Monday Night Vince-stigation for 07/13/09

Hello, destitute public. Let’s run down the numbers.

7. - The number of days I’ve been back.

3. - The number of articles that I’ve been mentioned in, in the last week.

618. - The number of views last week’s article got, beating every other around it.

17. - The number of people that agree I’m great.

1. - The number of times someone out of that 17, who wasn’t me, pretty much called me delicious.

Monday Night Vince-Stigation.

It’s a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to poop your pants and giggle because no one’s around.

YESSIR, we’ve promised you a great main event tonight…

It’s time to play the game, because out first thing is Triple H, and the live crowd is absolutely nuts tonight. He cuts to it, and introduces tonight’s guest host, TV legend (Yeah I said legend) Seth Green.

Seth is out to a big pop, using “Welcome to the Jungle”. Not only does he have his own titantron video, he has a graphic that pops up in the pixels under the titantron. TV Legend.

He shows us a clip from an upcoming Robot Chicken episode that features Triple H.

There is more blood, swearing, and innuendo in this segment than has been allowed on RAW in the last 2 years.

“Dakota Fanning is in the building and DAMN she looks pissed!”

Dakota hits the Dakota-nator on Triple H, but then John Cena helps to double team her and beat her senseless.

After a few more jokes at Randy Orton’s expense, like “he has no genitalia” (which I disagree with by the way, you can see them every week because of his ring attire) he comes out to a big ovation from the crowd.

Words are exchanged, and Seth Green, who is about 5 foot nothing, gets in Randy Orton’s face… or chest, and tells him it’ll be Legacy vs. John Cena, Triple H, and himself!

It should be noteworthy that during this segment the first thing out of Seth’s mouth was about making a 6 Diva swimsuit tag match.

“Of course, it would be to ..uh.. display, their, uh. Athletic ability!”

Triple H agrees, and adds “Why else would we on Monday Night Raw have women dress up scantily clad and roll around on each other?”

Swimsuit match.

I’m not going to pretend to know or care who all was in it, but Mickie James and Gail Kim made my night.

I went to go get a paper towel halfway through the match, and when I got back Mickie James got DDT’d and her limp…jiggly…body… fell to the ground, and she was pinned seductively.

Winners: Team HEEL – It was the only Diva’s match in about a year that I’ve watched. Good stuff. For divas. 3/10.

On the titantron, Chris Jericho seems hellbent on getting his ass kicked, by letting Seth Green know that everything he’s ever done has been for stupid people. It’s getting to the point where… honestly, if someone acted this aggressive in real life, someone would think he’s special.

My mentally deficient aunt used to be that way. Lighten up Chris.

Mike “The Miz” Mizanin vs. Primo Colon

Primo wants to call out Carlito, instead he gets the Miz, who again, tells it like it is. He says Primo is the unwanted brother. The reject. The one who always fails at tope rope hurricanrannas.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the FAILRANNA – and about 2 weeks ago Primo did one.

It was nothing to write home about, the actual match I mean. Carlito came out and just to be sure he was a heel, distracted Primo so Miz could hit his finisher, and bada bing bada boom.

Miz defeats Primo Colon. – Miz needs a new finisher, no matter how well the opponent sells a neckbreaker. Mike Knox and make it work. Even Morrison made it work. Alas, Miz is not huge enough and/or can not fly like Morrison. 4/10

After the match, Carlito roughs up his brother and spits a wad of apple in his face. Only it was more like 60% saliva…

The camera zooms in on Carlito and in the last week he’s grown A STEREOTYPICAL EVIL GOATEE.

When you comment this, say “+5 for team Vince” if you noticed it too.

Seth Green is one of the few people that Hornswoggle can have an eye-to-eye conversation with. Seth talks about Horny’s various wins and humiliations over cruiserweights like Chavo Guerrero, and that elicits positive grunts from the midget.

In fact, we all enjoy seeing the legendary nephew of Eddie Guerrero to be ashamed so much, tonight he will face Hornswoggle with his arm tied behind his back.

