Raw is Curtis for 05/18/09

Randy Orton opens the show to shots of what happened at Judgment Day with him getting himself Disqualified. He announces himself as champion still, saying that he planning on taking Batista out for good only to be stopped by a geriatric old man. That’s kind of sad actually. Orton decides to bother bringing up a kick he did to Flair in 2007 and claims that it probably is what lead him to not be able to lose to Michaels at Mania….that’s a bit of a stretch don’t you think? He claims he’s proud to have kicked all of Evolution in the skull. I wonder what his obsession with the word skull is. He must think he’s Michael Cole. Ric decides to answer the calling out immediately. I bet he just got lost on his way to free coffee refills at McDonald’s.

Ric recaps for us what we already know, telling Orton he just ran scared from Batista to get himself disqualified. He says he saw Vickie an hour ago and made her feel better about the bad ending to her title match last night by giving her an idea. In three weeks there is another PPV and one more time Batista will get a shot at the title (as he sits in the back and polishes his game genie) but this time it is a cage match. Orton gives Flair a message too and beats his ass while Priceless strolls out slowly. Batista makes the save though and takes them out from behind like Rhodes and Dibiase are too damn stupid to think he might not bother trying to help. The numbers game catches up until Cena makes the save.

Josh asks Cena in the back why he made the save. He manages to fit “The Champ is Here” into a sentence despite not having a title when Vickie arrives in the ugliest clothes ever to announce that Legacy will be 3 on 2 against Cena and Batista. And now, a Diva battle royal for a title shot….why are we having this? When Mickie James comes out, it’s worth noting she decides to jump around like she’s the female version of Ultimate Warrior.

Diva’s #1 Contender Battle Royal
Beth destroys Kelly Kelly early on while the Bella twins double team Jillian Hall in the corner. Mickie tosses Rosa right away to the floor and Beth clotheslines a Bella to the floor. Why isn’t Santina in this match? I’m disappointed. Mickie drops Jillian while Kelly Kelly is still passed out on the floor from a Powerslam by Beth way earlier. Beth works Mickie in a tree of woe and Kelly attacks from behind before dropkicking Beth through the ropes. Beth gets pissed and tries to drag Kelly out while Maryse sprays hairspray in Mickie’s eyes. DQ Much? Kelly escapes Beth and kicks Mickie to the floor.
Winner: Kelly Kelly

…wait, what?

Santino is shown in retrospect last night getting his head knocked in by The Miz of all people before he comes to the ring to take on Chavo…wow big time stars here right now.

Chavo vs. Santino
Chavo strips Santino (Bowchickawowwow) and slams him around. Santino takes a break against the ropes for a long time to get prepped with thoughts of Santina. Chavo decides to just clothesline him during his weird little robot march. Santino just hulks up during slaps to the face and just punches Chavo across the ring before nailing him with a reverse elbow. Santino looks surprised at himself and clotheslines to back body drop. This is awesome. Santino then runs into a drop kick before Chavo is up top for the Frog Splash. Santino rolls to the corner and ducks a corner charge before rolling Chavo up for three.
Winner: Santino

The crowd is hot for Santino here which is actually pretty funny. Chavo says Santina better get dressed because he Miss Wrestlemania crown will be defended against….Vickie…damn.

Mr.Kennedy returning video. Josh Mathews interviewing Matt Hardy. He says this isn’t a reward of the US title for beating up Hardy, he just wanted revenge for his hand or some BS. We cut to elsewhere where Vickie who is pissed with Chavo over his big mouth. Orton gets up in her face over something I didn’t bother to care about and you shouldn’t either..

The Colons vs. KendrickDust
Primo seems to have gone to the school of Most Ridiculous Ways to Wear Championship Belts. Goldust starts off with Carlito and they have a fast exchange with several arm drags. They fight back to a neutral position and Kendrick gets pissed off, screaming at him to get the hell out and let him handle it. He works Carlito down with a reverse headlock to show him how it’s done. Carlito is pounded into the corner and Kendrick demands that Goldust work Carlito over in the corner while the ref is distracted but he doesn’t. Carlito levels Kendrick with a dropkick and in comes Primo with huge flips and a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Kendrick bombs Sliced Bread and Primo takes him down wit a springboard cross body for three.
Winners: The Colons

Kendrick talks crap on Goldust, blaming him and delivering a slap so Goldust comes into the ring to…erm….stare him down while Hornswoggle attacks Kendrick with help from Goldust. Brutal.

Back to the show where Miz arrives dressed as Cena to Thuganomics. Miz does a remix of the song about nerds and Star Trek fans. King comes to the ring after Miz declares himself another match winner. King has to explain how when somebody does not come when you call them it doesn’t give you a free win. King does an example by calling out Batista. Then he calls out Hogan and Bruno Sammartino and Steve Austin for a 3-1 Handicap match. They actually come out and kick his ass……I wish. They accuse each other of talking out of their asses before Big Slow comes out. He tells him that playtime is over because Big Show has a submission match with Cena at WWE’s gimmick PPV that is coming up. Miz says he’ll beat Cena when he’s done beating Big Show and throws King like a projectile at Big Show. Show gets pissed that Miz ran and puts King in a camel clutch. This accomplishes nothing beyond being mildly amusing as assaulting the elderly always is.

