This Undertaker storyline actually smells like rotten moldy cheese but anytime Kane isn’t used as a jobber I’m one happy vampire.

So, I think it’s time to get this started! Or as Divide the Day would say: LET IT ROLL!

We start off with a cool video package which explains us (AGAIN) what happened with the Undertaker, and how his Fatal 4 Way stand-in was decided.

We all know how it ended but if your memory is really bad, you can read everything about it over here:  /wrestling/articles/vampires_crypt_smackdown_report_for_06042010.asp

(Shameless self promotion)

Tonight’s show is “live” from Tampa Bay, Florida! Apparently the Fatal 4 Way competitors will be in action against each other. The Big Show faces CM Punk and Mysterio will try to pin the World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger!

And that contest is up next!

Mashup!

Last week, Rey won the Smackdown Battle Royal winning himself a spot in the World Heavyweight Championship match. And he will win the title for all the WWE Universe. Cue Spanish jibberish!

SWAGGA is out to remind Rey that he capitalized on the misfortune of the Deadman. When Rey was in Tijuana drinking beer, Jack was in Oklahoma training to become the World Heavyweight Champion!

Rey calls Swagger an idiot then he compares him with Tweety the yellow birdy!

THIS FIRE BURNS ALWAYS!

Punk is out with his disciples and he starts complaining about how he was assaulted bu 36 armed assailants! But he’s out here because he’s an extraordinary man! He is the only Straightedge 3 time World Champion! And at Fatal 4 Way he will become a 4 time Straightedge World Heavyweight Champion! And then the WWE Universe will finally have the champion they deserve: CM Punk!

Rey says something that makes no sense about Punk’s ears and mouth! Then he challenges him to take off his mask!

Punk comes back with a “you’re bald and The Big Show’s bald! I am masked” line.

It’s the Big Show! And he offers to pull off Punk’s mask later on tonight!

Kane appears on the Titantron and he runs his mouth about how he’ll beat up his brother’s attacker! How he’ll put him in a casket and… well basically THERE WILL BE VENGEANCE!

Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger © (Non-Title match)           

Swagger is using his amateur wrestling background to keep Rey down while Striker makes him look like an idiot cause he forgot to write his name on his testpaper!

The Evil champion is stomping…WAS stomping Rey while the crowd is chanting 619.

Springboard Rey-Bulldog, hurricanrana and a 619 almost get Rey the win. Unfortunately for him, Jack was close to the ropes. COMMERCIALS!

We’re back and Rey’s being mauled by Jack outside the ring.

Back in ring Swagger is stepping on Rey’s chest! Body scissors and a clothesline get Swagga another 2 count.

We’re on the top rope and Jack fails to superplex Rey, but he superbelly to belly suplexes him all the way across the ring! COMMERCIALS!

We’re back and out of the ring Striker is telling the world how good his buddy is. Again body scissors are pretty ineffective! Rey gets out of them with elbows and legs. Rey goes for a moonsault but he’s tripped and Jack fails to spear him. Top rope seated senton!Jack comes back with a violent big boot!Failed gutwrench powerbomb! Mysterio botches the hurrincanrana but Swagger sells it anyway! 619 to the stomach and another one to the face get the midget a 3 count!

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Post match Swagger assaults Rey but for some reason he IGNORES the big red monster who comes in and chokeslams him and Rey-Rey! VENGEANCE IS AWESOME!

Fatal 4 Way promoting video!

No one cares about it!

WWE’s Did you know segment!

It’s a waste of time!

Layla (/w McCool and Kaval) vs. Tiffany(/w Kelly Kelly)

Pre-match team LayCool says something we don’t care about!

Winner: Layla

Todd makes a remark that makes me think of Orlando Jordan:”Is Kaval beautiful?”

Someone should have that guy’s brain checked!

Also, the Fatal 4 Way themesong sucks! And it’s available on iTunes. Go and don’t get it!