Hornswoggle cheers, gets sad, taps Seth on the back and runs away, I let one rip, and Big Show comes in.

Big Show says if Seth wants advice for his match tonight, watch what he does to Evan Bourne, a man of comparable size. Then he bursts into this really bad impression (Well he can’t help it, he has the voice of Dr. Girlfriend + The Jolly Green Giant) of Dr. Evil and his whole ONE MILLION DOLLARS routine.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

Sorry for not going into much detail in these matches, but for the love of GI Joe, there is nothing to write home about. Nothing that we haven’t seen before between these two.

Swagger smashes Porter with an amateur wrestling move, then Porter pimp slaps Swagger.

It ends when Jack Swagger catches MVP’s arm on the ropes, furthering the pain he caused already during the match… so much so, that Jack is able to stroll back in and hit the “Doctor Bomb?”, his gutwrench powerbomb, for the 3-count.

Winner: Jack Swagger. – The upside is, Jack isn’t being buried on RAW. The downside is, I couldn’t make any lisp jokes this week and still have self-respect. 4/10.

After a break Jericho makes his way to the ring with a folder, but to be more sexy, let’s called it a dossier, in his hand.

He says Edge is like Achilles, mighty - sure, but, alas, weak in the ankle.

He flips right around and says he KNEW Edge was the weaker man of the team, and he has a contractual statement saying that he can choose a new tag team partner.

Mark Henry comes out and the fans are confuzzled, even the announcers seem to think the face turn is over, because Y2J and Henry are both smiling.

Y2J compliments Henry saying that he’s just the guy he had in mind, and Mark wraps his arm around Jericho’s back like an old pal just to say that he’s here tonight… as an opponent.

Now, this is what happened. The look on Chris Jericho’s face went from cautious optimism to a look I’ve only seen on a man’s face 3 times before in my life. 2 of those men are dead, and the other guy wound up soiling his pants. I mean, dead guys soil their pants too, but, you understand.

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

This wasn’t an official match at first, but Seth Green made it so. (What did I tell you?)

Mark beats the living crap out of Jericho only to have Chris roll out of the ring a couple times. After getting roughed up some more, and stripped of everything but his tie, (he looked like a male dancer) Jericho fled the scene and lost by countout.

Side note. According to Jerry Lawler, to strip a man the way Henry did takes talent.

Mark Henry defeats Y2J. – Henry’s last 3 opponents are the biggest heels in the business, but he squashed one and the others ran away. A face turn is supposed to be a little more exciting. If the next one loses by a 10-count, I’m going to declare this face turn dead. Match rating: 2/10.

After the match Mark Henry plays maestro for the crowd, which I already mentioned tonight is a surprisingly good crowd. They cheer and stop at Henry’s command. Soon enough he’ll be more powerful than Stephen Colbert.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Hornswoggle won.

Hornswoggle defeats Chavo Guerrero.

BREAKING NEWS, Seth Green is now WWE’s top face. Because Randy Orton said…

“Leave Seth Green to me… I WANT him…” and looked at the camera.

We learn that Dusty Rhodes, the AMERICAN DREAM, the man’s man, is going to be the host next week, so we can only guess who’ll be the one to slap him. My money’s on Cody Rhodes. Anyone praying Goldust surprises us?

LEGACY vs. HHH, Cena, Seth Green

The losers: All WWE fans.

Anyway, it was an okay RAW. Seth Green for the mostpart kept me entertained, but the matches were all of wrestling camp quality. =(

RAW’s Overall: 3/10

Some things to consider-

- They really should stop airing that thing at the beginning, where they promised us a great main event 25 years ago. It’s hard to honor, apparently.

- The Dakota-nator is freaking sick.

- Dare I say, if a DDT is enough to knock out a woman and win a Diva’s match, why bother with anything else?

- You will ALL mark out next week if Primo hits… or uh… “doesn’t” hit, a FAILRANNA.

- I miss Goldust.

- You miss Goldust.

