Vampire's Crypt: Wrestlemania 26 Report for 03/28/10

Ladies and gentlemen, from the dark transilvanian mountains, weighing in at 230 pounds, the former Smackdown reporter and NEEEEW article witer for The Wrestling Game, Phenom The Vampire Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, after a hard fought battle with my evil teachers and their stupid ideas I am back! The vampire’s crypt is back, the garlic bread sandwiches are back, everything’s back! And we’re ready to go off with a bang! So let’s get this blood fest started!

WELCOME TO WRESTLEMANIA!

I hate the theme song… pop and wrestling shouldn’t mix, but this is Mania so I guess I can ignore Rudolph.

R-Truth & John Morrison vs. Big Show & The Miz ©

Unified Tag Team Titles on the line.

The contenders are out first and they get a nice pop…everyone loves Truth’s entrance.

Miz does look awesome with his jacket and all that gold around him…

The match itself starts off with Miz and Morrison.  And Miz is getting owned with kicks by R-Man and his partner until Show comes in and beats everyone to a pulp. Banzai is avoided with a flying chuck. Tag on both sides and Starship Pain misses Miz. Skull Crashing Finale reverted into a pin by John. Flying Chuck attempt but Show’s right hand knocks JoMo out. And the 3 count goes to the current champs.

Winners: The Miz and The Big Show

A video from the WrestleMania week is shown while we get ready for the next match.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase

First thing I notice is how annoying Rhodes’ and DiBiase’s songs are compared to Randy’s Voices.

Orton is trying to  keep  one man down at all time but he gets outnumbered soon. Bored to death I click the fast forward button. Orton fighting back with punches, but gets clotheslined. High and Low kinda botched if you ask me. Cody wants to go for a moonsault but Ted goes for a pin. And they start fighting eachother while Randy is recovering. The Viper comes back with scoop slams, backbreakers and…Stupid Rhodes dives over DiBiase. Second rope double DDT to Legacy. And Cody gets punted while an RKOed Ted gets Randy the win.

Winner:Randy Orton

Piggie Guerrero on the microphone…Fast forward!

Money in the Bank Ladder Match!

Kofi’s the first one out and he gets a nice pop. After him come MVP and Evan Bourne. Jack Swagger gets booed big time… probably cause of his hairless gorilla impersonation. He’s followed by Shelton Benjamin, Matt Hardy, Dolph Ziggler (who’s again called the most sinister mind in the match), Drew McIntyre and The Big Red Monster (who should be the most sinister mind in the match) KANE! And last but not least, Christian, who gets an awesome pop from his peeps.

The match starts off and people are already sliding a ladder in the ring. This will be a spotfest. Kane chokeslams Bourne over the top rope over MVP and Shelton. Dolph Ziggler comes out of nowhere to Zig Zag Christian off a ladder but he gets faceplanted aswell. Kane  gets squashed by 3 men with a  ladder and Pay Dirt hits Montel.Evan double knee drops Swagger who gets squashed with 2 ladders. And Christian is SSPed off a ladder. Evan gets arm dragged by Matt off the top of the ladder. MVP andShelton battling.. powerbomb reversed into a head scissors by Benjamin. Kane doesn’t care about the briefcase, he just uses a ladder to squash people. And Ziggler gets Chokeslamed on the ladder. Kofi uses a dismantled ladder as a pair of stilts but Drew disagrees and throws him out of the ring.Unfortunately for him Matt wants the ladder and the briefcase for himself. Christian and Hardy fall off the ladder. Jack Swagger is alone at the top of the ladder! He needs 50 thousand years but he unhooks the briefcase to become the Mr. Money in the Bank.

Winner:Jack Swagger

Extreme Rules promo while I go grab myself some garlic bread sandwiches with extra sugar to keep me going. Speaking of sandwiches, buy them, eat them, or else… I’m going to send you a Lady Gaga-Jillian Hall mixed ghost.

