So let’s dive head first into the action and hope we don’t hit a steel post or something. Mortal readers, let’s get this blood fest started!

Caution!

This article may contain spoilers and/or personal opinions that you consider dumb, idiotic or damn right stupid. I will not be held responsible for any hemorrhages that might occur while you are reading this.

Playa loookin’ good with that belt on his shoulder! We should have Teddy Long as the Intercontinental champion. After all he’s the one that FIRED Drew McIntyre.

Anyways, the Intercontinental Championship Tournament Final is here! Tonight we will crown the new champion.

Christian vs. Kofi Kingston for the vacant IC Title

They start off with grounded moves countering eachother, “trying to get the upper hand”.Kofi has… I mean had a side headlock on but Christian got out. They keep on dodging and reversing eachother’s moves. Christian nails a very botchy second rope-to-the-outside diving elbow right before COMMERCIALS!

We’re back from commercials, back in ring and Christian is still in control of the match. The flapjack looked nice…wait a minute! What’s up with all that Prince of Persia promoting going on during the replays?

Christian’s bleeding inside his mouth? Kofi nails Christian in the head with his through-the-ropes overhead double kick thing then flies off the top rope with a diving crossbody for a 2 count. Boom Drop countered into a pin reversed into another pin. They’re back up and start jumping over each other when Christian hits an electric chair? Crossbody counters and the Boom Drop connects. TiP reversed into an inverted DDT. Killswitch reversed into Kofi’s front flippy Russian leg sweep for a 2. Christian with his own pendulum kick followed by a diving corkscrew elbow to the jaw. Sunset flip bomb off the second rope fails and Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise.

Winner and Neeew Intercontinental champion:Kofi Kingston.

Kingston’s all flippy happy with his title but Drew’s music hits and out comes the Scotsman in a nice white suit. He “gives” Teddy a piece of white paper and…OLD Intercontinental champion Drew McIntyre??

What in the name of the vampire elders was on that paper?

Oh well looks like Drew’s honeymoon ended early or something.

SPOILER ALERT!

Apparently, WWE creative will give MVP and Kofi a push, and one of them is supposed to turn heel. Now, since MVP is kind of getting involved in Rey’s war with the SES and it would make no sense for him to switch heel my guess is Kofi will be the one switching over to the dark side.

Kofi appeared in WWE in January 2008 as a face and has been a face ever since. So it’s about time he goes berserk after losing the title.

The Paper!

There’s someone with a brain out there. Thank you Striker for picking up that piece of paper and reading it to us.

Long’s actions were irresponsible, he’s abusing power and he lacks judgment. Drew McIntyre is a gentleman so the chairman of the board will overrule Teddy’s decision and reinstate Drew as the Intercontinental champion.

Die in a fiery blaze fueled by kerosene, Vince!

Backstage 4 workers are unloading Swagger’s trophies (I assume) and I’m waiting for the little green midget to jump out and trash them all but I never get what I want so…

Shad Gaspard vs. Jesse Guyver

So, standard squash match which is supposed to make Shad look impressive. But he honestly looked like he could get beat up in a FAIR match by that guy.

Winner: Shad Gaspard

So, a recap from months ago when Punk invaded Rey’s daughter’s birthday party (which was awesome).

JTG and MVP vs. The Dude Busters (still lmao at their tag name)

JTG starts off against Trent and 30 seconds later the Dude Busters are sent flying over the top rope. Back in ring Croft trips JTG enabling Baretta to nail JTG in the jaw with a running knee. Stomps and stomps and some more stomps do absolutely nothing.

Striker says we have SO MANY great tag teams in WWE right now and names 3…way to go Matt!

MVP gets tagged in and knees Baretta and then hits him with the Ballin’ elbow drop. 305 connects!

Winners: MVP and JTG

Backstage Punk’s upset cause last week he saw doubt in SES’s eyes. So he will wash away those doubts by himself tonight, and then at Over The Limit he will beat up Rey and force him to join the Straightedge Society.

