Monday Night Vince-stigation for 07/13/09

Hello, destitute public. Let’s run down the numbers.

7. - The number of days I’ve been back.

3. - The number of articles that I’ve been mentioned in, in the last week.

618. - The number of views last week’s article got, beating every other around it.

17. - The number of people that agree I’m great.

1. - The number of times someone out of that 17, who wasn’t me, pretty much called me delicious.

Monday Night Vince-Stigation.

It’s a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to poop your pants and giggle because no one’s around.

YESSIR, we’ve promised you a great main event tonight…

It’s time to play the game, because out first thing is Triple H, and the live crowd is absolutely nuts tonight. He cuts to it, and introduces tonight’s guest host, TV legend (Yeah I said legend) Seth Green.

Seth is out to a big pop, using “Welcome to the Jungle”. Not only does he have his own titantron video, he has a graphic that pops up in the pixels under the titantron. TV Legend.

He shows us a clip from an upcoming Robot Chicken episode that features Triple H.

There is more blood, swearing, and innuendo in this segment than has been allowed on RAW in the last 2 years.

“Dakota Fanning is in the building and DAMN she looks pissed!”

Dakota hits the Dakota-nator on Triple H, but then John Cena helps to double team her and beat her senseless.

After a few more jokes at Randy Orton’s expense, like “he has no genitalia” (which I disagree with by the way, you can see them every week because of his ring attire) he comes out to a big ovation from the crowd.

Words are exchanged, and Seth Green, who is about 5 foot nothing, gets in Randy Orton’s face… or chest, and tells him it’ll be Legacy vs. John Cena, Triple H, and himself!

It should be noteworthy that during this segment the first thing out of Seth’s mouth was about making a 6 Diva swimsuit tag match.

“Of course, it would be to ..uh.. display, their, uh. Athletic ability!”

Triple H agrees, and adds “Why else would we on Monday Night Raw have women dress up scantily clad and roll around on each other?”

Swimsuit match.

I’m not going to pretend to know or care who all was in it, but Mickie James and Gail Kim made my night.

I went to go get a paper towel halfway through the match, and when I got back Mickie James got DDT’d and her limp…jiggly…body… fell to the ground, and she was pinned seductively.

Winners: Team HEEL – It was the only Diva’s match in about a year that I’ve watched. Good stuff. For divas. 3/10.

On the titantron, Chris Jericho seems hellbent on getting his ass kicked, by letting Seth Green know that everything he’s ever done has been for stupid people. It’s getting to the point where… honestly, if someone acted this aggressive in real life, someone would think he’s special.

My mentally deficient aunt used to be that way. Lighten up Chris.

Mike “The Miz” Mizanin vs. Primo Colon

Primo wants to call out Carlito, instead he gets the Miz, who again, tells it like it is. He says Primo is the unwanted brother. The reject. The one who always fails at tope rope hurricanrannas.

 Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the FAILRANNA – and about 2 weeks ago Primo did one.

It was nothing to write home about, the actual match I mean. Carlito came out and just to be sure he was a heel, distracted Primo so Miz could hit his finisher, and bada bing bada boom.

Miz defeats Primo Colon. – Miz needs a new finisher, no matter how well the opponent sells a neckbreaker. Mike Knox and make it work. Even Morrison made it work. Alas, Miz is not huge enough and/or can not fly like Morrison. 4/10

After the match, Carlito roughs up his brother and spits a wad of apple in his face. Only it was more like 60% saliva…

The camera zooms in on Carlito and in the last week he’s grown A STEREOTYPICAL EVIL GOATEE.

When you comment this, say “+5 for team Vince” if you noticed it too.

Seth Green is one of the few people that Hornswoggle can have an eye-to-eye conversation with. Seth talks about Horny’s various wins and humiliations over cruiserweights like Chavo Guerrero, and that elicits positive grunts from the midget.

In fact, we all enjoy seeing the legendary nephew of Eddie Guerrero to be ashamed so much, tonight he will face Hornswoggle with his arm tied behind his back.

