Monday Night Vince-stigation for 07/06/09

Hello, destitute public. It’s been awhile and hopefully you don’t remember me, because I sure don’t remember you. That’s what alcohol is for.

This RAW marks the most confusing week in WWE history. RAW, SmackDown, and Superstars have all been pre-recorded for the next 2 or 3 weeks, ECW is on a Thursday, and WWE is somehow simultaneously touring Japan, Honolulu, and Australia.

Anywho, Lilian (or her doppelganger created by the WWE corporate monster to feign having her in 2 places at once) gets on the mic and says some words as I stare at her chest.

Suddenly Ted Dibiase, (no, the REAL Ted Dibiase) comes out as this week’s guest host.

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.” – King, as Ted’s laugh echoes throughout the arena.

He announces that Y2J and Edge have to face *looks around*… LEGACY.

So at this point in the show, Ted Sr. has been Face-Heel.

He talks about Mark Henry, and Cody Rhodes agrees that he should be punished for what he did to Randy Orton on the last RAW. Big Ted turns to Cody and says it’ll be Mark Henry vs…. YOU!

Cody gets this look on his face like “DO NOT WANT!” while Ted Jr. tries to reason with him. The interim GM looks at his son and in so many words, tells him that Randy Orton lacks talent and needs people to support him, so bada bing bada boom, Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. RKO is one of tonight’s main events.

Just for reference, Ted Sr. has been Face-Heel-Face.

“BAAAHAHAHAHA ~ Money-Money-Money”

Out now for their match are Rated Y2J (are we calling them that now?) for a non-title rematch vs. The Colons.

I’ve got to agree with Wrestlezone.com’s opinion that this match was nothing like last week’s show that these teams put on.

Long story short, Carlito was pinned by Edge, got pissed, and tossed his brother into the announce table. Fans Boo’d Carlito. And his hair.

I’m not going to rate this match. It didn’t feel like a match.

*-Diva’s Match-*

Cody Rhodes comes into Ted Sr.’s office with a wad of cash. DiBiase is very talkative:

“Come on in Cody, sit down, get your nails done? Nah, she’s no good anyway, stand up! State your business.”

After stuttering out a few compliments, Rhodes gets out that he doesn’t want to face Mark Henry… Legacy is about family, then the classic Ted DiBiase hatred brings back some awesome memories.

“I HATE … THE COMMON MAN. I HATE… DUSTY RHODES, that the fact that.. that that that fat blond-headed gyrating worm is in the Hall of Fame..”

Well, you get it. Good stuff. Ted takes Cody’s bribe and says “It isn’t enough anyway.”

Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Rhodes is out to what has got to be the third or fourth Legacy theme song in as many months, and in a few seconds he learns that somebody gonna get they ass beat.

The crowd doesn’t pop as loudly for Mark as last week, but they ARE standing up for him. Face turn = successful.

After a few minutes the World’s Strongest (Wettest) Slam persuades Cody into running away and losing by countout. I’ve always been a fan of Mark Henry no matter what you say. He’s got great agility and some mic skills to boot. Putting him ABOVE Legacy is a huge step in the right direction. The match? Not so exciting. 3.5 / 10 …uh.. rating units.

Next up! Randy Orton (finally without a microphone) vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.

Randy puts Ted in a rest lock as soon as the match starts? The fans make a small DiBiase chant, and he fights out of it. Teddy has something to prove; as he decks Randy with a right hand and doesn’t stop the relentless assault until Orton is dropkicked out of the ring.

RKO has a look of surprise on his face as we fade to commercial break, but we’re not on TV, Soooo…

RKO has DiBiase in ANOTHER rest headlock. Michael Cole rambles on, almost breaking kayfabe by saying Ted’s father is the greatest villain in history. Meanwhile Randy stomps some holes into DiBiase Jr.

After a quick relay of pinning maneuvers, Orton manages to hit his patented 2nd rope DDT, and to his dismay, it only earns him a 2 count. Orton is about to finish it but his RKO gets countered, and frustration sets in. Orton charges DiBiase and runs right into a powerslam for a 2 ½ count.

