Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown report for 08/13/2010

The Vampire Sandwich Hut has agreed to sign a new contract with Phenom The Vampire Lord. That means they will pay the production costs of the Vampire’s Crypt. Buy their stuff. Tell them I sent you.

 

We welcome you to Friday Night Smackdown! From San Jose, California!

 

EXCUSE ME!

Oh gosh, here we go again. We welcome the Intercontinental Champion, Dolph “hair sweat” Ziggler. When Ziggler celebrates, his eyes disappear.

He is more electrifying than the Rock, he has more Hart than Bret and he is sexier than Shawn!

They have a thankoff. That means Dolph has to thank Vickie for everything she has done for him.

SOS! It’s Kofi Kingston. HOLY FLYING FOREARM SMASH!

BOO! Why the heck are the referees here?

The Playa is here!And he announces that Dolph is going to face Rey tonight. Vickie wants to schedule a match for Kofi against Kane but Long cancels that.Stupid Kingston is stupid enough to accept the match. And it’s NOW!

 

FAILVID!

They show us a video about the Kane-Mysterio rivalry. Not Impressed. Actually Bored!

 

Kofi Kingston vs. Kane

Kofi looks like he’s on IV sugar and adrenaline. He’s flippy floppying all over the place attacking Kane. Dropkick to Kane who drops off the turnbuckle. Suicide dive connects. Stupid Kingston TiPs the steel ringpost. Kane is evil so he focuses the attack on the injured ankle. Mean body slam from the Big Red Monster. Pendulum kick from Kingston. On the top rope! Chokeslam from the turnbuckle! Tombstone Piledriver for the 3 count!

Winner: Kane

The ring announcer is a female tonight. Where is my Tony?

 

Kane gets a microphone and basically he threatens to rip Midgesterio’s head off and bash him with it until his brains turn to mush! Which wouldn’t be that bad.

This Sunday Vengeance will be delivered by the devil’s favorite demon!

Rey needs to start talking in ENGLISH! Damn Spanish dude has to learn some English!

 

ARE YOU READY FOR THE BOTCHIEST MAINSTREAM WRESTLERS?

Christian vs. Cody “Dashing” Rhodes

Cody is trying to injure Christian’s arm and he seems to be doing a good job. Kick to the midsection and punches by Cody. Flying crossbody off the top rope from Christian.

“VINTAGE CHRISTIAN” with that turnbuckle flying uppercut-rope assisted bow and arrow combo! Alabama Slam from Cody!

Speaking of Alabama Slams I hear Hardcore Holly is accused of using illegal substances or something like that…

Killswitch.. NOT THE FACE! He manages to block the Unprettier. Missed botched flying chuck. Reverse DDT. Eyerake. Cross Rhodes! For the 3 count!

Winner: Cody Rhodes

 

The Big Show vs. Derek Werley,Jody Reese and Fernando Vega

1 on 3 squash match to make Show look impressive going into SUMMERSLAM

HAHA! Punk is out with a “ I broke Big Show’s Hand” t-shirt.

In ring  some dude gets chokeslamed. Here goes dude nr 2. KO Punch! For guy nr 3.

Winner: The Big Show

Very nice touch with the Straightedge X on the injured hand glove.

Gallows wants to say something but Punk takes the microphone away from him. EPIK!

The 2^nd CitySaint brags his team’s in ring abilities.

 

Kelly Kelly wishes Matt good luck. Darn that woman is awesome!

I can fail just as bad as Hardy. Why won’t the WWE hire me? I could even bring an original, fresh personality.

Phenom>Hardy

Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre

Drew is one “Sinister Scotsman” so he starts beating up the poor “little” fan favorite. But Hardy knows hardcore so he throws Drew over the barricades onto some chairs. Side effect on the concrete! McIntyre charges right into Matt’s elbow. Neckbreaker and Matt goes up on the turnbuckle. Powerbomb from Drew but Matt kicks out. Armbar with facegrind to draw some heat! Hardy gets up and arm drags Drew. Suicide tackle sends both men out of the ring. Spine first into the steel steps followed by ground and pound.

Leg sandwiched between the steps! Hardy is writhing in pain. He climbs back in for a butterfly DDT.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

Hardy is selling a leg injury as graphics once again show us tonight’s main event!

 

The Smack of the night is… the NO DQ match between Swagger and Rey! Eat water suckers!

 

Swaggorilla

Jack is out to badmouth the audience. And to complain about his crappy couple of months. That brings tears to my eyes. Black tears.

Summazlam ‘as lozt it’z zwagger! WITH LISP OBVIOUSLY!

MVP is coming and he politely informs Swagger that NO ONE cares about his problems.

Microphone shot to the face of MVP. Back first into the guard rail!

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

Jack is capitalizing on the damage he did before the break. Clothesline for a 2 count. Armlock. Facebuster and the ankle lock. Ropebreak. Powerslam from the blonde marvel. Vader Bomb onto the upraised knees. Fisherman Suplex from the returning MVP. Punches and forearms to setup for Ballin’. Nevermind. Ankle lock reversed into a pin!

3count!

Winner: MVP

 

Grooming Tips

Ear wax is bad! Remove it with cotton swabs!

 

Alberto Del Rio

He debuts next week on Friday Night Smackdown!

 

Main Event

Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (/w Vickie Guerrero)

Flips and counters and Dolph is in the driver’s seat. He’s stomping Rey in a corner only to get rolled up. Hurricanrana from Rey followed by a dropkick for a 2 count. Face first into the turnbuckle goes Midgesterio. Neckbreaker and stomps followed by a chin lock. Rey powers out. Kick to the knee. 619 position.

FIERY FLAMES OF BURNING HELL!

Kane is out with a casket!

COMMERCIALS

 

We’re back and Rey is powering out of a chin lock. Chin first into the ring apron. Dolph does his elbow dropping routine and continues with a bridged chin lock. How does that make the move more painful I will never know. Punches and kicks to Dolph’s knee who goes shoulder first into the steel ringpost. Springboard seated senton and springboard crossbody for a 2 count.

HOLY BLOODY MODIFIED TOWER OF DOOM TO REY!

Sleeper hold almost locked in. Rey botches a springboard moonsault.

ROLL UP.

Winner Rey Mysterio

619 to Kane who was trying to get in ring. Kane falls in the casket!

 

The End

 

Summerslam Predictions

 

1. Tag Team Match (Elimination)

Team WWE (John Cena, Bret Hart, Chris Jericho, Edge, John Morrison, R-Truth & one more) vs. Team Nexus (Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, David Otunga, Darren Young, Justin Gabriel, Skip Sheffield & Michael Tarver) 

I know Cena can’t lose cleanly because that would affect his Superman image but my gut tells me Nexus will win!

2. Sheamus(c) vs. Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
Randy (who apparently got Kennedy fired) will win this one, because I say so.

3. Kane(c) vs. Rey Mysterio (World Heavyweight Championship)

Mysterio loses after interference from the Undertaker.

4. Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston (IC Championship)

Dolph just won this so he can’t lose

5. Alicia Fox(c) vs. Melina (Divas Championship)

Melina is back but I don’t think she can win just yet.

6. Big Show vs. Straight Edge Society (C.M. Punk, Luke Gallows & Joey Mercury)

Show will most likely overcome the odds and win this one

 

*Winners in bold

 

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it! 

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Comments

1. Comment #1

   Great!!!! Great article bro keep up the good work.I like the way you put funny phrases.

   Posted by The Masked Legend on Monday, August 16, 2010

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