The ECW X-Press: 12/9

12/9/2008

Pre-show run-through:
Last week, all my superstars left to go try and win a RAW title. That pretty much sums it up. Still, though Big Drippy and That Manager Who Can’t Talk continue to stalk Hornswoggle, at least they changed the Pay Per View card to Finlay vs. Henry as opposed to involving the midget. That means, on the down side, that we have midget wrestling here tonight! Anyways, apparently they decided all our contenders suck, because rather than the expected Swagger vs. Hardy PPV match, we are seeing Hardy face Vlad Kozlov in a non-title match. Which kind of works for me…we extend Hardy’s reign without burning through all our contenders. Give Swagger some time to simmer. On the good side, RAW Superstars Miz and Morrison are the tag team of the year, and did a very nice stereo lookoff to celebrate.

(opening video)

Tommy Dreamer is in the ring with the same “already in the ring” jobber treatment as last week, the worst part about it is that it’s for a PROMO. He is even a jobber in his PROMOS. Really, WWE? Really? Tommy talks for about six seconds, almost sounding like he’s about to make a retirement speech, but then Kozlov randomly attacks him. Kozlov kind of pushes Dreamer in the chest, which is more than enough to lay Dreamer out for several minutes as Kozlov gives an almost-coherent promo challenging Matt Hardy for Armageddon. Then he spinebusters Dreamer and talks less coherently, and leaves.

Jack Swagger is out to rub salt in Dreamer’s wound. He walks about for a while then hits a Doctor Bomb because he’s a jerk. He busts out the Christian ‘look out into the crowd’ salute. GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!

Slammies Recap.

Jimmy Wang Yang has apparently sunk so low that when he and Funaki are ‘already in the ring together’, it’s Funaki’s music that’s playing. Damn…this from the guy who had basically the 2^nd best ECW TV match of the year with Moore, Miz n’ Morrison last year.

Remember what the 1^st best was? Hint:

Kung Fu Naki & Jimmy Wang Yang vs. John Morrison & The Miz (w/ Slammy Trophies)
Striker says with a straight face that Miz and Morrison should not overlook the formidable duo of Funaki and Yang. Tremendous. Miz mocks Funaki and shoves him. Funaki with a side thrust kick and a mule kick to the face. Yang comes in for a one arm DDT for one. Hammerlock to Miz and a kick to the back. Armbar takedown and an armbar. Miz fights out with some kicks but Yang pops the crowd (and I’m talking literal Rey Mysterio reaction here…apparently his excitement isn’t totally buried) with a swank hurricanrana. Miz with some clubbing. Morrison in but legsweep and standing moonsault by Yang. Funaki comes in for a sledge to the shoulder, DEEP armdrag takedown. European uppercut for Morrison., but he whiffs on a spinning wheel kick. Funaki with a thrust kick to knock Jo Mo out of the ring. Funaki goes up top but gets hotshotted and Morrison threateningly holds Funaki’s leg.

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Miz works a facelock, but Funaki kicks his way out and hits a sunset flip. Miz stays in control with kicks and stomps, and goes to the corner for the running clothesline. The MnM2.0 Combo connects as Morrison tags in. He stomps too, and hits his running knee shot. He chokes Funaki in his own shirt and hits an armdrag. Sleeper into a modified armbar. Funaki slips out of a suplex and gets a rollup, and finally makes the hot tag. High crossbody to Morrison, Miz is knocked to the floor. Clothesline and legsweep for Yang. Axe kick (-ish) move. Yang hits Morrison with the 450 MONKEY FLIP! Miz breaks up the cover. Spinning heel kick to Miz. Moonlight Drive countered, Yang goes for a moonsault press! Misses! Springboard Enziguiri by John and that is that.
Winner: John Morrison by Springboard Enziguiri @ 9:24

This is fantastic stuff. I’ve made it very clear that I am a HUGE Wang Yang fan, he should have gotten a push many times over, Wellness issues aside. Miz and Morrison don’t really have bad matches so this was going to be fine, but they went the extra mile by taking a match you figured would be a squash and giving it 9+ minutes of television to be a good, competitive match. Kudos to all involved. Great finishing sequence as well
Match Rating: 7.6/10

Backstage, Tony Atlas shows off his atrocious red, white, and blue ring attire. Henry tears down his own manager, saying tonight is all about HIM! It’s a shame about the red, white and blue, because after tonight it’ll have green (squished leprechaun) all over it. I need a shovel here, because for the second straight week I am digging Drippy’s promo work.

