goes on a rant about how his son became a WWE, and thus, John Cena fan. When Jericho says he cut his kid off from watching it he gets heavy boos, and retorts as always, with the “He’s the only one worth saving, you are scum” thing.  And LO-N-BE-WHOLED- 10 MINUTES into RAW, we get the opening video.

- Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler welcome us to RAW and talk about Cena's match tonight with Kane and the Intercontinental Title tournament matches.

IC Title Tournament Match: Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz
Out first is Rey Mysterio to a huge pop from the crowd in DC. As Rey walks down the ramp, Mike Knox appears in front of the ring and just stares Rey down. Rey charges Knox and gets pushed back. Rey slips and falls off the corner of the ramp and Knox attacks him, working over the arm. The referee sends Knox to the back as Rey holds his arm and we cut to commercial break.

- We're backstage with Todd Grisham who asks Stephanie McMahon about Rey's condition. She says he has torn some ligaments in his elbow. Layla walks up and says Rey should be out of the tournament. Stephanie agrees and walks off.

NEWSBREAK! Stephanie looked great a week ago, but a news report here said she still had to lose weight. I didn’t believe it at first, but in the outfit she chose for national TV, she looked like a grandma.

CM Punk and Kofi Kingston vs. Cody Rhodes and Manu (w/ size 4 women’s black tights)
The World Tag Team Champions are out first separately for this non-title match. Out next are Cody and Manu. Punk and Cody start the match and work the mat before Kofi gets tagged in. Cody drops Kofi and brings in Manu. Big shoulder by Manu puts Kofi back down.

Kofi dumps Manu to the floor and comes over the ropes landing on him. Cody runs over and works over Kofi while the referee is distracted. Manu brings Kofi back in the ring as we cut to yet another commercial break.

Back from commercial and Punk is going at it with Cody. Manu comes in and they double team Punk, dropping him hard on the mat. Big slam by Manu and he nails a headbutt for a 2 count on Punk. Manu stomps on Punk now as Cody comes back in for some double teaming. Drop toe hold by Cody and he locks on a surfboard variation on Punk. Punk breaks loose and tries to tag Kofi but Cody levels him with a lariat for a 2 count.

Manu comes back in and nails a huge running splash on Punk's backside in the corner for another 2 count. Manu continues to stomp and kick on Punk. Scoop slam and Cody is tagged back in. Cody drops a knee on Punk and mounts him for a series of right hands. 2 count by Cody. Cody drops more knees in Punk's side. Manu is tagged back in for a bit more double teaming. Right hand by Manu. Punk tries to fight back with kicks now and he does. Sunset flip attempt by Punk is blocked. Manu misses a big back drop as Punk tries to get the tag. Cody gets tagged in and stops the tag. Punk puts a knee in Cody's face and in comes Kofi. Kofi hits a bunch of high flying moves on Cody and nails the right hand off the top. Kofi with the big leg drop for a 2 count on Cody as Manu makes the save.

Punk comes in and takes out Manu with a bulldog. Cody tries to roll up Kofi from the back but catches the big kick for the pinfall and the win.

Winners: CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. – Hear ye hear ye, this tag team sucks the sourest eggs from the blackest container of pickled foods. They are fantastic performers alone but as this year’s break out World and IC Champions, respectively, they should be pushed as such. But I enjoyed the match. Tee hee.

- As Cody and Manu make their way to the back, we cut to Randy Orton watching everything on the monitor looking pissed off. Or happy…

- Back from commercial and we get another DX-mas (I COINED THAT TERM, ME ME ME!) segment with HBK and HHH as DX. This time they're pushing the Elimination Chamber figure play set.

They (mostly HBK) rant on about how it has 40 pieces, and how it’ll be a pain in the ass to put together, when eventually his kid will just want to play in the damned box. (It’s a big box!)



- Backstage we see Cody Rhodes and Manu walking. They come up on Randy Orton. Cody tells Orton he didn't see him win anything last week. Orton says they were on the same team at Survivor Series and they won. Orton says he saw potential in Cody then. Orton says he knows they respect him. Orton says tonight they should take the first step in realizing their collective potential. Orton says if they're interested, he will be in his locker room.

