Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown report for 08/06/2010

The following program has been rated P for personal opinion. The Vampire’s Crypt is a weekly Smackdown report and it’s brought to you by Phenom The Vampire Lord, with help from his good friends over at the Vampire Sandwich Hut!

 

Tonight’s show starts off bad! REALLY BAD! Midgesterio’s song is blasting through the darn speakers so I put on some Powerwolf. In your face booyaka-man! I hope a wolfpack finds you and rips you to shreds!

Rey: Last week when Kane chokeslamed him into the Gulf of Mexico, he went down 15 feet!

LIES! If you stop the camera at the right time you can see the midget’s mask above water! And since I know he’s not 15 feet tall, I call this a farce!

His lungs filled with fluid and he couldn’t breathe! 

Rey: In my career I’ve been backstabbed but I’ve never been accused of something I didn’t do.

So you deserved your backstab. I just wish you were heartstabbed too!

Rey: I know who attacked the Undertaker!

 

DREW COMES OUT!

Where the Scotsman has a name for people like Rey. CRIMINAL! HELL YEAH!

Haw keud yew Rey? Haw keud a hero stand by while CM Punk and Jack Swagger’s dad were assaulted?

Yew Rey needed help to take out the Undertaker! If I weuld have been The Undertaker’s attacker I kewd have done it alone!

Yew saw what I did to Christian last week! And I will do that to yew! Tonight!

Rey says something in Spanish (BOO!) and it’s on!

 

Later tonight we have Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler for the IC Championship! The Graphics said so!

 

Matt Hardy vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes

Someone pissed Cody off before the match started … but Hardy’s fat helps him no sell his shots and he starts whooping Rhodes’ rear end all over the ring! COMMERCIALS

 

We’re back and Matt does the Hardy legdrop to the groin. That’s nice! HOLY FLYING CHUCK! Crossface! CROSSFACE! Hardy gets out and manages to sunset flip Cody for a 2 count! Knee to Matt’s face! Faceplant! CROSSFACE locked in again!

And once again Matt gets out! Back and forth… nothing impressive.

Cross Rhodes!

Winner: Dashing Cody Rhodes

 

The Summerslam themesong is crap!

 

Alberto del Rio!

 

LayCool and The Beast(Teddy)!

Teddeh is backstage with the girls and he says he wants one of the titles back! NOW!

They fight and argue and EVENTUALLY McCool relinquishes her replica. Then they start arguing about who should wear the true belt. And they break it! LIKE MAGIC!

 

EXCUSE ME!

Vickie announces us Dolph Ziggler is her boyfriend! CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED

 

WWE Intercontinental Championship match

Kofi Kingston © vs. Dolph Ziggler

Kofi seems upset for some reason. So he kicks Dolph’s ass out of the ring! Elbow to the nose gives Dolph control of the match and he throws Kofi out of the ring! He gets back in and now they’re both out! Then they’re both back in where Dolph gains the upper hand! Oh nevermind, they’re out of the ring and we head into COMMERCIALS right after a suicide dive from the champion!

 

We’re back and Dolph is working an arm which Kofi used to spear the ringpost (that was dumb of him). Pin attempts get Ziggler 2 counts. Multiple elbow drops to the injured arm of Kingston. Adding some pressure to the injured arm with a submission hold fails because Kofi gets up and starts mounting some serious offense. Oh wait! Arm-snap sends him back to the mat. TIP! Trouble in Paradise!

Vickie gets in the ring and distracts the referee! Kofi doesn’t know what’s happening! ZIG ZAG! The bloody Zig Zag connects for a 3 count!

Winner: Dolph Ziggler (NEEEW Intercontinental Champion)

Kofi ain’t too happy about how things went… HEEL TURN! Bodyslam on the announcers’ table! Eat steel steps Champ! VICIOUS throw into the steel steps! Bash his skull in!

 

The fire still burns! But it’s looking like a puny flame nowadays!

Apparently at Summerslam we will see a 3 on 1 handicap match. The men of SES vs. The Big Show. Punk tells us how awesome his accomplishments … ending with last week’s attack on the Big Show! Mercury gets a microphone and … he has a weird accent… Until Punk gets the microphone and makes them stand on their knees in front of him. FROM NOW ON YOU WILL BE BETTER!