Hornswoggle cheers, gets sad, taps Seth on the back and runs away, I let one rip, and Big Show comes in.

Big Show says if Seth wants advice for his match tonight, watch what he does to Evan Bourne, a man of comparable size. Then he bursts into this really bad impression (Well he can’t help it, he has the voice of Dr. Girlfriend + The Jolly Green Giant) of Dr. Evil and his whole ONE MILLION DOLLARS routine.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

Sorry for not going into much detail in these matches, but for the love of GI Joe, there is nothing to write home about. Nothing that we haven’t seen before between these two.

Swagger smashes Porter with an amateur wrestling move, then Porter pimp slaps Swagger.

It ends when Jack Swagger catches MVP’s arm on the ropes, furthering the pain he caused already during the match… so much so, that Jack is able to stroll back in and hit the “Doctor Bomb?”, his gutwrench powerbomb, for the 3-count.

Winner: Jack Swagger. – The upside is, Jack isn’t being buried on RAW. The downside is, I couldn’t make any lisp jokes this week and still have self-respect. 4/10.

After a break Jericho makes his way to the ring with a folder, but to be more sexy, let’s called it a dossier, in his hand.

He says Edge is like Achilles, mighty - sure, but, alas, weak in the ankle.

He flips right around and says he KNEW Edge was the weaker man of the team, and he has a contractual statement saying that he can choose a new tag team partner.

Mark Henry comes out and the fans are confuzzled, even the announcers seem to think the face turn is over, because Y2J and Henry are both smiling.

Y2J compliments Henry saying that he’s just the guy he had in mind, and Mark wraps his arm around Jericho’s back like an old pal just to say that he’s here tonight… as an opponent.

Now, this is what happened. The look on Chris Jericho’s face went from cautious optimism to a look I’ve only seen on a man’s face 3 times before in my life. 2 of those men are dead, and the other guy wound up soiling his pants. I mean, dead guys soil their pants too, but, you understand.

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

This wasn’t an official match at first, but Seth Green made it so. (What did I tell you?)

Mark beats the living crap out of Jericho only to have Chris roll out of the ring a couple times. After getting roughed up some more, and stripped of everything but his tie, (he looked like a male dancer) Jericho fled the scene and lost by countout.

Side note. According to Jerry Lawler, to strip a man the way Henry did takes talent.

Mark Henry defeats Y2J. – Henry’s last 3 opponents are the biggest heels in the business, but he squashed one and the others ran away. A face turn is supposed to be a little more exciting. If the next one loses by a 10-count, I’m going to declare this face turn dead. Match rating: 2/10.

After the match Mark Henry plays maestro for the crowd, which I already mentioned tonight is a surprisingly good crowd. They cheer and stop at Henry’s command. Soon enough he’ll be more powerful than Stephen Colbert.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Hornswoggle won.

Hornswoggle defeats Chavo Guerrero.

BREAKING NEWS, Seth Green is now WWE’s top face. Because Randy Orton said…

“Leave Seth Green to me… I WANT him…” and looked at the camera.

We learn that Dusty Rhodes, the AMERICAN DREAM, the man’s man, is going to be the host next week, so we can only guess who’ll be the one to slap him. My money’s on Cody Rhodes. Anyone praying Goldust surprises us?

LEGACY vs. HHH, Cena, Seth Green

The losers: All WWE fans.

Anyway, it was an okay RAW. Seth Green for the mostpart kept me entertained, but the matches were all of wrestling camp quality. =(

RAW’s Overall: 3/10

Some things to consider-

-         They really should stop airing that thing at the beginning, where they promised us a great main event 25 years ago. It’s hard to honor, apparently.

-         The Dakota-nator is freaking sick.

-         Dare I say, if a DDT is enough to knock out a woman and win a Diva’s match, why bother with anything else?

-         You will ALL mark out next week if Primo hits… or uh… “doesn’t” hit, a FAILRANNA.

-         I miss Goldust.

-         You miss Goldust.

-         I would never use the word “alas” in any of my writing. If you see it, it wasn’t me.

Viva Vince.