- Chris Jericho is backstage pondering something. He’s going to someone’s locker room; I wonder who it is… no door, ominous red glow, sweaty smell inside… 

Kane sees through an attempted Jericho mind game, because he has a degree in English, duh. (See rivalry with Rey Mysterio in which Kane “Figuratively Eviscerated” his opponent.

 And he claims he LOVES these people that Y2J belittles, and they love him right back. Huge pop.
- We see a clip of Shane and Stephanie McMahon getting into it last week on RAW.

Jillian Hall (w/ piss break) vs. Melina
Jillian is in the ring singing when Melina's music hits and out she comes for her first singles match since being injured.

Out of nowhere Santino Marella's music hits and out he comes with the WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix. That noob diva is in the crowd again with a "GLAMAZON" sign. Beth and Santino sit down for commentary as Melina and Jillian lock up in the ring. Jillian knocks Melina to the apron and to the floor.

Melina is back in the ring now but Jillian nails a big side slam for a 2 count. Jillian mounts Melina from the back and tries to make her submit. Jillian finally breaks the hold and continues to bully Melina. Jillian misses the handspring in the corner and Melina turns it into a 2 count. Melina fights back and nails a jawbreaker and some kicks and punches. Melina nails her Last Call rolling powerbomb finisher on Jillian for the pinfall and the win.

Winner: Melina. I’d roll her powerbomb any day. Had enough with the innuendo? I’ll in YOUR endo. Okay, I didn’t really take a pee break, I switched over to Scrubs for a minute.

After the match Santino tries to imitate Melina’s entrance, and winds up selling a pretty-good looking split before collapsing into a groin-ravaged heap. I would believe him if he said it really got him… down there… 

- Back from commercial and Santino Marella is backstage enjoying ice on his balls. Goldust comes up from behind and tells him he's glad he was enjoying it. Santino screeches and runs off realizing it wasn't Beth trying to soothe him.

*Inhaaaaale*, GWAH!

Street Fight: JBL vs. Shawn Michaels
JBL comes out dressed in his suit, taking his tie off as he heads in. JBL says last week he made an offer to Shawn Michaels and he didn't give him an answer. So tonight, he's challenged him to a street fight. JBL asks for HBK's answer. HBK's music hits and out he comes dressed to fight in street clothes.


JBL tells the ref to shut up, and talks to HBK about Wall Street… and he knows things. He knows that Shawn’s assets were virtually wiped out, no retirement, no 401(k) or anything is left.

He tells the crowd to stuff it, and makes Shawn an offer he can’t refuse, after some intense screaming. Shawn has the option of kicking JBL’s face inward like everyone wants to see, or accepting the offer to make sure his kids can go to college. HBK turns EVIL, because he can’t pull the trigger, and must provide for his children. He is BOOOOO’d. The man who innovated the ladder match, boo, Hell in a Cell innovator, boo, Ric Flair’s best friend, boo, Royal Rumble record holder, boo.

This just shows how awesome JBL is.
- Backstage we see Batista making his way to the ring as we go back to commercial.

Batista vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ I’M …DOLPH …ZZZIGLAR!)
Batista comes out first to a huge pop from the hometown crowd. We see his family and daughters at ringside. Out next is Dolph Ziggler, making his RAW in-ring debut. Dolph enters the ring and takes a mic. Dolph introduces himself. His name... is Dolph Ziggler. The bell rings and Batista looks on, smiling. Dolph extends his hand to Batista. Dolph tells Batista his name again and slaps him. Batista unloads and Dolph fights back. Batista comes after him and he ducks out to the floor. Batista goes to the floor and Dolph hits the ring. ZIGGLAAAAAR KICK!

