The Saturn Effect

The Saturn Effect

“Cole Miners Unite!”

by Tartarus 3:16

Salutations gents, ladies and yes, even everyone else. Welcome to the first edition of The Saturn Effect! Now normally, this would be the time where I try to make you all laugh with a corny, food based joke based on sandwiches or get this……..SODA! Nope. I would never, EVER stoop so low to such shallow and desperate tactics as that. Nope. Never. You have my word. Oh, that reminds me! As a gift for being my first readers, on behalf of the staff at The Saturn Effect, allow me to introduce to you our latest product; Saturn Strudels!

Ever wanted to experience outer space AND you were hungry at the same time? Well with Saturn Strudels, you can! Jam packed with substances straight from the surface of the planets, like Earth, Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto(NOW DISCONTINUED), Saturn Strudels are guaranteed to enrich your taste buds and are filled with vitamins and minerals. So what are you waiting for, kids? Sneak out the house, rob the supermarket, annoy your mom or heck, hold the mayor at gunpoint; do whatever it takes to get a box of Saturn Strudels today!

**WARNING**- Never try Saturn Strudels. Saturn Strudels are guaranteed to cause, liver damage, brain tumors, kidney failure, indigestion, gastrointestinal distress, salmonella, heart failure, comas and death(if you’re lucky).

                         So anyways, now that your tummies are full, let’s get on with the article!

 “Cole Miners Unite!”

“Douchebag”, “parrot”, “Heidenreich’s secret lover(mind you I could say more, but swearing isn’t allowed in articles) whatever you wanna call him, he’s Michael Cole and like it or not, he’s here to stay. Now I’ll be honest. I like Michael Cole. From a rookie on Smackdown, to a veteran on RAW, Michael Cole has received a lot of unfair controversy as of late, or should I say the moment he replaced JR on RAW. At first, I didn’t get it. Michael Cole was doing fine on Smackdown. He was well respected and no matter who it was on commentary with him, Michael Cole was gold. Everyone loved him. But then, from the instant he goes to RAW, has some botchy moments, gets involved in a “feud” with Daniel Bryan, which reflects nothing on their relationship in real life, and “replaces” JR on the WWE intro, suddenly, like magic, we have marks and kids alike hating on him? I seriously didn’t get how such a revered and well liked person like Cole could be hated the minute he “replaces” JR on RAW in an action in which he had absolutely no control over?

 Just for the people who didn’t catch on, I’m being sarcastic. For all you Cole haters out there, or 98% of the wrestling fan population and 100% of the vegan population, answer me this? Why is it that when Cole is over on Smackdown, you all don’t seem to mind him, but when he “replaces” JR on RAW, and makes a string of botches that for some whatever reason make him a bad commentator, you hate him? Was it his fault that the WWE Draft had him sent to RAW and JR to Smackdown? Now I know it’s fixed and all, but I can assure you, Michael had absolutely nothing to do with the roster transition. Mind you that him being favored by Vince as his “parrot” was once he was settled in on RAW. That might give somewhat an excuse for this, but remember, this happened after, not before the roster transition. It’s just the ideas of the WWE Creative Team.

They’re the real criminals! Not Cole! They’re the reason that one day, Kofi Kingston takes on a vampire gimmick, Santino Marella becomes the Antichrist or Vladimir Kozlov and Yoshi Tatsu become an on-screen gay couple. It’s as simple as that. I will say though that it was hard for me to stomach the fact that a legendary commentary team of such magnitude be torn apart like that, and I’m sure Michael felt the same way. That’s no excuse to bear that responsibility on him. His dues have been long paid and this harboring hate over someone else’s poor decision isn’t fair or respectable. Now’s the point where you say, “But he hates Daniel Bryan”, “He makes a lot of botches” and blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

On NXT, he plays a heel. Keyword, plays! In other words, he doesn’t act like that in real life. Can we all please remember the fact that the people you see on screen are products of WWE, with the exception of a few? The way they act, dress, talk. It’s part of their character. Now as far as the botches go, let’s face it. Everyone makes mistakes. No matter who it is. Whether we like them or love them. A mistake is a mistake no matter how big it is or who it is from. Botches on the mic, in the ring. They’ve all made ‘em. But for people you like, do you care how many mistakes they’ve made in the past? No. Do you care they looked foolish at the time of the mistake? No. Have you ever stopped liking them because of the mistake, even for a minute? No. Why? Because you like them and you realize that being human is not an excuse to hate someone especially when you realize they never meant to make the mistake in the first place. You realize they never meant to hurt anyone. It wasn’t for cheap laughs or anything of the sort. Why is it you can’t realize this for Michael Cole? Sure he’s made plenty of mistakes, but who cares? Who is it hurting? What does it prove? He’s human? Since when is it a bad thing? You think he likes embarrassing himself on LIVE television? Sit down and think for a minute before you start flaming someone over nothing. Michael Cole hasn’t done anything wrong in recent years except make you believe him as an incompetent, poor man’s replacement. People, look beyond his mistakes. Except for the botches and heel attitude, he hasn’t done anything guilty of such mass, undeserved scorn.

As for the people who used to be “Cole Miners” but now jump on the “Cole Haters” bandwagon, all I have to say is shame on you! How can you just go with the flow instead of defending one of WWE’s greatest on-screen characters? How can you stand idly by while he’s constantly ridiculed and scorned over something that happened two years ago that was NOT HIS FAULT?! Where’s the justice? Where’s the people out there who actually want to stand up for the little guy? I for one can’t stand it any longer! Now I know where I stand certainly won’t get me over with you, but I don’t care!  I’m willing to put my future on the line as a TWG article writer for Michael Cole!! Did I just say? Er…..never mind. The point is anyone as dedicated to the business as Michael Cole is doesn't deserve it at all. For someone to blame him for something he never did or hate him for doing his job like he’s supposed to is absolutely asinine. Put yourself in his shoes for once and maybe you’ll have a better understanding on what he goes through and maybe you actually might have some sympathy for him. Look at all the people that are and were big whiners backstage or were and still are actual douchebags like Bubba the “Never Will Get Any” Love Sponge. Man or woman I might add. He's selfish, self-centered, he makes a lot of people backstage upset and he never gets along wqith anyone! THAT is someone to hate! When was the last time Michael Cole has ever complained backstage, acted like a jerk or even took the last donut from the refreshments table? Let me guess? You're checking it out on Google right? Thought so.  Anyways, that ends my article. I’m Tartarus 3:16 and you’ve been mooned! Get it? outer space? Mooned? Yeah, I know. Corny joke. Get over it! :P

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