The ECW X-Press

2/17/2009

Pre-show run-through:
    Last week, Oh Em Gee, it was Christian Cage!  Cage made his ECW debut to defeat Jack SWAGGA and announce his intent to challenge for Swagger’s title at Wrestlemania.  Swagger rebounded by defeating Fit Finlay at the No Way Out pay-per-view.  Some other stuff is going on, like the debut of Tyson Kidd, but really it is all about Christian, isn’t it?

(opening video)

The Boogeyman vs. Paul Burchill

    They stare down as Burchill tries to make sense of Boogey.  He starts with some clubs and punches.  Running knee for Paul, but Boogey nails some punches and a clothesline.  Back elbow in the corner, and all the way to the other corner for Boogey to hit a forearm.  Boogeyman hits a scoop slam then looks to bring worms out and gets rolled up.
Winner:  Paul Burchill by Rollup @ 1:46

Well, okay then.
Match Rating:  1.0/10

    Recap of No Way Out.  It was a fair little match, though certainly dwarfed by both very impressive Elimination Chambers that night.  We then learn that Christian-Swagger for the title will take place next week!  Um…why?  Why, when Mania is a month away and this is the best ECW match you could hope for on Mania?

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John Morrison (w/ The Miz) vs. Tommy Dreamer

    Dreamer gets an armdrag, but Morrison kicks out and hits a headlock takedown.  Drop toe hold for Tommy followed by an armdrag and side Russian legsweep.  Clothesline sends Morrison to the outside, where Miz provides the distraction for Morrison to hit an ARMDRAG OFF THE APRON.  That was sick.  Back inside, and mounted punches for Morrison, followed by a kick to the back.  Morrison has Dreamer on the ground in an arm trap headlock, but Dreamer nails a snap suplex.  More distraction by Miz, who is ejected.  Neckbreaker for Tommy, and a back body drop.  He nails the running bulldog.  AHHH!  Striker busts “DDT stands for dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane”, which is just remarkable that an announcer would take the trouble to memorize that.  Morrison whiffs on a springboard enziguiri, and Tommy busts out his pump handle suplex.  He goes up top but gets crotched.  Morrison gets shoved off the top rope, though, and Dreamer goes for a double sledge.  Morrison counters with a kick into the Moonlight Drive for the win.

Winner:  John Morrison by Moonlight Drive @ 3:53

    It could have used a lot more time, and suffered again from the Dreamer Syndrome as described last week.  Still, Tommy taking that bump off the apron…I’ve got to give credit for that, it was pretty sweet.  Good start, good sequence leading to the finish, just a really abrupt finish and not enough in between.
Match Rating:  5.4/10

    Backstage, Woggle punches Finlay’s hands.  Christian Cage interrupts to be rat-tailed by Woggle.  Cage wants to make sure Finlay’s son isn’t a distraction in the tag main event.  Finlay promises to keep his end of the deal up.

Tyson Kidd (w/ Nattie) vs. Caden Matthews

    Takedown for Kidd, and a front chancery.  Hammerlock and knee strike, mule kick and running dropkick.  Kidd nails a snapmare and kicks to the back and chest.  Matthews nails a back elbow but it is all for naught as Kidd nails a back spinning kick, slingshot legdrop to the outside and a springboard elbow (a much better one this week) for the win.

Winner:  Tyson Kidd by Springboard Elbow @ 1:36

    Good match for the length, but seriously…are they trying to have forty matches tonight?  Good second week for Kidd, but the squash matches only go so far.  Two more weeks of this and then they need to move him on to beating Burchill or Noble.

Match Rating:  4.3/10

    Backstage, Tommy Dreamer is moping and Ricky Ortiz drops by to cheer him up.  Ortiz tells Dreamer not to forget that he IS ECW.  Rally up!  Ugh.  What an awful catchphrase.

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Big Drippy & Jack SWAGGA vs. Christian Cage & Finlay

    Christian starts out against Drippy, who botches a throw.  Christian nails some of his slap-punches, but gets flapjacked.  Christian slips out of a powerslam and nails a chop block.  Finlay is in and they hit a double dropkick, but Henry takes control and tags in Swagger who gets a spinning takedown, waistlock takedown, and rope break.  Finlay with a short arm clothesline and Cage returns.  Swagger picks him up but Cage gets a sunset flip and spinning kick.  We tease dissention as Finlay is too busy with Hornswoggle to get the tag.

