Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 01/22/10

Hello there, beloved mortals and followers of the Vampire Lord…aka ME! The Vampire’s Crypt is a little late this week because the Phenom’s hard drive decided to commit suicide! *sad face* But now, after 5 days of waiting and cursing, I have a new hard drive to abuse… *happy face with an evil grin*.  So, I guess I should stop apologizing to you mortals and get this blood fest started!

The Royal Rumble is just 9 day away according to Todd Grisham! And also, according to Todd, and the Smackdown graphics tonight we will see a 2 on 1 handicap match between Chris Jericho & Drew McIntyre and John Morrison! Yay for JoMo!

Batista is out, and apparently he lost his pyros somewhere along the path to heelness! And all he has now is a dark arena with a spotlight, and some flexes. BORING! I’m guessing he won’t win the Royal Rumble…

And his opponent tonight is! Hornswo… I mean Finlay! wohooo

Finlay vs. Batista

Classic start of the match. And apparently Finlay is on fire tonight! Second rope dropkick! Oh My! Finaly has found the fountain of youth! Look at him go! Rolling Hills and a running seated senton! A kick to the head and Batista is out of the ring! And Batista pokes him in the eyes getting himself disqualified! BOO!

Winner: Finlay

Big Dave attacks The Irishman outside! A spear and a throw into the crowd barriers! And a run into the steel ring post followed by a run into the steel steps! Come on Batista! Be an animal! Rage! Fury! Break his bones!

Spinebuster back in the ring!

Batista gets himself a microphone…bah…

Dave: Imagine that times 29! Cause that’s gonna happen at the Rumble!

Phenom: Trying to imagine Dave, but all I see is you being thrown over the top rope!

Dave: You hear me, Undertaker? I’m getting my title back one way or the other!

Smeagol: My precioussss!

Phenom: No you’re not!

Dave: I’m gonna win the Royal Rumble and I’m going to end the streak!

Phenom: We need a doctor! Batista is daydreaming!

As Batista is making his way back up the ramp, we see a graphic… According to the graphic, Rey is calling The Undertaker out! TONIGHT!

Let’s save someone tonight! And let’s make fun of someone’s hair too!

A clip from last week’s SD! is shown as the straightedge barbers pose for the fans at the top of the ramp! If you want to see it, then go to the other report and read it! I’m too proud to say the same things over and over again!

Punk tells us how great he is, he is the #1 contender for the Unified Tag Team Titles because he’s straightedge! As if straightedge=title shot or something… Wait, no, Straightedge= Royal Rumble win nowadays! Keep on dreaming pal!

Bah, you know what? this shaving thing is really annoying! I mean, look at me, I’m going to radically change your life by shaving your head and making you say some silly words I call a pledge? Bah, grow up Punk!

PS: I love my hair!

PS 2: The bloody promo lasted for about 15 minutes! 15 bloody minutes in which we could have seen the Hart Dynasty or Cryme Tyme. Way to go WWE!

Saving the garlic bread sandwiches!

The Vampire Sandwich Hut, in association with Blood Ties (the movie) will create a series of special commercials, featuring your beloved characters from the epic vampire series: Henry Fitzroy, Vicki Nelson etc. The first ever commercial will be aired later on tonight so stay tuned!

Let’s see how much time out of the Phenom’s life we can fill with our entrances!

I understand that the WWE writers are dumb! And that they can’t think of a good show each week but nowadays they can’t even make A show! ANY SHOW!

*cue slow motion pyros and indoor wind for John Morrison*

And they only need about 2 minutes and 15 seconds to get themselves in the ring! NEW WORLD RECORD!

Gotta love the playa!

Teddy Long comes out and tells us that Vickie can make matches only if he approves them! So he’s out here tonight because Ms. Guerrero forgot to ask him about this match!

So it’s going to be a 2 on 2 tag team match and John Morrison’s tag team partner will be… Drum roll please…R-Truth!

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho & Drew McIntyre

The match starts off with John and Chris! Athleticism and tag team work! And team face si in control of the match, having both opponents out of the ring! Some poses for the fans and a DOUBLE AXE HANDLE? Holy blood of the elders! Hair pull, dropkick combo by team heel and JoMo is struggling to get back in the ring. Drew is tagged in and he starts to slowly wear John down with some hard hits and… AN ARMBAR?

WE need to hear some “This Is Boring” chants!

Kicks to Joh’s face and ribs and Jericho is back in. Boring submission moves! This isn’t TWG you know, no more armbar and fist lock wins! Backbreaker, Russian leg sweep combo from John! Nice comeback! But Jericho is faster than JoMo and manages to tag in the Scottish Warrior as we dive head first into COMMERCIALS!