More Slammy recaps.

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Matt Hardy is backstage. “Vladimir Kozlov wants to call me a coward because he couldn’t beat the clock against me on Smackdown. That’s OK. Let’s see what he has to say when he can’t beat me at Armaggedon.” Yes, that was the whole promo. Yes, it was as lame as it reads.

He’s the Boogeyman, and he’s coming to make Matt Striker wet himself! “What advice would you give to a superstar to stay off the Boogeyman’s holiday wishlist?” –Grish, in the ‘Huh?’ moment of the day.

The Boogeyman vs. Scott Reed
Reed is actually channeling RVD a bit here, as far as his body type and hair. Boogey with a falling powerslam and a big (sloppy) shoulder tackle. Stinger splash and a double chokebomb and we’re done.
Winner: The Boogeyman by Two-Handed Chokebomb @ 0:53

Rating a fifty-three second match is tricky. It was just as bad as a typical Boogeyman match, though the powerslam was well done. I don’t have big hopes for this Boogeyman run, though.
Match Rating: 2.8/10

After the match, it’s worm-a-jobber time. I’ll give Boogey this, he looks a lot creepier now than he did with his ridiculous facepaint during his feud with Viscera.

Backstage, Finlay talks to Hornswoggle, who actually manages to form words (COME ON!) and then proceeds to ruin that small victory for Finlay by saying it four hundred times. COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!

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I’ve got to say, I loved the WWEshop.com Deck the Halls commercial, very clever. That “world-class athletic apparel” line from MVP has been milked to the bone for merch commercials, eh?

More Slammy recaps. Yay for Slammy-award-winning Chris Jericho!

COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!

Big Drippy & Tony Atlas vs. Hornswoggle & Finlay
Atlas and Finlay start. Atlas with a knockdown and they walk it off. Some shoving around in the corner kills time. Finlay is actually getting a big reaction from the crowd here, so I guess the Hornswoggle crap is working to some extent. Side headlock for Atlas. Shoulder block by a very slow and old Atlas. Finlay with a body block and elbow drop for one. Senton splash. Illegal tadpole splash (botched, by the way) to Atlas, and Drippy’s all “bad move, runt.” Finlay is thrown out of the ring and just barely manages to save his son from a ~VADER BOMB TO LEPRECHAUN. Well, good try Drippy. I appreciate the thought.

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Finlay is nailing some rights and a European uppercut to Drippy as we return, but Henry hits a powerslam for one. Atlas in and lays some body shots to Finlay. Finlay pays him back in kind, but Drippy tags in to hit the dreaded neck wrench. Striker gives us an awesome object lesson by telling us to apply a neck wrench to ourselves while we watch. Finlay finally gets out, but Henry hits a knee and does the Henry clubs. Finlay gets a boot up on a charge, but gets caught as he tries to go up top, and Henry nails a big boot and locks a chinlock for a while. Finlay is about to fight back but gets clotheslined. Neck wrench for a while more. Jaw breaker to Henry, and some kicks to the knee. DDT gets two. Finlay hits an enziguiri to a kneeling Henry, but Drippy body blocks him from the ring and grabs Hornswoggle. Scoop slam to Hornswoggle, and he goes for a big splash but Finlay sacrifices himself in clichéd fashion for his son, eating the splash and then falling to the World’s Wettest Slam!
Winner: Big Drippy & Tony Atlas by World’s Wettest Slam @ 10:23

This was actually pretty good. Henry had one of his better matches in a while and I’m starting to think that either something happened to motivate him or he’s just benefitting greatly from working with the awesome Finlay. The one eyesore in here was Atlas, and not just his awful outfit. He should not be allowed to wrestle again. Period.
Match Rating: 5.8/10

Overall Analysis:
We opened and closed the show fairly strong. I do have issues, though, because we basically featured five superstars from ECW, two from another brand, and the rest of our roster either spun their wheels (Hardy, Swagger, Dreamer) or didn’t even merit a MENTION (Gabriel, Ortiz). The return of Boogey is probably going to kill me but based on the quality of the opening and closing matches I can find it in my hard to throw out a…
Overall Show Grade: B

Val Venis Fanclub returns next week!