- I would never use the word “alas” in any of my writing. If you see it, it wasn’t me.

Viva Vince.

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

+5 for team Vince You Rock!
Please mention me in your next article just for fun

Posted by Mexican Killa on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #2

I seriously miss Golddust, too.

Posted by "Chainsaw" Bruce Hunter on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #3

Good article, aside from one thing...ZZ Top are the guest hosts next week, NOT Dusty Rhodes. American Dream was just a false lead.

Posted by LaPlegua on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #4

Dude u are the funniest writer and this is a funny article, plus the "Horswoggle Won" was HILARIOUS, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

Posted by Bart Flyer on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #5

i heard that stone cold will come back after summerslam then the rock about 2 weeks after him.

and vince i think when henry said to jericho im your opponent i think jericho soiled himself then his facial changed

Posted by jordan31643 on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #6

Like usual good reading, good laughs.

P.S: is a shame you cant feud anymore against other articolists, MS would have been so could to be a feud partner

Posted by manuel taker on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #7

1rst

Posted by the bag on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #8

+10 for team vince (an extra 5 for the y2j looking like a male dancer comment)

Posted by The Dead Saint on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #9

Dude DO NOT STOP YOU r the BEST

Posted by Jesse on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #10

+5 for Team Vince
also, Mickie James = sexy. Just sayin'.

Posted by neuroticOne on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #11

Pretty good Vince. Yes, I do indeed miss Goldust.

Posted by Midwest Massacre (aka Carter Wright) on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #12

Missed the big show vs Bourne match and the priceless look on seth greens face when Big show as manhandling Bourne

Posted by Badderman on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #13

Mr. Indy! You edited my section about date rape and DDT's!

Posted by Vince on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #14

+5 for Team Vince! lol

Vince, I seriously love you and your work! I remember the day The Monday Night Vince-stigation went "off air." It was a sad sad day for TWG :(

Anyways, I'm happy that you're back for two weeks in a row! If you leave again, I'll kill ya! Just can't wait for next weeks article >.<

And yes, next week is going to be epic! ZZ Top is there!

GL Vince! And quit writing about date rape and DDT's in your articles so Mr. Indy doesn't edit them >.<

Juggalo J

Posted by Juggalo J on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #15

your so cocky when you don't realise you SUCK !!!!!!!!

Posted by ??? on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #16

Great article Vince and I loved the divas match too.

Posted by Jumpin'' Jack on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #17

good article

Posted by patsey crossin on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #18

You win TWG for the male dancer line.

Posted by The Glide on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #19

Loved the COlbert line, all hail colbert

Posted by Marion on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #20

Full of laughs, amazing freaking article.
You rock dude

Posted by The Darkness on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #21

I liked reading this article, and I agree, this week's matches hadn't that much to talk about, and also I agree with your comments on the robot chicken, it was the most graphic thing shown in the RAW show in years, and the Dakota-nator is plain sick.
Oh by the way +5 for team Vince
PS: hope there are more of that kind of diva matches =P

Posted by DClaw on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #22

+15 for team vince!(+5 for goatee, +5 for y2j looking like a male dancer, and +5 for admiring the sickness of the dakota-nator!)

Posted by Bobbito Garcia on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #23

I love you.

Grade: A

Posted by Edgehead on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #24

Soon enough heâ€™ll be more powerful than Stephen Colbert. - The Vince, who I believe was talking about himself in that statement, as Mark Henry is still fail to me. +5 for team vince, +12 for the use of Stephen Colbert. I got a bright picture of him as a Guest Host and it made my day.

Posted by Phighter on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Comment #25

Stephen Colbert as a guest Gm of Raw. Think about it.

