The show starts off with our original savior, the World Heavyweight Champion, Mr Wikipedia himself, Chris Jericho!

Jericho:I am still the World Heavyweight Champion.

Phenom: I haven’t noticed! (sarcastic DUUH)

Jericho: And that evil Edge speared me, and you mean people started chanting Spear…Spear…SPEAR! And you did that because you are losers!

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME?

Why on earth are the graphics presenting Edge as the Royal Rumble winner? I mean, I know he won it, but he also used that shot at Mania and lost… meh.. whatever. The Rated R Superstar has a microphone; I say we listen to him.

Edge is out for a remach and he wants it right now…but Chris doesn’t agree and gets hit with an Edgecution and a Spear!

Swagger is out and hits Edge in the back of the head with his briedcase knocking him out cold.

Jack: Get a rev down here right now, I’m cashing in my money in the bank la…*thud*

On the blood of the vampire ancestors we’re going to have a new champion...and it will be a really dumb one!

We need 50 thousand days but the match finally gets started.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Jericho ©

Gutwrench powerbomb and a 3 count in under 10 seconds to crown the NEEEW World Heavyweight Champion!

Winner: Jack Swagger

I wonder if the real Jack Swagger was abducted by aliens and a much smarter clone of him was sent back to earth… He’s not acting like a hairless gorilla anymore… And no pushups! Something’s Wrong!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there’s a rumor going on backstage according to which my garlic bread sandwiches aren’t good for you! Apparently people have started acting chaotic and their fangs are unusually big. Well I am here to announce that those rumors are totally false! As you can see I am perfectly fine and I have been eating them for quite some time. So ignore the jealous competition and enjoy your garlic bread sandwiches. *puts on an evil smile revealing his fangs*

WHAT IS UP?

We are back after commercials to see Truth riding until the wheels fall off. Hopefully Morrison will join us soon. And he’s out with his trademark indoor wind and slow motion pyros. And they’ll face Cryme Tyme. This is awesome, 2 awesome tag teams in the same ring.

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Cryme Tyme

R-Man and JoMo hit their finishers on Shad and they win… BLIMEY! That was it?

Winners:John Morrison & R-Truth.

Shad decides that JTG isn’t that cool and uses him as a punching bag to release his inner bully. Whoo hooo..hit the liver! Now the face and then turn him around to hit the kidneys..COME ON! Shad’s a wuss…

In the crowd there was a guy with a sign saying “Thank God Cena’s On”. Well it is my pleasure to announce you that he didn’t make it home!

The behavior of a Hairless Gorilla in society

So, Swag is backstage with Tony Atlas, Mickie James and Slam Master J… And he makes sure they see the belt on his shoulder and congratulate him.

Observation 1: The hairless gorilla feels the need for praises.

And then he bumps in Shelton Benjamin who’s playing on his gameboy… And Jack claims that he should be called the Gold Standard…

Observation 2: The Hairless Gorilla is mean to the ones ranked lower than him…

Observation 3: I smell a push for Shelton…

Again they show us what happened earlier…WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! You took a 2 minute segment and aired it 3 times already. Josh is interviewing Shad who acts like a mix between Cena and Batista… Bottom line is, it’s HIS time… I wonder if he spells it with a ”y” or a “I”… MEH!

Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre.

Hardy gets a boot to the face before entering the ring, he’s shoved into the ringpost and gets hit with a butterfly DDT in the middle of the ring…THE END!

The match hadn’t officially started so this is a NO CONTEST!

For the record, I so want to smack the WWE crew. I honestly don’t want to watch a video package of Shawn Michaels’ retirement speech on Smackdown! He had his moment on Raw, now let the Smackdown stars do their jobs, earn their money…RIP Shawn Michaels.

“WHAT ON EARTH” moment of the week

Piggie Guerrero and LayCool backstage… oh my, where’s the fast forward button?

Jack appears and wants to address the WWE Universe tonight. And he kisses Guerrero on the cheek for fulfilling his wish…MY EYES! ARE BURNING!

