Raw Is Curtis

THE RAW REBOUND!

Lights, Camera, Action! Show opens with Shane McMahon and a replay of what happened at the end of last week’s show. For some reason Shane has Superman level build up music for the segment. Shane says Randy’s legal team approached him after the show to say that Orton wants a match with him at No Way Out. They’ll be having a No Holds Barred Match which is exactly the same as a Street Fight, or a Hardcore Match or an Extreme Rules Match or a No DQ Match….or a Bar Room Brawl match…sigh. He says he’ll make sure Orton will be in no physical condition to actually compete at Wrestlemania. Orton’s theme gets a pretty big pop. Orton says that Shane managed to take out the top three superstars himself apparently. He says he told Ted and Cody not to fight which is why it was able to happen. The crowd interrupts to chant RKO since apparently they forgot that his signature move is actually the headlock. It’s ironic that an RKO is just a modified falling headlock anyway.

Orton says Vince will have company in the hospital after No Way Out and starts to come down the ramp before turning around and leaving like a little girl. He pauses though to dramatically look at the camera like some kind of anime character and lay his microphone on the ground. Orton then turns and starts to head back to the ring. Shane prepares for a fight. Cody and Ted try to sneak up but Shane has a hidden Shinai and beats them all back with it. Orton cusses Cody and Ted out for getting whipped like…government mules (Thought Id at least still use JR mannerisms on RAW!).

Mickie James is like the new Trish Stratus. She’s talented enough to make the other Divas look pretty good if they aren’t! Example..LAYLA! Punk and Regal start off with Regal literally getting his ass kicked. Regal makes the tag to Layla which forces Mickie James to come in. Punk goes to leave and Regal tackles him from behind. Regal then distracts so Layla can deck Mickie James with a hard forearm. Layla taunts, building up some Smackdown Meter before Mickie interrupts with a flurry of attacks. They clothesline each other and the men make the tag. Punk clobbers Regal with strikes and nails several hard kicks to the head to lay him out on the floor. Regal hides behind Layla but Mickie James suicide dives on Layla. Regal trips Punk off the apron hard. Regal knees Punk in the temple when he crawls in at a Nine count, allowing the cover.

It’s your classic race war of rich white boys vs. ghetto black dudes..JTG and Ted start off with JTG landing an interesting face buster out of the corner for two. JTG rolls through an attack and gets kicked in the jaw for two from Dibiase. Cody tags in and delivers a flip over…um…grabbing the leg and lightly pulling the opponent down like it did something? Oookaaaay? Cody shows what he’s learned from Orton as he works a reverse chinlock. JTG escapes and makes the tag as Shad runs both men over. Ted is laid out with a scoop slam and Shad fires up the crowd for the Thugnificence. and Cody breaks up the cover. Cody gets Dqed after he refuses to leave, taking out JTG and they double team Shad. A double Team DDT leaves Shad squished.

Winners via DQ: CrymeTyme:

*We get a video replay of words being exchanged between Jericho and Mickey (mouse?) Rourke!

*We see a small snippet of Orton, Rhodes and Dibiase in the back with no comment or reasoning before we cut to Jericho in the ring to talk about Mickey Rourke. He basically takes over Orton’s gimmick of crap talking legendary wrestlers. He demands that they be revoked their status in the Hall of Fame. Cena eventually cuts off his practically monotone monologue. Cena points out how Chris is doing the same things all these legends do. Cena threatens to knock Jericho’s teeth down his throat which my dentist tells me is very bad for you. We go from there to Kingston and Rey on their way to the ring.

*We get a replay of Kingston beating Kane last week. We learn Mike Knox will be in the Elimination Chamber because God hates Raw apparently. Who the hell decided he should be in a main event?

Match #3: Kofi & Rey Rey vs. Kane & Knox

Kingston starts off with Kane and counters with kick that send Kane to the floor. Mike tries to come in but backs down from a double team by Rey and Kofi..Kofi counters a toss from Kane to the apron, trying to get a sunset flip in. Kane drags him up but Kingston delivers a dropkick and forces Kane to the corner for Rey to tag in. At least we’re being spared much of Mike Knox. Mysterio sets up a 619 but Kane rolls to the floor only to eat a senton from Mysterio on the floor. Kane catches Rey on the way in with a hard shot to tag in Knox. Knox tosses Rey around and hoists him onto his shoulder but a blind tag from Kofi sets up a shoulder block and the Boom Boom Boom for two. Kingston escapes an attack but runs into a running kick from Knox for two. Kane tags in and beats on Kingston some more, trading out with Knox occasionally for much of the same. Kofi catches Kane with an enziguiri but Kane knocks Rey to the floor and drags Kofi back for more beating from Knox. Kingston comes back again but Rey is still chilling out on the floor.