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    Swagger hits a shoulder thrust to Finlay as we return, and throws him to the floor for a mugging by Drippy.  Swagger works a waistlock and tags Henry back in to hit a headbutt into the Drippy Special (for the new readers, his usual line of club-kick-choke-club-punch-club-kick).  Swagger with a back suplex and keeps working the waistlock as if he thinks he’ll get a submission.  Jaw breaker for Finlay, but clothesline for Swagger.  Drippy stands on Finlay, and Atlas hits a cheapshot.  Swagger holds Finlay in a chancery and takes him back to the heel corner, scoop slam for Drippy but the big elbow misses and Christian is in for the hot tag.  Christian nails Drippy, then Swagger accidentally nails Drippy and it’s one-on-one.  Rollup for two for Cage, and he trips Swagger into the ropes and stands on him to choke him.  Belly to belly slam for Swagger, Christian floats over a suplex and hits the Scorpion Death Drop.  He goes up top, shakes off both Drippy and Atlas, but is distracted for a moment.  Belly to belly superplex tease, but in the end Swagger falls and Christian hits a frog splash for a pinfall broken up by Drippy.  He tries to slam Christian but Hornswoggle attacks and bites him in full view of the ref.  Shillelagh to Finlay, but Swagger nails Finlay.  Swagger Bomb attempt countered to an Unprettier!

Winner:  Christian Cage by Unprettier @ 9:01

    Swagger getting pinned for the third week in a row was kind of a ‘what the hell’ moment.  I kind of figured that was what Henry was in the match for.  Now, considering three of the four guys involved you expected this would be an excellent TV main event, and if that’s what you thought I think this was a little disappointing.  It never really reached a high level despite getting the time needed for a main event.

Match Rating:  5.7/10

Overall Analysis: 
    It wasn’t a terrible show, but I was kind of left with a sense of “where did that hour just disappear to?”  The main event was fair enough quality, but everything else was just too damned short, and we didn’t even make up for it with good segments.  Now, the matches weren’t bad per se (with one glaring exception, as is usually the case when the Man of Boogey is involved), but the show just tried to do too much and ended up doing nothing.  You can’t get everyone on TV at once, it’s like the ’07 TNA shows where they had twenty run-ins per match because their roster was too big for a one-hour show and they still wanted everyone on TV.  Well, not exactly like that.  But something like that.  What I’m basically saying is that we need to fire boring people.  More specifically, Boogey and Ortiz.  But the show wasn’t too bad.

Overall Show Grade: C

Bonus:  The Glide’s Bottom Ten!!!

Explanation:  The bottom ten are the wrestlers I, for various reasons, don’t feel deserve their spot, the vicinity of their spot, or anywhere near their spot on the card.

10) JBL – I admit, JBL can cut a great promo at times, but he has just put on awful match after awful match since returning.  Good promo work and awful matches would suggest he be relegated to the level of Santino Marella, but nope…he stays in or near the main event month after month.

9) Scott Steiner – Scott Steiner can’t talk, or rather, can talk but only in a seat-of-your-pants way that you have to pinch yourself every three seconds to follow.  He can’t wrestle against average opponents and keeps almost killing people.  Yeah, I think his time’s up.

8) Triple H – HHH isn’t a bad main eventer, but he doesn’t put on high-quality enough matches anymore to justify a new title reign every six months.  His blatant manipulation of the booking to break Flair’s record is getting hard to watch.

7) The Great Khali – I hate people who can’t wrestle.  I think this one is fairly self-explanatory.

6) Candice Michelle – She’s actually improved a lot, but dear god she bites off more than she can chew sometimes, especially since her latest injury return. 

5) Carlito – Carlito’s weaknesses are covered pretty well by being a tag-team specialist, but nothing was more painful than his 2006 stretch on RAW where he had the abysmal feuds with Flair and Orton, two guys that “abysmal feud” shouldn’t even be an option for.

4) Mike Knox – Is boring.  That is all.

3) Abyss – This might come as a bit of a surprise, as the general consensus among internet writers is that Abyss is pretty cool for how much punishment he’s willing to take.  But for all the hype he gets, I find Abyss’ non-hardcore matches mind-numbingly boring.

2) The Boogeyman – I think I’ve covered Boogey just about enough.

1) Batista – Freaking Batista makes me so mad.  He’s constantly in the main event, constantly putting on garbage matches, and then he goes and gets a title run as a show of faith from the company just because he whined and threatened to quit.  Fact:  I prefer the title runs to go to guys who have worked hard lately and earned it, not based on how happy they are with your company.