Sheamus vs. Triple H

I have a feeling I’ll get bored during this match… Hunter slaps Sheamus and after a souple of hits he goes for that ugly, ineffective finisher of his. Sheamus gets free only to get suplexed and stomped all over.  Figure four leglock makes Sheamus writhe in pain, but he grabs the ropes and forces Trips to break the hold. Out of the ring and back in, HHH’s back suffers some harsh blows. Surprised to see Trips getting powerslamed. Back suplex and a DDT  give Hunter the lead. The Cerebral Assasin starts his usual routine but doesn’t hit the Pedigree. Carbon Footprint connects and… Hunter kicks out. Spinebuster. But gets hit with another jumping big boot! HHH fakes a faint and manages to hit the Pedigree for the win.

Winner: Triple H

Awesome recap video of the SES crashing Rey’s party. Slap him, beat him up! Come on Punk I can’t stand that little guy…help me out man!

And Punk comes down the ramp with a microphone in hand preaching to the masses. I love that guy, although he needs a razor or 10!

And Rey honestly looks like the lovechild of Shark Boy and that Avatar chick. Keep him away from me!

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk (/w Serena and Luke Gallows)

Rey starts off as a punching bag, getting kicked and faceplanted on the steel steps. He fights back with a seated senton but a springboard crossbodybody is countered with a scoop slam.Roundhouse kick sends Rey into the world of Morpheus. Failed pin attempts and 5 seconds later Rey’s on the top rope in an Deadman Walking position,  and botches the life out of a move… I don’t know what that was supposed to be but it looked really painful for Punk. 2 failed GTS attempts and Punk is down but the frog splash misses him.GTS reversed with head scissors followed by 619 and a splash get Rey the win.

Winner:Rey Mysterio

And WWE decides that we’re not bored enough so they give us a video package of Bret Hart and Vince McMahon…I hope they both pass out in that ring and a lightning bolt strikes them and turns them to ashes!

Out comes The Hitman looking like a hobo if you ask me… The Excellence of Execution is dead! And out comes wince who makes this a lumberjack match, with the Hart family as the lumberjacks! And the Harts double crossed Vince so this kinda means that Vince is in a world of trouble!

Vince McMahon vs. Bret “The Hitman” Hart

This match was more of a brawl between 2 old guys that can’t fight, with the lumberjacks occasionally beating Vince up!

Mid match, Bret felt tired so he took a seat on a chair… THIS IS BORING!

They try to compensate the lack of wrestling with chair shots but honestly it’s worse than CZW! The Hitman locks in the sharpshooter and The Chairman taps out! At this moment I’m hoping Bret and Vince turn to dust and are swept away by the wind!

Winner:Bret “The Hitman” Hart

Video promoting next year’s WrestleMania from Atlanta.

The writers totally botched what could’ve been the best storyline of the year. I can’t believe it how they managed to make Edge vs. Jericho seem boring!

Edge vs. Chris Jericho©

They start off with some boring holds and it seems that Edge is in control…until he gets poked in the eye. I guess Jericho had the super poke activated. Chris gets out of the ring to avoid a spear but is thrown back in by Edge. Kick and a baseball slide and the champion is in control. Rocket launcher and a back suplex for a 2 count. Chris changes tactics and locks in a submission. Edge is down getting his hair slapped…BORING! Shoulder thrust misses it’s target and Edge is the leading man. Apron dive on the out of the ring champion who gets faceplanted off the top rope. Jericho reverses a top rope crossbody but fails to lock in the Walls!Blocked  Codebreaker and a spear countered into the Walls of Jericho. Small Package and a missed Lionsault!Edge hits the DDT but he is on the receiving end of a forearm dive. Jericho tries to spear Edge but gets a big boot. The Rated R Superstar tries a spear aswell but gets hit with a Codebreaker!  Repeated assaults on the injured leg almost make Edge tap out. Edge hits the referee, Jericho nails him with the title and a Codebreaker to retain!

Winner:Chris Jericho

After the bell rings, Edge attacks the champion and spears him on the Spanish announcers’ table.

Yoshi Tatsu wins a battle royal. Good for him!

10 divas tag team match

Pfft, divas match, no one cared.

Winners:Piggie Guerrero & Co.

Video package to explain us the Batista-Cena feud.

