I bow down before you for actually reading my reports.

Now, after that odd, almost human moment, it’s time we get this blood fest started!

So, the show starts off in a horrible way; with a replay. Last week’s main event was entertaining, but that happened LAST WEEK! Why don’t we use these moments to give someone some air time?

Out comes Jack Swagger for his match against John Morrison. This should be good, unless they decide to make JoMo job to him just to build the champion as an educated monster.

Jack gets a microphone and starts calling himself the best just because he won the triple threat and and he “dominated the Undertaker like no other, not even Shawn Michaels”. Now this would be a nice promo if it weren’t for his lisp distracting me. And to make this segment even worse, they show ANOTHER video from Raw.

And Jack cuts a nice promo on how he’s the antidote to Randy Orton’s venom, and how this week he will go straight after the Viper’s head and take it off!

I so wish I could’ve seen the Undertaker cutting this promo…

Hooornn! Time for our dose of athleticism, indoor wind and slow motion pyros.

Jack Swagger © vs. John Morrison  (non-title match)

The match starts off with a quick pace, and the champion is showing his amateur wrestling background, but a running knee to the face levels him for a pin.2. They get up and Jack hits a massive modified spinebuster.

COMMERCIALS!

We’re back and both men are down with Jack applying the body scissors. Both men on the turnbuckle, but Morrison gets the upper hand and hits a beautiful missile dropkick. Flying chuck countered with a  big boot. Multiple elbow drops and a double leg drop. And an inverted rocket launcher type of move almost knocks John out. And he tries to get up but he’s trapped with a chickenwing sleeper hold type of move.

Elbows to the groin and a DDT give John the win. He starts a series of hits whch ends with a 2 count. The flying chuck connects but it gets a 2.5 Gutwrench Powerbomb connects but Morrison’s too close to the ropes. Pele kick and a split legged corkscrew moonsault for the win.

Winner: John Morrison.  

They give us 2 video packages promoting the official Smackdown Australian Tour and the WWE draft which will take place on Raw.

The straightedge, his partners and the bald

Punk’s backstage with the entire SES backing him up as he’s arguing with Teddy Long for some strange reason. The GM makes fun of him and the way he will look bald. Only bald guy around here that actually looks good is the playa’. And to celebrate baldness, we’ll have a match tonight. Punk & Luke Gallows will go 2 on 2 against Rey Mysterio and his handsome, bald partner. It’s not Teddy, it’s Kane!

R-Truth and Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre and Dolph Ziggler

I got bored to death in the beginning. Then Commercials came in.

Matt spears the ringpost then gets stomped on his head by Drew.

Winners: Drew McIntyre and Dolph Ziggler(via referee decision)

Post match, Drew attacks Matt Hardy again.

The lion’s cage

Jericho and his protégée Wade Barrett step inside the steel cage and Chris does the “I’ll finish his career” speech. Y2J will draft Edge to the hospital for good, and then the “SPEAR” chants will end. For Ever!

On this day! Edge comes out limping with a microphone and mocks Jericho for losing to Heath Slater on NXT.

The Rated R Superstar comes down the ramp and, still limping gets in Jericho’s face and with a somewhat psychopathic voice tells him that he has nothing to lose and that he will make his way back to the top, just like he did after every injury.

Brawl inside the cage but Jericho exits before he gets speared. He bolts the door shut with Edge and Wade still inside. Heads are flying against the steel walls and a spear on top for Barrett send a powerful message to Chris.

JTG vs. Mike Knox (/w Shad on commentary)

JTG’s ducking and dodging doesn’t help him avoid a monstrous running crossbody.

At the commentary table Shad’s being as interesting as a drop of water in the ocean.

Back in ring, I mean out of the ring, as we just witnessed a plancha on Knox. Running modified neckbreaker to end this match.

Winner:JTG

Post match, Shad smacks JTG with the strap across the bare skin.

A video package of a Raw rivalry on Smackdown? A video package involving Cena and Batista? Where on earth is my fast forward button when I need it?

On SmackRaw Punk did another epic promo and he managed to lose some of his hair. If you want to find out more, read the Raw review. I hear that Blaze will hire someone to do it.

Michelle McCool © and Layla vs. Beth Phoenix and Mickie James

You have got to be kidding me. These are all the same. Hair and screaming.

Winners:Team LayCool

Look what you’ve done to my hair!

Punk’s out with the rest of the Straightedge Society and he’s complaining about how that evil masked midget took a piece of his hair. But that’s all he’s going to get because come Sunday, Punk will win and keep his full head of hair. But we’re lucky because tonight somebody will join the Straightedge Society via a head shave.

Oh, crap, here comes Rey to destroy another segment! Why can’t I just see a nice long segment with just Punk? No SES, no Rey, no nobody… I just want Punk!

Kane and Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk and Luke Gallows

Would you look at that? Rey’s getting squashed by Punk and his disciple. In comes Kane as we head into Commercials.

We’re back with Kane and Luke Gallows. Tags on each side and it’s Punk vs. Rey now with the midget getting squashed. Holy electric snakes, what a tornado DDT! That must have hurt. Tags on both sides and Kane’s being all monsterryfic on Punk.Splash off the Big Red Monster’s shoulders for a near fall. Springboard moonsault is caught into a GTS which is countered with sunse..oh wait Pnk sits down on Mysterio. 3!3!3!

Winners: CM Punk and Luke Gallows

Post match Rey once again tries to shave Punk but fails due to interference from Serena.

The End

Bloodless victim rant.

It has come to my attention that Shelton Benjamin has been released from Smackdown. What in the name of all the vampire lords is the Creative team doing? I just hinted them a new feud a couple of weeks ago and they decide to fire Shelton. I will find their addresses and …*grins showing off his fangs*

It is now time for the Extreme Rules Predictions:

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton (Extreme Rules Match)

I’m expecting to see a nice match between these two but I’m also expecting Swagger to retain. Then Orton will get drafted to Smackdown and somehow become the #1 contender again and then he’ll win. But at Extreme Rules, Swagger to retain.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Batista (Last Man Standing Match)

Superman will push himself to the limit but this time he will win and “injure” Batista so he can do his movie. Cena to win and become new WWE Champion.

Edge vs. Chris Jericho (Steel Cage Match)

Edge has been stomped way too many times and at Extreme Rules, he will unleash all that fury to eventually win.Edge to win

Triple H vs. Sheamus (Street Fight)

Hunter won at Mania but I have a feeling he will lose to his pet project this Sunday just to give him a push. And cause Sheamus is an evil heel who will do anything to win. Swagger to win

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk (If Punk loses, his head gets shaved)

I see Punk somehow losing this match but without losing his hair, so that it will set up for a hair vs. mask match that will eventually be lost by Punk. Rey Mysterio to win.

Women's Champion Michelle McCool vs. Beth Phoenix (Extreme Makeover Match)

Who on earth would ever care about this? The crowd to lose

JTG vs. Shad Gaspard (Strap Match)

So we’re down to our last match, probably the first on the show. The strap match between the 2 former best friends and tag team partners, Just Too Good and Shad Gaspard! Well I actually hate Shad for being pushed like a new Batista. So I’m expecting JTG to win after a weird move, maybe after strangling Shad with the strap while doing his finisher. That could look nice. JTG to win.

As you all know, my predictions are always way off so seel free to rub it in my face in the comment section which you can find below.

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!