Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 12/25/09

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Hello there, loyal mortals… It’s your master, Phenom The Vampire Lord, bringing you the Smackdown report. Tonight’s show is going to be boring, I have a bad feeling about it but we have to get this blood fest started so away we go!

HOW TO KILL YOUR BOSS!

 After some pointless graphics to show us some of the matches on the card, plus some very annoying Christmassy comments from Todd Grisham and Matt Striker, we see Vickie and Teddy together and they remind me of the teleshopping channel! Oh god..this will hurt my eyes! Anyway Long brought a yellow egg thing with added something something… and they start cooking potatoes with industrial amounts of butter! The GM takes that pot away from Vickie and they start preparing the turkey which, with some TV magic is done in seconds… Vickie reaches in the fridge for her world famous cranberry sauce and as she turns around we see the littlest DX member destroying Guerrero’s dinner…PRECIOUS!

Y’all know what time it is?

It’s 2:56 pm but that’s not important actually… We start off the show with R-truth, John Morrison, Matt Hardy and Finlay coming down to the ring for the wonderful 4 on 4 tag team match! And their opponents are CM Punk, his valet and Slammy award carrier Luke Gallows, Drew McIntyre and the blonde wonder Dolph Ziggler! I am getting tired of this..every time Smackdown opens with an even bigger tag team match….they just add two more people that hate eachother! And it’s not even elimination style, no great spots like a tower of doom or something…It’s awful!

John Morrison & Matt Hardy & R-Truth & Finlay vs. Team Straightedge & Drew McIntyre & Dolph Ziggler

The match starts with with Finlay and Dolph… Some regular moves… The Irishman is  toying with his opponent and he tags the team’s singer in! who manages to lose the advantage that he had…Punk replaces Ziggy and headbutts his opponent’s ribs! R-Truth takes advantage of the situation and uses and arm drag before tagging Hardy in.   COMMERCIALS!

So I have decided to give you some secret family recipes to help you against different mystical creatures! AntiWerewolf Garlic Bread Sandwich! You will need a regular garlic bread sandwich,(the recipe is in my first article),sun glasses  and a flame thrower! You will use the flame thrower on the sandwich to make it all crispy and eat it! Then when the lycan attacks you, put on the glasses and burn down the creature with your trusty flame thrower! (make sure that you have enough propane in the tank and do not look at the burn wolfman it’s a horrible image)

We are back with Matt and Luke and team Heel is killing poor Hardy! I got bored so I wasn’t paying attention anymore..cause it was soo boring! By the way long hair should be legal! I agree with Todd Grisham! Finally some action with Morrison using his legs to destroy Zig’s face! Pin attempt broken by Drew! Anarchy is ring! Rolling thunder to McIntyre, GTS to the ribs of the fighting Irishman, kick to Punk’s face from R-Truth,who ducks an attack from Ziggler who gets nailed with the Side effect! Double clothesline from Luke who takes out Truth and Hardy! SpringboardEnzuigiri(he calls it a Flying Chuck and claims be a springboard roundhouse, but I saw it as a springboard enzuigiri) Gallows and STARSHIP PAIN for The master of the Zig Zag!

WINNERS: John Morrison & Matt Hardy & R-Truth & Finlay

Boring match… Haven’t seen a Standing Shooting Star Press, I was expecting the end of match anarchy, and I was expecting a Twist of Fate followed by a Starship Pain… Plus, where’s the dreaded Celtic Cross, or the Corkscrew elbow thing that Truth does? BORING!

MAKING AN IMPACT

The face of Smackdown, Y2J comes out to give us the old conspiracy theory but at least I agree with him! DX Christmas Smackdown is disgusting! And Jerishow should be the #1 contenders! *Cue Hard dynasty theme song as they come down the ramp* By the way, those t-shirts are AWFUL! They remind me of a pink winged Kuriboh! Anyway, Jericho calls them punks with dirt all over their face and they just say the “better than the best” catchphrase…Break it down! Shawn is amazed by how SD looks like although he has been here before! They have gifts (insert shameless self promotion here) and they have crought Jericho the all new “tickle-me Big Show” with flatus sounds! As for the Hart Kids, they will get a one way ticket to Canada! With lots of bears and hockey!  Jericho tells the Hart Dinasty to make an impact which they do with a Hart attack! By the way… not so impressive!

MICKIE JAMES IS NOT FAT! REALLY!

TLC Clip!

Anti Succubus Garlic Bread Sandwich!  You will need 5-6 garlic bread sandwiches, a huge bucket of popcorn and Blood Ties, the movie! Start watching the 22 episodes and you will eventually find out what to do as they had to build a Succubus Magic cage!Also, if  you don’t have Sandwiches, you can always use icecream, rocky road, as recommended by Amie!

Something’s wrong with Smackdown!

What? Is this for real?*runs to the mirror but can’t see himself*! WHAT? Oh that was the window!*runs to the mirror, checks his eyes and then returns to watch the match muttering*  The World Heavyweight Championship match is next? Last week, now was the time for Eric Escobar’s rantings? And now you have a championship match?

Rey Mysterio vs. The Undertaker ©

They need 4+ minutes to start the match and Taker goes directly for the chokeslam! But Mysterio slips free out of that and is thrown outside! Dodges the apron legdrop and takes the Deadman down with a suicide dive! COMMERCIALS!

