The Fist Lays the Smackdown! for 07/17/09
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to everyone's favorite little article!
THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN!!!
We start off tonight with Jeff Hardy coming down to the ring. He's not fighting until later, but something must be on his mind. I wonder what that could be? Oh, apparently it's a "I've never been to rehab, so I'm not actually a quitter... Er... I'm gonna win at Night Of Champions."
Thank goodness CM Punk comes out to straighten this entire misunderstanding up. It goes like this. "Jeff, you haven't failed a drug test in just over a year. Congratulations! I was thinking of you when I was coming out here, and I stopped off at a pet store, and I got you a puppy! However, on my way to the ring, I got hungry, so I ate it. Aww, don't cry Jeff. I'd never buy you a puppy. Oh, did I mention that you're a terrible role model?"
Jeff attacks, and Punk runs out of the ring and says "Ok ok ok... hold on. Relax. My match is next, so there's no point in either of us getting messed up right now."
MATCH #1
CM PUNK VS. JOHN MORRISON
Several armbar/headlock counters later, Punk takes the initiative. A peculiar, as JR puts it, "Tarantula" style submission on the ropes by Punk gets the ref to give Morrison some breathing room. Punk tries for a GTS, but Morrison counters with a monkey flip, and clotheslines Punk out of the ring. Morrison goes to dropkick Punk out of the ring, but Punk dodges and yanks Morrison out of the ring by his legs. COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Madam Snapshot brand chains. If they're good enough for an 8 Hit Air Combo, they're good enough for your tires in the snow.
We come back to see Punk holding Morrison closely as they dance the ni-.. Leg scissors. Punk lands a belly to belly suplex just to get another leg scissors. Morrison powers out, lands a few standing clotheslines and a vicious running knee and gets a near fall. Morrison puts Punk on the turnbuckle, Dragonrana, reversed into a near fall for Punk. Punk lands a double underhook backbreaker, and a 2 count. He tells the ref he's not getting a puppy either! Punk goes for a fancy roll up, but Morrison just doesn't feel like rolling after those "no puppy" incidents. 1,2,3.
WINNER - JOHN MORRISON
Match Rating - 6/10
It was a pretty good start up fight. The fact that Morrison has beat punk TWICE in non-title matches has got to make punk look even weaker.
Morrison goes to help Punk up, but Punk refuses. He might want to change his name to CM Female Dog after his sourpuss behavior.
Layla came to the ring and danced. The ring was missing something... Plot? Nah, this is WWE... Ricky Ortiz? Apparently, that's how the WWE feels about me thinking something was missing. Ricky says something, and basically gets snubbed. Who's the real loser here? Every one of us who watched this. Ick.
Oh no! It's time for Word Up! Championized? Really? That's not very street or 'hood. That's seems suspiciously like some fancy WWE word. Either way, they bring in an American Football guy, and Jesse tries to steal him away from Cryme Tyme for a party. Man, Jesse needs do something better with his time, like, I dunno, WRESTLE?!?! He gets tossed into a basket and rolled down the hall. Hey, is it time for a match yet? That'd be swell.
MATCH #2
KANE VS. R-TRUTH
Thank god it's not Pretty Ricky. That thing last week made me want to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Kane starts the match with his basic brand of domination. Nothing really happens as we go to commercial.
Madam Snapshot's bottomless pools. Never lose a tooth hitting the bottom of a shallow pool again!
Oh. Kane is still pwning? I'm not surprised yet.R-Truth mustered a little something, but foolishly went to the top rope. That's where he kinda landed face first into Kane's giant boot.
WINNER - KANE
Match Rating - 5/10
Eh. Kane was big. Truth was mediocre. A decent way to kill 3 minutes, not a decent way to kill 10.
Khali comes out. Woo? As Kane taunts Khali, R-Truth sucker drop kicks Kane and runs away. Yep, that's a classic Face move. *facepalm* Then Kane runs away as Khali gives chase.