Rey decides he should bother to get back up but Kane is back in to drag Kingston away. I want to know why Knox is in the chamber and Kane isn’t. Kane catches Kingston out of a leap over in the corner and he breaks free, finally fighting to the tag. Rey leaps into a senton and kicks Knox to the floor delivering a tilt a whirl neck breaker to Kane. A springboard leg drop on Kane gets two when Knox breaks up the pin. Kingston takes Knox out but get crushed on Mike’s knee outside. Kane is set up for the 619 and it misses when Knox blocks from the outside. Mysterio kicks him off and leaps in to be caught by Kane. Aw he wants to give him a hug…or a choke slam. Ouch.

*After the match, Stephanie and Shane are walking along minding their own business when Orton and friends show up to beat their asses. They squash Steph to a wall and beat Shane down. They proceed to then defeat the security team by themselves. Orton tries to kick Stephanie in the head FINALLY but Shane throws himself in front of it like a fat guy in front of an all you can eat buffet……

Beth just crushes Candice and delivers a big back suplex when Candice tries to deliver a Dudley Dog. Beth picks up two and puts a Canadian back breaker on. At least Canada is good for something. Candice kicks off the ropes to flip over and finally gets a sunset flip for two. Candice fights back with punches and chops, dropping Beth with a neck breaker. Candice delivers a kick and springboards off the middle rope with a kick for two. Beth powers back with the Phoenix Arizona for the win.

After the match, Rosa kicks Candice to the curb. We then learn that next week The Mummy will be he-…oh I mean Ric Flair will be on the show. Right…..

*We see a replay how HBK lost his match last week, keeping JBL from the Elimination Chamber. JBL is in the ring to give an employee evaluation of Shawn Michaels. There’s a sign in the crowd that reads John Bradshaw Lardfilled. Har har. They both begin to talk but it comes to me as white noise. Shawn claims he did everything he could but JBL tells him he failed and asks if he wants to be fired or not. Shawn says he really wants to kick his teeth down his throat. I guess he’ll be at the dentist with Jericho. JBL challenges HBK to a match where he will pay him all the money he promised if he wins but if he wins, he owns him. Oh yay a slave. This promo becomes great when it begins to involve a dancing monkey. This is how AIDS happened. JBL proceeds to smack Shawn around and trash talk him while he cries like a little baby. Cry baby cry! CRRRRYYYYY! Seriously though, nothing ever comes of this. It was mostly there to spend some time.
Don’t you just love WWE?

*We see in the back Stephanie has made a deal for Kane to get the Undertaker to take on Orton next week in exchange for being put in the Chamber match. Huh. No hope for just replacing Mike Knox with him eh? Jericho and Cena are soon out to the ring and they waste no time in getting started.

Cena unleashes on Jericho, beating him down to the ground in the corner before Jericho pulls his shirt over his head and begins to wail back. Cena tosses Jericho to the corner and delivers a bull dog. Cena lays Jericho out with a back suplex an the fight spills to the floor. Cena is countered and thrown over the announce table….Jericho goes down to using a weak ass looking kind of sleeper hold or something. Cena powers out, lifting Jericho up but Jericho drops him with a DDT for two. Cena is sent flying from the apron to the floor. Jericho continues to pummel Cena back in the ring, forcing him to the corner. The crowd rallies for Cena as Jericho rams himself into a steel post and generic Cena offense begins. Protobomb to Five Knuckle Shuffle. Jericho tries to counter to the walls but Cena counters to a roll up. Jericho kicks out but is dragged into an STFU. Jericho counters this into his own roll up for two before nailing a lionsault for two more. Another Protobomb sets up for a Five Knuckle Shuffle that actually lands now and Cena scoops for the FU but Jericho flips out into a Code Breaker. Cena tosses him off and gets kicked back by Jericho. Jericho slips out of a second FU and locks on the Walls.

Could someone please explain to me what is supposed to be so painful about some guy bending your legs at the knees, a joint that naturally bends back like that? Wouldn’t it hurt more to go the other direction? Cena rolls back and seems to have Jericho for a roll up but he rolls through into an STFU out of nowhere that Jericho immediately taps out!!.

An improvement on weeks gone by no doubht. Plenty of wrestling action which was good…and WWE shocks the hell out of us all by having 3...that’s right….3 Tag Matches! In one show! Super. Main Event was ok, and I enjoyed the Mcmahons getting a right old beat down (Who wouldn’t?) I wonder how HHH will react to Ortons attempt to kick his wifes head off? Time will tell…

Ladies and Gents, I’m Curtis Kash and thanks for Reading.

