Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 07/30/10

Greetings mortals, The Vampire Lord is back once again with the incredibly awesome (can you see the modesty?) Smackdown report. This week has been rather chaotic and I was really looking forward to watching the show and writing for you, but WWE did it again. They made Smackdown look like a complete failure!

Well fear not, because in an attempt to make this article a resounding success I shall bring back the garlic bread sandwich commercials!

Last week’s show ended with Kane getting pwned by Midgetsterio. Which is bad because Kane is THE World Heavyweight Champion. So he looks weak when he gets mauled by a 3’4’’ masked chucky doll.

Kane is in the ring! And he says his brother finally moved! No Crowd Reaction whatsoever. And the attacker was REY MYSTERIO! The promo is really boring and I fall asleep to Kane’s calm and soothing voice…

I woke up to Captain Botch’s theme song. Great! And his opponent tonight will be the Sinister Scotsman (his theme song should be Powerwolf’s “Mr. Sinister” then ).

Christian vs. Drew McIntyre

So Christian has the upper hand in the beginning of the match and sends Drew flying over the top rope. AWESOME missed baseball slide (sarcasm). Drew crawls under the ring and trips Captain Botch who goes shoulder first in the ring apron. Back in ring we see classic heel tactics aka attacking the injured limb of the poor babyface. COMMERCIALS!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vampire Sandwich Hut has signed a new deal with the Vampire’s Crypt! That means you will be seeing their commercials once again! As a comeback bonus, we are launching the Vegetarian Garlic Bread Sandwich in association with PETA. Buy now and save some cows!

We’re back and Christian rolls back in at the count of 9! Almost a chokeslam there by Christian. Armbar makes Christian scream in pain…Shoulder first in the turnbuckle goes the Peep! Christian fights back with one hand! He’s like an anime character! Missile dropkick and both men are down!.The good guy fights back! Rope assisted neckbreaker! Off the top rope with a diving crossbody reversed into a pin by Drew. Future shock reversed in the Unprettier transformed in a reverse DDT!. Stomp that shoulder! FAIL! Drew jumps onto Christian’s upraised knees. Flying arm attack from Christian! Drew gets up and sends him shoulder first into the steel ringpost. ANGEL WINGS? Reversed into a small package by Christian .

Winner: Christian Cage

How to be Dashing!

Cody Rhodes tells us how to have a clean face. We can do that by wearing a Joker-like mask. No thank you sir…

Alberto Del Rio

Thanks to all the people who sent me information about this guy. I still don’t like him! He obviously isn’t a garlic bread sandwich man…

Poor Punk

The SES is backstage and the leader isn’t very happy about the fact that he lost his mask! Joseph says “he took off my mask too” and he gets owned by the boss. He tells them they are nothing without him… and they need to do something! He leaves and comes back in throwing pillows at them. OR ELSE YOU CAN PACK YOUR BAGS!

The Garlic Bread Smack of the Night

It’s all about Show’s Unmasking Spree! Not that interesting….

The Big Show vs. Luke Gallows

Luke is desperate to look good and he gets owned with open palm chops. And a monster throw sends Luke fying out of the ring. Triple team on Show!

Winner: The Big Show (by DQ)

They’re using the steel steps to crush his hand. No more chokeslams for a while. Show passes out from the pain.

There’s your SOMETHING, Punk.

The high-protein garlic bread sandwiches will help you heal after you get your hand crushed in barfights. So if you happen to live in the wild West, you definitely need the new and improved garlic bread sandwiches, available only at the Vampire Sandwich Hut.

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

Behind every powerful woman stands Dolph Ziggler? WOW!

The commentators are arguing about Kofi Kingston’s training methods in Ghana. The Match is boring , but the Striker-Grisham dispute is making it fun.

Monkey flip by Kofi. Punches in the corner and an uppercut give him a 2 count. Body slams are damaging his neck preparing Kingston for the sleeper hold. Nasty rope assisted neckbreaker for another 2 count.

A chin lock slows down the action but Kofi gets up and dropkicks the living hell outta him. Dolph gets up and hits an “inverted body slam”. In the background Striker is comparing Vickie and Dolph with Juliet and Romeo O_O

NEW! You can now buy the garlic chips at the Vampire Sandwich Hut. You know you wanted a snack for those horror movie nights. Now you have it! BUY BUY!

