Raw is Curtis for 03/23/09

RAW IS CURTIS

23/03/09

Lets get tricks started

The show opens with Ric "I retired a year ago yet here I am" Flair accepting the challenge for the other guys too senile to remember they were challenged in the first place. Jericho interrupts Flair to remind Flair that he used to worship the legends but now he’s bigger than all three of them. He leaves the recording truck to walk and tell us this isn’t like The Wrestler. Jericho goes on to call Flair washed up, which would probably explain why he’s so clean looking I would suppose. Flair tells him that he’s wrong and they refuse to be told when it is over. Flair goes on one of his crazy old man rants, much like that hobo who lives behind the Dillon’s store by your house. And much like you’ve probably always wanted to, Jericho knocks him flat on his ass before beating a bloodied Flair all around ringside and chucking him over a table. This ass-kicking goes down as one of the most one-sided curb-stompings of all time. Jericho crushes some watch or something that belongs to Flair on the steps as we go to commercial....

EXTREME Rules Match (errr why?) Jeff Hardy vs Dolph Ziggler
Jeff just kicks Dolph while shaking his hand but Dolph powers back with clotheslines. Why does he have this shiny Mr. Ass shorts on? Ziggler gets a chair but gets his ass kicked only to dodge corner charge. Dolph nails Hardy with a trash can and picks up the two count. Hardy is set up top but throws Ziggler off onto his own trash can. Hardy finishes with a Twist of Fate on the trash can before nailing him with a chair a few….er a lot of times. Another Twist of Fate is on the chair before Hardy finishes with the Swanton for the win.
Winner: Jeff Hardy

Hardy has a message for Matt about how extreme his experience will be at Mania. Cena reads a poetic get well card for Vickie and steals some of fellow TWF writer Catherine Perez’ schtick with love child photoshops. King and Cole give a courtesy laugh at least. It’s kind of like one of those chuckles you hear as the drunk father of the bride tries to make a joke at a wedding reception.

We get a video package about a past Wrestlemania....Ahhhh memories.

MVP & CM Punk & Christian & Kofi vs. Finlay & Kane & Big Drippy & Shelty

MVP starts off with Shelton and wrestles him down hard. MVP nails a belly to belly and tags in CM Punk. Punk keeps the pressure on with some lame offense and for doing it so unentertaining he eats a jawbuster. For some reason I heard Flair YELL something in the middle of this match over the speaker system and everyone seems confused as to what just happened. Finlay is on deck now as we return to commercials.

Back to the show. Christian and Shelton are getting it on and Christian is kicking the ever-loving crap out of him. Christian dodges some corner offense with some high agility moves and even catches Finlay on the apron trying to get a cheap shot. Everyone spills into the ring and MVP is grabbed in a choke hold by Kane. Kane eats a dropkick from Kofi. Mark Henry runs Kofi down and catches a cross body from Punk. MVP chop blocks Henry and they both kick him to the floor before Christian delivers the Unprettier to Shelton for the win.
Winners: Team Face

Post-match, Finlay knocks out everyone on both teams with a ladder and dances with a midget. We get a 12 Rounds Trailer (woo-hoo) and pimping for another Legacy handicap match with Trips as we go to commercial...

Back to the show. We hear the AC/DC theme and for some reason they keep playing this annoying loud music while the announcers are talking so no one can tell what the hell they are saying. So it’s like usual. We get a video recap of stuff between Orton and Trips. This includes his magical ability to summon cages no one could see hovering over the damn ring. Edge makes his way to the ring now and Vickie arrives shortly there-after. It was all a ploy to bring back this god damn wheelchair I guess. Have she and Edge got a cripple fetish?

Edge gets the cold shoulder from Vickie and Chavo. Why Chavo? Because he didn’t text him to tell him when he was letting the dogs out. What a clown. After Big Show makes his way out, Cena tells him via video to tell them they need to put on a show as two of the biggest stars in the company and forget about Vickie. Indeed Indeed.