Comments

1. Comment #1

   The "Walls Of Jericho" hurts becuasse he isn't bending your legs and knees he's bending your spine backward by pulling your legs back and sitting on ur back

   Posted by Drake "The Executioner" Young  on Friday, February 06, 2009

2. Comment #2

   Yep. Like Drake said, The Walls pulls your spine more than your legs. The legs work like a lever to bend the spine back abnormally, hence the submission.
   
   A good article too.

   Posted by American Samurai on Friday, February 06, 2009

3. Comment #3

   It's called the "Attitude Adjuster" and simply put as "STF" now. It's PG-13. You should note that they changed the names of Cena's Finisher(s).

   Posted by Devilock Draven on Friday, February 06, 2009

4. Comment #4

   Mike Knox in the Elimination Match, because God Hates Raw....HAHAHAHAHA! Classic! Atleast Snitsky was fired or ole yellow teeth might have gotten the nod. Great article.

   Posted by Jasonic on Friday, February 06, 2009

5. Comment #5

   "We learn Mike Knox will be in the Elimination Chamber because God hates Raw apparently." - hillarious, and yes I know the guy above me put thta, but while i was reading I already knew I was going to comment on it.
   
   This was solid, tons of short humour to keep me reading.
   
   Grade: A-

   Posted by Edgehead on Friday, February 06, 2009

6. Comment #6

   Hey Curtis, can I take Smackdown if you're going to have RAW, then?

   Posted by Phighter on Friday, February 06, 2009

7. Comment #7

   Get the Vince back is all I can say.

   Posted by kaptenmemo on Friday, February 06, 2009

8. Comment #8

   AGREE WITH #7
   
   "It’s your classic race war of rich white boys vs. ghetto black dudes." = IGNORANT Explain how this is a race war???
   
   
   "JBL challenges HBK to a match where he will pay him all the money he promised if he wins but if he wins, he owns him. Oh yay a slave. This promo becomes great when it begins to involve a dancing monkey. This is how AIDS happened." = Again Ignorant
   
   
   And WWE did not surprise anyone having three tag matches, they have no storylines running and need fillers. Now ask yourself this question. How long where each tag match? Answer NOT LONG AT ALL!!! So how is it a surprise? The only surprise if any would be three tag matches in a row. And I don't count mix gender tags as a tag match. And common sense will explain that one.
   
   HHH is in his own storyline with Vickie so him jumping to Raw to help Steph. is out of the question.
   
   So anyway, an improvement from last week but still needs MORE!!!

   Posted by Brg on Friday, February 06, 2009

9. Comment #9

   The article is great.. BUT
   IF YOU WANT VINCE BACK GIMME A HELL YEAH

   Posted by RockyVlad on Friday, February 06, 2009

10. Comment #10

    Walls of jericho really does hurt, and hurt like hell.
    
    ask your bro to execute it on u and u`ll feel how painfull it is!

    Posted by Dude on Friday, February 06, 2009

11. Comment #11

    the stfu really hurts my bro did it to me and i tapped quick!!

    Posted by alex smileey on Friday, February 06, 2009

12. Comment #12

    bring vince back :(

    Posted by manuel taker on Friday, February 06, 2009

13. Comment #13

    ROFL MISSED OUT THE "ANGER POBLEM" ORTON SHOUKLD BE SCARED BUT HE IS MY WRESTLER OF THE YEAR.
    YOUR GUNNA BE AT WRESTLEMAINAI JUST NOT AGAINST THE CHAMP ON HIS OWN IS ALL I CAN SAY :p

    Posted by LUKE on Friday, February 06, 2009

14. Comment #14

    Philly- Its all yours...

    Posted by Curtis Kash on Friday, February 06, 2009

15. Comment #15

    Man, getting someone twice your size in the Boston Crab is harder then i though, i put my wrestling coach in it, and landed on my face from a little leg twitch, but yeah, it hurts like hell to be chucked in

    Posted by Crazy Steve on Friday, February 06, 2009

16. Comment #16

    that was good but the mistakes can be listed, it seems an improvement has happened on raw, i like the randy vs shane idea but if shane wins, ill go to wwe with a sign saying you screwed orton.

    Posted by crazydude on Friday, February 06, 2009

17. Comment #17

    I'm sorry Curtis, but 60% of the humor here was either too uniform and outplayed or just plain insulting to alot of the folks reading the article. Sometimes both.
    
    This would be ok if you hadn't bungled alot of the matches, several of the sentences don't even make sense. Hot damn, son, try harder next time.

    Posted by Tim Taurus on Saturday, February 07, 2009

18. Comment #18

    Wow tpp, i wanna take Smackdown, i know im on a break, but come on please

    Posted by Lionman on Saturday, February 07, 2009

19. Comment #19

    How can you hear white noise during an HBK/JBL promo? Two of the best talkers the biz has, and this week's segment was fine if a bit long.
    
