Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 01/15/10

*Jumps in in front of the audience* BOO! Don’t worry, mere mortals, your master, Phenom The Vampire Lord is here with his Smackdown! report. Hopefully Teddy Long will give us some good matches tonight and hopefully the WWE writers won’t make me go ballistic! So let’s get this blood fest started!

The steel cage is back! Apparently it’s designed to keep the competitors in and everyone else out. Hmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with Taker’s non-appearances from last week…Speaking of The Phenom, he has something to say tonight…Wohoo, maybe he’ll say something about Mr.Kennedy… because tonight’s show is held in GREENBAY, Wisconsin.

Parasites time!
Eat the walls down… oh, wait, that is Big Show’s theme song… Break the walls down! Jericho comes down to the ring for his next match and he seems to have a purple cheek… wonder what happened there… Oh, wait, nevermind, the almighty Raw replay is here to show us how Mike Tyson punched Chris during this week’s Raw. Priceless, but I still don’t like the Monday night show…By the way, Tyson’s crotch chops look really bad, like he has no bones in his hands or something!
Chris is not a broken man, he’s just a purple man! And he won’t go away… because Tyson is a washed up has been abd he’s the best and the baddest! And the face of Smackdown… I think that SD! needs a new face cause this one is a bit purple… And he’ll win the Royal Rumble and he’ll be awesome!
AWESOME! John Morrison’s coming down the ramp AFTER he does the slow motion entrance pose and pyrotechnics.

John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho
A slap and a clothesline and Jericho is out of the ring! JoMo rises on the turnbuckle and… McIntyre’s song is heard…
COMMERCIALS

The Vampire Sandwich Hut was a complete failure and it was closed down! I’m doing my best to revive that amazing place that gave us so many happy moments, so many garlic bread sandwiches… Stay tuned for more details!

John Morrison’s in the driving seat , oh wait, there’s Jericho’s retaliation… Backbreaker, russian leg sweep combo by John. Here comes the flying chuck… oh no, it’s countered with a shove, and down goes The Friday Night Delight. Slingshot splash thing gets Jericho a 2. Pointless submission attempt, and JoMo is back with a dropkick and running knee! Chris hits a running bulldog, missed Lionsault, but the flying chuck connects! Walls of Jericho are contered, missed Starship Pain, missed Walls, but a faceplant gets Chris a 2! The Walls are locked in place! But the bottom ropes save him. Not for long though as the Codebreaker gets the 1,2,3!
Winner: Chris Jericho
After the match Drew gets in the ring and walks over JoMo’s face.OUCH!

The WWE magazine!
I understand that WWE’s going PG but an article about how to make Taker’s sign in the snow? That’s stupid! *Eats a garlic bread sandwich*

Shave your heads people!
CM Punk is the leader of the Straightedge Society and he won’t stop until each and every one of us is BALD! I mean saved… This can be you? I wish you’d try that! No one’s coming anywhere near my hair! And Luke can talk? Oh my, stop talking… please! *Insert the “I’m going to win the Royal Rumble” lines*. And it seems like we have a new idiot, I mean respectable young man willing to be shaved! Oh my, look at Luke rubbing Trevor’s chest! Yadda yadda, we don’t care about what they said here… STOP! Trevor’s hair is falling on the mat… you poor, poor soul!
The vampire elders have heard my prayers! Matt Hardy and Khali are coming!
COMMERCIALS!

I am trying to sell “ Revive the Vampire Hut” t-shirts! The money gained from this will be used to re-open the world famous Vampire Sandwich Hut! Buy people, buy!

Did you know?
Honestly, who cares about percentages and numbers and all that? The Royal Rumble is awesome! Numbers make it dull!

Fatal 4 way tag team match for the #1 contendership for the Unified Tag Team Titles
Matt Hardy & Khali vs. Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme vs. CM Punk and Luke
The match starts with Matt and DH Smith being BORING as usual! Tags, tags and CM Punk is getting killed by JTG! Some tag work and 5 people are thrown outside. Hardy decides to be Hardy and climbs the turnbuckle then jumps on them! Inverted Full Nelson Spinebuster and Team Straightedge wins!
Winners:CM Punk and Luke Gallows!
WHAT? THAT WAS IT? *eats a sandwich* Stupid WWE writers, stupid Vince that was AWFUL!

Interview with the Animal!
This is how it all went:
Interviewer: Batista, what do you think about Rey? You must be feeling pretty good inside that cage! You have the upper hand!
Phenom’s thoughts: Batista, in a cage… Yay, my dream of seeing the Animal at the zoo has come true.
Batista: GRR, I have nothing to say about Rey!
Interviewer: But if you win you’ll go on to face The Undertaker at the Rumble!
Batista: I don’t care about The Undertaker! *barks*
Interviewer: But, Batista…
Batista: I have nothing to say about The Undertaker or about Rey Mysterio. Stop asking me silly questions or else…*grins and barks*
Phenom’s thoughts: Chill out, Batista, have a garlic bread sandwich!

The Undertaker Speaks!?!
Point 1 on the list: Scare the living hell out of Batista and Rey Mysterio
The Undertaker will continue to dominate and collect souls! Last week he sent a warning to Batista and Rey, and he will win at the Royal Rumble!
Point 2 on the list: Wrestlemania 26
The Undertaker’s streak is awesome, but Shawn Michaels has come close to winning at WM25! And he even challenged The Phenom to a rematch! Oh noes… And Taker will go to Raw this Monday to deliver his message personally…WHAT? Why would you do that to yourself, Taker? Raw is poison!
Rest in Piece…

Cheap WWE website promotion!
Checkout the Royal Rumble microsite! NOT! Buy the Vampire Hut t-shirts!

Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix
Hair and screaming. Mickie James is not fat! She is HOT!
Winner:Mickie James

Josh interviews Dolphie!
Dolphie is on a roll and after he wins tonight he will move on to win the Royal Rumble and then he will win the Wrestlemania 26 main event and he will be awesome!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane
Kane starts off with some stiff blows! And a nice faceplant, dropkick combo by Kane! And the elbow drop finally connects! And Kane shakes the sleeper hold off! COMMERCIALS!

These commercials are annoying, I want to see Kane, and I want a sandwich! Luckily for me I still have some left in the kitchen!

We’re back to see Kane jobbing to the Blonde wonder! I love Kane’s right hand… Uppercuts, clotheslines, powerslam! Dropkick from Ziggler, followed by that annoying sleeper hold! Flying clothesline missed! Zig Zag countered with a CHOKESLAM! That was a brutal looking chokeslam!
Winner: Kane

Josh is an idiot!
I have no idea why but every time I see Josh I have the impression that he’s an absolute idiot! Anyway, Rey will win tonight because he has been an underdog before! Tonight his dream will come true! It won’t be a nightmare, it will be a dream come true, or so he says!

Main EVENT! #1 contender’s match! Steel cage match!
Batista vs. Rey Mysterio
They needed 4 minutes to get the match started… so that was boring! I mean 4 minutes of walking down a silly ramp?
Rey’s almost ouf of the cage, but Batista catches his leg.Some kicks and a missed crossbody! Batista s using his power to dominate Rey in the corner, but a forearm in the back of the knee stops the offense. And Batista is resting on the second rope in a perfect 619 position, but The Masked Warrior uses him as a trampoline to climb up the walls of the cage! Big Dave catches the leg though and goes for a powerbomb, but it gets countered with a sunset flip that does nothing! And Rey’s face meets the steel as Batista throws him into the steel wall! Batista’s shoes are dirty so he uses Mysterio’s mask to clean them up!And again, rey is slammed against the wall face-first! Seated senton followed by… A big boot from Dave and a missed spear! That has got to hurt!Kicks and strikes and a springboard leg drop. The springboard bulldog is countered with a faceplant, and a spinebuster ! and OH MY! Batista is turning into Scott Steiner! Pushups and flexes! Awful!Failed Batista Bomb and Rey’s climbing up the walls! Dave wants to exit through the open door but Mysterio kicks it closed!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
The show was above average I would say… John Morrison and Chris Jericho put on a good show! Kane won after a nice match! Taker said a couple of words so that was awesome, and the main even wasn’t as bad as I thought it will be…


This isn’t my area but everyone’s doing it so, it’s Genesis predictions time!

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH
AJ Styles (champion) vs. Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle

Beer Money, Inc. vs. Kevin Nash and Scott Hall
NWO!

“The Monster” Abyss vs. “The Boss” Bobby Lashley
Abyss!

TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The British Invasion (champs) vs. “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan and Hernandez
Matt Morgan and Hernandez

TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP! 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS
ODB (champion) vs. Tara
Tara

TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Amazing Red vs. (to be announced that night)
Mystery opponent

Sean Morley vs. Daniels
Daniels

The Pope vs. Desmond Wolfe
Desmond Wolfe

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article,I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

Comments

1. Comment #1

   Wow, that was a great job explaining the matches.

   Posted by The Unknown on Tuesday, January 19, 2010

2. Comment #2

   not such a good job of predicting the genesis card :(

   Posted by nitro on Tuesday, January 19, 2010

3. Comment #3

   @ Comment 3.
   
   Your the reason the world is so serious

   Posted by Joshua Wallace on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

4. Comment #4

   3 out of 8 bad bad prediction:D
   
   P.S. i agree Josh does a look that a drooling retarded child would do, such humbled emptiness in his eyes

   Posted by dejan on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

5. Comment #5

   thank you all for your comments...
   @#3... i'm available, if you can move your fatass over here
   and i haven't watched TNA in over a year... so...

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

6. Comment #6

   As soon as i found out that it was kendrick i thought okay then... wwe sucks good one Phoenom

   Posted by Cazza on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

7. Comment #7

   Mickie James IS fat

   Posted by Eddy on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

8. Comment #8

   Mickie James is NOT fat...she's just SHORT! She's only 5'4". So she has a bit of meat on her...but that just means she's able to rock the bedroom a bit more than most women...while still being skinny enough to be bendable in oh so many hot ways. Trust me, she's not fat.

   Posted by Koj Tije Dedo on Wednesday, January 20, 2010

9. Comment #9

   LMAO almost all your predictions were WRONG

   Posted by RockyVlad on Friday, January 22, 2010

10. Comment #10

    rey mysterio rules!!!!! and i agree that mickie james is NOT FAT

    Posted by rey mysterio on Saturday, January 23, 2010

11. Comment #11

    KELLY KELLY & MIKIE JAMES IS SEXY AND I DONT WANT 2 SEE YALL TALKIN BOUT THEM GIRLS lc PANTHER LETS GO

    Posted by MALIK COCKFIELD on Sunday, January 24, 2010

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