The Great Khali vs. Dolph Zigler

The Punjabi Nightmare is killing Dolph, until the blonde wonder locks in the sleeper hold! I get bored to death as Khali wriggles around trying to get free.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

And after the match Khali gets a microphone and says something (I just hope he cursed Dolph). Turns out he said he wants to go home to his family to do some soul searching (is that like an Easter Egg Hunt?) and when he’ll come back he’ll become world champion!

One member short?

Killswitch Engage is awesome… but Luke Gallows should only grab a microphone if he wants to hit someone with it! Let’s let the savior talk! And Serena is absolutely UGLY! Get yourself some hair… I’m sure Punk’s beard would suit you!

Punk think that Vegas is THE town to be saved… he mentions some of the bad things you can do in Vegas… and get away with it! At Mania Punk was supposed to save Rey, but he failed (unfortunately). I so wanted to see Mysterio get beat up … and lots of other things I can’t talk about because this is a PG report. Anyway, Punk challenges Rey to a match… and he’s willing to put his hair on the line…

Divas Tag Team match

LayCool (/w Piggie Guerrero) vs.Tiffany & Beth Phoenix

Divas match… hair and screaming and…a fast forward button!

Winner:Tiffany & Beth Pheonix

What up playa?

Teddy’s backstage enjoying the divas match and here comes Jericho crying and whining about how he was robbed of his title and he wants Teddy to reverse the decision.

SCSA would say: WHAT?

Teddy says: are you out of your mind? But he’s willing to give Jericho his rematch tonight…

But tonight’s not going to work for Jericho so he has to leave threatening to take the title back!

Hart Time

The Hart Dynasty is here to talk about the Mania week and they will carry on the tradition of the Hart family… But monkey boy decides that he want to show off his world title so… he ruins the promo!

Fiery flames of flaming hell burst and KANE has something to say…

Kane’s bored and frustrated… and he’s going to takeout his frustrations on the NXT rookies…

8 on 1 elimination handicap match

Daniel Bryan starts off nice but gets squashed so he tags Darren Young in. Young can’t do a thing so he tags in Gabriel who tags Barrett in. Looking good for Wade… oh wait, he gets slaughtered with a big boot!

Wade Barrett is eliminated!

Skip Sheffield gets powerslamed but isn’t eliminated cause Heath Slator tags himself in right into a Chokeslam and gets eliminated.

Heath Slator is eliminated!

Michael Tarver gets in and is sent flying over the top rope and the other 5 rookies agree to surround the ring and attack Kane!

Winner: Kane (via DQ)

They keep on attacking  The Big Red Monster with a missile dropkick, a splash and a 450 splash! And while they are posing, Kane gets up and starts chasing them backstage… hope he finds them all!

MAIN EVENT

Erm, forget about it, we won’t have a main event tonight because the Hairless Ape wants to say something… ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY GREAT!

I hope the entire Smackdown roster attacks him and injures him! Maybe Kane is still frustrated…

He has this lame speech… and when he calls himself the second Shawn Michaels he gets booed to the point you can’t understand what he’s saying!

BREAK DOWN THE WALLS!

Question: why break down the walls when you can very easily use the gate or jump over? I guess Jericho’s superior DNA isn’t that superior afterall…

Anyway, Chris is here and he’s acting like a kid, asking Jack to give back his shiny toy.

Oddly enough, Swagger disagrees…THAT’S A SHOCKER!

And Edge is out to say something aswell… I predict Taker as the next one to come out!

Swagger is a smart boy and he gets out of the ring. Edge asks Jack for a match, but Jericho disagrees.

Teddy Long is out to make a match for next week…for the #1 contendership between Edge and Chris Jericho!

Codebreaker on Edge, Gutwrench powerbomb on Chris and then another one on Edge!

The show was kinda annoying…Short matches, lots of useless replays, no main event…Meh, what can a vampire do?

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!