 

The men of SES vs. JTG, MVP, Chris Masters

JTG gets owned by Gallows so he tags MVP in who nails the big man with a couple of wicked knee shots. Mercury gets in and… STRIKER says the name of a DGUSA PPV! (Mercury Rising). Gallows is back in and beats up MVP for a bit. Mercury hits a neckbreaker and tags Luke in again. Luke starts beating up the entire opposing team and MVP is up… KNEEFACE for Gallows… ballin…nevermind. He gets kicked in the head. Big Boot gets SES the win!

Winners: The men of SES

 

Grooming tips

Comb your eyebrows!

 

WWE Summerslam card

Kane vs. Midgesterio for the World Heavyweight Championship and other people will be there…

 

Creepy

Kane is backstage with a casket and some candles. He says he’ll feed Mysterio to the darkness which will consume him for EVAR! And you can believe that brother!

 

Main Event

Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre

They’re having a staredown… and Drew wins. SHOCKING! Now Mr. Sinister is doing his heel job by stomping Rey. Oh look 619 position. Drew rolls out! Plancha from the really injured Rey. Missed seated senton. Let’s stomp on the little man! I find this game very enjoyable. Hurricanrana! And Drew falls out of the ring! Hurricanrana from the apron! COMMERCIALS!

 

Eat Garlic, eat Sandwiches.. eat garlic bread sandwiches. 

 

Drew powerbombs Rey back first into the turnbuckle. And then bends him around the steel ringpost. Faceplant on the announcers’ table. 8 count… Darn! Grounded abdominal stretch on Rey-Rey. But he gets out of it like he always does… oh wait, he can haz the faceplant! But only a 2 count for Drew. Fireman’s carry into a gutbuster. That was nasty! Rey starts fighting back and he nails Drew with the DDT! This is just becoming annoying! Seated senton->springboard crossbody for a 2 count! Back and forth action. Future shock reversed into a 619 which misses its target! Electric chair reversed into a sunset flip.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

The Little Man has news! And Kane has a casket!

Casket Epikness is ranked higher than news Epikness so 1-0 for Kane. Rey runs up the ramp. Kane 2; Rey 0.

Rey: It was Kane! Kane took out the Undertaker!

We all lose because this storyline has been done before.

 

The End

 

It’s Rant Time-Sponsored by the Vampire Sandwich Hut

Finally the WWE tells us what we were all waiting to hear: Kane attacked the Undertaker. But how does Rey know about it? Was he there? If so why didn’t he attack Kane and helpout the big bad Undertaker?

If that’s the case, Rey should become a heel for not saving someone in trouble.

This is how I would do it:

Rey Says it’s Kane; Kane says it’s Rey. At Summerslam The Undertaker appears and says it was neither. He doesn’t know who his attacker is but he will find out and all hell shall break loose upon that man!

FINALLY John Morrison steps up to the plate and says he did it! He even recorded it to make sure that the entire world can see it. He says that he was misused in Raw, that he deserves to be the World Heavyweight Champion! We have qualifying matches for the next PPV (because the title as vacated due to Undertaker’s interference) and Taker defeats Kane and JoMo defeats Rey. At the pay-per-view they square off and somehow Morrison gets the title!

Then they do the usual… Taker is upset, he gets a rematch, sends John to hell (back in Raw). Hourray for storyline!

 

HARDCORE JUSTICE PPV PREDICTIONS

Oh wait, no one knows what the matches will be!

RVD Retains against Jerry Lynn

“It is being reported that The main event between Jerry Lynn and RVD has been canceled.”

RVD Retains against UNKNOWN

Team 3D Retains against UNKNOWN

Sabu botches a move or 10

Rhino Gores someone

Raven Hits the DDT on Dreamer!

 

The audience is going to lose! BIGTIME!

 

Here’s the problem, TNA. You can’t just announce the names of some people who maybe could put on a good show ten years ago and hope that everything will go fine. Because most of those people’s fans are either dead or too old to remember how to buy the PPV! And for us the younger ones, we always have CZW Southern Violence. Or Dragon Gate’s “Mercury Rising” event. So you guys can either go back to your usual programming or you can crash and burn! Either way I won’t be watching!

 

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it! 

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

1. Comment #1

   I was under the influence of various alcoholic beverages when i finished this article...
   
   "Team 3D Retains against UNKNOWN" means that i wouldn't be surprised to see them bring back the ECW titles aswell..

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord/Henry Fitzroy on Sunday, August 08, 2010

Leave a comment

Your name:

Comment:

Your e-mail:
*you have to confirm the comment via mail

Please Keep your comments appropriate, and PG rated at all times. Any comment that violates the game rules will be deemed spam, and won't be published.