First of all I want to apologize for leaving you high and dry for 3 weeks. Far Cry replaced me, and for that I thank him.

Today we’re going to start off with a rant! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you

The Bloodless victim rant!

Mr “Crowly” Murder asked me if I think Smackdown is better off without Edge and Jericho. (at least that’s what I hope he asked me cause I lost his message `o_O )

So, during the draft we lost 3 major stars: Jericho, Edge and Morrison! And we lost them cause the WWE wanted to crush the competition (aka TNA). TNA management was smart and moved the show back to Thurdays (I think… I don’t watch TNA).

Anyway, I am glad we lost Edge and Jericho cause they were starting to become repetitive and soap-opera-ish. I especially disliked the damn Spear chants! And the fact that everyone was expecting to see a Christian-Edge feud. Captain Botch vs. Rated PG Superstar will fail!

So yeah, Smackdown is better off without those guys although I’m still hoping to see Morrison come back just because Raw isn’t a wrestling show!

SMACKDOWN! NEEDS! AN! EXTRA! HOUR!

And now it’s time to get this blood fest started!

KANE IS THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

And he’s out with the title around his waist to a ginormous pop from the crowd. Sorry for not being objective but I’ll be damned if that title belt isn’t sexy.

He… what the hell are you doing Kane? Are you praising the midget? And Swagger’s pathetic ankle lock?

He says that he did it for the Undertaker and we see clips of them working together. HELL WILL REIGN SUPREME! VENGEANCE!PYROS!

Tonight Rey will face Swagger in a 2 out of 3 falls match! And the winner of that bout will become the #1 contender and will face Kane at SummerSlam.

“Captain Botch” Christian and Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes

Hardy and McIntyre start off and Matt seems to be in control with arm locks and punches. He tags in Christian who’s boring us to death with headlocks. Missile dropkick from the second rope does nothing to the Scotsman. Cody gets in and gets flapjacked. Modified whisper in the wind. Double elbow to Cody’s face. NOT THE FACE! Now the “Sinister Scotsman” is in and tris to lock in the DDT but he flies over the top rope. Cody follows him. Christian does his second rope-to-outside dive as he head into commercials.

We’re back and we seesome “vintage Christian” as he uses that rope choke. Cody uses Hardcore Holly’s Alabama Slam. He dropkicks Christian in the back who falls on his face like an idiot…Drew is in and he’s grinding an elbow in his face. Alabama Slam reversed into a sunset flip. Double clothesline and the tag is made on both sides. Second rope tornado DDT.The referee is distracted by Rhodes. Future Shock reversed into a small package. Christian interferes and gets punched in the eye, “by mistake” by Matt (I smell storyline). Side effect hits Cody. Matt is apparently checking up on Christian and completely ignores his REAL opponent. Boot to the face gets the Scotsman’s team a victory.

Winners: Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes

Post match, Christian and Hardy shake hands so… no harm done, right?

I know you missed him! Josh “Retarded Questions” Mathews!

Swagger is upset… because that mean Rey Mysterio CHEATED him out of his world Heavyweight Championship. And tonight he will get his revenge when he will shatter his ankle! And after that he will go on to beat up Kane at SummerSlam and send him where he sent his father… to the hospital!

Are you kidding me? That was his warrior speech? He will put Kane in the hospital? What the hell is wrong with you WWE Writers? Swagger needs a manager to do the talking for him!

Alberto Del Rios Promo!

Someone tell me who this guy is!

LayCool Party

The girls are backstage celebrating their MITB success. Teddy comes in and announces a Women’s Title match between Tiffany and Layla. And it will be next week right here on Smackdown! And that’s real talk! *facepalm*

Kofi Kingston(/w Michael McGillicuty) vs. Dolph (/w Vickie Guerrero)

They start off with rollups and trading holds. But at least it’s fast paced.Kofi’s flippy floppy around the ring but a club to the neck stops him dead in his tracks. Neckbreaker! And Kofi is out writhing in pain. Vickie starts yelling like only she can. She sends Michael McGillicuty out of the arena. PUNCH HER you sissy! COMMERCIALS!