Henry Fitzroy says…

Fighting mythical creatures and solving cases with my partner is a very hard job. That’s why I always have the Vampire Sandwich Hut on speed dial! They have everything I could possibly need and their prices aren’t bad either! Call now! And that’s a direct order from Henry Fitzroy, the duke of Richmond!!!

We’re back to see an arm lock! So exciting! Hurricanrana countered with a backbreaker by Drew… nice stuff! And a good looking suplex! Followed by a  rope choke, and some shots to the ribs of the Friday Night Delight! CJ places Morrison on the turnbuckle, 2 superplex attempts but there goes JoMo with the Crossbody! The Walls are blocked but once again team heel manages to keep John away from Truth! Snap suplex  and a DDT from John! COME ON! It’s hot tag time! Truth is on fire! Damn, that big boot  looked nasty! And John knees Drew in the face! Way to go! Enziguri out of nowhere from Jericho on R-Truth! But Morrison kicks Jericho in the face, and a corkscrew scissors kick gets him the 1,2,3!

Winners: John Morrison & R-Truth

Biggest mistake the WWE ever made video!

We are shown a clip from Wrestlemania 22 with Mysterio winning the World Heavyweight Championship! Boo!

Pathetic moment of the week!

Mickie James is not fat! And to be honest, this whole “feud” makes Michelle look like a 2 year old! And that makes the Undertaker look bad!YEAH! I know that Michelle has been hanging out with the Deadman…

Anyway, this is how it all went: McLayla are being annoying, Maria comes out and calls them immature! Celebrity Apprentice plugin! Mickie “HOT” James comes out and gives them a piece of her mind! Go Mickie! Cat fight and out comes the Glamazon! And she attacks Maria? Boo! And they throw a pig pie in Mickie’s face! Losers!

Cryme Tyme in tag team action tonight! Against Team Facial Hair aka Mike Knox and Charlie Haas! This might be interesting!

Cryme Tyme vs. Mike Knox & Charlie Haas

JTG is in control, dominating Knox and Haas, but…

*cue fiery flames of flaming hell pyros* Kane is out!KANE IS OUT!

And he throws JTG over the top rope! Haas quickly follows , and Knox and Shad share the same faith! Go big red monster!

Winner: hmm, this might end as a no contest but I’m giving it to Cryme Tyme since JTG is the first one attacked by Kane

A clip from last week’s Smackdown is aired to show us how Rey Mysterio kicked the door in Batista’s face! *semi-happy face*

Royal Rumble matches graphic!

Roflmaocopter! Look at Matt Hardy and The Great Khali dancing! That’s some funny stuff!

Matt Hardy & The Great Khali vs. The Hart Dynasty(/w Natalya)

The baby bull and Tyson Kidd are in control, but a powerslam is countered with a tof, which is countered with a push , but Matt’s side effect connects! Natalya is trying to seduce The Great Khali! Back in ring, hardy dodges the Hart Attack and gets the win with a roll up!

Winners : Matt Hardy & The Great Khali

Main Event Segment!

Rey Mysterio calls out the Undertaker!

The masked marvel needs 1 minute and 20 seconds to get himself in the ring… wow! That’s almost as fast as a drunken snail!

Rey calls himself stupid and crazy! And he wants to become world champion once again, and he wants to call out the Undertaker and tell him that he’s not afraid!

*cue the gong and the lights go out*

Taker’s entrance took almost 2 minutes… bwahaha! Take that Rey!

Rey’s willing to do whatever it takes to win the title! And the last time they met, The Phenom was on the ropes for the 619… And he’s not afraid cause dreams conquer fears? WHAT? Soap opera speech? I mean I know that Mexico has lots of soap operas but let’s be honest, we don’t want no cry baby speech in our wrestling ring!

Rey: Deadman, at the Royal Rumble, I will defeat you!

Phenom: No you won’t!

Taker:You conquered just about everything in your life, but no one triumphs over the grave! And right now, you’re digging your own grave!At the Royal Rumble you will REST IN PEACE! *staredown*

The Undertaker walks away as Rey is trying to convince him that he’s not like the rest!

Batista comes from behind and nails a spinebuster and a Batista bomb on Rey as The Deadman comes back down the ramp! Big Dave then runs away like a scared little girl and the show ends with The Demon of Death Valley posing at the top of the ramp with his hand held high up in the air!

The show was ok… we had some nice spots in the first tag match and a nice speech from The Undertaker, but that’s about it!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article,I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!