Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 12/18/09

Hello there, loyal mortals… It’s your master, Phenom The Vampire Lord, bringing you the Smackdown report. Tonight’s show isn’t going to be so exciting… but we have to get this blood fest started!

PLAYA!

The General Manager comes out to tell us that at Tables Ladders and Chairs The Undertaker won so we’re going to need a new number one contender for his title… That’s why tonight tere will be a match to determine the man that will face the Deadman for the World Heavyweight Championship “next week, right here, on Smackdown!” But out comes Lady Gaga… I mean Batista (that paparazzi t-shirt confused me) and starts yapping his mouth on how he was robbed of his title, and that he should be facing Taker… Yadda yadda… There’s no one back there that will face big bad Dave anyway so Theodore Long might as well make him the #1 contender… BOOYAKA! BOOYAKA! Mysterio makes me drop my garlic bread sandwich when he says that Batista is 6’5’’(just like me… Now I hate the greek-filippino even more!) Anyway tonight we will have another match between Rey and Batista to determine who will be the “lucky” man to face the demon from Death Valley! *cue blue graphics to give those people time to evacuate the ring*

John Morrison & Matt Hardy & R-Truth vs. Team Straightedge & Drew McIntyre ( our new IC champion)

They need 4 minutes and 50 seconds to make their entrance and start the match with Punk and Hardy… Some regular moves… tag work… but nothing impressive, until BAM! Standing Shooting Star Press for a 2 count followed by COMMERCIALS!

I will tell you the recipes for my garlic bread sandwiches only if you don’t start acting like a 15 year old girl at the New Moon premiere. Beef garlic bread sandwich! You need a nice piece of bloody meat and of course… Garlic bread! This recipe is easy… you just throw away the bread and start chewing the uncooked meat… isn’t that the best recipe ever?

We are back with Punk and Morrison (who is wearing Decorated Pants tonight… Michael Cole needs a life!)…and team Heel is mopping the floor with John, before Drew applies the most ineffective armbar in history! And then The Straightedge Savior goes for a sleeper hold applied with the legs? Backbreaker by Luke Gallows (who by the way looks like a really old Luc Devereaux… The guy Van Dame played in Universal Soldier: The Return, also featuring Bill Goldberg) followed by a double knee drop from the second rope(I think..??!!) by Punk gets them a 2 count! John Morrison makes the tag and in comes Matt who starts his usual Corner Clothesline, bulldog, elbow drop from second rope, side effect Combo… He goes for a Twist of Fate but a Slammy to the abdomen gives the victory to team heel!

 WINNERS: CM Punk, Luke Gallows & Drew McIntyre

MASKED PUBLICITY

Maria and Mickie(from now on M&M… Maria being the red one..) are backstage playing Smackdown V Raw 10… But Beth Phoenix comes in and starts saying something..i wasn’t paying attention… (my sister was watching the brides fight scene from Van Helsing) but the bottom-line is that tonight we will see the Glamazon going one on one with Maria! FAIL!

The GRINCHES ARE COMING TO SMACKDOWN!

DX is coming to my show next week but you don’t care about that…You care about my second garlic bread sandwich recipe!

Trout garlic bread sandwich! You will need a fresh trout, a mobile phone, and … you guessed it, garlic bread… You take the trout and put it in the fridge for later; you throw away the bread and use the phone to order some hamburgers, with extra ketchup, of course!

LATINO MOMENT OF THE WEEK!

 Eric Escobar comes out and calls Vickie a chupacabra! (I am in no way related to the goat sucker…so stop posting funny vampire-chupacabra comments) And apparently, there is no punishment greater than a relationship with Guerrero…EXCUSE ME! Vickie comes out and tells us that she brought a gift…because today is Eric’s birthday!*cue fire-like pyros*

Kane vs. Eric Escobar

 Kane comes out and kills Escobar with a chokeslam, but he too is afraid of Escobar’s former girlfriend! (if you watch the video you will see the Big Red Monster telling Vickie to stay away from him).

 Winner: KANE

 After the match Eric makes some more fun of Guerrero and then leaves the ring with the microphone… My prayers have been heard!

I WANT MY MOMMY!

 Jericho comes out and has problems saying “hypocrites” , and starts whining about how he was separated from Big Show…He has feelings too you know… who will feed him now? Who will make him feel better whenever the big bullies come out and make fun of him? His “other half is gone”! Get a room ! The Punjabi playboy comes down to the ring!

The Great Khali vs. Chris Jericho

 Jericho gets hit with 2 huge right hands, and as Khali goes for the vice grip Chris runs up the ramp and is counted out!

 Winner: The Great Khali (via DQ)

The Hart Dynasty vs. Jimmy Wang Yang(the self proclaimed  Asian redneck gangster)  & Slam Master J

Head scissors to Tyson Kid and a kick to the back of the head of DH Smith and the Hart Dynasty is out of the ring, reciving a suicide dive from “the boys from the hood”. Back in the ring, Team Pink is in control, attacking Jimmy’s back… Nice 3 over head belly to belly suplexes from the son of the British Bulldog! A tornado DDT gives Yang enough time to tag Ying in…The action moves outside of the ring where Natalya body slams J on the concrete… The Canadians win after their tag finisher on the Master…

 Winners: The Hart Dynasty

In ring, the winners cut a promo about how great they are and how they will beat Degeneration X for the titles… because they are better than their fathers, they are better than the best… good luck with that boys!

