Raw is Curtis for 05/11/09

11/5/09

Randy Orton opens the show. He tells us we don’t fight back against our unfair bosses or some crap like that, but he does something about it. Like commit criminal acts. Randy replays his total wrecking of Shane last week. He then says that he and Batista are forbidden from touching one another by Vickie. This brings to mind horrible images. Images best never spoken of ever again. Ever. Orton invites Dave out to have a chat, wanting him to join Legacy. Batista refuses the generous offer to join the YMCA parade and Orton says he is lucky they can’t beat each other’s asses tonight. Batista says a sentence that makes so little sense, it might as well be spoken by Rainman. He says they can ignore Vickie because she won’t cancel their match and nothing is keeping him from whipping Orton’s ass right now.

BUT WAIT! The chimp herself is here to shut us down! She decides to make it Batista vs. Priceless where if he loses he has to be in a handicap match tonight, but if he wins he gets to give us our PPV for free. And that match is next. Oh hurrah. I am ecstatic.

Priceless vs. Batista (2 on 1 handicap Match)
Cody gets his ass wrecked early on and suplexed. Cody escapes a power slam and chop blocks Batista’s knee. Dibiase makes the tag and decides to punch on Batista’s kneepad because attacking a nicely guarded part of a guys body when you could remove the offending object first makes a lot of sense. They then proceed to throw his leg down in the way it normally bends which of course causes EXCRUTIATING pain…to arthritis victims. Dibiase and Rhodes exchange some quick tags before DAVE powers his way back out and returns to annihilating Cody Rhodes again. Dibiase is sent to the floor but Rhodes attacks him from behind only to be thrown off to the floor. Dibiase comes in to distract the ref while Rhodes gets a chair. Batista grabs the chair and gets a DQ from the ref despite hitting no one.
Winners via DQ: Priceless

Backstage, Maryse says something in French and then says if she wasn’t Maryse she would want to be. This makes perfect sense, because everyone loves a villain who can wax philosophical.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian & Maryse
Jillian gets her ass kicked by Kelly which means she should probably quit wrestling. Kelly botches her offense all over Jillian in a manner so impressive I would almost swear it was intentional. Jillian tackles Kelly to the ground when she is distracted by Maryse. Maryse tries to keep it Blondes Only like all of my late night fantasies, refusing to let Kelly make the tag. Maryse does a camel clutch. Kelly fights her way free. Maryse drags her down by the hair and cheap shots Mickie off the apron before eating a sad dropkick from Kelly. Mickie is in and delivers some wrap around clotheslines. Headscissors out of the corner has Mickie going up top for a senton pin for two. Jillian breaks up the pin and is dumped to the floor for Kelly…who botches the followup clothesline to the floor. Maryse misses a DDT and eats one from Mickie instead.
Winners: Mickie & Kelly

Josh Mathews…hey didn’t he used to wrestle? Anyway Orton is interviewed and can’t seem to find one of his partners in crime as we go to commercial. They all look the same, just pull out another clone and call it good.

We return to a replay of how John Cena was choke slammed through a spotlight that somehow set off a conveniently placed fireworks display behind it. Elsewhere now, Chavo is trying to talk Vickie into forcing Cena to compete tonight in an exhibition match because he and the Big Show think it is a good idea to show he will be good to go Sunday. This makes no sense, but Vickie thinks it is brilliant because she has nothing better to do. She puts him in a match against The Miz. Chavo wishes her a happy mother’s day, EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO DOMINIC! OH SNAP!

For some reason Cole and King are announcing from the middle of the ring the card of Judgment Day. And we see a black man with the world’s tiniest novelty belts at ringside. Okay? This was done way pointlessly. Orton and Dibiase are still looking for Cody in the back. They find him finally as Orton says they need to watch each other’s back. While he has his back turned, Dibiase is mysteriously gone and found messed up beyond belief. His words? “Rosebud”

Mr. Kennedy will be returning soon. About damn time. That movie sucked. Carlito is out now with his bro. Kendrick is out too. I swear, ever since Paul London left, Kendrick has just gotten...

Carlito w/ Primo vs. The Kendrick
Carlito delivers a cheap shot and side drop kick. Kendrick apparently requested this rematch because he didn’t get his ass kicked hard enough. Kendrick gets his own cheap shot in and crushes Carlito in the corner. Carlito is thrown off the middle rope out of his moonsault by the hair. He causes Kendrick to miss a corner charge but Kendrick turns and tosses him shoulder first to the ring post and Carlito is rolled up by Kendrick for three.
Winner: Kendrick

Kendrick says he will find THE partner to take out their belts.

Big Show is here. Why? Because he can. Also, the most generic sign guy ever is here tonight, with a sign telling us how many watts the search light is. Big deal. Cena is out next to stare with Big Show and Miz comes out to talk trash but Cena won’t even give him the time of day to give a damn what he’s talking about. Miz’ relevancy has really dropped to nothing since he split with Morrison. He says he is The Miz and he is awesome, but I don’t really care.