Edge vs. The Big Show (Non-title Match)

Edge beats Big Show’s ass right into the corner but is eventually thrown off and ran over with a clothesline. Show levels him again with a head butt and Edge takes a breather. Chavo looks poised to run edge over with Vickie’s wheelchair for some reason before he is thrown back into the ring by Show. Big Show nails him in the gut with a right and begins to slap him in the chest outside the ring like the world’s largest bald girl. He tells Vickie Edge is weak but on his way back into the ring his legs are kicked out from under him. Edge beats the crap out of his knee but Show throws him off.

Edge won’t lay off and continues to chase after his leg. Edge delivers a DDT and some mounted punches but Show throws him back off and guerilla press slam him into the ropes. Big choke from Big Show….um lol? Show ties Edge up in the ropes and Vickie forces Chavo to go stop Show. He tries but it works about as well as expected though Edge does make his escape. Edge ends up replaying Smackdown and spearing Chavo while trying to hit Big Show. Show just knocks him out with one punch.
Winner: Edge

Post-match, Show confronts Vickie who has decided she can’t walk again and quietly leaves...great.

Rey Mysterio now, who is going to take on William Regal. JBL reveals on the microphone that for once in forever the IC belt will be on the line at Mania. OMG.

William Regal vs. Rey Mysterio (Intercontinental #1 Contender’s Match)

Regal gets his ass kicked and it looks like he’s set up for 619 but he takes a breather. Regal goes to the floor and Rey follows where JBL distracts him for a blindside from Regal. William Regal starts stomping down on Rey’s face. Regal just punches Rey all around the ring and knocks him down flat. Rey takes a knee to the face and the ref has to keep them apart with a possible nose injury until Rey leaps up out of nowhere with kicks and a 619 for the springboard splash and the win.

Winner: Rey Rey

That was dirty you midget. JBL stands outside the ring to applaud and eats a baseball slide in the face.

Back to the show for Michaels and the Undertaker. I smell a sitcom. Taker cuts a promo about how he left Michaels injured for 5 years despite never beating him. He even says Michaels will question his faith in the end. Michaels responds with a video of him in the worlds least scary graveyard recounting Taker’s past at Mania and how he isn’t afraid. His dialogue seems written by the retarded cousin of Edgar Allen Poe. Shawn proceeds to apparently bury a camera in the grave. I can’t remember at the moment if we went to commercial after this. I was sort of not there. So we’ll pretend we didn’t for once.

Santino arrives to tell us he plans to win the Diva’s battle Royal because he has a match to earn a slot in the battle royal if he can beat Mickie with one arm tied behind his back. He’s doomed.

Santino Marella w/ Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez vs. Mickie James w/ Melina & Kelly Kelly (One-arm match)

Mickie dances outside of his grab range and pushes Santino before dodging him in the corner and locking him down by tying up both his arms. Santino does his best Scotty 2 Hotty impression on the ground before working his way up. She offers to tie up but he can’t so he just trips her delivers head butts. Santino says he has an idea and tries rolling around in her. Mickie covers him for two. Santino goes up top for some reaon and gets punched down by Mickie. Rosa tries to get up on the apron against Mickie but it knocks Santino off into a Mick Kick for the loss.
Winner: Mickie

Poor Santino eh?

We get another trailer for 12 Rounds because we obviously all cared. And by cared I mean, we didn’t. At all. We get a card rundown for Wrestlemania before Orton and Dibiase decide to make their appearance for the Main Event. Perhaps this match will actually happen unlike the last two non-matches they’ve had so far in recent weeks. They manage to get most of the way to the ring but then it’s about time we visited our friend the commercial again.