Pretty Ricky again? *changes channel until it's over*
MATCH #3
THE HART DYNASTY (With NATALYA) VS. CRYME TYME (With EVE TORRES)
JR makes me sad and reminds us all that abusing women is wrong. If one of the girls tag out, the other one can't get hit by men. What does this tell me? It tells me that the WWE still doesn't believe that their ladies can fight with the guys. Oh, right a tag match. Much like every other tag match between these two teams (which happen hourly, by the way.) JTG gets separated from his team. Hot tag to Eve? Eve knocks down Natalya and does a completely unneeded backflip into a moonsault pin. The guys come in from every direction to take our attention off the girls, and break up the count I suppose. Natalya lands a spinning tornado clothesline and flattens Eve. 1,2,3
WINNER - THE HART DYNASTY (With NATALYA)
Match Rating - A total joke. To rate this match would give it meaning. It had none.
Another Dolph/Maria moment. Dolph flexes, Maria kisses his arm. Dolph runs off. I am so happy this promo was 15 seconds long.
The status update on Edge is this. Torn Achilles Tendon. Hard to come back from, but he wants to come back for us. Jericho, however, thinks he just wanted to take a vacation. Edge sits there and lets him talk for about 3 hours before retorting with a "Nuh uh!" Something about him coming back eventually to prove to everyone he's great.
MATCH #4
DOLPH ZIGGLER AND CHRIS JERICHO VS. JEFF HARDY AND REY MYSTERIO
Hey, that's nice, CM Punk has come down to discuss the finer points of this match. Oh, I guess I should be doing that too. Hardy and Jericho start us off. Jericho is slung to the corner, and Jeff lands a nice dropkick to his face. Jericho steps it up a notch and dropkicks Hardy out of the ring. Commercial Break already? Yeah.
When life has you down, and you don't think you can stand up, just grab a bowl of Madam Snapshot's Fists! Delicious oat clusters with tiny marshmallow chain links. Part of a breakfast that the FDA tells me I can't say "is nutritious." ^_~
We come back to see Jeff getting double teamed by Jericho and Ziggler. Ziggler lands a few elbow drops, then grabs Jeff's head and throws it down to the mat. The rest of Jeff eventually follows, as Ziggler tags to Jericho. Jericho lands a clothesline, and gets a near fall. Jericho tosses Jeff to the ropes, but Jeff is the one who whips out a clothesline of his own. He dives for Rey to get in, who leaps in with a springboard crossbody press for a fear fall against Jericho. Rey lands a hurricanrana on Jericho, runs to knock Ziggler out of the picture, and lands a sunset flip to a kick to the head of Jericho. Another near fall for team super-babyface. Jericho gets kicked into 619 position, and Ziggler tags him out before Rey land the kick. Rey kicks Jericho, who's not the legal man, and Ziggler throws Rey off the ring apron backwards into the security railing. Ziggler rolls Rey into the ring and performs a headlock. Ziggler picks Rey up, tosses him into a corner, Rey does a back elbow to counter, and drop kicks Ziggler through the ropes to the ring post. Rey and Ziggler make simultaneous hot tags. Do they cancel each other out? Of course not! Hardy comes out with the whirlwind offence, including his double leg drop to the "lower abdomen", and a few stomps. He gets a 2 count. Jericho leaps to his feet, misses a clothesline, and Jeff lands a Whisper In The Wind. Jericho kicks out. Jeff tries for a hurricanrana, gets countered into a Walls of Jericho, but before it's properly put in, Jeff powers out. Jeff lands a Twist Of Fate. Swanton Bomb connects, but Ziggler makes the save from the pin attempt. Rey dropkicks Ziggler back to his corner, and Jericho retreats to the outside. Jeff rolls out to meet Jericho. He then decides to throw the dazed Jericho into CM Punk at the announcers table.
Oh no he didn't!
Punk throws Jericho back into Jeff, giving Jericho and Ziggler the win by DQ.
WINNER - CHRIS JERICHO AND DOLPH ZIGGLER
Match Rating - 6/10
I've seen much better from all 5 people involved in this match. But still, it could have been MUCH worse.
Rey approached Punk and basically cries about him getting involved. Cue the running dropkick to the outside by Ziggler. Dolph lands whatever the heck he thinks that finisher of his is on Rey on the outside of the ring. Jericho rolls Jeff back into the ring and lands a Codebreaker for good measure, smiling like he just got away with stealing candy from a baby. Jericho puts on the Walls Of Jericho on Jeff as Punk watches from the sidelines. Punk slowly turns and walks away as the ref pulls Jericho off of Jeff.
SHOW RATING - 5/10
This was a show that I didn't really care one way or the other for. Kane was lackluster, the promos were infantile in quality at best, and they need to make a decision about a CM Punk face/heel dynamic. So far, this is pretty Bi-polar.