DIVAS PROMO AND MATCH

Who cares? Mickie James is not fat!

Winner: Beth Phoenix

The Marine 2 is out!

But you don’t have to buy it; my “Born Evil” t-shirt is a lot cooler and cheaper! Available for both men and women, of all sizes and shapes! And you’ll even get a garlic necklace…Tempting, isn’t it?

MAIN EVENT! Batista vs. Rey Mysterio!

Mysterio chants in Spanish… SEATED SENTON to the outside of the ring from Rey! Moonsault from the apron gets countered into a powerslam on the guard rail. COMERCIALS!

Vegetarian garlic bread sandwich! WHAT? I would never eat something vegetarian… I’d rather eat silver or something!I’d even drink some of Nemesis’s Vanilla Coke!

We’re back just in time to hear the crowd chanting “Si se puede”… If they say so… Anyway, Rey’s back meets the steel ring post before being thrown in the ring… And a backbreaker! And a Big Boot! And Batista secretly admires Rikishi apparently.. cause he’s trying to use Banzai Drops! Huge Clothesline almost takes Rey’s head off! 3 body slams in 1 minute… boring! Mysterio fights back with the Seated Senton and the Springboard bulldog and Springboard legdrop…for a 2 count. Batista’s poweslam is countered with a DDT… and another 2! 619 but the splash meets Dave’s raised knees and a Black Hole Slam but Rey-Rey grabs the ropes… Batista bomb is countered but the spear isn’t! Spinebuster..NO it’s a small package and Mysterio picks up the win!

 Winner and new #1 contender: Rey Mysterio!

This match was pretty good, a couple of nice spots, but Batista was doing everything in his power to make the match longer…if they needed a filler, they could have had Taker appear again, or something like that…

The show ends and we go to see if my TLC predictions were right!

 Tables Ladders Chairs PREDICTIONS TIME!

World Heavyweight Champion Undertaker vs. Batista (Chair Match) CHECKED!

 Undertaker wins just because Batista is lousy…

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Sheamus (Tables Match) MISS!

Cena wins … we all know why…                         

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. D-Generation X (Tables,

Ladders & Chairs Match) CHECKED!

DX will win because it’s holiday season and let’s face it, Vince needs the money from the t-shirt sales!Plus the odds are stacked against Degeneration X so Triple H and Shawn Michaels are going home with the titles.                   

Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs. Drew McIntyre CHECKED!

I’m going to say Drew, just because Morrison called Vince a senile old man, and he said that McIntyre’s head is up Mr. McMahon’s rear end…Hopefully I’ll be wrong because I don’t think that Drew is ready for a title YET!

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton CHECKED!

Kofi has won at Survivor Series and during this week’s Raw so I’ll choose “The Viper” Randy Orton as the winner… Plus, Kofi has given us some hints about a possible feud with the irish curse Sheamus!

Women's Champion Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James CHECKED !

Michelle McCool??

ECW Champion Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin (Ladder Match) MISS!

Now this is a match I want to see and I think I’ll go with Shelton as the winner… Christian has been a champion for too long now and the Gold Standard is lacking the gold…

5 out of 7 isn’t bad, but that only means that the WWE product is becoming predictable, and that’s not what makes your viewers happy!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article,I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

Comments

1. Comment #1

   This is too simillar to chaos awards.. who copied who?

   Posted by The Rabid Wolverine on Monday, December 21, 2009

2. Comment #2

   This is similar to what? WHEN?
   You think that Indianapolis would publish a copycat article? You will deffinitely need some garlic tonight!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Monday, December 21, 2009

3. Comment #3

   first hater!
   *elvis voice*Thank you, thank you very much!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Monday, December 21, 2009

4. Comment #4

   first i agree mickie is perfectly balanced

   Posted by Mr Murder on Monday, December 21, 2009

5. Comment #5

   A bit short in my honest oppinion but the show was bad so you had to deal with it...
   Why do you hate Batista?
   
   XD

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Monday, December 21, 2009

6. Comment #6

   I thought better of you vampire boy. Actually this is a good article, just can't stand you're enthusiasm.

   Posted by CW on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

7. Comment #7

   I copied off Snappy, Phenom copies off me... it works :P

   Posted by The Nemesis on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

8. Comment #8

   Hmm, last time i checked, #9 was a guy posing as me...now he's gone..WEIRD! My garlick bread is AWESOME!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

9. Comment #9

   You're an odd duck, Phenom, but this is one of the more entertaining SD reviews I've read in a while.

   Posted by Adam Nedman on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

10. Comment #10

    It appeared to be that you put more effort into the stupid commericals of garlic bread then putting how the match went.