 Another quick exchange, and it inevitably leads to an RKO, and a clean win for The Viper. One of the only matches on the article that actually requires a description. These two could have done a lot more, but it’s better than what the WWE machine usually pumps out. 6.5/10.

Orton gives Ted a look, then a quick point of the finger, like a sign of respect.

Backstage Triple H does an interview, about how this is supposedly the biggest main event RAW has ever seen, because WWE likes to forget things before 2005.

It’s time for the MVP VIP lounge, ---  big things poppin, little things stoppin.

And MVP is all about that cash money, and although he respects Ted DiBiase, tonight’s news is Jack Swagger, RAW’s most monumental pickup since they tore apart ECW at the 2008-2009 drafts.

MVP asks Jack a question and Jack cuts him off, so MVP lays the verbal smackdown on him.

“I realize you’re DROOLING to get an anshwer out, --- but this is my VIP lounge.”

It led to some dialogue.

“I am a 2-time, 2-time All-American, and I went to Oklahoma U, do you know what that means?”

“You couldn’t get into a better school?”

Jack ith upthet about thith poor choith of wordth, so he brings up MVP’s criminal past. (He served like 9 ½ years of a 16 year sentence for armed robbery)

MVP says that:

A)    They’re different because Swagger never went to jail, which is good.

B)     They’re different because Swagger backs down from fights, which in the WWE, is very, very, bad.

They stare down each other and we head into the GM office.

The DiBiases are arguing.

Ted Jr. says that he’s just been set up to fail, against impossible odds, and he thinks it’s still all about the original million dollar man, and after some more brief dialogue, Teddy lays the biggest slap I’ve ever seen down on his dad’s face. I think he made a WWE Legend cry.

Evan Bourne vs. Kofi Kingston – Oh Boy!

I was expecting a lot out of these two, although the first 5 minutes of the match were wrestling holds and – no… wait, the match only lasted 3 minutes.

There were a few good spots in the last sequence of moves, including the patented SSP, (Bourne won by the way), but they could have done so much more. 3.5/10.

In all fairness, I think it was just to set up for THE BIG SHOW rumbling out to decimate both of them. He speared Evan Bourne so hard, I’m surprised his skin didn’t come off. Yeah, Big Show, using a spear. He put Kofi into a camel clutch backbreaker, same thing as with Cena, then lumbered away.

**Did you know? World Wrestling Entertainment has a bigger fanbase than these three strictly American sports, combined?**

Back from commercial:

Cena says he has an epic battle with Triple H, and you know me, I’m so excited that I don’t even take my 6th Excedrin PM of the evening, because I soooo want to see this next event.

Trips is out first, and Cena is out fifth. Eddie Guerrero was out nineteenth. Paying attention?

Because I wasn’t. At first.

The match was better than I thought because of the activeness of the crowd; it was like a big-atmosphere boxing match. But the moves were tired, and Legacy came out to hurt both HHH and Cena.

Holy crap, I didn’t see that coming! I wonder what the solution will be… a triple threat? You'd think the bad guys would figure out that when you interrupt a number one contenders' match that the General Manager will always make it harder for the champion with a Triple Threat, but alas...

Raw Main Event Rating – 2/10

RAW OVERALL – 5/10

Some things to consider-

-         Ted DiBiase Sr.’s final scorecard for the evening was Heel-Face-Heel-Face-Face-Face

-         When Ted Jr. said IMPOSSIBLE to Ted Sr., I swear the tuft of hair from his wig nearly blew off his head. I swear to the authenticity of this statement. Youtube it.

-         If this RAW main event had taken place at the Hammerstein ballroom, Triple H and Cena would be dead right now.

-         If this RAW main event had been allowed to FINISH and the 3-way match was made, Philadelphia would cease to exist… only a large hole in the ground, and the wind would whisper… same old ****….same old ****

-         I’m back, which means there’s a reason to read again. I birth thee from the dark ages.

Viva Vince.

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