Comments below please! Remember, I only do this because I love you ME!
Comments
Comment # 2
heyy...was that Bi-Polar thing towards me? =D
Posted by Bolar on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment # 3
Of course not. *facepalm*
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment # 4
Good article as always Snaps :D
Posted by Johnny Blaze on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment # 5
Heh heh......tires....snow....it was a pun. :P
Nice article Ms. Snapshot :)
Posted by Tunga on Monday, July 20, 2009
Comment # 6
Yeah, I think I'm not going to do the "Matches From The Vault" anymore, as apparently not everyone gets them, and they make me angry.
Further, if I have extra space in the article, I'm gonna put in my own advertisements. Detractors can kindly go die in a fire.
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 7
Kane? Lackluster? *Baseball bat to the face*. You went in to detail in approximately NONE of your matches. Kane caught R-Truth (yeah, the 200 pound R-Truth) in his arms like a baby more than once in that match. Besides that point, Pretty Ricky is sickeningly funny. Only Americans would get it :p. Other than that, The Vince is pleased for now.
Posted by Vince on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 8
Vince - please explain why Pretty Ricky's funny... I for one really don't see why he would be
I wouldn't have minded a bit of detail on some of the matches, but having seen the show it doesn't really matter. Entertained me anyway, I like the adverts
Posted by The General on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 9
Vince - As an American, the only humor I find in Pretty Ricky is when I change the channel to see something else entertaining.
As for the Kane thing, he wasn't that impressive this week. Could have been R-Truth, could have just been an off week. *shrug*
As for the detail of matches, what exactly was the main event if NOT all detail? You're free to your opinion though.
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 10
fistfistfistfistfist - and snaps - see above
Posted by Corrosion on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 11
what ricky? got nothing good to add then shut up!
Posted by ? on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 12
Pretty Ricky is not funny. Pretty Ricky makes me want to break my television screen, shove a bomb inside, then chunk the broken television off the Empire State Building at the young of some extremely cute endangered species.
Note that Snapshot is working with a word limit. I could easily top 1500 words recapping a 1 hour show in move-by-move detail. A two hour show in full detail just isn't doable; the way she's doing it now is flawless.
Posted by The Glide on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Comment # 13
The writers who recap the shows need a greater word limit. Recap article's are not the same as columns and shouldn't be treated as such. DON'T increase the word limit for the columns, most of them wank on too much as it is, just increase it for the recaps.
Posted by Jack West on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Comment # 14
Pretty Ricky is funny. -5 for team whoever disagrees.
Posted by Vince on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Comment # 15
Aww, Glide, I didn't know you cared. ^_~
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Comment # 16
No, Pretty Ricky is not sickeningly funny, just sickening, i notice you didn't say your reasoning's to why he was funny Vince, and do not say she doesn't put enough detail in the matches, even putting "approximately NONE" in, it's still more then yours, so don't say she doesn't...
You are a great article writer Madam Snapshot, a lot better then Vince by a long shot
Posted by Crazy Steve on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Comment # 17
Sigh.......can't we all just get along?
Posted by Tunga on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Comment # 18
Crazy Steve, you are fat. The reason Pretty Ricky is sickeningly funny is because now we all know R-Truth is smart enough to parody a hoodrat, and the people he tries to .. er.. seduce..?..are completely unaware. Maybe it's that, and the fact that hey, I think he looks funny. There are a lot of people who'd agree with me, just not the type of demographic who'd have internet access :p
Posted by Vince on Thursday, July 23, 2009
Comment # 19
Great Article, All the haters can go burn themselves in a fire i think was the phrase that Madam used. +1000 For a great article
Posted by Psycho Lesnar on Friday, July 24, 2009
Comment # 20
Lesnar - It's die in a fire, but I appreciate the sentiment. ^_^
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Friday, July 24, 2009
Comment # 21
What ever happened to Ron "the truth" killings
Posted by WBE on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
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Comment # 1
I'm fat? You want to call me fat? 160 lbs, 6 ft tall, i go to a gym and have been classed as average weight, i don't think i'm fat...
Thank you for voicing your opinions about why Pretty Ricky is funny, even if i disagree, and is the demographic that would agree with you 5 year olds? because they generally don't have internet access
Posted by Crazy Steve on Thursday, July 23, 2009