Back to the show where we replay Chris Jericho and it is revealed it was his retirement watch that Jericho stomped. King challenges Jericho to a match next week much to my complete and utter horror. Trips makes his appearance but before the match can even get started he rushes the ring and takes out Dibiase. Orton is dragged to the floor and beaten but the numbers game adds up (ba-zing). Trips continues to try and separate Orton but Dibiase keeps catching him from behind. On the floor he tries to go under the ring but Rhodes appears instead of a hammer and beats the hell out of him. They proceed to handcuff Trips to the turnbuckle and kick his ass while Orton says only one woman can save him now and she better hurry. Orton retrieves a hammer and the beat down continues until he decides to practice croquet with his head. Stephanie comes to the rescue.....

Trips tells her to get back, but being the dumb person that forgot to make the sandwiches that she is, she comes to the ring anyway. Orton delivers a suspended DDT from the middle rope to her. Dope. He starts to drool a lot for some reason. He decides to taunt Trips and make out with her passed out like the drunk girl at a party. Orton finally decides to use his hammer on Trips’ face. In the meantime, somewhere along the line Rhodes stripped down to his wrestling trunks. Why? Who knows?

Thats That!

Glad to be back folks, hoping to get these reports up more consistently from now on now that things have calmed down in the life of Curtis.

Til next week, Im Curtis Kash and thanks for reading!

Show Grade: B-

Comments

1. Comment #1

   That wasn't a number one contender's match. And thanks for the hatred of the wheel-chair. Seriously why is a wheel-chair so damn annoying.

   Posted by Mordecai on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

2. Comment #2

   finlay is heel now??

   Posted by stud on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

3. Comment #3

   Good, funny article man1 THIS is what recaps should be like! Opinionated, not just a re-hash or events!

   Posted by VR Man on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

4. Comment #4

   vr man i agree, re-hash's are bland

   Posted by azuzu on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

5. Comment #5

   How funny was santino to be fair the rolling attack was genius

   Posted by Badderman on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

6. Comment #6

   This. Article. Was. Awesome. The end.
   
   Grade = A

   Posted by Edge head on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

7. Comment #7

   The dislike for the Michaels promo...why?
   
   Not too much good ring action this week, but between the opening, closing, and HBK/Taker bits, a very strong week for segments.

   Posted by The Glide on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

8. Comment #8

   the worst article i've ever read

   Posted by jason campbell on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

9. Comment #9

   Jason I disagree, if you seem that way PM remorce or sum and ask her to replace kash lol like to see that happen

   Posted by Sunny on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

10. Comment #10

    poor santino being the joke heel/face, i think he's a tweener

    Posted by crazydude on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

11. Comment #11

    HAHA! Take that Santino

    Posted by Kyle 1102 on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

12. Comment #12

    Solid reading, double thumbs up Curtis!

    Posted by Ochy on Friday, March 27, 2009

13. Comment #13

    lol santino keep missing the rolling attack,lucky for him that he didn't roll out of the ring.

    Posted by Kenny the King on Thursday, March 26, 2009

14. Comment #14

    jeff's twist of fates do look like neckbreakers finlay is a face and hornswoggle is two

    Posted by matt on Saturday, March 28, 2009

15. Comment #15

    Just out of interest, those who watched RAW, watch Jeff's Twist of Fates. Is it just me or did they look more along the lines of swinging neckbreakers rather than the usual cutter?

    Posted by Sean Ryker on Friday, March 27, 2009

16. Comment #16

    the wheel-chair is not annoying, the annoying is that there is no apparent reason for it, at least that i recall... I have missed allot of SD's but Vicky is shown in allot of segments standing, so why that everytime she has to come to the arena she is in a wheel-chair? too lazy to walk??

    Posted by chunga on Monday, March 30, 2009

17. Comment #17

    Oh you stole my line Curtis and you know it! lol
    
    Good written article man.

    Posted by Aaron Adams on Saturday, April 04, 2009

18. Comment #18

    tu queres combater?

    Posted by ines. ramada@hotmail.com on Friday, April 03, 2009

19. Comment #19

    grade:a
    disribed:b
    funny:b
    article:b+

    Posted by luke on Sunday, April 05, 2009

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