And now, Jim Ross. What, Todd Grisham was busy?

MVP vs. Matt Hardy (US title Match)
MVP works Hardy over who is not wrestling under protest apparently despite his busted up arm. MVP suplexes Hardy from the apron into the ring and Hardy regains the advantage, picking up a two count. Hardy tries to remove the turnbuckle but the ref stops him. Hardy delivers a shot to the knee with his cast and begins to work the knee over the ropes and edge of the ring. It’s weird to see his rivalry renewed with the roles of heel and face completely reversed from the last time. MVP gets his leg wrapped to the ring post for a two count. JR busts out his golden oldie of not being a doctor but playing one on television. I’m pretty sure neither thing is true and he’s just having an old man’s hallucination.

MVP goes for Ballin’ and limps into it on his bad leg for another two. Hardy cheap shot chucks MVP to the floor through the ropes. Hardy kicks the back of the knee out but another cast shot is dodged, getting it slammed into the ring post because when people move when I attack them I continue full force into the objects behind them all the time. MVP works the hand onto the ring steps and MVP stomps on his hand back in the ring before delivering the running boot in the corner and finishing with the playmaker.
Winner: MVP

Ric is in the back talking to Batista. He’s pissed he got knocked down and wants to call Orton out next week. He says he can beat him still whether Batista thinks he can do it or not. Look, you’re an old man. Chavo is on the ground in the office trying to teach Vickie how to do a frog splash. She wants to call the match off when Santina comes in to say she was looking forward to it. I wasn’t. She wishes good luck in pig language.

Back to the show where Vickie has no theme music. Santina comes to the ring to talk about how she is hotter. That might be true and this horrifies me. Santina gets slapped for the trouble and says she’s a lesbian who likes it rough. Santina makes out with Vickie and I barfed.

The Chimp w/ Chavo vs. Santina (Miss Wrestlemania Match)
When they go to square off Chavo takes Santina out from behind. Chavo mounts and continues to kick her ass until Santina flips over and fights back. They continues to trade back and forth until Chavo makes a run for it. Chavo gets dumped to the floor and Santina goes for Vickie until William Regal makes the save with an exploder suplex and a rising knee to the forehead. Vickie covers and picks up the three.
Winner: Chimp

Vickie is Miss Wrestlemania. Uhg……Oh she does have a theme song. It sucks.

Cena & Batista vs. Legacy
Cena starts off the match, annihilating everyone with clotheslines while Orton runs away to the outside. He just hangs around out on the floor for a while during Cena’s destruction of the other two. Cena tags out to Batista and everyone spills into the ring with Cena and Batista clothes lining both Rhodes and Dibiase to the floor. Orton was trying to slither in behind them but turns tail..

Legacy gain control. I AM SO SURPRISED. Batista’s knee is being stomped on by Orton. Orton picks up a two count and tags in Dibiase. Somebody greased Orton a little too much tonight as he looks like he has more oil on his back than uh…I have no idea where I was planning on going with this. They can’t all be gold. Dibiase delivers some elbow drops and works a headlock in. Thrilling. Priceless double teaming ensues. Dibiase works Batista over on the ground and going back to the headlock. Oh yay.

Rhodes and Cena are in and Rhodes takes the regular offense. Protobomb sets up for Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the FU but a scooped Rhodes makes the blind tag. Cena tries to cover but Orton comes in and just beats him in the back of the head. The ref decides he shouldn’t even warn Orton for punching Cena so much he pummels his head into the ground until he’s not moving. Usually they get on you for that stuff. Cena takes a knee to the back of the head. Dibiase kicks Cena in the head from the outside while Orton distracts the ref and they work his head over the ropes. Dibiase is in now and he goes for a flying knee drop but he misses Cena entirely. Dibiase stops the tag and lands the Million Dollar Fist for a two count. If he was as badass as his dad that would have worked.

Cena is back in the corner now with Rhodes beating his ass. Who says these two dorks belong in the main event again? Can somebody explain this to me? Cena fights free and makes the tag to Batista. Batista clotheslines and slams him into the corner with a splash followed by a Powerslam for two. Out on the ring entrance, Big Show has attacked Cena but Cena fights him off with a chair, chasing him to the back. Batista lands a spine buster on Orton and has to toss Cody and Dibiase to the floor. Flair takes Rhodes out when he tries to come back in, allowing a spear on Orton for three.
Winners: Batista & Cena

They show what happened when the camera weren’t where they need to be. As Show came out, Flair ran by him and passed the chair he brought off to Cena before slamming Rhodes to a ring post. Flair celebrates in the ring with Batista.

Raw is Curtis for 05/18/09

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