 Not exactly the same, as an ENZAGURIRAH KICKAH, but the same principle applies when someone is on the ring apron. Batista fights back and they go in the ring. Dolph with a nice neckbreaker move (It was all backwards but looked painful) for a 2 count. Dolph drops a series of elbows and looks impressive against Batista. Another 2 count by Dolph. Batista catches him with a big boot. Dolph jumps over Batista's spear and works over Batista in the corner now. Dolph kicks at Batista in the knee and knocks him down. Batista catches Dolph in mid-air LOOKING PISSED. Batista nails the Batista Bomb and gets the pinfall for the win. Little does Batista know this was just as set up for Dolph’s finishing move, the “I’M DOLPH ZIGGGALAAR!”
Winner: Batista

As Batista celebrates, Randy Orton's music hits. Orton talks about facing Batista. The Animal says he talked to Stephanie today and at Armageddon, it will be them two in a singles match. Orton says he has been waiting on this match for years. Batista's music hits and he celebrates as Orton looks on.

- Backstage we see Chris Jericho trying to boost Randy Orton up and question which side he is on. Jericho tells him to think about Cena as he walks off.

IC Title Tournament Match: John Morrison (w/ handsome rugged features) vs. Finlay (w/ midget music)
Out first is John Morrison, representing ECW on RAW tonight. We see Layla backstage on the phone with William Regal. She says she spoke to Stephanie and she agreed with them and thinks that it will be a success. Out next is Finlay with Hornswoggle.

Finlay and Morrison lock up and hit the mat. Big uppercut by Finlay knocks Morrison back down. Morrison drags Finlay to the mat and drops elbows to the face from the outside. Finlay gets a 2 count. Finlay rams Morrison into the turnbuckle and goes to the second rope. Morrison with a kick to the face for a 2 count. Morrison beats Finlay down in the corner now and kicks him in the face. Morrison with a submission on the mat.

Finlay breaks the hold but Morrison drops him with a neck breaker. Morrison steps on Finlay's midsection and goes to the top. Finlay clubs him from the back and tosses him to the mat. 2 count by Finlay. Morrison with a boot to the face but Finlay levels him with three clotheslines and a big elbow for a 2 count. Finlay clotheslines Morrison to the floor and distracts the ref. Morrison decks Hornswoggle and sends him flying. Finlay is now distracted and Morrison kicks him into the steel steps. Back in the ring now and Morrison drops Finlay into the ropes. Morrison with a big kick to the back of the head for the pinfall and the win.
Winner: John Morrison. – Like you’d have pushed Finlay, Glide? *SLAP* 

- Stephanie McMahon's music hits and out she comes looking like Grandma Vince. She says last week she took over RAW and will make it bigger and better. She announces the nominees for the Superstar of the Year for next week's Slammy Awards. Superstar of the Year: Edge, Batista, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Triple H, John Cena
She also announces the following matches for next week: Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy, John Cena vs. Edge and Triple H vs. Batista.

¿Que es eso? No Undertaker! No Kane! No Big Show! No Matt Hardy! No DOLPH-ZIGGLER!

- Back to commercial.

IC Title Tournament Match: The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio (w/ hard knocks from Knox)
The Miz comes out first for this IC tournament match. We cut to quick commercial and Rey Mysterio makes his way out with his arm bandaged.This is the final opening round match of the tourney.

Miz grabs Rey's hurt arm and goes to work on it as soon as the bell rings. Rey fights him off and nails the 619 early on. Rey misses a splash from the top rope and is down. Miz comes over now and works over Rey's arm and back. Miz puts Rey on the top rope. Rey fights back with rights and knocks Miz to the floor. Miz gets up and pulls Rey from the top by his arm. 2 count by Miz.

Miz hits the bronco buster move but Rey kicks him in the face. Rey with a cross body off the rope but Miz catches him and gets another 2 count. Miz with another 2 count and Rey gets one of his own. They trade pins again. Rey kicks Miz in the face for a 2 count. Rey kicks at Miz's legs. Miz catches Rey in the air and drops him on his face. Miz goes for the neck breaker but Rey counters it and rolls him up for the pinfall and the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio. Gosh, the only thing that could make this night worse is if John Cena scored a win over Kane that made Kane look like Snitsky… I’ve tempted fate, and fate typically hates me.

- Backstage we see Kane making his way to the ring for the main event as we go to commercial break.