John Cena vs. The Miz
Cena wrestles Miz down to the mat and keeps his eye on the Big Show, letting Miz back up. He continues to…wow, wrestle. Bizzarro world. Headlock take down is broken when he gets distracted by Big Show again. The Miz delivers a back suplex and stomps Cena down into a corner. Cena goes to his general offense. Ah things are back to normal now. Cena delivers a Five Knuckle Shuffle and signals the FU, but Vickie appears to announce the exhibition is over. This distracts him long enough to allow Miz to deliver a DDT. Is it over?
Winner: Uh….um?

Big Show just chuckles at ringside before we take a trip to the back. Rhodes and Orton are discussing how Batista is after them and they have to take him out first. Randy sends Rhodes to go do it….because this makes perfect sense.

Chavo and Vickie ask Santina to confront her/him about what he said last week and if they are both Santino/a. They test him with a kiss from Rosa and when he can’t resist he claims to be a lesbiano. S/he proceeds to oink at Vickie and slap Rosa on the ass on the way out. I hurt inside. Cody is in the back of…somewhere in the arena with the world’s most unreasonable steel pipe to hunt down Batista. He finds Hornswoggle in a closet. We then see a mysterious shadow and Cody gets his ass beat into the closet. Horrible things happen behind that closed door. Dark, horrible things.

Glamazon w/ Rosa vs. Santina
Beth beats him into the corner and clotheslines Santina to the floor. I have trouble deciding how to call these matches. I’m tired of seeing Santino/a’s ass though. Beth yells about being embarrassed and delivers several punches only to be caught in a small package for three.
Winner: Santina

Uhg…how much longer must this go on. Santina dances with the ref who runs screaming in terror as he should. As we all should.

Josh talks to Cena about Judgment Day. He whines about going through hard times and talks like some kind of messed up hood rat, despite being rich and famous. He says despite everything people have always managed to adapt and overcome. We are off to ringside for MVP to host the VIP lounge. We need more acronyms. MORE. I would take this much more seriously if MVP had a TV screen that was obscenely expensive. Regal is his guest who shoes up in a coat made from a stolen hotel room carpet. He gives a recap of everything he’s done which is actually a pretty short story. He claims to be above everyone in the pecking order on Raw. MVP manages to fit “Ballin’” into everyday conversation. He says Regal is boring while he himself is US Champion. Regal strips to his underwear now as Matt Hardy decides to appear. What will you do? He’s already damaged so throw the ball. Matt is out to complain about his broken hand. Waaaaahmbulance time.
Matt says his formal requests have been completely ignored. He demands his loss while injured should be removed from the books and Regal needs to wait his turn. Matt says no one has defeated MVP more times than himself so he deserves first shot at the belt. Kofi Kingston then kicks his ass from behind. Chavo interrupts things to say that Vickie has ordered the ring be cleared out now. Regal and Hardy will go up against Kingston and MVP now. Where are they going to put the couches?

MVP & Kofi vs. Regal & Matt Hardy
Regal is being beat on as Kofi tags in and hit’s a cross body off the top for two. Kingston springs off the ropes when Regal tries to push him out. Hardy eats a kick to the hand and Boom Boom Boom gets a two count on Regal. Matt distracts the ref allowing him to nail Kingston in the back with his cast. Regal covers for two. Hardy is back in and delivers a scoop slam. He acts in extreme pain before putting on an abdominal stretch that he cant hold. Hardy delivers a cast shot to the gut as Regal tags in and kicks him around. Regal delivers a really weird suplex/scoop slam for two before tagging back out to Hardy. Regal continues to work Kingston down with holds, but Kofi breaks out with some kicks and makes the tag.
MVP comes in with a flurry of heavy blows, sending Regal down and landing the Ballin’ Elbow for two. Hardy breaks up the pin and Kingston hits him in the hand…with a foot. Regal dumps him to the floor from behind in an awkward motion before MVP pounces with heavy blows. Hardy wanders to the back while MVP delivers the Playmaker.
Winners: Kingston & MVP

And now, Orton on his way to the ring…what do you want to bet this takes five more minutes?

Randy Orton vs. Batista
Orton tries to start us off with the RKO but is thrown off. Orton tries to run away through the crowd and is dragged back to the ring for a series of spine busters. Batista decides that matches are for pansies and grabs a chair to just start beating on Orton with it.
Winner: Orton

Batista crushes Orton’s ankle with the edge of the chair before getting the steel steps. He brings them into the ring but Cody attacks only to eat a Batista Bomb. Dibiase attacks next and sends Batista into an RKO but he blocks it and slams both men off. Dibiase eats a spear while Orton runs for his dear life.

And That’s That

Curtis Kash Signing Off

Show Grade: C+

Raw is Curtis for 05/11/09

COMMENTS