It’s time we get the blood fest started!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you BOREDOMVILLE!

Way to start a show WWE, with a recap in a recap…all praise the vampire elders for the fast forward button (That’s right, we invented it).The first 3 minutes are an absolute failure and ..oh my blood bag… the show starts off with Swagger? Who’s not even being stupid anymore… so he’s a lispy boring hairless gorilla now!

Jack has a nice little speech on how he was born to be champion and he wants to take HBK’s place ?

HOOOOORN!

John Morrison’s out complete with flashy coat and indoor slow motion wind. This segment just went up from Boredomville to “OMG it’s JoMo”!

And he comes out to say some very wise words on haircuts, titles, champions, SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS!

Swagger somehow manages to make himself look like a fool by getting thrown out of the ring as we head into COMMERCIALS!

It has come to my attention that people are getting dumber and dumber after consuming the garlic bread sandwiches. Well I have some breaking news for you people: there are 4, I say again 4 food groups, and the garlic bread sandwich isn’t a 4 in 1 thing...we don’t do stuff like that. If you DON’T eat your sandwiches, then you will look like Timmy; if you eat TOO MANY sandwiches you will look like Cartman! So be a smart man, eat 2 sandwiches a day, in the morning and that is it!

John Morrison vs. Jack Swagger

We’re back and they are going at it already! Jack is apparently targeting JoMo’s abdomen and all of a sudden he starts bleeding…what the? You hit him and YOU start bleeding? Are you the anti human or what?Poor John’s 6 pack is being ripped to shreads by some violent Spears and stomps. They get on the turnbuckle for some reason (maybe you can get a better tan from the reflectors) and John gets tossed across the ring with a belly to belly overhead suplex which gets Jack a 2… SHOCKER! Swagger shows us that he can still be an idiot and his jumping second rope splash backfires in the form of a foot stomp. The flying husband of the bride of chucky connects for a 2, and the Starship Pain does not connect. Gutwrench Powerbomb gets Jack the win.!

Winner:Jack Swagger

The match was…meh… I wanted to see the split legged moonsault connect and the hairless gorilla celebrate…and they didn’t give it to me.

Graphics to show us the next events on the card. And it appears that Darren Young will lose that stupid hair of his because tonight he will be inducted into the Straight Edge Society!

My pot of gold!

Jericho and Barrett (who by the way looks like a cheesy mobster from the 60’s) are backstage and Chris is whining about how hard the week has been for him. And apparently Chris is delusional cause he thinks he’s still the champion!

DID YOU SSSSEE THAT?

The champ is in Jericho’s locker to tell him that THAT is how a champion looks like.(erm, like an idiot in the opening match of the show?)Chris tries to grab the title and keep it for himself… That guy’s acting like a troll without his pot of gold.

Some ‘splaining to do.

Shad Gaspard is  in ring and … what in the name of the vampire Elders? He has a lisp too! And for some reason his new gimmick is a Batista from the ghetto! What in…

Ok, so the WWE had too many tag teams so they decided to break Cryme Tyme?Awesome thinking there writers!

Oh wait, here comes JTG..and here comes a big boot to his face.

BOO!  

Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

Classic start with both people trading blows and WHOOOA! Crowd’s cheering for Hardy. Matt’s in control and a clothesline throws both men out of the ring!

And after commercials we come in to see Drew trying to get a pin. Nothing all that impressive happening in ring to be honest. Matt’s loopy and he’s … he hits a side effect? And another one followed by a second rope leg drop. TOF countered in a butterfly DDT countered with a back body drop. Elbow drop from the apron to Drew who trips Matt. Butterfly DDT on the concrete for the win.

Winner:Drew McIntyre

Joining the family!

CM Punk is in his hometown and he wants to induct Darren Young into the SES.

Serena calls us all sinners…I’m shocked… honestly I think she’s ugly and she should shut up and give that microphone to Punk right now! And she gives the microphone to Gallows? I liked that guy when he was a vegetative bull fed on corn. And FINALLY we get to hear Punk’s words of wisdom!