Posted by Edgehead on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #26

Dude keep writing you are HILARIOUS!!! I laughed throught the entire thing. I hope they keep you as Raw reporter because you are very funny. Great article dude. XD

Posted by Colby Cash on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #27

First, you are freaking funny.
Second, The Dakota-nater is feaking awesome.
Third, Suit: $150,Pants:$75, Shoes: $175, Tie: $45, Planer $15, The look on Jerichos face when Mark Henry said he was jerichos opponent......Priceless.
Fourth,Colbert Rules.
Fifth, I miss Goldust.
Sixth, Colbert as GM.....AWESOME!!!
Seventh, You are Awesome.
Eighth, Divas Match.....Hot.
Ninth, +20 team vince.
Tenth and last, Keep it up.

Posted by Axel Steel on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #28

YOU SUCK

Posted by The Darkness on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #29

Good stuff.

Posted by Hairy Potter. on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #30

looking forward to seeing zz top next week

Posted by persona on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #31

You know whats sad though? In the main event... Seth Green was able to sell getting hit than the entire WWE Roster. Guess its to be expected, he is a great actor really. I'm a big fan of Seth's, but the whole time really it looked more like a life long fan who got the best seat in the house.

Posted by DanteSInferno on Thursday, July 16, 2009
Comment #32

Alas!

Posted by AJ Wacko on Friday, July 17, 2009
Comment #33

Awesome!

Posted by DaXtremist on Friday, July 17, 2009
Comment #34

good divas match liked mickie :)

Posted by cd on Friday, July 17, 2009
Comment #35

Wow, Slayer, Could you be more of a ass? I mean really. If you diden't like this don't read anymore of Vinces stuff btw hes got a sence of humor unlike you.

Posted by Darkness on Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comment #36

No, You suck, Vince Sucks, and the report Sucks

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comment #37

Your ausome man you the bomb

Posted by Raj on Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comment #38

wow now i have ppl pretending to be me your a joke buddy whoever used my name needs to get a life

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comment #39

lol I'm proud to be one of the Vinceheads

Posted by RockyVlad on Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comment #40

I find you funny, but there is something missing from your articles... now what is it? hmmm... oh yeah, i know, the matches...

But otherwise good :D

Posted by Crazy Steve on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #41

Yea man Peopleds needs to stopz makeins funz ofos me i r seriouzs this is seroius i amd seriolus you you cant stiop this i will hunt youdowne ad beat you dowSQUARE SQUIRRL SWEEEEETEWEWS

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #42

Thats...uh Interestig lol

Posted by Jacki on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #43

Slayer, dude come down

Posted by man Of steel on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #44

SHUT UP I AM OT EMO I DONT CUT MY WRISTS STOP IT STOPT IT AHAHAAHAHAHAHSAHSHJASJAHDAJASHJKAJK,

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #45

.......oooooooooooooooooook
+15 vince cus well your awesome

Posted by Axel Steel on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #46

lol jericho male stripper funny

Posted by SuperJeff on Sunday, July 19, 2009
Comment #47

Seriously guys, it's not funny anymore! Quit it! I'm telling my mommy!

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment #48

QUIT IT I HATE YOU ALL STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT IM JUST ONA CRAY AD JACK OFF TO THE JONAS BROHTERS WAAAAAAAAA

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment #49

Dam Legend dude you got some problems i thik your just blaming other people for your own problems trust me im a docter

Posted by Summer slammer on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment #50

o i will

Posted by The Legend Slayer on Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Monday Night Vince-stigation for 07/13/09

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

Comment #1

Comment #2

Comment #3

Comment #4

Comment #5

Comment #6

Comment #7

Comment #8

Comment #9

Comment #10

Comment #11

Comment #12

Comment #13

Comment #14

Comment #15

Comment #16

Comment #17

Comment #18

Comment #19

Comment #20

Comment #21

Comment #22

Comment #23

Comment #24

Comment #25

Comment #26

Comment #27

Comment #28

Comment #29

Comment #30

Comment #31

Comment #32

Comment #33

Comment #34

Comment #35

Comment #36

Comment #37

Comment #38

Comment #39

Comment #40

Comment #41

Comment #42

Comment #43

Comment #44

Comment #45

Comment #46

Comment #47

Comment #48

Comment #49

Comment #50

Leave a comment