I’ve been reading spoilers and apparently tonight we will all be shocked. Hopefully not in the “Oh my eyes are burning as my retina is falling off my eyeball” way.

But before we start dissecting the Friday night wrestling show, I have an announcement to make: The first ever Phenom-written Raw report is out published on my blog. So go to thevampirescrypt.blogspot.com and read my wonderful “Not the Crypt:Raw Report”.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get this blood fest started!

Theodore Long is somewhere backstage and he has a very important announcement to make: The Undertaker has been found in a vegetative state by his brother, Kane!

The Dead Deadman

The druids are out carrying a casket as The Undertaker’s Latin song is heard over the sound system. Fiery flames of burning hell burst out of nowhere as Kane appears at the top of the ramp. He (slightly) limps his way in the ring and addresses the WWE Universe.

Kane: In all likelihood, the most feared, dreaded, respected force in the history of the WWE, The Undertaker. My brother will no longer walk amongst us. Gone are the endless nights when The Undertaker would strike fear into the hearts of those in his presence. Gone is the face of darkness, its brilliance extinguished by act of cowardness .Gone is the specter that was loved and admired by millions of creatures all around the world. Gone from the WWE is its most iconic figure. Gone forever are the bonds of brotherhood!

My brother will raise from the dead no more! Gone is the Undertaker but soon enough those responsible for this atrocity will too be gone. They will be committed to the depths of hell to a torturous existence. I will personally prosecute and persecute anyone that had anything to do with this tragedy. There will be vengeance! There will be vengeance never before seen, never before imagined! There will be vengeance, swift and decisive! YES THERE WILL BE VENGEANCE!

Then Kane goes berserk and demolishes everything in the ring and starts crying next to an empty open casket.

We’re back in Dallas,Texas just in time for the first match of the night.

Swagger comes out wearing a new t-shirt and starts running around the ring like a mad monkey. His opponent tonight will be Montel Vontavious Porter.

M.V.P vs. Jack Swagger © (Non-title match)

Jack immediately takes MVP down and tries to use his amateur wrestling skills to keep him down. MVP escapes and slaps some sense into Swagger, literally! Head lock by Mr. 305 proves useless. Another takedown and MVP is on top in a ground and pound position. Boot to the jaw of the world champion sends him flying outside of the ring. COMMERCIALS!

We’re back to see Jack in a chicken wing and chin lock. Swagger gets out and sends MVP flying into the ringpost shoulder-first 2 times. Shoulder locks make MVP writhe in pain. Big boot only gets the champion a 2. Powerslam gets him another 2 count. Vader Bomb connects for another near fall. Submission holds bore me to death. Jack gets pushed away and the big boot gives MVP the break he needed. Ballin’ elbow drop almost gets him the win. Fisherman pinning suplex for a 2 for MVP. Jawbreaker followed by a belly to belly suplex + a roll up gets Swagger the 1-2-3.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Post match MVP is attacked by Vance Archer with an inverted DDT and Kurt Hawkins flies off the top rope for a diving elbow drop.

If that doesn’t solidify MVP’s face turn, nothing will. And I smell a heel Kingston coming to our screens this summer.

Soap opera involving Vickie Guerrero(part 3)

Teddy Long is sad because he lost The Undertaker but have no fear, for Vickie Guerrero has the perfect man to replace The Phenom (not me, Taker): Dolph Ziggler! But Teddy cuts her off and decides that tonight we’ll have a SMACKDOWN BATTLE ROYAL!

NXT recap

Tuesday the 3 remaining rookies faced off in a triple threat. Barrett reversed a 650 splash into a small package and got the win.  And Justin Gabriel was eliminated. And the next WWE breakout star is: Wade BORING! I mean Boring!

LOL moment of the day!

Punk is backstage arranging his mask like any other person would do when KANE COMES and tells him he has a stench of guilt! If guilt comes from your pants then Kane must be right.

Anyway Punk is trying to explain Kane that he didn’t touch The Undertaker and how he and the SES would love to help a fallen brother. Kane pushes him away boiling with anger!

Intercontinental Title Match

Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Kingston©

Drew is out first and I must say that his Titantron video is actually awesome. The theme song is rubbish, but the graphics are awesome. Kofi’s out next doing his usual posing and BOOM signs with his hands.