Anti Gnome Garlic Bread Sandwich! Who cares? I mean really, gnomes are tiny! What can they do, smack you with a shovel or something? If you are afraid of gnomes you should probably stop digging for gold…

We’re back with Mysterio attacking Taker’s legs…, Taker is sent outside of the ring, a baseball slide followed by a failed Seated Senton so the Undertaker swings him in the guard rail! By the way, The Demon from Death Valley loves to use submission moves…especially on Rey’s arms! Last Ride countered in a Springboard Headbutt and a springboard leg drop…Springboard crossbody into a Big Boot! Chokeslam and BATISTA? The Animal attacks Taker and goes for a Batista Bomb, but The Deadman gets free, only to get hit with the 619! Batista spears Taker, 619 to Batista and a Seated Senton!

Winner: The Undertaker (via DQ)

LET’S HELP RAW GET MORE VIEVERS!

Who on earth cares about Raw? I mean, who wants to see Cena? Boo! Or Timbaland? BOO! Or Sheamus’s accent? (actually you don’t see his accent but you hear it…you get the point)

TRIBUTE TO THE TROOPS!

We all love the tribute to the troops but this is a Smackdown article so I’m not going to comment on it! Period! And that gift that Striker received… it makes him look fat and nice… and he’s the heel commentator! FAIL! 

GIFT TYME!

Crime Tyme members are backstage with a fake Santa (Santa is real, since vampires are) and the fake Santa is complaining… the real one would too but he was out bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls! So Shad gives him a helping boot!

Ho!HO!HO! Shad Gaspard and JTG, it’s Christmas Tyme! So they come out with the bag of toys and start handing them out to the the spectators!

Cryme Tyme vs. A team (not the A TEAM, just a regular team of jobbers)

So, here are the highlights: Striker is still wearing that horrible sweater, Money Money Elbow drop, Military Press and G-9. Wow… that lasted a bit longer than I expected!

Winners: Cryme Tyme

PIE TIME!

Mexican warm apple pie equals American pie! Yadda Yadda, and a pie to Vickie’s face, “Always save room for dessert” and a pie to Teddy’s face!

Layla & Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James and Maria ( aka M&M)

Michelle McCool is doing commentary.  And Matt Striker should stop being all sweet to Michelle…We all know who she’s been hanging around with!

Winners: Team M&M

The Marine 2 is out!

Didn’t we had that last Friday? Anyway, my awesome garlic necklaces are a hit, you really should buy more of them…protect your loved ones folks!

MAIN EVENT! Hart Dynasty vs. Degeneration X

The match starts off with Michaels and Kidd… the ordinary moves… Rocket launcher in Hunter’s forearm, standing vertical suplex on Tyson…COMMERCIALS!

Can’t find my recipes so…back to the match!           

The Game receives a standing vertical suplex from the baby bull DH Smith! HBK misses the elbow drop from the turnbuckle! Natalya slaps Mr. Wrestlemania. Striker had lunch with Natalya? Standing vertical uplex to Shawn…Springboard thing into an inverted Atomic Drop to Kidd (at least he isn’t a Hart so the legacy will continue) high knee, facebuster and 2 spinebusters from Triple H. Pedigree reversed into Hart Attack but Shawn makes the save… Sweet Chin Music – Pedigree combo and the 3 count!

Winners: DX  (Triple H & Shawn Michaels) 

The show ends with DX and Hornswoggle doing their crotch chops…Loved the little Jumping crotch chop at the end!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article,I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

Comments

1. Comment #1

   Honestly Smackdown this week hurt my head with a big title match becoming a curtian jerker match for godsake. Then you toss in the mickie james fat stuff that makes no sense. I could see if she was actually fat but i see no fat on her at all. ( I would like to take this chance to suggest a full invetigation of her body personally to find the fat!) But then what made my head hurt worste was to see a diva tag match and cryme tyme have matches after a big title match? Ok enough complaining from me about SD! isnt really worth the time to complain about it as vince will never care to listen

   Posted by T-Wolf on Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2. Comment #2

   FONT CHANGING!!

   Posted by The Nemesis on Monday, December 28, 2009

3. Comment #3

   so hornswoggle can show up on smasckdown now?

   Posted by matt on Monday, December 28, 2009

4. Comment #4

   Agreed, keep your so called "gimmick"...It amuses me.

   Posted by ... on Tuesday, December 29, 2009

5. Comment #5

   Hornswoggle lives under the ring.. he can show up even at TNA shows:P
   *slaps himself* i just said tha name of the WCW 2.0!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Monday, December 28, 2009

6. Comment #6

   Woah are the typos intentional? 'cause there are alot of them in your article.
   Awesome article as always but the whole garlic thing... well i guess its time for a new gimmick.

   Posted by The Rabid Wolverine on Monday, December 28, 2009

7. Comment #7

   well sometimes the vampire can't spell the words right cause of his fangs..;) you are the first one to notice that;)
   welll it's not about the bread..it's about mocking the vampires so no gimmick change!

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Monday, December 28, 2009

8. Comment #8

   Read almost all the way through. Some reason, I'd rather read about the garlic bread than the matches themselves... Must be the butter. *FACT: If you dislike/hate garlic bread, you are an anarchist.

   Posted by F5inator on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

9. Comment #9

   ...Anyone know why the comments are arranged in a random order instead of the usual descending #1-2-3 order?

   Posted by F5inator on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

10. Comment #10

    yay the first article of yours i could finish reading....well i sorta finished reading it...

    Posted by Executioner Of Anarchy on Tuesday, December 29, 2009

11. Comment #11

    The almighty Indianapolis Uses his magic wand to delete the "flaming" comments because he has lost article writers cause of them. so the comments replace the old ones then go back to 1-2-3...
    THIS WEEK's SD was JUST LAME! i knew that more garlic bread will save the day, but the fans wanted a more accurate description of the moves...
    and...WEAR YOUR GARLIC NECKLACE PEOPLE!

    Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

12. Comment #12

    @#11, Well, that answers my question.

    Posted by F5inator on Thursday, December 31, 2009

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