Kane vs. John Cena
Back from commercial and Kane makes his way to the ring first. Cena's music hits and out comes the World Heavyweight Champion to a pretty nice pop from the DC fans. Cena hits the ring, runs the ropes as Kane looks on.

Kane backs Cena in the corner to start the match and beats him to the mat.  Then the show ends. If I understand correctly, 4 men made Cena cry after Kane chokeslammed Cena off the titantron through tables that were stacked with his family members?



Post-show run-through (Compare this with pre-show) ~Shawn Michaels is now NOT being cheered.~Mike Knox continues his hairy assaults.~Kane loves the people.  And Viva Vince.

Comments

1. Comment #1

   you can't see me from john cena he is at my house

   Posted by clip on Friday, December 05, 2008

2. Comment #2

   john cena's at my house he sail that he can fu any one in the earth he is playing my new smackdown vs raw 2009 he is playing agenst him self vs kane and chis jerico in a handcap match and he won.

   Posted by clip on Friday, December 05, 2008

3. Comment #3

   The Todd reference FTW!

   Posted by The Glide on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

4. Comment #4

   I remember everything but that last match, what happended to the post match 'assault' so to speak by Suit Jericho and Orton's De-volution

   Posted by Sean Ryker on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

5. Comment #5

   As much of a jeff hardy fan as i am, his place should be given to Matt. who this year, got a huge pop at wrestle mania (which he attended) got his first united states run, got the first BIG (in theory) title of his career, has certainly help keep ECW afloat.
   
   And jeff has had... some nice fueds? And failed to win a big title, thinking of it has he won a middle rung title after he got caught doing drugs and suspended.
   
   in short, Matt's year has been MUCH better then Jeff's

   Posted by Wolfie on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

6. Comment #6

   Little too long, but I guess there was a bunch goin' on, not to bad; B

   Posted by EdgeHead on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

7. Comment #7

   "Well, I’ll do the same this week – because every comment last week basically said I was better than ever and that the Philadelphia baseball team sucks eggs." - Vince
   
   

   Posted by The Philadelphia Phighter on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

8. Comment #8

   I don't remember there being family members on the tables? if i remember it correctly, they were just stacked with no one on them.

   Posted by R.U.Sty on Thursday, December 04, 2008

9. Comment #9

   And as for Finlay and Morrison, I'd push both. But clearly Morrison was the right man to win this match.
   
   Now would you friggin' give him back? It's hard to have good shows without the Shaman of Sexy. :)

   Posted by The Glide on Thursday, December 04, 2008

10. Comment #10

    what about the end? ortons ddt on cena off the entrance ramp and jerichos liontamer/walls of jericho on cena? that what the only part worth watching!

    Posted by azuzu on Thursday, December 04, 2008

11. Comment #11

    I agree with Wolfie.
    I suspect that Matt Hardy should win a major belt, and Jeff should have a go at the ECW belt.

    Posted by Annachie on Thursday, December 04, 2008

12. Comment #12

    Oh god azuzu, Cena's tv redebut match was pretty much a fail against Kane, the ringwork was horrendous on his end. This coming from one of the guys who defends him.
    
    and then he was beaten out of the ring up to the titantron, he fights off Cody and Manu, I forget where face-Kane had vanished to, but it was discreet to his faceness is still intact. They beat him into Randy's arms so he can DDT Cena's head into the ramp from the outside, yeah. Then Jericho locks him into that kickass 2.0 Walls of Jericho, and the close-ups on Cena ruin that too, with the lug switching between screaming a little bit and falling unconscious, like he couldn't decide. DX

    Posted by Paladin on Thursday, December 04, 2008

13. Comment #13

    STU PITT I SHALL DISMANTLE YOU LIKE A CRAPPY IKEA CABINET!

    Posted by AZUZU on Saturday, December 06, 2008

14. Comment #14

    hey thats bull matt hardy is my favorite wrestler but Wolfie ur wrong jeffs carear is going great extreme momenent of the year anddddd he is wwe champ but ya matt hardy nice try against vladamire kozlov i hate that russian

    Posted by Iamkilla on Wednesday, December 17, 2008

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