Not the Crypt: TNA Report

THE GAME!

You just lost it! Why? Because you clicked on an article named “Not the Crypt, TNA Report”! You clicked on an article you hoped will tell you everything about your favorite Geriatric Wrestling Alliance!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the world renowned Phenom The Vampire Lord and tonight and tonight only I will write the TNA Report. Spriorite will have the HONOR of writing this week’s Smackdown Report so go check that out when it gets published!

And, without further ado, let’s get this bloodfest … *sound of brakes* What bloodfest? All these old people are running on IV sugar and other things of such nature (hint Hint HINT!)

 

Let us all gather around the ring and look like 5 year olds who had their lollypop stolen at the sandbox party

So yeah brother, the immortal Hulkster is out to get cheered by the stupid impact zone ( Hogan is a heel now fyi). Hogan and Flair are trying to be cooler than a seal’s nose but they miserably fail! And they give Hardy a custom belt (which looks like the divas butterfly title)… cuz he drank from the cup of hulkamania ( what in the living black hell is that supposed to mean? )

The Pope is out to a nice pop. And he acts like a skitzo-phreak!

Joe is also out! He pissed off bad brotha!

RVD! The Whole Freakin’ Show! He’s out to whine about losing his title. Well guess what RVD, you ain’t got no pancake mix! (internet reference FTW)

Angry Shaved Gorilla is out! Err.. I mean…Matt Morgan! Morgan is pissed off cause he lost “his” title! And apparently Hulk lost his ballz!

Damn, how the hell will he play bowling without ballz?

 

JUMPCUT

So now we jump to Hogan’s office with his asylum friends to talk about tonight’s matches, Brother!

If Flair would shake harder his bones would just scatter all over the floor! And Bitchoff (whoops typo) laughed his ass off all the time…

 

Robbie E and KUKIE vs. Jay Lethal and Taylor Wilde

TNA’s commentators sound so freakin’ retarded shouting OhOhOh! When Robbie is fistpumping…

Lethal is the only guy out there actually wrestling. Robbie and KUKIE are there for spoof value and Taylor Wilde is out there to flash her VERY VISIBLE underwear.

I can feel my neurons die as I watch this match.

Oh, look! A Pin Attempt!

Winners: The Jersey Shore Spoofers!

 

Death,Taxes,Tables!

Team 3D went out in style at Turning Point by putting over the Murder City Machineguns.

Now they are out to address the TNA Fanverse for one last tine…

Brotha Ray has a very interesting haircut. I can only compare it to the poop of a Wabaffet!

They thank the fans for their support and for showing them respect even if they don’t like them.

OH MAH BROTHA TESTIFY!

Now I get it, they retired cause no one must use the word “brotha” except Hogan.

WOAHZORZ! Bubba just smacked Rey silly! What the hell is up with that?

Tazz’s nickname is FTW 13?

Does TNA even know what Tazz’s FTW mean?

 

Walkin’ talkin’ screwup!

Bitchoff is backstage yelling his heart out at the referees for not making Morgan the champion ?!??

Morgan comes in and defends the poor kids and insults Eric just for the lulz

 

Samoa Joe vs. Gunner and Murphy

Early double team sends Joe to the mat but that ain’t gonna stop the fatbloke!

He gets up and german suplexes a retard. Enzuiguri and muscle buster for the other retard for the win.

Winner: Samoa Joe

The unkilled opponent gets up and … well he shoulda stayed down cause Joe is still pissed off so he sends him to sleep with that sleeper hold of his.

Jarrett from behind with the nightstick!KABOOSH!

Angle makes the save! Olympic Slam! German Suplex!

Jarrett flees the ring!

 

Immortals are pissed

So yeah they’re pissed off cause Joe was that awesome!

We fly to the TNA bathroom where the Pope is owning Bitchoff and Abyss.

ZOMG!1!!Curbroflmaostomped!

 

Kazarian vs. RVD

RVD was posing from the fans when Kaz dropkicks his knee! I call this a spotfest!

Also, is it just me or is Kazarian always someone’s lackey? First Raven’s, now Flair’s!

RVD with 2 ginormously big air monkey flips and a cartwheel moonsault!

Crossbody off the top rope KOs the referee!

Flair is out with a chair…Rhino from behind knocks the chair down from his hand…

GORE GORE GOOORE! To RVD

I call that trollin’.

Winner: Kazarian

Dreamer comes out to get chairshot! Whooptydoop!

 

Be the Pope

Pope is still backstage transforming Bitchoff in a congregation leader.

Hogan sends his muscle girl Abyss to find Eric and RIP POPE’S HEAD OFF BROTHER!

 

TV Title match

AJ Styles vs. Stevie Richards

Stevie from behind with a sneak attack OWNING AJ’s face with steel.

How old is Richards anyway?

Springboard moonsault onto a ropehung opponent by AJ!

Now I’m getting bored. I’d eat some garlic bread sandwiches but Spriorite stole them all from me… >.<”

Some running around to set up for a dropkick from Styles.

Stevie comes back with clotheslines and a neckbreaker! 10 punches at the turnbuckle!

Ohh! Stevie better have kids cause the family jewels just got smashed! AJ Springboards into a superkick! Piledriver gets botched so it becomes a powerbomb which fails to connect (notice the chain failure)

Styles Clash For The Win!

Winner: AJ Styles

 

Video package about Team 3D’s retirement.. the way I see it, team 3D will split… Ray was beside his “brother” for 15 years… Will he seek revenge?

 

The Pope can officiate funerals

The Pope comes out with a white casket and inside we have… Bitchoff! Abyss tries to make the save but gets owned like a grass type pokemon in a fight against a fire type. Eric low blows the Pope who loses his advantage and is thrown inside the coffin.

The casket meets the concrete wall. I bet that hurt (NOT)!

 

Matt Morgan vs. Beer Money and Douglas Williams (/w SoCalVal? And Ric Flair)

Gang style assault!

I take it this is not.. oh wait.. it is a tag handicap match.

Obvious heel triple team is obviously obvious.

Morgan is losing his left leg…

FIGUR 4 by Storm on Morgan!

Storm can haz fed noa!

Walls of Jericho by Roode! Reverse ass to ass submission holds FTL!

Beer Money try to double suplex Morgan but they are the ones to meet the canvas with their backs!

Punch to Flair! Hope he turns to dust!

FOOTPRINT for Doug!

Winner: Matt Morgan

Hardy from behind with a Twist of Fate!Swanton!

I bet that hurts as hell now that Hardy got so damn FAT!

 

So, yeah, that was that and I will see you guys next week in the Vampire’s Crypt!

PS: TNA SUCKS! 

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