So, we’re shown again what happened on Raw this week. For those of you that live… under a rock or something like that, the season 1 NXT rookies attacked Cena and the announcers and the timekeepers and… well just about anyone they could get their hands on! And the first victim of this ANGLE is Brain Danielson! (I’ll rant about his release once the show’s resume is over)

Undertaker’s Deadliest matches!

This DVD pack is available at the official WWE Store! For the match listing visit the following link:

/new/board.asp?id_news=7858

Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler(/w Vickie Guerrero)

Striker is officially funny as hell! So he calls Dolph Zack,and blames that on the cougar’s presence! Then he makes some weird “cougar-like” sounds and says he wants to be clawed by Vickie! Striker FTW!

Catapult from Christian sends Ziggler over the top rope. Christian then jumps with his weird corner dive on top of Ziggler. He goes back on the top rope but he’s pushed and falls like the idiot botcher that he is! COMMERCIALS!

Ziggler is back and he seems to be focusing on Christian’s head and neck.

WHO THE HELL IS STUPID ENOUGH TO DO A DOUBLE AXE HANDLE ON A GROUNDED OPPONENT?

Apparently Dolph is! He gets beat up by Captain Charisma. Pendulum kick followed to a second rope uppercut followed by a springboard sunset flip get Christian the win.

Winner: Christian

Out of nowhere , Archer and Hawkins appear in the ring and they do their Inverted DDT,flying elbow drop combo on the winner.  And then Dolph applies the sleeper hold.

Someone needs therapy!

Kane says something about empty and tortured souls! About how his brother’s assailants are damned! Damned and DAMNED!

Kane needs to say: ”I see dead people”!

Video package promoting Fatal 4 Way!

The Chosen One has a complaint!

Drew calls out Teddy and forces him to watch a video. Matt Twist of Fated the Scotsman. And on Raw, Drew had to face his Mystery opponent! Who was Matt Hardy!

As of RIGHT NOW by order of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Matt Hardy is suspended from all WWE programming.

And Teddy… SOS!

Kingston’s out and he’s sick and tired of listening to McIntyre’s complaining! And the ENTIRE WWE Universe is sick of it! We’re all sick of Drew! (I’m NOT!)

Kofi compares himself with Drew and says that he’s the man!Because he always does something when he wants something! Microphone shot leads to Trouble In Paradise!

Raw-promoting video package!

Drew’s backstage with Teddy Long and he drops the bombshell!

Next week it’s going to be Drew McIntyre vs. Teddy Long!

Main Event

The Big Show vs. CM Punk

Show starts off by no-selling Punk’s strikes. Punk climbs on the top rope but he changes his mind when he sees the size of Big Show’s fist. Show grabs him and starts chopping the life out of the Straightedge Savior!

The mask almost comes off but the SES interferes and they lay down the smackdown on Show!

Winner: The Big Show (via DQ)

Kane’s out and he chokeslams the masked man! Then he chokeslams Gallows and The Big Show quickly follows!

The End

The Bloodless Victim Rant

The WWE has a very bad idea about how television works! The TV vas invented to keep people informed and entertained! The Inventors never wanted it to be and educational tool! The TV isn’t supposed to be educative! And if you see something on TV you don’t immediately go outside and do it yourself because you have parents and friends that will tell you that you’ll die if you do that, because you have a mind that tells you that doing a Swanton Bomb on a bed of nails will make you bleed and eventually die!

The WWE forgot what those initials mean! They mean WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT! They DON’T mean World Wide Education!

So the WWE needs to stop firing their best wrestlers just because a hysterical mom in … let’s say VANUATU, thinks her kids will do that at home! For crying out loud, if your kid is retarded don’t let him watch violent shows!

You, yes you, the mom from Vanuatu destroyed Danielson’s childhood dream just because you aren’t able to educate your son!

In other words, the WWE needs to let people know that nasty things happen during wrestling shows and that kids with mental problems shouldn’t watch the WWE programming!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!