    Posted by Unknown on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

11. Comment #11

    Aww, what's wrong with garlic bread? Too much butter, not enough garlic? Your recipe must suck if you have to throw the bread away! Regardless, I love the witty banter in your article!

    Posted by F5inator on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

12. Comment #12

    Phenom, some advice from a two time columnist, don't comment on your own articles, it leads to disaster and quitting

    Posted by Lionman on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

13. Comment #13

    Thank you Adam!
    Unknown> i'm not a fan of telling you every single move in the match... this is my style..you want every move, go and see SD! simple as that!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Tuesday, December 22, 2009

14. Comment #14

    As long as good articles are coming I don't really mind the simmilar styles. Everyone uses personas and gimmicks to spice things up and the biggest practioners are wrestlers so its alright and GARLIC BREAD FOR EVERYONE!

    Posted by The Rabid Wolverine on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

15. Comment #15

    Thanks for the nice comments people, i'm trying to introduce a new concept... yo will see it in my next articles...
    Garlic bread FTW!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

16. Comment #16

    Is garlic bread the new vanilla coke?

    Posted by RockyVlad on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

17. Comment #17

    Let me just say this.... Mickie James is today's version (albeit a 8/10 version) of Trish Stratus. And I'm sorry, but as great as Mickie James looks (no, she's NOT fat...she's barely a buck 20...aka 120 lbs), Trish is simply a perfect 10. Still, I wouldn't ever turn down Mickie if she was even remotely interested to simply use me as an appetizer, let alone more. *hint hint*

    Posted by Koj Tije Dedo on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

18. Comment #18

    Garlic bread is NEW! period:P! and i don't do commercials..those are recipes...
    

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

19. Comment #19

    I love your work phoenom please do more
    Garlic bread is the future

    Posted by Cazza on Thursday, December 24, 2009

20. Comment #20

    I know... Garlic Bread is better than vanilla coke, it's better than anything out there (Nemesis is my mate, i'm just teasing him)!
    Wait until i do this week's edition of SD! we're going to have fun with the grinches! aka DX

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Thursday, December 24, 2009

21. Comment #21

    You're friggin weird. In a good way though. And its a little irritating that you copied off of Madam with the commercial thing. But when all said and done, you get the job done. Good review of a sub-par show.

    Posted by Midwest Massacre on Thursday, December 24, 2009

22. Comment #22

    THEY ARE NOT COMMERCIALS!
    THEY ARE RECIPES!
    YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINT: A VAMPIRE IS EATING GARLIC BREAD! HOW IRONIC IS THAT?
    thank you MM... this show really sucked.. and the fact that i lost my first version of tis article cause of the good old Microsof Word didn't helped... but glad you folks like it

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Thursday, December 24, 2009

23. Comment #23

    I think that you are better than Nemisis when will the review on SD be done

    Posted by Cazza on Friday, December 25, 2009

24. Comment #24

    Thank you..i don't compare myself to him cause our topics are totally different..i like his articles...
    i will do it today or tomorrow so it should be posted by sunday-monday!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Friday, December 25, 2009

25. Comment #25

    I guess vampires who ear garlic bread also have mirror reflection :P

    Posted by RockyVlad on Friday, December 25, 2009

26. Comment #26

    Your review was good, although are you always going to do garlic bread RECIPES not commercials in every article or only in this one?

    Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, December 26, 2009

27. Comment #27

    why does every1 keep talkin bout the garlic bread ITS SOMETHING TO FILL AN EMPTY SPACE

    Posted by Cazza on Sunday, December 27, 2009

28. Comment #28

    whys a vampire doing rescipes for something that will kill him?

    Posted by matt on Sunday, December 27, 2009

29. Comment #29

    Not sure if i'll do only garlic bread recipes..i may mix them up with oter things that are running through my head.. stay tuned for this weeks's edition of SD!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Sunday, December 27, 2009

30. Comment #30

    Just sent my new SD report to the Publisher..it should be uploaded soon!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Sunday, December 27, 2009

31. Comment #31

    I remember there being a rule that you can't mention other writers in your articles. Also I once got in trouble for talking about comments in my articles. Why did Indy only go after me?

    Posted by The Bouncer on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

32. Comment #32

    well i think that we are kinda allowed to mention other article writers in our reports..i remember snappy mentioning vince...
    

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

33. Comment #33

    Lol sorry if I came off on the wrong foot. I don't remember if it was Glide or Indy that sent a Global PM to the articles and was all like "DO NOT MENTION OTHER ARTICLE WRITERS OR WE WILL CUT OFF YOUR HEAD" XD
    
    Whoever it was, well they were getting all mad over it.
    
    Oh and one more thing. This is directed at the person who gets mad at everyone for everything, THE COMMENT ABOUT THE HEAD IS A JOKE!!!!!!!!!
    
    Sorry it is like copyright claims on Youtube, if you don't put "credit goes to ____" then Youtube is all over your ass :P

    Posted by The Bouncer on Thursday, December 31, 2009

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