Monday Night Vince-stigation for 08/03/09

Hello destitute public. The main event of last week’s Monday Night RAW was so sickening that it necessitated ignoring it completely. Just so you know.

Running down the numbers.

6. – The number of guest hosts on RAW so far.

5. – The number that have done a good job, and at least earned some respect by trying. I’m looking at you, ZZ Top.

1. – The number of Sgt. Slaughters that will be hosting next week.

And my favorite. 0. That’s ZERO. – The number of true heel hosts.

We are promised a great main event (I gently pantomime something nasty as they say this, because JUST A GUESS, it’ll involve Legacy and Cena) and here it comes.

Lilian Garcia talks about Jeremy Piven’s accolades for about 30 seconds before saying his name, just so we’re supposed to think he’s impressive. Because I was just like you when I heard who was going to be hosting: “Who the hell is that? A rap star?” Wikipedia saved the day though, when someone finally announced on a comment board around here that he was pretty famous.

Out he comes to some music BUT WAIT, he has that quirky Asian guy from his movie locked up in his trunk. They are the most annoying pair of hosts imaginable. They said things like “Yeah!”, “Woop Woop!”, and added suffixes like “iggity” and “shizzle” to about twice the amount of words that I could have put up with.

Just as I think that the Asian in the pimp outfit reminds me of the Miz, DOODLEY-DOODLEY-DOODLEY-DOOWAHWAH, the Miz’s trademark riff let’s us know he’s about to give us a piece of his mind. (Tell me if the sound effect was too much.)

Miz is upset about all the face-hosts like I am, and Cena comes out after Miz demands a match. Cena tells Jeremy Piven that Miz isn’t very good, then asks… “ehh.. He’s looking at us isn’t he?”

As fate would have it, the Wrestling Gods hate me, because after the comments about Miz’s talent irk me, Jeremy Piven announces that Cena WILL Face Miz tonight, in a lumberjack match, and if Miz loses, he will be banned from Staples Center, from RAW, and from the Summerfest.

The SUMMERFEST. I’m beginning to think that when WWE brings in an outside celebrity, they all just tell the camera “Oh sure, I’m a huge WWE fan.” Cena corrects him, and sums up the whole segment in 2 sentences.

Almost 20 minutes in, we have Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

They play a video of Evan Bourne pinning Swagger last week.

 “Jack is out to save a little face.” – The Announcers. REMEMBER THAT.

It’s a relatively quick match. Bourne shows us some impressive conditioning and athletic ability whilst Jack Swagger continues to prove to me that he IS he next Lesnar. He ran up to the 2nd rope and did a splash … well, it’s that thing that the Big Show always tries and misses. But he did it two times, and won the match with an impressive GutWrench Powerbomb.

Winner: Jack Swagger. – This is why you need to watch RAW. Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and… MVP – are the stars of 2010. This match is 6/10.

Swagger doesn’t stop the assault after the match and THIS brings out the aforementioned Montel Vontavious Porter. Jack runs out of the ring as MVP saves Evan Bourne. So, class, what did MVP do?

He SAVED A LITTLE FACE.

+10 for Team Pun.

Backstage, Jeremy Piven and his Asian friend are backstage with some hot chicks, and this 9 year-old Bruce Lee starts making fun of the Y2J-Big Show tag team, and of course, he backs into the Big Show, who is about 19 inches taller.

He gives Piven the S.O.S. (Figure it out yourself.) He says that he’s a heel and the face GM doesn’t respect him, and he wants to hurt the OTHER face GM, Shaq. Piven does some quick talking and sets up Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show for the United States Title. Fun fact: They did a poll on WWE.com and over 80% of people said Shaq would beat Big Show in a match.

Anyone else think that’s a crock? Shaq is big and bad and very athletic… but Show has so much mass behind him, and I doubt Shaq has ever bench-pressed 650 pounds. I always look at these sorts of things as shoot fights, not WWE matches. But still. Jeesh.

Triple H vs. Legacy w/o Orton

It’s just another one of those weeks. Triple H in a handicap match.

The good news is, this match was relatively short, and didn’t hog a bunch of time like HHH’s matches usually do. Legacy, using relatively clean tactics, gave Hunter a fight he’d never forget.

Ted’s Dream Street, then Cody’s CrossRhodes (is he spelling it that way to play off of his name? I seriously don’t know) and it’s night-night for The Game.

Winners: Legacy. Things have gotten a little better in this department. 6/10. Triple H’s match against the odds was actually short PLUS he didn’t even win! I loathe the way they use HHH, not the man himself, because….

After the match HHH gets on the mic and says “Oooow. Ouch. Jeeze… Damn, that hurt.”

After insinuating that Legacy has become too much to handle, he says that all he needs to do is make… one… phone…call… and then it’ll be time to SUCK IT. The crowd goes nuts, and we were ALL expecting to see HBK right then and there… at least a little bit.

Jeremy Piven and Chavo Guerrero engage in some unfunny antics about getting each other’s names wrong, and Jeremy puts “the little Hornboggler” in a normal match against Chavo – finally. Whatever God gave Chavo, he can use. No ropes, no blindfolds, etc.

Carlito vs. Primo

Carlito is out, and Primo is out. And guess what. I was right. The crowd is not as good as it has been in recent weeks, but you could tell they really didn’t give a crap about Primo.

Quick match, and I ALMOST thought Primo would hit a FAIL-RANNA, but he didn’t. He hit a normal head-scissors type of move. A good one. He was pretty skilled and hopefully his reputation can grow.