And the Straightedge Savior says something about ascension … I think he’s been watching Stargate SG-1. And he can convert Darren and make him way better… but he’ll have to take away his hair!

Punk’s hair on the other hand is awesome..his hair is pure and clean.And he asks Darren to raise his hand high up and accept him as his savior…and Young CHANGED HIS MIND!. He gets beat up until Rey comes out to make the save and the SHAVE? Oh no, Punk escapes with help from Serena. Aww shoot, the midget has the microphone…cover your ears! Meh, the bottom line is that Rey accepts Punk’s challenge for a match at Extreme Rules.

Caylen Croft & Trent Baretta vs. The Hart Dynasty

They have a pathetic idea of a promo… and they manage to make themselves look like idiots…

Kidd against Croft for starters. And the Dudebusters are working well as a tag team. Barretta  was in control until DH Smith gets in. Hart Attack turns into a missile dropkick. Trent wants to nail a tornado DDT but somehow manages to get into a sharpshooter.

Winners: The Hart Dynasty

Backstage Josh is being an idiot again and he asks how does it feel to be in the sleeper hold.And Ziggler puts him to sleep!

Raw Recall.

You all know I hate this segment and I never commentate it but today is a special day because we get to see Cena getting KOed and powerbombed… Although I hate Batista I sure love seeing Cena laying there helpless! GO OTUNGA!

The Extreme Rules theme song sounds really bad to be honest… I recommend you POWERWOLF and TAROT!

The Champ loves OTHER people’s locker rooms.

After paying a visit to Chris Jericho earlier, Jack decided that it’s Edge’s turn to be graced with his lispy presence! He’s all arrogant threatening Edge to sideline him … you know, the usual heel stuff. But The Rated R Superstar reminds Swagger that cockiness is bad and at Extreme Rules Jack will lose his title after a DSPEAL! (that’s spear for you, non-lispy people)

Main Event! #1 contender’s match!

Chris Jericho vs. Edge  

They start off… oh wait, COMMERCIALS!

We’re back to see Edge torturing Chris using the ringpost. As he tries to enter back in the ring he gets hit with a springboard dropkick and a rocket launcher followed by a back suplex for a 2. Choked with the second rope 2 times and again choked with the boot, Edge seems groggy. For some reason, Jericho is focusing on the neck of the Rated R Superstar, instead of hitting that Achilles tendon. A baseball slide throws Edge outside of the ring as we head into COMMERCIALS!

We come back to see Jericho kicking Edge in the head and throat. A shot to the injured ribs gives Edge the control of the match. Flapjack and Edgecution for a 2. Jericho comes back with a bulldog and a lionsault into Walls of Jericho. Suspense and drama…will he tap out? Will he reach the ropes? Will he do something so unbelievably stupid to get out of the WoJ that he’ll break his ankle?

The answer is: Edge grabs the bottom rope and the referee forces Chris to break the hold. While Jericho’s arguing with the official, Edge gets up and lands a nice big bot for a 2. Another edgecution countered with the Walls of Jericho countered with an inside cradle. They get up and CODEBREAKER sends Edge flying out of the ring! Chris drags him back in for a pin but of course this ends with a 2! Knee to the ribs and another Edgecution set Jericho up  for a missed spear. They decide to take the fight out of the ring and into the crowd.

The bell rings signaling a double countout as the 2 men keep on fighting.

Winner: No one (double countout)

Edge meets the steel stairs and gets thrown back in the ring while Jericho grabs a steel chair to get hit with a SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

So let’s review today’s show: JoMo was the jobber of the day! Hardy and McIntyre were decent! A charismatic tag team split up and a Playstation team replaced them! A couple of nice promos by Ziggler and the Straightedge Society, and a foggy main event! And what the hell happened to the Undertaker? He should be in the main event fighting for the #1 contendership, chokeslamming people left and right!

I always say that Smackdown is the best mainstream wrestling show but this week’s edition was below average! Hopefully things will get better.

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!