We’re back to see Dolph focusing his attacks on Kingston’s neck. Kofi starts kicking and punching like a wounded cougar trying to get Dolph off him but a neckbreaker sends him to the mat once again. A couple of illegal chokes almost get Ziggler disqualified. Modified camel clutch. Failed standing elbow drop and a failed neckbreaker enable Kofi to come back in this match. Dropkick and flying forearms send Dolph to the ground for the BOOM DROP! Missed TiP and an interference from Vickie give Ziggler enough time to get up and hit the Zig Zag. Sleeper hold sends Kofi to the land of flying unicorns.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

The winner grabs the Intercontinental title and poses with it over Kofi’s body.

Luke Gallows vs. The Big Show

Actually scratch that… The mistery man will replace Luke Gallows.

Joey Mercury vs. The Big Show

Low dropkick annoys Show who takes off his mask. He puts it on and KO Punches Mercury.

Winner: The Big Show

Dashing Cody Rhodes teaches you how to cut your nose hair! ZOMG! I think I’m blind!

Josh “Retarded Questions” Mathews part 2

Do you think your body will stay in one piece tonight?

Rey: I’m in pain but I’m a modern day batman! I will drag myself out in that ring and I will whoop Swagger’s ass 2 times! Then at Summerslam I will become the prince charming that will slay the beast! For I’m Rey-Rey and I’ll make all the kiddies happy!

Alberto Del Rio

That guy looks like a soap opera megastar. And he even sounds like one!

He’s awesome and he loves himself and that’s why he’s better than you!

I’m going to need some details about this guy… Can any one of my faithful readers please help me out with this?

MAIN EVENT!

#1 contender, 2 out of 3 falls match

Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger

EARLY rollup from Rey gets him nothing. Jack is really aggressive but really careless and manages to get head scissored and thrown out of the ring. COMMERCIALS

We’re back to see Jack in control of this match. Drop toe hold stops Swagger dead in his track. Moonsault attempt stopped. Powerslam! Body scissors and a boston crab make Rey scream in pain. ROPEBREAK! Ankle against the steel ringpost! Leg DDT! And another one.Kicks to the ribs of the Oklahoma dude followed by a springboard crossbody get Rey a 2. FACEBUSTER! ANKLE LOCK! Mysterio is trying to fight it. He grabs the ropes. Jack drags him back away from the ropes. ROPEBREAK! Referee counts to 5 and Rey gets the first point.

SCOREBOARD: 1-0

Jack spears the ringpost! Top Rope Hurricanrana! On the second rope! 619 is caught! ANKLE LOCK! TAPOUT!

SCOREBOARD: 1-1

The commentators are making Rey look like a sure loser. I hate it when they do that! Because that usually means that he’ll have one of those superman-esque returns. Why can’t the bad guys just shatter an ankle and win DAMNIT?

Botched spinebuster appears to kill Rey. Big Bad Vader Bomb! And another one! For just a 2 count! 3^rd time is a fail! Double shot to the chin. Seated Senton! Failed Gutwrench powerbomb attempt! Crucifix Pin! DAMNIT!

SCOREBOARD: 2-1

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Rey is the NEEEEEEEW #1 contender for Kane’s Title!

Swagger tries to apply the ankle lock once again. HELL, FIRE, BRIMSTONE, AND BIG BAD RED PYROS! Kane is out to make the save!

Chokeslam for Swagger. Rey is petrified in fear. Kane helps him back up. DO IT! DO IT NOW!

He disappoints the hell out of me by raising Rey’s arm in victory. He gets out of the ring… And he rushes back in! CHOKESLAAA..reversed into a head scissors! 619!

Wasn’t he supposed to have some injured legs? Damn that no-selling of yours, Rey Mysterio.

The show ends with Kane trying to pull his own hair (what’s up with that?he’s bald!) and yelling at the yellow Mexican little man.

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

PS: I would like to send out a massive thank you to last night’s storm which was kind enough to make the power go out and eat half of my article.