    Other than that, good work.

    Posted by The Glide on Saturday, February 07, 2009

20. Comment #20

    That's it, you don't respond back to me? I'm taking the RAW Recap from now on, and if you even dare try and do one of yours, you'll get a blast from the BANCOONAN!

    Posted by Phighter on Saturday, February 07, 2009

21. Comment #21

    What the hell? Someone delete that, that's not TPP.

    Posted by The Glide on Saturday, February 07, 2009

22. Comment #22

    hey isaid i want the recap and what the hell is a "BANCOOBAN" lol?

    Posted by Lionman on Saturday, February 07, 2009

23. Comment #23

    Hey CrazySteve stole my name, Banhammer him please.

    Posted by crazydude on Saturday, February 07, 2009

24. Comment #24

    LMASO ey man stop the love hate the peace yo? can't we all get along?
    
    word up mans?

    Posted by LUKE on Saturday, February 07, 2009

25. Comment #25

    That quote before - 100% racist. I love these columns, but if this blatant racisim continues I will be leading a blacklisting of TWG.
    
    Equality for all. Don't hate.

    Posted by Tommy Jim on Saturday, February 07, 2009

26. Comment #26

    Baby, it's just the way I lay down the truth. What's so racist about calling blacks ghetto boys anyway? it's just a comment.

    Posted by Curtis Kash on Saturday, February 07, 2009

27. Comment #27

    ALRIGHT! please...just calm down.
    
    kumbyooyua...koombuyyayoowa...come on ya'll.

    Posted by The Glide on Saturday, February 07, 2009

28. Comment #28

    Either Sim Snuka and Manu are going to form their own Legacy with Shane and Stephanie or else all the hate between the McMahons and the Legacy is a put-on and they're going to do a rehash of The Corporation/Ministry thing.

    Posted by Asgard on Saturday, February 07, 2009

29. Comment #29

    iam with curtis on this man , if people can call whites whitey and no one gets mad then why do black,s get mad when you say ghetto black , you know stick's and stone's my break my bone's but word's will never hurt me.
    Look it's like this , there's nothing raciest if it was then curtis would have gotten in trouble so el drunky , or what ever your crazy name is LAY OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! of my friend man.

    Posted by deathstar on Sunday, February 08, 2009

30. Comment #30

    It's that kind of ignorance that shows the stupidity of the majority of the world. i sincerely hope you learn to respect all people of all colors and be able to limit yourself from dividing people into "colors".

    Posted by Tommy Jim on Sunday, February 08, 2009

31. Comment #31

    what? that's not me.

    Posted by TPP on Sunday, February 08, 2009

32. Comment #32

    lol you guys will never believe it my ma just found a baby on the doorstep with a nametag Bronx Mogley! how freaky is that!

    Posted by lionman on Sunday, February 08, 2009

33. Comment #33

    BRONX MOGLEY IS MY BAYBEH, GIVE IT BACK! BACK I SAY!

    Posted by Phighter on Sunday, February 08, 2009

34. Comment #34

    Please...someone just delete that idiot.

    Posted by TPP on Sunday, February 08, 2009

35. Comment #35

    Whatever man, I'm not dividing any blacks, I'm just sayin it how it is, and layin it down raw. freedom of speech says that I can call you ghetto, and that's the law.

    Posted by Curtis Kash on Sunday, February 08, 2009

36. Comment #36

    Ok someone needs to get to deleting..
    
    Half the comments above are from people pretending to be me, Philly or Glide

    Posted by The REAL Curtis on Sunday, February 08, 2009

37. Comment #37

    This comments section is mildly amusing.
    
    I have to laugh a little at Phighter's cult-like popularity as an alias :P

    Posted by The Glide on Monday, February 09, 2009

38. Comment #38

    The guy pretending to be Curtis here is a lunatic!!lol

    Posted by The One on Monday, February 09, 2009

39. Comment #39

    great article

    Posted by Joe Andretti on Monday, February 09, 2009

40. Comment #40

    WHERES THE VINCE

    Posted by WHERE on Monday, February 09, 2009

41. Comment #41

    i dident miss u or call u

    Posted by aaaaaaa on Monday, February 09, 2009

42. Comment #42

    Cool....Shane and Randy's feud sucks!

    Posted by Chris on Tuesday, February 10, 2009

43. Comment #43

    hey curtis you know me man, and i didnt write that second remark i did the first one , but not the second one , so who ever did need's to cut it out man.

    Posted by the real deathstar on Wednesday, February 18, 2009

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