In ring we have a scrabble board, golf clubs and trophies. Swagger comes in with a huge smile on his face.

He quietly thanks us for not stabbing him in the toe with a blunt ball-point pen.

Then he takes off his jacket and does pushups? What’s up with that?

He called his daddy and asked him to round up all his trophies to share them with us. I want to share a trophy with him…across his forehead!

ROFLMAO. Striker just got Jack off air cause of commercials… got to love them COMMERCIALS!

We’re back and Jack seems unaffected by the fact that they got him off air. He’s still yapping his mouth on how he’s great…What the hell is that? A photo of him at age 5?

And he’s talking to it? Jack has some serious issues!

Then he starts bragging about his boyscouts achievements? WOW!

He puts on a crown and poses! Then he brags about his 32 year old brain surgeon date!

I suppose she went out with him out of pity or something.

Next to his Red Cross certificate he has something that looks like a sandwich with his name on it. Oh wait, he has a sandwich named after him “The Swaggie”. And apparently he’s a national scrabble champion. Now that’s just creepy!

Oh look, it’s THE BIG SHOOOW!

Jack asks him to be gentle with his stuff. Show’s so impressed by his stuff he has to touch and break it. There goes Jack’s dance trophy! Jack attacks Show but he’s no match for him so he bails. Look at Show having fun with those cups and trophies. He kicks a football out of the ring (it probably got past the Voyager by now).

Show poses with the title as the segment ends.

Random Idea!

It would be awesome if next week, Swagger would come back with his trophies glued with tape and stuff and do the bragging routine all over again. And Show would just come out to destroy them once again. That would make me fall off my chair laughing!

Rosa Mendez vs. Beth Phoenix

Excuse me, Piggie Guerrero is out to make this a 2 on 1 handicap match between LayCool and Beth Phoenix for her title. So after Guerrero’s intervention we have:

Layla and Michelle McCool vs. Beth Phoenix

Hair and screaming. More than usual!

Winner and neew Women’s champion:Layla

Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero

Kane goes for a chokeslam but Chavo gets out of it only to get thrown over the top rope.

The Mexican is trying to do something off the second rope but lands into a chokeslam.

Winner: Kane

Playa’s revenge

So, Teddy’s backstage with Drew. And Teddy wants to give McIntyre a match next week. Against the Big Show. (I smell interference from Swagger)

Over The Limit graphic card recap.

Main Event!

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

They needed less than 3 minutes to make their entrance so that’s kind of ok. Anyway Punk has some pent up aggression and he takes it out on Rey, which is always a good thing. Way to go Punk getting yourself out of the ring! COMMERCIALS

Back in ring Punk’s stretching Rey and uses every advantage he has to beat up Rey. Abdominal stretch in the middle of the ring looking very uncomfortable for Rey. Punk breaks the submission hold to throw Rey out of the ring. Back in ring Punk flies off the top rope with a crossbody. Time for the babyface to get in control of the match with a Springboard DDT and a Springboard Seated Senton. Hurricanrana sends Rey  on the second rope. Baseball slide to Gallows, 619 and Springboard Splash to Punk and in comes the masked man…SERENA? Second masked man attacks Rey from behind.

Winner: Rey Mysterio (via DQ)

The masked man hits his finisher and then Luke nails Rey with the inverted full nelson spinebuster.And Rey Rey goes to sleep.

Punk takes Rey’s motionless body and “pledges allegiance to the SES” in his name as we go off air.

THE END

The show was OK, the segments were the ones I enjoyed. And Kane squashing someone is always a nice sight.

But they seriously have to up their game a couple of notches.

When I first read the Raw report I thought we got rid of Vickie and maybe, just maybe she will take her priceless nephew with her to Raw and give us Bourne to play with on Smackdown, but from what I understand she quit. Please Vickie go to Raw!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!