This week’s bonus: Random thoughts mostly from RAW.
-The HBK/JBL feud has been an absolute exercise in disastrous booking. Everyone who’s been watching RAW for more than three months is well aware that HBK makes seven figures, but snap your finger and have a fat cowboy say so and all of a sudden he’s broke. What’s worse, JBL made the offer to employ Michaels and Shawn walked away without accepting it…but the next week JBL steals his trophy without explanation and Shawn just stands there. What? How does this make sense? In what dimension does this angle work for someone? Who writes this crap?

-MVC was one of Charlie’s best impressions ever. I laughed my ass off. I’d call it top three along with GlamaHaas and Steve Haastin. I already ranted last week on how MVP’s losing streak sucks, but I also like seeing Haas pick up wins by any means necessary, so cool beans.

-I’m kind of excited to see Shane/Greg Helms back in action, though I Youtubed his comeback match against the aforementioned MVP and it didn’t impress me as much as I hoped it would.

-Michael Cole…I’ve kind of tolerated him sometimes and hated him sometimes, but he’s leaving little doubt in my mind recently, he is the worst announcer in the WWE period. I’d be tempted to take Coachman over him and that’s saying something. Countdown to Striker getting his spot…I’m going with five months.

-I’m glad Edge’s Beard didn’t last long. He’s cooler without it.

-Unbelievably enough after being on the most annoying tag team of the 21^st century, being annoying through a full month of cameos, and then getting busted for wellness…I really dig Dolph Ziggler. He’s athletic, he’s a good heel, and his bad gimmick has actually kind of paid off in a pretty funny way.

-“I want to thank Chuck Norris…the esteemed Admiral Ackbar…” –Morrison at the Slammies. Tremendous. And with that, I'm out.

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Comments

Comment #1

i am the firest comment yay but i must say val venis is not my fav wrestler but dont bring back val venis fan club

Posted by nick on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #2

Dude the first commemt doesnt even make sense the second part doesnt at least. But any ways great article. This is my favorite article series!

Posted by nick on is a retard on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #3

I hate Haas. His gimmick copying gimmick is gay. He should get repackaged or released.

Posted by Stefan Escayg on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #4

Nice Job glide!

Posted by Jeff Micheals on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #5

this is my favorite newspaper or article or whatever

Posted by Jigsaw on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #6

I totally agree with you. MVC was the [erfect impersonation of Montel. It made me laugh. I also hate the HBK-JBL angle but we shouldn't draw a bottom line because something tells me that their feud is just getting started.
Btw are there any more columnist tryouts? :P

Posted by RockyVlad on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #7

Great article. After reading it I have no need in watching ECW :)
And Michael Cole isn't so bad. Well, not the worst for sure... Just don't forget, that Adamle was an announcer once... :D

Posted by ARK on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #8

ddeecceenntt, B

Posted by EdgeHead on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #9

ECW needs a new spark. Sure we have Miz and Morrison, Swagger and Bourne but the show can't be carried by 4 people (Cena doesn't count, his pecs will fall off again soon). Someone with charisma, someone athletic, someone extream, someone... called... GILLBERG... PHYSCH!!! gotcha, seriously, they need someone like... Elijah Burke.

Good Article Glide, as always.

Posted by Sean Ryker on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #10

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Posted by Dragon on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #11

Nice show this week I still think Mustleman should get a feature in next weeks show but it is really up 2 u
(I don't think Elijah would have been #1 but still very creative like always)
(=

Posted by Eddierox on Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comment #12

i liked it but i'm waiting for charlie haas to copy the wrong person like the undertaker or kane no no no better yet rikishi aka jr fatu in tna imagin charlie haas as rikishi

Posted by blue blazer on Friday, December 12, 2008
Comment #13

Nah, I've got a better idea for a new feature next show. It'll start off slow but I'm already laughing my ass off at what it'll build up to. The Lashley Bathturd reference was a one-time thing.

Posted by The Glide on Friday, December 12, 2008
Comment #14

where have you been i need to ask the glide some questins about how to make articles like this

Posted by kurt angel on Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The ECW X-Press: 12/9

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