And Cena has a special choreography…and I kinda like it cause it’s dangerous with guns and blades…

John Cena vs. Dave Batista ©

Big deal, 2 powerhouses collide! I’m bored to death and beyond.The big bad heel dominates the poor babyface in the beginning using every trick in the book to injure the helpless fan favorite. Cena goes for the AA but gets reversed in a DDT. Batista applies a sleeper with some body scissors just to make poor John weak…poor guy! And all of a sudden, Cena has superhuman strength and starts hitting the 5 moves of doom..oh wait, the 5 knuckle thing is reversed in a spinebuster. Batistabomb reversed into STF. Ropebreak and a spear followed by shoulder thrusts. Top rope 5 knuckle shuffle and a fireman’s carry reversed into a Batistabomb!1…2…kickout!Reversal after reversal, Attitude Adjustment and a top rope leg drop countered into a powerbomb. The STF is locked in and… NEEEW WWE CHAMPION John Cena! 

Winner:John Cena

MAIN EVENT!Career vs.Streak!

“Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker

The Deadman is upset cause Shawn used his cutthroat taunt so he just decimates HBK in the beginning of the match.Chokeslam and Tombstoneattempts, but Michaels gets free and tackles Taker. The Deadman gets free of the figure 4 and proceeds to obliterating his opponent. Trading blows in the middle of the ring and a Chokeslam gets Taker a 2.Tombstone attempt countered with an ankle lock. They manage to get out of the ring where Shawn gets piledrived on the cement floor! The last ride turns into a faceplant and an elbow drop off the top rope to the upraised knees of the Deadman. Hell’s Gate reversed into a pin by HBK who nails a Sweet Chin Music. Second SCM blocked and the Last Ride connects to get a 2. Out of the ring, another Super Kick knocks Taker out on the commentators’ table, in a perfect position for a moonsault! Back in ring another kick by Michaels gets him a 2. Taker hits a chokeslam and 2 Tombstones to finally extend his streak to 18-0.

Winner:The Undertaker

After the match The Deadman shakes Michaels’ hand showing him respect and the show ends.

My picks for WrestleMania were way off so I’m not going to reveal them to you.

This has been the first PPV coverage made by yours truly, I hope you enjoyed it because I sure did!

All right Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for this edition, make sure to read my next article, I am Phenom The Vampire Lord, until next time find yourself a garlic necklace… you might need it!

Comments

1. Comment #1

   Nice article but in the Rey and CM Punk article:
   crossbodybody
   lulz!
   BTW FIRST POST!

   Posted by King Rasby on Thursday, April 08, 2010

2. Comment #2

   Nice Way to get your first article! At the grandest stages of them all TWG lol. Anyways good job

   Posted by Spickyo on Thursday, April 08, 2010

3. Comment #3

   Great article very witty :P

   Posted by Joshua Wallace on Thursday, April 08, 2010

4. Comment #4

   You win mate keep it going. :P

   Posted by BBD on Thursday, April 08, 2010

5. Comment #5

   fast forward? Do you have it on DVD?
   btw, the 'piggie guerrero' followed by slimjim promo was funny :P

   Posted by badman on Thursday, April 08, 2010

6. Comment #6

   Badman> ever heard of torrents?
   I haven't ;)

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Thursday, April 08, 2010

7. Comment #7

   Finally someone else that hates Mysterio and likes CM Punk,i am going to check your reports now.

   Posted by Chaos on Thursday, April 08, 2010

8. Comment #8

   Well, if you watch on your computer, you'll be tempted to fast forward whatever you're not looking forward to, it's best to watch it on a HDTV screen. If you watch something via torrent and decide to fast forward it but then decide to watch it via HDTV, it could become the best part of the show for you :)

   Posted by badman on Thursday, April 08, 2010

9. Comment #9

   Thank you all for your comments, and be sure to read the next Vampire's Crypt in which i shall review Smackdown (as always).
   This report came out so early because i did it while bored; wasn't planning on reviewing Mania...

   Posted by Phenom The Vampire Lord on Saturday, April 10, 2010

10. Comment #10

    By far the worst wrestlemania in history. Even the money in the bank match was boring as hell.

    Posted by Matt Cyr on Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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