Carlito tried a Backcracker (I don’t care if you call it a BackStabber) and it was countered colorfully, but 10 seconds later hit it again.

Winner: Carlito. I hope this program is going somewhere, but you know it won’t. They wouldn’t put this on PPV like it NEEDS in order to gain exposure. 3/10.

Jeremy Piven comes on the screen before Chavo’s match (he’s already in the ring) and says Hornswoggle has Adult Chicken Pox and is unable to make it… so instead…

Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark-Swoggle.

“Way-Woah, Way-Woah, somebody gonna get they ass beat.”

Chavo jumps out of his shoes as Mark HenrySwoggle lumbers down to the ring wearing a red suit (faces change color schemes, just like Vlad Kozlov) and a Hornswoggle hat.

The match is about a minute long, and most of it was Mark-Swoggle carrying Chavo around the ring before the World’s Strongest Slam.

Winner: Mark-Swoggle. The match itself wasn’t great, so I won’t rate it, but this…

After the match, Horny comes out from under the ring, and the crowd chants “Tadpole!” So he hits his joke of a finisher on Chavo, and starts dancing around with Mark Henry. Normally, this would be enough for me to drive to the venue, jump the barricade, run backstage, and kick Jeremy Piven in the crotch.

But ONCE AGAIN, Mark Henry shaves.. I mean saves the show, by doing THE EPIC LEPRACHAUN HEEL CLICK. They show it again in slow motion, and Jumpin’ Tapdancing Jehosaphat, for a 400 pounder, Mark can move.

Backstage, Piven and the Asian thing are talking to RKO. Orton is offered a guest-announcer position or something for the Cena match, then threatens to punt someone’s head in, just like Vince McMahon’s.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show for the United States Championship

Big Show/Y2J’s tag team music is not a remix at all. It’s just 10 seconds of Big Show music and 10 seconds of Jericho music alternating. Big Show dominates the match. He even hits that move I talked about earlier that he never hits!

Kofi was able to get Show to his knees to hit his Trouble in Paradise kick, but it was only a 2-count. Then Big Show pummeled him into the corner as Y2J praised his boxing skills. The ref reached a count of 5 and Kofi retained via DQ. I never saw that coming!

Winner: Kofi Kingston by DQ, retains. I didn’t want to spoil this earlier in the article, but I could tell as soon as the match was made it would end via DQ. Don’t tell me the thought didn’t cross your mind. 1/10.

Backstage, Triple H is dialing a phone, so I guess he was pretty literal when talking to Legacy.

At this point in the article, I’m going to add a mini-game. Participate if you like. Listen – we can ALL assume it is Shawn Michaels he’s talking to, and knowing that HBK is a born-again Christian, this is how the conversation unfolded in my mind as it was happening on TV. (Put in your own words for fun.)

HHH: “So, did you see what happened to me man? You mean you weren’t watching?...Where are you?”

HBK: “At a...”

HHH: “You have a what?”

HBK: “An...”

That’s 50% true at least. Triple H said what he said. Aside the point – this mystery person hung up on Hunter. DX = no.

And now the main event. 

I hate Jeremy Piven.

Cena vs. The Miz – Lumberjack match… (Stipulations: if Miz loses, he is banned from RAW and SummerSlam.)

Before the match begins, Jeremy Piven comes out and says that he is a John Cena fan… but he’s an even BIGGER fan… of Randy…Orton. He slips off his shirt to reveal RKO merchandise on the inside.

I love Jeremy Piven.

A team of HEEL Lumberjacks comes out, including Legacy, Chris Masters, Carlito, Chavo, and Jack Swagger. I dropped a deuce when I saw Masters and Swagger standing next to each other.

So things get started, and Cena has a violent history with every lumberjack. Beautiful.

Apparently, there are no count-outs since technically the Lumberjacks are there to throw in whoever gets knocked out. But Chris Masters pwned Cena early on in the match by suffocating him with The Masterlock, which is extremely satisfying to see on RAW again.

Cena is back in but kicks out of a pin attempt. Miz does some taunting and gets thrown out himself. All that happens is Chavo hugging him and gently helping him back in.

Randy Orton pulls Cena out of the ring during an STF attempt, and Legacy pummels him with kicks and steel steps before tossing him back in. He VERY QUICKLY recovers and puts Miz down for the count.

Winner: John Cena. I hate Jeremy Piven. Miz is banned. 0/10.

After the match, Cena makes all the lumberjacks back off by looking at them with his gorilla face, but one man climbs to the top turnbuckle… I love Jeremy Piven. He tries an epic crossbody, I mean he REALLY gets some air under himself. But Cena catches him. That rat bastard caught Piven. So Secret Asian Man hits Cena with a pimp cane, and gets military pressed onto the guys on the outside.

I hate Jeremy Piven.

RAW: 5/10. Good first half, bad main event. The story of the year.

Things to consider.

-         Why don’t Carlito and Y2J hook up? How would you combine a CodeBreaker with a BackStabber?

-         I don’t think Kofi Kingston’s neck can be broken. That rope springy-thing he does coupled with the way Big Show picked him up makes me wonder.

-         There was a Diva’s match on the card tonight, and it is at least worth mentioning Gail Kim can perform a missile dropkick LIKE A BOSS.

-         Where did Mark Henry find that much red fabric?

-         To top it off, am I making ANY OF YOU into Mark Henry fans yet?

-         One last thing… I say it was X-Pac on the phone.

Viva Vince.

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