We’re back from commercials to see Kofi screaming in pain. Neckbreaker! Bridging modified chin lock… or something… Rocket launcher by Kingston. Dropkick and highly elevated flying clothesline. Leg drop for a 2 by Ziggler. Rope assisted choke by Dolph. Kofi gets slapped and goes berserk.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler (by DQ)

Over the announcers’ table goes Dolph. EAT WOOD!

Dolph plays dead and Kofi is playing the Hulk card!

At Summerslam we will see Team Cena vs. The Nexus (BOO), Orton vs. Sheamus and KANE vs. Rey Midgetsterio.

Josh “Retarded Questions” Mathews

Jack agrees. He says his questions are brainless. Poor Daddy Swagga is still in the hospital.

He’s going to throw Rey into the Gulf of Mexico. That will be fun!

Tiffany vs. Layla (for the Women’s Championship)

By the power invested in Vickie Guerrero...

Tiffany vs. Michelle McCool (for the Women’s Championship)

Winner: Michelle McCool

No Disqualification Match

Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger

Jack starts off with some violent punches in the turnbuckle. Missed Vader bomb! 619 position and Jack rolls out of the ring! Ankle lock out of the ring! Reversed! Jack goes shoulder first in those steel steps.

The Vampire Sandwich Hut is expanding! So you know it’s coming to your town soon! And then you can feed your garlic bread sandwich addiction!

SUPERPLEX POSITION! But Rey fights out of it.Seated senton connects! But Rey misses the springboard crossbody. Head scissors out of the ring. A facebuster on the guard rail makes Mysterio roll into the crowd. DDT on the guard rail to Jack. Double powerbomb into the guard rail. They take the fight in the shop area of the arena. Ref almost gets a door in the face. Mysterio flies through the glass doors and down the steps. A car saves Rey from a powerslam.Rey fights back. Seated Senton off some concrete structures. Seaside fight. Ground and pound by Swagger! Hurricanrana sends Jack flying into the Gulf of Mexico.KANE! IT’S KANE!

KANE CHOKESLAMS REY INTO THE GULF OF MEXICO!

THE END

Now since I have the space I shall talk about something I always belittle in my reports. And that is women’s wrestling in WWE.

Hold your boos and rotten tomatoes please.

WWE is sports entertainment. And it works for them. They have the big sponsors, the fans on their side, everything they need to be successful.

Women in the WWE do not wrestle like they used to. They do not act as managers like they used to. They are there to flash their “essential parts” and keep a certain segment of the population happy.

Lita, Trish, Stacy, they were either fighting like there was no tomorrow, or helping their assigned wrestlers by any means necessary. (Sandman’s wife got piledrived through a table).

Modern Divas are there to strike P.Diddy’s ego or to appear in juvenile segments (LayCool).

You can still see attitude era-like female wrestlers in TNA. And you can see all out female wrestlers in Chikara or Shimmer. (at Chickarasaurus Rex, Daizee Haze got the win after a german suplex on Awesome Kong).

What I’m trying to say is, if you like WWE, keep on watching, if you want the attitude era back, watch TNA, and if you want to see women wrestling, watch the indies!

But I will always say WWE’s version of women wrestling is pure crap.

What happened to Smackdown?

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, the way I see it, Smackdown is lacking originality. Badly! What happened to the Archer-Hawkins team? And what happened to Yoshi Tatsu? JTG and Shad have disappeared and John Morrison has been drafted to Raw where he’s sitting on the bench. The Undertaker is out injured and Rey must be happy so he always gets air time!

Shake things up WWE! Bring back the tag team division; get rid of the Alberto Del Rio segments and LET IT RIP!

Hell, bring in the NXT superstars and let them fight! Just do something interesting!

That should improve your ratings a little bit (Hear that Vince? BETTER RATINGS! More Money!)

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

PS: if you’re the praying kind and believe prayers can help a vampire, put a good word for the Vampire Grandfather who passed away after a 20 year fight with various illnesses including partial paralysis.

Vampire's Crypt: Smackdown Report for 07/30/10

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