Drew looks very determined and he soon is in control of the match. Kofi is sent flyiiiii… oh wait. He did that thing with his arms and he’s still in the ring.Dropkick to a very surprised McIntyre. Kicks to the knees followed by that modified codebreaker. Punches and kicks to a cornered opponent who’s back in the match with a boot to the face and a back suplex. Gutbuster to Kofi and..THE SUSPENDED Hardy is in the arena! As a spectator with a ticket. He takes a seat in the first row as we head into COMMERCIALS!

We’re back with a liver-shattering botched backbreaker for Kofi. Drew uses the ropes and the ring apron to damage his opponent’s neck. A couple of knees to the head give Kofi a short break. Drew’s back in control with a push into the steel steps and a snap suplex on the floor. Back in ring Drew is keeping Kofi down with a modified Bow and Arrow lock. Kingston gets up and does a really interesting front-flipping back-kicking move that gives him a couple of seconds to recover.  Drew’s unable to lock in the abdominal stretch so he starts beating the living hell out of the champion.

Head Scissors and a clothesline followed by kicks and dropkicks from Kingston. Crucifix pin fails, but the pendulum kick and the diving crossbody connect for a 2. Nasty-looking move from Drew but Kofi’s back up. Jumpy Clothesline leads to the BOOM Drop. Trouble in Paradise and the splash to outside both fail. Drew elbows Matt then throws Kingston in the ring. Drew wastes time staring at Hardy as he’s being held by the security guys and Kofi is up with an SOS for the win!

Winner and still IC champion: Kofi Kingston

Matt appears to be leaving the arena on his own but ZOMG! He rushes past the security guys and Twist of Fates Drew!

Also, since when is the SOS a finisher? Until now it was only a signature leading to TiP, but now Kofi’s winning with it? I need some help in here!

The Monster and the Midget!

Rey is backstage and offers his help to Kane. Of course Kane yells at him and tells him that he’s a suspect too!

Can I please see Kane squashing an innocent Rey?

The apes can talk!

Jack is backstage and he’s bragging about how he and his University of Oklahoma’s team beat up University of Texas’ team. Then he starts singing a BOOMER SOONER? Until Kane comes from behind and asks “Was it you?”

Well it wasn’t him!

Rosa Mendes vs. Kelly Kelly

Plastic Barbies fighting? Hair and screaming!

Winner: Kelly Kelly

Another suspect on our list

Big Show is backstage dealing cards to Hornswoggle with one hand. But Kane comes in and scares the midget away! But Show scares The Big Red Monster away.FAIL!

Main Event!

Smackdown Battle Royal to determine the 4^th man to compete for the World Heavyweight Championship at Fatal 4 Way

Finaly is in the match? Didn’t he retire or something like that?*checks Wikipedia*

“According to officials, he is a Trainer and Agent for the company and is semi-retired from the ring.”

Havoc in ring! Rey gets out and attacks Punk! What the hell was that all about?

Kane’s beaing stomped in a corner by 8 guys? Gallows saves him. Croft and Masters are gone. Barretta and JTG quickly follow.Kane and Gallows are going at it. Kingston and McIntyre are both eliminated! Christian eliminates Ziggler and Finlay sends the Peep over the top rope to continue his brawl with Dolph. Hurricanrana by Mysterio eliminates Chavo. MVP’s going after the 2 guys that attacked him earlier today. Archer is eliminated by MVP and FInlay.Finaly eliminates MVP and Kane sends Finlay flying over the top rope. Hawkins is eliminated by Mysterio. Kane is attaked by the SES mystery man but he pushes him away and Gallows quickly follows! Mysterio has Kane on the second rope but Kane takes his head off with a clothesline! GO KANE!

Gutbuster to Mysterio who comes back in with a seated senton. Big boot to a running Rey. Mysterio counters a sidewalk slam into an inverted DDT. 619 connects. CHOKESLAAA… head scissors eliminate kane?

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Thanks for nothing WWE Creative! You could have made this next PPV watchable but you blew it! Bigtime!

If I see this leading to a mask vs. mask match I’ll go berserk!

Anyway, the show was great! Except for the finish which sucked!

Hopefully they will have Kane injure Mysterio! That would be awesome! Or make it a Fatal 5 Way!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!