Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown report for 08/27/2010

Greetings beloved mortal followers of The Vampire Lord. It is once again time to lay down the Smackdown. And tonight we have The Faceoff of Hell between “The Big Red Monster” Kane and “The Death Valley Resident” The Undertaker

 

Rey Midgetsterio is out…Ladies and gentlemen we have just been informed that a Smasher/Devourer module has been deployed to annihilate the Mexican midget in a No Disqualification match.

Fear me not but fear my hell
Hate made me so I could kill
Praise me in the name of war
I destroy both rich and poor.

Oh yeah, The Big Red Machine is out to capture the annoying dwarf and eliminate him.

 

No Disqualification, Non-Title Match

Kane vs. Rey Mysterio

Rey starts off with kicks but an uppercut and an irish whip send him flying out of the ring. Facesmash on the guard rail.  Kane throws Rey in ring and grabs a kendo stick. The Midget steals the weapon from the big man but a big boot stops him dead in his tracks. Kane abuses Rey in the corner of the ring with closed fist punches and foot chokes. Springboard move straight in Kane’s giant boot. They’re out of the ring and Kane eats steel steps. Rey flies off the announcer’s table with a seated senton as we head into COMMERCIALS!

 

We’re back in ring and Rey is flying off the turnbuckle straight into a punch. Neck wrench and chin locks are useless cause Rey has a neck the size of a pen. Sidewalk slam for a 2 count by Kane. Steel chair for the Mean Machine. Mysterio avoids the shots with kicks. Rey attacks Kane’s knee with the steel chair.  Chair to the back for a 619 position. San Diego area code to Kane. Springboard into the giant’s iron grip. Chokeslam on the steel chair for a 3 count.

Winner: Kane

I’ll be damned if that title doesn’t look awesome on Kane’s shoulder. Gives him the metallic machine look he NEEDS!

Alberto Del Rio is out to tease the crowd and is welcomed with “You Suck” Chants. He asks Rey if he’s all fine. He looks like a dying dog? Someone needs to put him down. Eat guard rail Midget! Shoulder-snapping armbar locked in! Writhe in pain dwarf! Alberto releases his grasp and wraps the steel chair around his arm. Chair-arm first into the steel ringpost! I hope that’s broken!

 

CM Punk(/w SES) vs. JTG

JTG starts out with a rollup. But Punk gets up and starts stomping a hole in his opponent. Punk’s using his elbows and knees to annihilate JTG’s shoulder. Go To Sleep and an Anaconda Vice! TAPOUT!

Winner: CM Punk

Punk calls the SES in ring and starts yelling at them. BE BETTER OR BE GONE!

 

Random Backstage stuff

Rosa is backstage training. Is it me or is she ugly as hell? Teddy secretly promotes the WWE magazine while a bush starts moving behind him. BOO! From Hornswoggle. They start playing charades to tell Teddy he’s been spying on Lay-Cool.

 

Smoke and Mirrors grooming tips

Cody Rhodes is here to tell us how to shave your legs. DISTURBING! Fast Forward.

 

Special stipulation, Intercontinental Championship match

If Dolph gets disqualified he will lose the title

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi starts off with kicks. Dolph gets out of the ring to recover but the West African follows. Face in the guard rail for Dolph. Back in ring Kofi tries a couple of quick pins but fails. Front flippy Russian leg sweek thing. Ropebreak. Boom Drop off the top rope misses its target. They start treading blows with Kofi once again gaining the upper hand. A boot to the face makes him lose his advantage. High elevation elbow drop from Ziggler. Camel clutch to exploit Kingston’s previous injury. TiP misses. Front flippy Russian leg sweep once again. Ropebreak. Kofi’s frustrated. He starts arguing with the referee while Dolph recovers. Kingston spears the ringpost. Snapmare-running neck snap combo by Ziggler. Neckreaker leads to an arm lock. Sleeper hold is rope broken. Vickie slaps Kingston while the ref isn’t paying attention. Massive knee to the jaw followed by a grounded chin lock. Kofi fights his way out of it and nails the flying clothesline off the second rope for a 2 count. Huge crossbody off the top rope by Kingston for a 2 count. Dolph misses the Zig Zag. Dropkick sends the blonde marvel out of the ring. Crossbody off the ring apron by Kingston. Double clothesline. They start crawling their way back in. Kingston rolls in as Vickie grabs Dolph’s leg who gets counted out to retain.

Winner: Kofi Kingston

Kofi chases Dolph out of the arena.

 

Video package of extreme hate and doom

Yup, it’s a video showing us Kane’s awesome segment from last week. READ everything about it in last week’s article (shameless plug. Deal with it)

 

Swagger Senior Invitational

Jack Swagger vs. MVP

I call this epik crap! Swagger wins because MVP broke the rules with a slap?

Winner: Jack Swagger

Post “match” MVP taps out to the Ankle lock.

 

LayCool Failure

I do not care.

 

Alberto Del Rio vs. Carlos Sanchez

Do i smell squash? German suplex from Alberto! Epik fall off the ropes for Sanchez. Armbar for the win

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

 

The Big Show(/w Kelly Kelly) vs. Luke Gallows(/w Serena and Joseph Mercury)

Long story short… Show turned Gallow’s lungs into mush.

Winner: The Big Show

 

The Segment of Vengeance

FEAR MY WRATH!

Again, Taker needs 5 billion years to make his entrance but at least he’s not sporting that stupid hoodie anymore. He looks like he’s a billion years old too.

“Although I may look dead I am not dead. I am the deadman” WAIT WHAT?

Anyway. Let’s move on. This is still his yard and he will never pardon the guilty. Which brings him to his brother, Kane! Kane has a diseased soul which makes him think he is worthy of carrying the World Heavyweight Championship.

FIERY FLAMES OF BURNING HELL!

Kane is out to confront his brother. Kane is the bigger, stronger, awesomer, the most badass monster in the yard.

Taker doesn’t like Kane’s new nickname. Taker built the Devil’s house brick by fiery brick and soon The Deadman shall reclaim his World Heavyweight Championship.

NOT THIS TIME! Because this time it ends with Kane on top! By the grave of his mother, he will make sure The Deadman will never rest in peace.

 

The End

 

Before I leave I want to give a quick shout out to my sponsors, The Vampire Sandwich Hut. Huge contest on their website, google it and read more about it. And where is says REFFERAL type in my name because that way they’ll love me more and they’ll give me more free garlic bread sandwiches.

 

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

 

PS: Yes! I was listening to Fear Factory when I wrote this and Yes! those are lyrics from Smasher/Devourer. I just altered them a little bit so they fit Kane’s demented character.

Discuss it on the wrestling forum

Comments

1. Comment #1

   You really love Fear Factory don't you?

   Posted by Spriorite on Monday, August 30, 2010

2. Comment #2

   u know wat under taker has been way better ten any wrestler i kno in wwe he been kicking ass hes goin to beat kane and demolish him peace bye peace goodbye kane rip
   

   Posted by nathaniel hall on Monday, September 06, 2010

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